LILTEX41
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Posts posted by LILTEX41
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16 hours ago, bluemoon said:
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate!! I hope things settle down for you soon. Life can get crazy at times and it's a lot to handle. Kudos to you for going back to school. I have contemplated going back, but I think the stress of a big work load and busy schedule/exams would be way too big of a trigger for me.
Anyway, I have been feeling super shitty for a while, way before I cut out the caffeine. Was thinking maybe my excessive caffeine intake wasn't helping my situation. Trying to see if I feel any better without downing a massive amount of coffee every day. I know I'm just depressed but I'm not sure how to get out of this funk. And I refuse to go the antidepressant route.
But yes, I'm definitely thankful Adderall is a pain in the ass to get your hands on, and I'm glad l I told my doctor to never prescribe it to me again, otherwise I probably would have relapsed many times by now haha.
I just quit school today. It was too much. I am so thankful. Recovery comes first.
Hope you feel better soon. I wish I had answers for everyone, but I don't. I booked an appointment with a therapist today. I think this is a critical step I missed and I'm hoping to see good results. Will let everyone know how it goes.
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Bluemoon,
I quit caffeine once and it was the worst I've ever felt. I had an awful headache for days and felt absolutely lethargic. I definitely think that's what's going on with you, but of course I'm no expert. Again, I am sorry for blowing up at all of you. It came out sideways and I don't mean to minimize your struggles. I just needed to unload and unfortunately, you all get the brunt of it. I hope you feel better soon.
Yes, breakups can suck the life out of you, but I do know I'll get over it and be okay down the road. I was just so stressed out because I had 3 quizzes, 2 homework assignments and an exam within a 3 day period and freaked out. I didn't know how I was going to accomplish all this work on top of my job and everything else. For a split second I had this epiphany of going back on that drug and just saying, fuck it. But luckily, I snapped out of it quickly and thought it through. I'm thankful it's hard to come get your hands on. Thank GOD for that.
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On 2/12/2017 at 0:59 PM, Frank B said:
Just because one complains to fellow addicts about the struggles does not mean we sit around all day in misery complaining about this invisible mountain and that it's so hard to conquer. Reality is we have no idea how big the mountain is if I could see the peak would make this so much better knowing how long of journey it might be. I know it's not productive to complain but sometimes feels good to let it go. I'm not a counselor not a sponsor just a guy who is having a hard time getting his life back in order and doing everything to live a healthy and productive life but still just not working to my expectations yet.
I'm sorry Frank. I have been under immense stress and a recent breakup. I snapped in my post the other day and just went off. I know you're trying. You're doing well. I just flipped out when i read this post and everyone was complaining about how much life sucks without adderall. It triggered the shit out of me and I started thinking positively about the drug again. I fucking snapped today and tried to order it online. I didn't even think that was possible and I'm sure it was a scam. I cancelled it 5 mins later and freaked out. I have been clean for 6 years and 3 months. I NEVER thought I would get this close to a relapse. I should probably stay away from this site, but sometimes I come just to read the stories of everyone addicted and destroyed by it as it reminds me why I do NOT want to go back to it. I hate to hear that people are miserable in recovery. It makes me lose faith. But I know damn well the answer is not in that pill. Anyhow, hope you understand. Vent away.
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Ok, my turn. I have been trying to refrain myself from speaking because this post dug into my heart somewhat. I keep getting updates sent to my email and I feel I'm ready to comment so here goes.
Addiction to adderall is one intense mother fucker, ok? It's NOT easy to kick this habit and for anyone that does, you are a walking miracle and ray of hope for those out there still afflicted. But like quit once said, you have two options:
1) Go back to being enslaved to some piece of shit pill that will annihilate you slowly over the long haul and continue being it's bitch.
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2) Go through your temporary hell on earth of however many years it takes to recover and live the rest of your life unaddicted and no longer with this problem.
IF you feel the need to bitch, moan, and scream about how much life sucks without it, please by all means...get it out. You have all the right in the world to talk about how much it sucks and this life just isn't fair anymore without it. However, what I can tell you is that you are making yourself miserable. There is a mountain in front of you and all you do is stare at it and say, "Look at this mountain. It's so big. What a piece of shit mountain. I hate this mountain." When what you could be saying is "How the fuck am I going to get up this mountain? Where are the paths? Is there a plane? What can I say to make this situation better rather than repeating these negative toxic thoughts that keep reminding me of how awful I feel without this piece of shit drug adderall?" Hmmm.....maybe I could try some positive thinking techniques and proactively tell myself things like, "Life is good, I got this, everything will work out, I don't need that fucking drug to be awesome, I will prove it to myself that I can beat this shit if it kills me, this won't defeat me, I don't need that shit, I am a fully well functional human being that was capable of handling life before this drug and I will once again master my old way of living, etc." You keep telling yourself how you WANT to feel and be and eventually you will catch up. You have to be mentally strong and stop having being mentally weak. I know it blows, it sucks, and life is hard. But guess what? You CAN HANDLE IT. YOU CAN DO THIS. Keep reminding ourself this is for the best interest in the LONG TERM of your life. SHORT TERM is tough, but it will get better.
HAPPY RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINES OUT MY ASS ALL YOU LOVELY PEOPLE!!!! XOXOXOXO
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COMBO of all of the below, but ultimately it was my 2nd trip in a squad to the ER for an adderall overdose followed by 2nd trip to psych ward that lead to my final quit. #6years 3 months
1) 2 psych ward trips - should've been raped and killed during one of these episodes by a stranger
2) Destroyed reputation at work
3) Car Accident
4) Toxic relationships that became abusive
5) Constant paranoia, agitation, hostility, and hallucinations at times that made me feel bat shit crazy
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35 minutes ago, quit-once said:
PAWS is very real in Adderall recovery. It has been written about many, many times since I have been around here. For me, PAWS gradually morphed into brief bouts of depression that can come back a few times per year, always without warning. that's just life. PAWS was just like early Adderall recovery came back and then it would leave. Again, the non-linear concept of recovery comes back to bite you. I don't know what else to say other than relapsing is simply not an option for any of us who have successfully quit. I mean...we have exhausted all of the benefits that Adderall could ever offer and then it turned on us like a traitor. I feel like I have a normal life with a future to look forward to while not being addicted to that awful drug.
Speed has always been my drug of choice, and I had to give it up because I became addicted and it controlled my life. I don't miss it and am glad to be done with the allure of getting high just to get shit done.
I hate to put things in terms or "either - or" or "black and white" but maybe that is what becoming addicted does to the brain. I really believe that the choice is that stark when it comes to addiction...either you stay the course of quitting, no matter how bad it sucks, or you go back on the drug to a deeper level of your addiction with even worse consequences and side effects than you suffered when you decided to quit.
Can I quadruple like this post, please?!
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Houston Half Marathon!!!
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7 hours ago, Renascido said:
Unrelated, but since we're on the topic of changes: I can't seem to get the site to work on my phone like I used to. I can still access it, but it's constrained to a limited mobile version. I used to be able to access desktop mode from my phone. Anyone else have this issue?
I'm having the same problem. I emailed Mike, but haven't heard back yet.
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Happiness
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Where are the tickers?!
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I quit cold turkey and went to detox. I doubt you need detox (I was on a bender of adderall, pot, and alcohol for like 5 days straight) and didn't sleep. Anyhow, when I got out of detox I called my doctor's office and spoke with a nurse. I told her to leave a note for my doctor to never prescribe it to me again and that I was addicted. At that time, I really wanted to build a sober support group so I started going to AA meetings in town. I am someone who had to quit everything as I struggled with alcohol and had done other drugs too. I had been sober before and after debating it for years and years I knew it was the best option. There is no risk involved and no trying to worry about controlling it. I was too vulnerable under the influence and would make terrible decisions at times. I knew that I'd had so many close calls and one day I wasn't going to be so lucky. I'd also been sober in the past at various points in my life and the amount of success I found in sobriety always drove me wanting to get it back. I just couldn't seem to ever get anywhere good under the influence of drugs and alcohol. They destroyed so much of my life I was just sick of it. I wanted to do some cool shit with my life and decided enough was enough.
Anyhow, I also found Smart Recovery online at the time. There was only 1 face to face meeting in Houston so I'd drive all the way downtown and go to it once a week. After I got involved in AA more I realized it was never going to work for me as it never had for any long amount of time. I decided to just stick with Smart and utilized the crap out of the online program and chat. I also got involved with a bunch of different biking, running, and triathlon groups. I met a whole new set of healthy people. I started going to different churches in the area and met new friends there as well. I took Smart's advice and tried to fill in the holes of my life that were consumed by alcohol/drugs and lead a healthy balanced lifestyle. I quit my supervisor position and went to night shift in order to reduce my stress from work while trying to work through all of this nightmare. I did a TON of exercise and I saw a therapist for a little bit. I felt amazing. I was genuinely HAPPIER than I'd been in YEARS. I did a TON of races and took Smart Facilitator training to start a meeting in our area.
It took a good year before I stopped always wishing I had some adderall when I to do basic stuff like laundry or clean. Oh and for the first 3 months I was drugged up on a cocktail of sedatives. I was tranquilized and I slept insane amounts. I was so ready to be off that crap after 3 months I weaned off and then that's when I got my life back and got so involved in all kinds of stuff.
So there it is. That's what worked for me. IF I had to do it all over again, I'd say quit that shit cold turkey, and round up your troops (family) to support you. Call the doctor. Get involved in some sort of support group (this website is great), but face to face is great too. Learn as many tools as you can that you can use when urges strike and be prepared that they will strike. KNOW that you need to have a preventative game plan in mind ahead of time. Read as many books as you can and try to find other endeavors that you enjoy and can pursue to fill in the void of your addiction. You have to find something to replace it that is positive and will give you something to look forward to and enjoy. Life is so much better without hangovers, regret, shame, and feeling trapped by life destroying poisons. Look inward and get excited that once you have all this junk out of your life, you can become and do anything you want in life. You will be blessed for having gone through this struggle and appreciate all the good times so much more once you are over the hump of missing toxic substances!
Stay close to the board and keep us posted on your progress!
You CAN DO THIS!
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I would love to put this entire disclaimer as a warning label on adderall. This is such a GREAT detailed explanation of exactly what this drug will do to someone and the effect it has on their loved ones.
I am so glad to hear he's made it to 7 months! Prayers for your family that things will keep going smooth sailing in his recovery.
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Grad School baby!!!!! Whoo hoooo!!!
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At 2:14:30 they discuss ADHD medication. "These drugs cause brain shrinkage. They shrink brain tissue. The pharmaceutical companies know this."
When you are having a hard time deciding to quit, remember this.
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What was the anxiety attack all about?
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I think as long as you find exercise that you enjoy, it'll be great! There are so many different activities you can do..just find something you like so you'll stick to it. I personally love running, biking, and sports. I also enjoy weight lifting and yoga. I think more than anything though, just get out and start doing something and you'll start feeling so much better each day.
Good job!
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Frank,
I can't help it, but your post is making me LOL. Maybe you should do standup.
Life is tough without speed. Yep, it sucks, but sooner or later you gotta quit all this complaining and suck it up. Bitching and moaning about it constantly is only making you MORE miserable. I don't mean to trivialize your despair because I DO remember being there, but I can I tell you the dream I had last night? I had a dream my friend was taking adderall and there was this GIGANTIC BOTTLE (the size of a protein powder jar) along with 3 other ones labeled ADHD MEDS. Instead of wanting one, I was freaking out about my friend who was acting ape shit crazy and all I wanted to do was tell her STOP!!! But even in my dream, I knew that wouldn't help her and she'd have to come to quitting at her own time when she had had enough.
ALL I am saying is that the fact I did NOT WANT it in my dream and had NO DESIRE was a freaking MIRACLE. I NEVER believed this would happen to me. Just hang in there. CRY, BITCH, MOAN, WHINE all you need. Hopefully, it feels good to just vent. Just try not to stay stuck there. You are creating your own self fulfilling prophecy. You gotta just DO IT. Work hard. Set some goals with a deadline. Watch some inspirational videos or something. Just whatever you do, stop dwelling on how great adderall was to make you a work machine because that is PRO-DRUG thinking and it will lead you back there if you keep the momentum going in that direction. I mean do you really want to fall back in the trap again? Play that shit all the way through and don't just think about the high and getting shit done. Think about the behavior from start until finish and being stuck in that f-d up cycle all over again. You are FREE right now. You're just having euphoric recall....don't forget about all the bad parts. All you have to do is get motivated. You have no other struggles than motivation with work, right? Life is good. Don't forget that.
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That's so awesome!!! Way to go Flow!!!! Congratulations!!!
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Yeah president I'm sure will do what's best for us and not the big insurance companies lol. Dudes a nut and sociopath sorry try not to get political on here but he seems to just promote hate and intolerance. He already started to be in with the lobbyist. Said in 60 minutes interview "Well they are everywhere in Washington you can't escape it." Well no shit lobbyist push hard in Washington who would have thought that? Ok I'm done let's hope for the best and pray America doesn't self implode.
On another note thanks for sharing Erin as always your great. I'd vote you for president bet you'd do better than Trump or Hillary!
Yeah, I won't get into politics on here, but thank you for the compliment, lol.
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Hi Flip,
So glad you posted. Sounds like you are struggling and I can see where it feels like the weight of the world on your chest trying to keep all this locked inside and hidden from both your wife and mother in law.
I definitely think it would be good to have that conversation with her about everything. If you don't, the cycle you're in is just going to continue and it's going to eat at you along with the damage it's doing to your well being.
I pray you can come to some sort of resolution together for your family and please keep us posted!
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Tantan,
Love your idea about, "I'm not sure but i am allowing myself to feel the sadness in the hopes that i can process it and let it go."
I think this is a great place to start! Take a moment and just allow yourself to feel sad that you are no longer the adderall machine. It's okay to feel sad about that. Embrace it and really allow yourself to grieve about it if you need to. In fact, why not write a goodbye letter or have a funeral for the pills, lol. I think if you can just allow yourself to be okay with being sad and disappointed about it, that will help you move past it.
Ok, so after you do that, then I suggest you to VISUALIZE an entire new work strategy ahead. I think you need to re-vamp your old ways of doing things and chunk down your deadline. So for example shoot for just doing a tiny portion of it first like step 1: Brainstorming. After you come up with as many ideas as possible for the article, then take a break and reward yourself. Go get some starbucks and read a magazine or strike up a convo with strangers there or whatever. Then come back to the blog and create an outline. Reward. Section 1 - reward. Keep doing this and just knocking out a little bit at a time. I think you seem overwhelmed because you are telling yourself you have to have the ENTIRE thing done by a certain date and then get upset when you can't knock it out in 1 day the way you probably did before with adderall. However, remember non-adderall users most likely don't do that either and that's NORMAL to function at a slower pace. You can actually have an enjoyable experience doing it if you take your time, give yourself rewards, and try to make it fun. Socialize with others more during the process. That will help!
Just remember that recovery is a new territory. It is kinda similar to your past prior to adderall, but different. You can reflect on the way you used to be before this drug and then add on old strategies of how you used to get shit done. You have to visualize and CREATE a new effective way to operate in your world adderall free. Don't kick yourself for not being the robotic machine that you were due to some pharmaceutical enhancement designer drug. Look at the exciting challenge that lyes in front of you as to how you are going to conquer your world without adderall. You just have to find new strategies to be successful. And you CAN and WILL find them. Just don't compare yourself to the old way or you'll get depressed. Know that once you have mastered new effective strategies to achieve at work and in life, these strategies will be PERMANENT and LAST for your entire lifetime. You won't be a slave to some pill that is detrimental to you overall.
Keep us posted on your progress please. You GOT this!
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CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! (to Teamwin, Frank, and Flow too!)
That is so exciting you guys!!! There must be something about this week in November that makes the perfect quitting time!!
I am so happy for all of you. What a joy it's been to share the journey and watch you progress to getting back to some normal healthy living again.
Way to go!!!
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Hell yeah what Frank said!
If you are being tricked you need it really quick to lose weight, remember that it is not a permanent solution to weight loss. It's only a temporary quick fix and if you go back to it again, you'll re-enter the adderall trap. Outside of the trap you are free to figure out permanent solutions to any of the issues being dependent on this drug will fix temporarily.
You've made it all the way to the end of your taper!! Congratulations!!
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Hope you guys going through recovery can undertake this
in General Discussion
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I needed to hear this today so thank you!