quit-once

Lea, thanks for your honesty about your multiple personalities or usernames. I know of at least two other members who have done something similar. Most of us who make regular contributions to this site really do care about the people we are responding to. We put a lot of thought and time into individualized responses and might tend fo feel ignored or abandoned when the person whom we are repeatedly posting with suddenly and permantly just vanishes from the website. A natural response would be to assume a full blown relapse of that person. I don't even want to consider accidents or death. Personally, I don't assume anything, and each post or response I draft is done so without any kind of assumption or expectation. And I never forget we are dealing with addiction and drug addicts who know how to lie really, really well. Although, I never have figured out why anybody would lie about anything on an anonymous self help addiction recovery website. Facebook is for liars and false fronts, kinda like somebody's pristine and tidy flowerbeds and and always-mown front lawn. This place is like the unpainted woodshed in an overgrown backyard.

Couple things i wanna respond to, Cat: I really like your attitude and self-acceptance. It is good that you realize there is a LONG road ahead to the complete recovery of the REAL you. Everybody's recovery is different, and I don't believe that you will spend your life in recovery. At some point in the next year or so, you will begin to feel mostly recovered on most days. You have to acknowledge your addiction(s) and always be mindful they will always tempt you, and never give in to the temptations. But I can attest that I felt mostly recovered on most days after a year of abstinence from adderall. And it just keeps getting better and better with more time away from that awful drug. I think AA's once an alcoholic always an alcoholic dogma is perfectly appropriate - for alcohol addiction. But I am not going to self-label me as an adderall addict for all time; therefore I will simply acknowledge my addiction by never touching the drug. And put the adderall addiction phase of my life behind me.

People have many different reasons and motivations for posting here. For example, I was almost three months into my quit before i had the desire and motivation ot begin posting while other people beging posting even before they take their last pill. And I was aware of this site for about nine months before I quit. i imagine there are lots of people who never join or post here but follow the postings on a regular basis, and I am sure it has helped a lot of people quit. There are others, who get the help they need here to quit, from only a few postings, successfully quit, and then move on with their lives and we never hear from them again. There are some who come back and post a positive update or a relapse update after many months or years of dormancy. There are some, like InRecovery or LilTex, who take a three month or year long hiatus from here and then come back. Most simply fade away into the history of past posts. What I am trying to say is that you cannot assume anything just because somebody has quit posting. You will never be able to assemble any kind of a success ratio based on who continues to post or even log on to this site, simply because of its anonymous nature. I found it to be highly encouraging reading success stories, especially before I quit, because it showed me that people can and do beat this awful addiction and return to living normal, healthy and productive lives. That is why I am still posting after 1.5 years.

it doesn't work......never has

NUTS! I had to quit eating nuts before quitting adderall. By about the third time I broke a tooth or a crown or a filling while eating mixed nuts, I asked my dentist if I should quit nuts, and he said: If you wanna eat nuts, eat nuts... and I'll fix your teeth for ya. I quit eating nuts anyway cuz my teeth just couldn't handle it. Adderall was HELL on my teeth too. Actually it was hard on the whole mouth: like biting my cheek or tongue, weak gums, dry mouth and bad breath. Since quitting, my teeth have recovered 100%. It took about a year before I resumed eating nuts. Now I have a daily serving of planters hard nuts, and my teeth seem like they can handle just about anything I wanna chomp. They make these 200 calorie packs now. I no longer have to be careful of what I eat because of weak teeth. Hey Ashley - that first sentence of your last post gave me the best laugh of the day! And I wasn't laughing at your problem it just cracked me up on first read. Anyway sugar is a killer for your tooth enamel and I believe it is bad for your body in general. I think your teeth will be just fine in time.

Falcon you have scared the shit outa me about xanax. I might even trash the rest of my ativan after reading your last post.

Canes, I didn't read anything negative about adderall in your post, except that you have had enough. I am not sure how far that will take you on a journey to quit. It sounds like you are having a hard time letting go of it, and you haven't experienced the horrors of the addiction....yet. You might not be ready to quit. Are you thinking this is something you simply should do because you cant stay on it for the rest of your life? Is there more to your adderall story? Regarding your proposed "adderall schedule" of three days per week instead of five: What the hell, go ahead and try it. It takes a minimum of at least three days in a row off of it for the full effect to start working again when you begin your next binge. Maybe it will work for you, but if it does not, are you ready to bag the adderall for good? I suggest you read the post entitled "Eitght stages of amphetamine addiction" in the announcements forum, and see what level you are running on. So the question is whether you are truly READY to quit, whether you really WANT to quit, and whether adderall is a problem for you (whether you really NEED to quit).

MFA, Not to belabour (spelled the Aussie way?) the point about the job you didn't get...but the whole experience left a horrible, nasty tast in your mouth from your one last fling with adderall. Looking back on it, it could just be the best outcome you couldn't have immagined. I see nothing wrong with blaming adderall for your failure to get that job, even if it is very convenient to do so.

What do you think is causing your anxiety? Is this something you have battled all of your life? Is it possible that some of the supplements you are taking for dealing with adderall recovery may be aggrevating your anxiety?

I am hesitant to post this, but I want to share my thoughts with everyone. It is human nature to loathe and envy somebody who has something you want but do not have, and it is NOT my intention to boast about being happy. I am posting this both for myself (for future reference on those not so happy days) and also for anybody who would like to improve their happiness. I would also really like to hear some thoughts from those of you who read this and can add their own thoughts on what makes them happy in the comment section. I have had fleeting episodes of happiness all thorugh my life. As a child, I was depressed most of the time but did have a few occasional good years too. As a college student, I was only moderately happy, and as a young adult, I had a few bouts of depression that I was finally able to get a handle on through some counseling and by the time I was 30 things were pretty good. I had another period of depression a few years ago while my mom was suffering through old age and I was suffering though an adderall addiction. Things have gotten much, much better for me lately. I am not a monk, although I live a monk-like lifestyle in modern day America. I do believe I have some past-life experiences being.....well....monkey. I find happiness and inner peace to be intrinsically related. You cannot have happiness without inner peace. I persue a lifestyle that maintains my inner peace at all costs. So the first few things I will discuss are what gives and maintains my inner peace: Accepting myself for who I am as a person Accepting forced change and those things from the past that cannot be changed. I accept the outcome of all events that occur beyond my control. Accepting Death. Whether it is the death of a parent, pet, or peer, or even a houseplant. Living debt-free Being honest and trustworthy (yup, I am an Eagle Scout) Forgiving the wrong-doers in my life Experiencing freedom and having options. I love the freedom from addiction and the option to take another pill, if I so choose. But addiction and freedom are mutually exclussive. Learning and applying life lessons Having relationships. I struggle with this one, when it comes to significant others anyway. But i am my dog's best friend and I am always available for my friends to call on me for whatever reason. Giving Service. Most of the time this comes from simply doing my job (and I get paid for it too - what a bonus). Or letting someone in line in front of me. Or holding the door open for the person behind me. Or taking flowers to an uncle in a rest home. Or taking care of Mom in her final years. Providing service to those less fortunate helps me to appreciate all that I have. Having gratitude. I often say a prayer of grace to acknowledge the good food I am about to eat and everything else that I cannot take credit for in my life. I realize I am the victim of good luck and/or good fortune. I am grateful for everything in my life like having the best parents, good health, a job and a cool dog. I am even grateful for my adderall experience and the life lessons about addiction I learned from that awful fucking drug. And i am grateful for this awsome web site and to the online community it envelopes. I am especially grateful to you for reading my post. I have been putting this list together for the last couple of weeks. I would really like to hear some comments on what makes you happy, gives you happiness, and maintains your inner peace.

MFA, I don't know if the word "relapse" accurately describes your one pill hiccup That is a glass half empty way of looking at it. Another way to put it would be: the longest period of time you have been adderall-free was 84 days. That gives you a new goal to achieve - day 85.

Cjw, how the hell are ya? it has been about a year since you came around here and posted. have you managed to stay off the adderall all that time?

Couldn't agree more. it is called total abstinence and the only surefire way to stay off the shit. every time I get tempted for a pill or a cigarette, all I do is pause, and say "...why the fuck would you want to do that to yourself?"

I like what you said about learning do do reading and homework again. And you are sitting there with a stack of books. I need to share something along the subject of reading: About a month ago I finished a book. Not a huge book, it was a paperback with about 400 pages, non fiction. The remarkable thing was it was the first book i have read, page by page, chapter to chapter, and cover to cover in about five years, I lost the ability to read a book in its entirety somewhere in the later stages of my adderall addiction. Oh sure, I would skim books for a quick answer or pluck things from different sections, but to actually read and retain what was in the whole book had been a lost skill. Not that I was ever an avid reader, and I have never forgotten how it was to be entertained and educated by just a book. Adderall coost me the ability to concentrate (even to simply sit down) long enough to read a book to its completion. It was just another small victory for me after 1.5 years of recovery, to know I can still read and enjoy a book. Oh, the name of the book? .......it was Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution - the last book he wrote before he slipped on the ice, cracked his head and died.

And a Happy Aussie Dye roight bock to ya, mate!

Your recent dream relates to the question I posed in post #3 above. Or in your case, experiencing an unpleasant craving in a dream and then waking up with that same awful feeling. I do believe that dreams can influence how your day goes, but I don't think a dream by itself can cause a person to relapse. But they can sure get a train of thought going that is sometimes hard to control. What I really hate are those recurring dreams that repeat themselves over and over all night long - kinda like ground hog day, lol.

Yup. And I was taking adderall because I thought it helped with the depression...and now I am unsure whether it helped or made it worse.

You know the flip side of being a parent is taking care of your elderly parents...and I have earned my wings and sripes in that catagory. It would have been sooo helpful if I would have had a place like this to vent while helping my mom through the end of her life.

google the environmental impact or consequences of methamphetamine and you will get pages and pages of reading to sort through. adderall is made from the same shit, except it is pharmaceutical grade battery acid and drano. i agree that flushing pills is a bad way to dispose of em, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

The brutal honesty of what people say is one of those things that make this place so interesting. I have learned so much about relationships, spouses and rasing kids (and yes, lots about addiction too)from some of you here. I really don't think you would get these perspectives from casual conversations or even serious discussions with your friends, parents or significant others or even tharapists.

I have found that fear of being outed from here diminishes with time. That fear kept me from even joining this site until about three months after I quit. I wonder if I had some paranoid delusions going on? Now look at me, I have even posted pictures of myself without too much concern of being "discovered".

MFA are you serious? I just watched that whole video. And it ends with the druggie threatening suicide after he was fired. That boss was a FUCKING ASSHOLE.

I surmise that most doctors who have prescribed adderall have not read the "8 stages of amphetamine addiction". They are only trained to look for the side effects that occur at "prescribed dosages", and that list is pretty short, considering the horror stories you can read about on these forums. Many doctors are insensitive to addiction issues.

I read this book about addiction called "unchain your brain" and I took away the following quote (paraphrase): Once you have crossed the line from recreational/casual use to dependency/addiction, a return to casual use is simply not possible without an ensuing return of the addiction. In other words, lifetime abstinence is the only way you can ensure this drug will never fuck with your life again. Or, you could just take it one day at a time.... Either way, it would be best if you didn't have instant access to your pills right now. Got a locker or a safe deposit box to stash them in? And after that, when the time is right for you, we will ALL celebrate the flushing of those evil pills!

Dreams are so crazy and senseless....It is really entertaining trying to interperet them. But I just usually see them as simple entertainment from within, like a TV show about your own life or something. What I do find interesting, however, is that both MFA and Sky had a similar dream about this website. I think Sky was outed on facebook by somebody who posted on this site in his dream a couple of weeks ago. I have always wondered if having a really good or pleasant adderall using dream could somehow set you up for a real life relapse?