Kathleen

Thanks guys... I am feeling slightly better today--now that I'm "clear"...yesterday I felt cracked out, hungover, dead...I went home after work, took a shower and sat and read these forums, opened up a book I bought "Is it love, or is it addiction?"(if you've ever been in an abusive relationship- please read this),listened to calming music (specifically "In Rainbows"--Radiohead), made myself eat...and what did I come up with? Well, I slept for 8 hours and I want Adderall and the ex gone for good. The cycle is viscous and I'm tired of it. I emotionally cannot handle substance or tainted love right now...or ever. My nature with those two things, like all people...is to swirl down the downward spiral...except throw the endless drugs and abusive relationship and you have the downward spiral going up, down and sideways shaking the hell out of my sanity. I took 5mgs today because I'm doing ween off process. Still heartbroken, but I'd rather feel it now. I'm seeing two of my very bestfriends tonight and I'm looking forward to it. They've never tried Adderall, but they understand my pain and care about me. It gives me peace of mind.. Thank you guys again...the replies and msgs have made me feel not so alone during this time.

This made me LOL. Typical.

adderall(or any drugs) based relationships=shallow

Thank you, h.o.l...that means a lot. My "boyfriend" is my ex. I just spoke with him and I explained everything that I pretty much laid out earlier. I have been told by him that I am nothing but a "recovering junkie" and that my annoyance has angered him to a point that he does not care. I wanted so badly for things to end "smoothly"...as in discontinue talking on a good note("I have cared for you, we aren't right, and this is goobye" sort of thing), but I am now seeing that will never happen. I have to accept this in order to move forward. I also need to save any pride I have left. I'm still feeling extremely under the weather and hungover from last nights events... Even when at the bottom and everything is blurry, I know that I need to find myself, regenerate and take care of myself if I ever want a shot at a healthy relationship/life/existence. This is a prime example of playing in the fires of substance.

I cannot believe I am about to post this with a visible picture of my face right next to it, but hear me out and I hope you see why amphetimine drugs are scary, distort reality and cause nothing more but pain in the end. I have been taking the 5-10MGs again after relapsing. You can read my original hell story...I don't think a lot of people understand in my ordinary life this addiction. I have people who support the recovery, but here in these forums, you guys understand the draw and the drive towards this drug. I have been going through a painful breakup, it's been intense because I am a very loving person and can't just dispose of pieces of my past, but long story short I have been in an unhealthy relationship. I always wondered what I could have done different, why I was cheated on. Everything was okay until I found out about the cheating last August--I thought I could move forward and forgive him, but I only felt broken and that it was my fault and I needed to keep trying to make things work. I couldn't let go. The night he cheated I was on well over 100 MGs of Adderall. I remember calling his phone over and over again because it was dead. He lied to me the next day about where he was and ever since then, when he doesn't answer I associate it with the cheating and feeling so afraid. I have felt abandoned, he has been driven crazy by my panic and ADD ways...it was all a receipt for destruction. Yesterday was rough for me, it was the 1 year of a family member committing suicide which affected the entire family. Last year at this time, I was strung out on Adderall that I never really thought or dealt or talked about the situation. It makes me feel extreme guilt. Yesterday I was feeling depressed, alone and began drinking Four Loko, about 20MGs of Adderall and pain med. I spoke with my ex about talking later on in the night and we exchanged a few texts. I felt as though he was anything but concerned and started asking a ton of questions. I started feeling paranoid, unaware of my surroundings,panicking and started calling my exboyfriend a lot(there went pride). He answered; irritated as all hell as I begged for him to just listen. After I talked in circles and he told me it was annoying...I continued on with crying, he hung up on me. I freaked out...I called him back and he started screaming telling me he just couldn't deal with me. I asked him why he didn't care. I begged for him to please just listen...he hung up on me again. I starred at the phone for 20 minutes after this happened. I know that I have driven him crazy. I don't think talking to him at this point will make anything "right". I sat in my car for hours feeling that awful Adderall buzz looking at pictures of my life and wondering how I could have ended up this fucked up and how I am so incapable of dealing with my thoughts, feelings, emotions.

Wow. Your story really hit me hard.

Thank you for the welcome back. Kind of dreaded "turning myself in" to the truth...but I am well aware of the gambling game I am playing now..been laying in bed at night watching:: http://www.hbo.com/addiction/ Interesting enough I have a lot of science under my belt so I understand the limbic system and more importantly know myself and the potential for destruction,abuse and addictive natures... Watching things on adolescents and addiction kills me. So many times parents are running around making sure their children aren't using drugs or doing "bad things" simply because they are bad. What I never put into consideration is actually how heavy the emotions of guilt and regret are in the aftermath of years of partying, living in the fast lane and destruction have brought...

Ashley, I can feel you on this. Adderall and who's around is everything. Once I stopped Adderall, the good people came back. I feel like Adderall, in the lethal doses me and you were taking...creates ups and downs which directly affect any relationship. It's like a boat rocking back and forth on the waves of instability. Unhealthy, toxic, dependent relationships are no good. When you're truly meant to be with someone, it makes sense and it is comfortable, genuine and sensible...I know a break up is like an end to a part of your life...and I do think your association to him while medicated has a huge impact...I have a book that is about addictive love...and it's just as bad as a drug. Highly medicated people can't make rash choices or see or feel things as clearly....I don't think I would have stood for a lot of the things I've been through during the past year.... You're going to get through this. You've gotten through 4 months of no Adderall...it's hard to break free of people:(, but I think that not being addied up...you'll be able to feel and have more stability through this...

But really..I connect with this song:: ATMOSPHERE "SHOULDA KNOWN" Naked in the bathtub Sittin' on the porcelain Waiting for that little hurricane to pull your torso in The water don't run, just drips like rain Still drips like a painkiller drips to the veins Fill it up With a bag of that happy stuff Cause the way she runs out, you can tell she ain't had enough Good times goddess My goodness Goth finger nail polish autopilot foot prints With a smile that's stitched to the fabric of bedtime tales and Keep them kids out of the attic The mouth of madness Loud and manic The motive of the bird holdin' south on the Atlas Picture a hole Put your hero in Envision the gold Now zero in Been watching your night train track for the last few stops With no desire to hop it How did we end up in your apartment Pocket full of gossip says this ain't smart When it's all said and done, can't hit restart But I'll be damned if I don't wanna kiss you- Hard [Chorus:] Shoulda known better not to f**k with' you Ain't got nothin' but too much to lose Lost in the rush don't know what to do That drug got you like I want you Shoulda known better not to f**k with' you Ain't got nothin' but too much to lose Lost in the rush don't know what to do That drug got you like I want you I've got a restraining order Against Satan's daughter And I keep it at the bottom of this Jameson and water And when we get there You can sit there and stare From behind your mascara and your thick hair I'm aware of that pain you harbor The same that gave game to the names you martyr Apart from the details and substance and whatnot I f**k's with that hunger of love pistol gut rot Bloodshot Give me one shot, my shot Propped up on enough talk to make time stop The lines of chalk that benjamin might cop Killed the illustrations on the neighborhood sidewalks Then all of a sudden she got silent Pupils like marbles, hide behind the eyelids Get away sticks go limping hole place The smile sucked up most of her face Truly beauty the scene serene And each criticism becomes redeemed Swallow my words No more judgment it's true Cause you look like what I feel like when I'm with you Shoulda known better not to f**k with' you Ain't got nothin' but too much to lose Lost in the rush don't know what to do That drug got you like I want you Shoulda known better not to f**k with' you Ain't got nothin' but too much to lose Lost in the rush don't know what to do That drug got you like I want you

Semi Charmed Life is my jam...because I want something else..to get me through this...semi charmed kind of life..

Cassie, I did...that's why I have decided to give this another shot. That's why I'm back. I feel extreme guilt about going back to those evil orange pills. Watched a film on addiction and tons of reading and I understand the science behind these sick cravings...I just need to figure out when I'm getting back into the warzone with my battle against this need...

I agree...I am hyper-active-laughing my ass off-fun person off of adderall. Problem is I found myself back in and out of feeling comatose, aggravated, hi highs and low lows with out it....and I was eating like the cookie monster. Very sad ending in a relationship hasn't helped. No excuse, but the euphoric kick is the only thing that gets me out of bed these days. My next step is to see someone professional to talk to--not a doctor because more meds are the last thing I need on my plate. I realize that even 10 mgs a day is DANGEROUS, seeing my history nor advise anyone who is on the path to the light without adderall to do what I have done...I am hoping to wean on again in the next few weeks because I need to get my life together and I think adderall has the power to make it worse...even though it's "maintaining" it now.

I do not want to discourage anyone or have anyone think that everything I said was bullshit in the past..I want to live a happy healthy and drug free life, that is why I am back here. I just did not want to lie or avoid the reality of what is actually going on now...

I haven't been on these forums in awhile because I relapsed right at the 2 month mark. I am highly disappointed in myself, but all I can do is be honest and work through this again. I've been taking 10mgs a day and it's helped me with work, but I still feel endless amounts of guilt, smoking and less eating. After I quit the adderall back in April, it changed me and I lost another relationship. I am dealing with a lot of emotions, wondering who the hell I am at 26 years old and where to go from here. I'm not nearly as bad off as I was back when I was over dosing earlier this year, but I am disappointed that amphetamine is back into my daily life.

Ashley, I take responsibility for eating Adderall like potato chips...BUT I feel as though Doctors should be held responsible for releasing NARCOTICS. My Dad is head of Pharmacy and constantly tells me how infuriating-sad-unethical it is to see how many narcotic scripts are being written. Do you remember the freak out experience in November? There was a huge national shortage of Adderall from 11-2011 to 1-2012.....because the DEA only allows a certain amount of the active ingredient to be released....and to control docs and liberal script writing. That says a lot.... I am spacey. I am vibrant. I am strange..I guess this was enough for me to be labeled the "ADHD" kid....Do you ever feel like you were robbed of who you were on Adderall? That's another sad issue. I AM responsible for this addiction...but I kept thinking..."Okay I'm not buying cocaine on the side of the road...this is legal..." I feel like a lot of guilt comes from a lot of the friends and experiences I missed out on....because I was a sketch ball. Adderall is also a freaking SELIFISH drug---even during my most depressing days...I still thought I was awesome...but I wasn't. I feel that when an individual choses to become a doctor...they are taking on the responsibility of the mental and physical health of human beings. Drugs, even legal ones....change people forever. Doctors go to school for years and should know this... Doctors have aided in my change. I wanted to be on Adderall but truly believed I needed it to be smart or function. I am responsible for the abuse.

Evie, First off--welcome to the beginning of a new life. Congrats on making this choice and getting through the first few weeks....I think they are the hardest. I am clean over a month and trust me when I tell you..I get bored all the time at work...I used to be so EXCITED about work....but that "euphoric" feeling from the adderall was all a lie lie lie...Adderall made tasking FUN...I'm in the phase where I am learning how to focus again. I think once you can get this down...happy feelings start to come back...simple things such as feeling accomplished...the small things in life are what count:) Adderall was an escape drug for me as well....I drink sometimes, but I recommend being careful with substituting substances...especially during this time where you are emotionally delicate...your brain is trying to regenerate..or like a computer...restarting without the narcotic boost. I am here to assure you and remind you that you are here typing in these forums because there is a part of you, if not all of you...that wants this life change for yourself. The hardest part of addiction is having to remind yourself to not get back into dangerous cyclic patterns. I do not know your background....but there must have been legit reasons as to why you decided to put down your script. I was a disgusting junkie who barely wanted to survive...and I have my days where I am totally bored and miss the high...but then..I realize that being bored is much better than being so geeked and ultimately digging my own grave.... If you've gotten this far, continue on the road with the people that are here for you. You have my support and empathy...message me anytime if you wanna talk:) You've got this!

My life before Adderall was considered normal although i've always dealt with anxiety, hyper activity and depression. This is why I was quick fixed the Adderall from the get go. What sketches me out is why in the hell a doctor would prescribe to me Adderall for anxiety.....because there were days on Adderall where I played the same thoughts over and over and over again. I never want those ever again.. /\/\/_____/---\___/\/\/\/ <------me off Adderall with my mood swings:) I completely get what ya'll are sayin about this process NOT being linear....that's how I idealized it to be during the "beginning".....Ashley, I totally feel you on the whole numbing thing and Adderall. Last year, I don't remember really feeling too much except geeked and like TV static...so these up and down feelings are very new.... All in all...I just keep telling myself that I'd rather live my worst day sober than my best day on Adderall...<3 Thanks for all the input ladies.

Vacuuming over and over again until the lines were straight. HAHAHAH-- trust me...I know this all too well:)

Quit Once, Your story was AWESOME to read--I love your connect with nature...Going out in the mountains of North Alabama..looking down and swimming in water holes has really been a huge part of my recovery and soul revival. It's the hippy me-- I love your outlook. I just wanted to say congrats--a year is HUGE deal and I am glad you have made such positive life changes...

Ashley, It's the demon in your head wanting to be fed. It makes excuses to you. It lies to you. I never thought I'd personify addiction..but addiction truly is an evil demon. Sometimes I wish I could reach out more than a response---like as in reaching out my hand or giving a hug when days like these hit. I completely relate to what you are feeling...but know:: You have been clean and are strong! EVERYONE who has once been addicted have thoughts..but you're only remembering the "FUN" part of Adderall. When I think about how much I "got done", how thin I was and how FREAKING FUN it was to party all night long on about 4 20 MGs a night...I then remember the sad-terrible aspects and repercussions I experienced..almost led me to killing myself. Dry mouth, psychosis, late nights, no sleep, OCD thoughts, black eyes, endless cigarettes...and that typically makes it quite clear: Adderall addiction fucking sucks. Quit Once is on T about thinking about old memories but putting into perspective that is exactly what they are:: old memories. YOU HAVE CONTINUED TO LIVE A HEALTHY, CLEAN, ADDERALL FREE LIFE for almost 2 months. You've made an amazing change and life choice. Adderall, for those who have been addicted and chose to feed the demon of addiction.. their outcome is grim.I have been clean for over 35 days now and I understand when days get like that...just just know::Girl, you got this. If you ever want to talk--message me:)

Cassie, Thank you for your replay. Made me feel a tad better It's been so strange--and I blame it on all the torment I put on my brain in the past feel years...but lately I have been tired and depressed and having panic attacks. I feel an extreme amount of guilt and yucky nostalgia towards the choices I made while on Adderall. I don't know if this is the up and down part or if this has been underlying issue I didn't focus on because I was too wasted all last year. I'm just glad I'm not jacked up on Adderall AND feelings these things. It's so hard to find people to talk to these things about--last night I confided in someone and he pretty much said I was making a big deal out of nothing. Just kind of lonely I suppose.. Thank you again for the support and kind words--This too shall pass... Are you feel good these days?

Does anyone feel Bi Polar as you become cleaner and cleaner? I'm well past 30 days now.. I exercise. I eat. I sleep... BUT As positive as I am--I still have very up and down mood swings--mania-down-mania-down.. Today was my first "down" day in awhile. My relationship with my boyfriend has majorly shifted and I've been needy to an extreme...and I know it's been driving him nuts. My personality off drugs is A LOT to handle..I recognize this because I am BLAHSFLKJSADGHDAGH893458375Q$%#$%@@$!!!HEYYYYY LOLOLOOOLOLOLOLOLO YAYYAYAYAYAAYAYAY one minute and then "........." to the next. I think it's about time to go back to the doctor--not for anything amphetamine...but maybe a mood supresent. I'm extremely tired today...don't want Adderall...but..kind of dazed out...

I am happy you are feeling better:) I read a lot of your posts and you always have something interesting, and-or resourceful to add! How long have you been clean? Do you exercise frequently?

Jonny, First and foremost give yourself a freakin pat on the back! To be done with this drug is an ACCOMPLISHMENT, A BLESSING--A RAY OF HOPE. I completely relate to what you are saying with that amphetamines were "it"--when people mentioned "Katie, damn...what is happening to you...when are you going to chill out..or stop taking your medicine?" I would make excuses, laugh to myself and think..."mmm...maybe tomorrow--BUT probably NEVER" I had to give up "trying"--or what is really was--- maintaining my drug addiction. There was no maintenance--only MORE MORE MORE. So I am now well over 40 days and there have been times where I wish things were thrilling like they were on Adderall. My focus is a work in progress. BUT....I will NEVER take Adderall again. It's not even an option..if I want to live a happy and "normal" life. That's just something I have to do:) How are you feeling these days? Are you able to task and work a steady pace?

I apologize about the cursing if that offends anyone!