mila490

Grateful for your example and story of hope, LilTex! Congratulations!

1) Great post, Ragamuffin. It's not easy and that's why it's hard to quit and start recovery. But that's also why it's worthwhile, because you realize you DID it and can live an adderall-free life. 2) AlwaysAwesome- being happier, more loving, etc., doesn't sound at all like a mess to me. Great job and congratulations on 5 months!

Hey, welcome. Sorry to hear you're struggling. I know I speak for a lot of people on this site when I say I've been there and can totally relate. The "I really want to quit, but....[insert reason]" will always be there. You probably won't ever feel 100% ready and there probably won't ever be a perfect time. Especially when you're at the point where you feel like you need a pill to wake up and function at all. Some times are better than others though - example, I wouldn't suggested trying to quit during finals week. Do you have a nice long break in December/January like many colleges do? Quitting is really hard and you'll be tempted to go back on it anytime you feel overwhelmed or when you need to be on your A game, which might feel like all the time in college! So you'll need a game plan for quitting and staying clean. I force myself to look at a list of all the negatives and visit this site. Read the stories here so you know what to expect (spoiler alert: lots of sleeping, eating, and being pretty depressed). But it gets better eventually! If it helps at all, I quit about a year after graduating college and never thought I'd be able to function without Adderall at my job in corporate America, but I did it. Today is 89 days clean. I was a complete sloth for the first month, then things slowly started improving.

Always shocks me just how quickly I can snap back into fantasizing about it. I mull it over for a while then force myself to come to this site and retread all the horrible ways it affected my life. Today's trigger was my friend posting a bunch of photos from when I was at my peak of using. I was skinny mini, so of course freaked out wanting to look like that again. Within an hour of looking at these photos I felt a desperate need to get a psych. appointment. Not going to throw away my progress. Not worth it. (Repeating to myself...)

Appreciate your realism, Cassie. I've found this to be very true. I used to be a two-a-day athlete, but I haven't exercised in weeks (75 days free). I'm just not at the point where I can do much else besides go to work. I was a zombie at work for a few weeks, but I still have my job and am not worried about losing it. I was careful to not overextend myself socially after quitting. I haven't had much desire to go out since I've gained weight. I also didn't want to add alcohol into the mix with feeling depressed and majorly lacking confidence after quitting. Now I have more desire to be social, but I find myself quickly fatigued. It's a balance. Getting enough sleep is huge. I can barely function without 8 hours of sleep when I used to get by on 5-6 hours. I think restorative, healing sleep is a big piece of recovery. You can't cheat nature the way you felt you could on adderall. I tried to rush recovery every other time I tried to quit and I failed each time after getting frustrated with myself. The only reason it's sticking this time is because I let myself slow down. I'm frustrated that I haven't been exercising, taking as many trips, or galavanting as often with my friends, but the accomplished feeling I have from kicking my dependency is far, far greater than my frustration. Be patient with yourself and don't forget why you started.

You're in the right place! Recovery is a worthwhile challenge.

Day 60! Wow, I remember reading through this thread when I first discovered the site and I couldn't imagine 60 days without adderall. How would I ever get anything done at work? How would I pull it together enough to be social? Wouldn't I gain tons of weight? It definitely hasn't been easy and I know this is still early and just the beginning. However, I'm so happy that every day no longer feels like those first few weeks after quitting. Now I open my blinds instead of keeping them shut all day. Some days I feel super depressed, exhausted, and unmotivated and barely get anything done. I only gained about 5 lbs and I no longer have that insatiable hunger. I don't feel great about my weight, but at least I want to exercise now instead of avoiding it because adderall made me sweat like crazy and made my heart race. Now when I'm overwhelmed and have a lot going on (as most of us always do), I take action and check things off my lists, instead of just making more lists and plans and flailing around. This site and the people on it are helping me so much. I can't thank you enough.

Day 59, check.

I was in your position 2 months ago and can completely relate to the horrible nights and weekends. The memory stuff freaks me out because I also had horrible memory for the two years I was on it. Start making a list of all the downsides. Sure, that up felt great when you first started taking it, but now it's harder and harder to sustain and you'll always be chasing that. I can't tell you what's right for you or the right timing, but I know for me it was impossible to ignore a list in front of my face with way more negative than positive impacts on my life.

Day 56. Feeling better than my last post. For whatever reason I started thinking about taking adderall again this morning. One of those random cravings hit me. Then I thought about how awful it would be to quit again and start counting from 1. Sometimes my number - today, 56 - doesn't sound like much. Then I think about those days when I couldn't get off the couch and just watched Netflix. Those days I just waited to pass to count another day clean under my belt. I earned those days; they're too valuable to give up. Random thoughts for the day!

I know for me, one of the hardest parts and "when adderall turned on me" (the title of another topic on here) was when I realized just how heavily I relied on a pill to feel a certain way or do certain things. Certain things started out as work and school, then I found myself needing a pill to feel alive at all. It is really miserable when you try to take off a few days here and there because you think that's what life must be like without adderall. But it's not like that in the long run. Now that I'm 50+ days clean, I can tell you that I feel so much more balanced and even-keeled. I found the downs to be very extreme on weekends or other days when I didn't take pills. Once you get through those first few weeks of recovery, things start to even out. Overall recovery is certainly ongoing and much longer than that. I still feel exhausted and it's not all sunshine, but at least I'm not caught in a cycle of such drastic ups and downs. Anyways, your post struck me because it reminded me how frustrating it is to feel so dependent, yet so awful without taking something. It was awful for me in the beginning, but now I'm so happy that I took the necessary steps to stop taking this crap! Also, you're never going to feel 100% ready to quit. You have to reach a point where you decide the downsides are bad enough that you're ready to be done once and for all. This site has so many great tips to help you get through it, because it will be tough no matter what and no matter when you quit.

Don't worry - those feelings of insatiable hunger do eventually fade. Now I'm really happy I'm free from the ups and downs of having such a suppressed appetite during the week (taking Adderall) and binge eating on the weekends when I didn't take it. I ended up gaining weight on Adderall because of that mixed with failed attempts to quit. I've also gained weight, but 50+ days in I'm slowly starting to focus on eating healthier and moving more. Just be patient.

Day 52. Feeling depressed, drained, and aimless.

Scandal!! New Girl Mad Men (Currently on Season 5 on Netfix) Also loved House of Cards and Orange is the New Black on Netflix.

Day 50!! Between work trips and upcoming friends' visits, I'm happy to report I haven't been too tempted to go back on it. Thoughts have crossed my mind, but I've learned to let them pass without taking action on them. I'm not taking anything besides supplements. I take fish oil and a one-a-day "energy" formula. Makes me laugh that the vitamin has caffeine in it as if you need a daily dose, but it's been good for me during this period. I'm nervous about relying on anything else besides caffeine at this point. I'm glad to hear Wellbutrin is working for you!

Day 47. Sorry to hear about the extreme depression, G, but I'm glad to hear you're doing better. What was with the past week? I felt way more depressed than earlier in recovery too. Trying to keep busy and active but still in a pretty "meh" mood.

I'm really glad that I cut off my supplier (doctor) as people on this site suggested. If not, there are at least two times in the last week when I would've easily picked up the phone to make an appointment for a prescription. Similar to you, I felt lonely and bored and craved the high. I also think a lot about it when overwhelmed at work and thinking about losing weight for upcoming trips and events. So basically all the time lately. I divert the craving by forcing myself to think about all the bad things it brought. It's so easy to sugarcoat it and fantasize about the high and being all sped up. Don't let yourself overlook the negatives. There's a reason you found this site and gave it up; don't forget that!

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story with us! It sounds like you've been through a lot. It's great to hear that you're in a better situation with your mom now and that you have a job you love. I can 100% relate to all the plans made while on Adderall without actually following through on them. It was such a frustrating cycle. Glad you found this forum and look forward to hearing more from you!

Day 44. Felt super depressed this weekend and have insatiable hunger in a way I haven't since probably the first two weeks after quitting. I just wanted to sleep and eat all weekend. Experiencing how recovery is up and down and not a linear process for sure.

Day 40. Thanks for the support guys! I love seeing the days add up and am so happy that I finally committed to fully quitting.

Day 39

Definitely think about it everyday (only 38 days clean, so to be expected). I think we have to build up confidence doing things without it to feel like we have a solid footing and foundation where eventually it's easier to suppress the temptation and see adderall as unappetizing. Not a short or easy process, but I have faith that it's worthwhile.

Day 38

Welcome and great job jumping right into the 30 day challenge! Checking here has been huge for keeping me accountable. It's one of those things that is not easy, but is 100% worth it. You've got this.

Thanks for sharing so honestly on here. I'm currently still at a point where I freak out when people ask me to go out or do anything because I feel so fat since giving up Adderall. The truth is that, while on adderall, I gained back all the weight I lost on it initially during the first year. So since quitting, I haven't gained much, but I'm up almost 20 lbs. from my lowest on-adderall weight. I am tempted to go back on it when I think about upcoming events, etc., when in the past I would think, "Well thank goodness I can take adderall and lose some weight to fit into that dress." But now after that thought I, like you, also make myself think of my strange behavior, heavier drinking, and other negative side effects. We can have such a selective memory when it comes to this drug (and, I imagine, any addiction), but we can't let ourselves sugarcoat it. Also, some practical advice- I recently read two books that might be helpful: -Fit from Within by Victoria Moran: very easy read with 101 sensible tips. I have an all or nothing attitude usually, but this book helped me shift to more balanced thinking. *This book also made me realize how badly I wanted to get off adderall- “You can’t be choosy about which monkeys you get off your back. It has to be all monkeys, one at a time perhaps, but all of them nonetheless.†-Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth: Don't be scared away by the title; the book isn't about religion or God at all. This book helped me identify some of the reasons why I turned to food and felt like I couldn't control myself around food. It also opened to my eyes to why I was constantly chasing a goal weight or going on a new diet - to feel like a had a purpose/goal, instead of looking at other areas of my life that might've been harder to face. I wouldn't normally buy into this self help stuff, but I have to say these 2 books really did help me build a healthier perspective, which I desperately needed.