mila490

I notice that people interact with me differently too when I'm off adderall. I probably come across as way too intense when on it. I think it's important in the early days of recovery to remind yourself of the antisocial zombieness. It's hard because you feel so depressed and tired that you wonder if you'll ever have energy again, let alone worrying about being social. But like I said, the small social interactions make a difference and remind you what it's like to be "normal" again.

"It feels good to not feel guilty all the time." Yes! Exactly.

Expanding on my previous post ... being SOCIAL is my favorite thing about being Adderall-free. I'm making a point to lay low and take care of myself on the weekends instead of going out with friends. I can't wear myself out if I'm going to make recovery a priority. But small everyday social interactions are making me realize how great it is to be 18 days clean. I felt bad because a new younger guy started working in my office. A friend introduced us, yet I never talked to him because I was glued to my desk staring at my screen every time he walked by. I barely had the politeness to force out a "hey, how are you?" to him. Today we had a whole conversation that ended with him saying we should get lunch. What if I was on Adderall today? I would've been too busy to get up and get coffee and, god forbid, run into someone and talk to them. If I HAD stood up to get coffee, I would've zipped over, nodded hi to him, maybe mumbled "what's up?," stared down at my cup filling up, hastily thrown in some Splenda, and zipped right back to my desk to play with my Very Important Spreadsheets. Jeez.

I have to constantly remind myself how awful that vicious cycle feels. That's one of the main reasons why I got so fed up with the drug. I would go away for weekends with my friends or have friends visit me and I had to take a pill in order to function. Again, that's just not sustainable. I'm a bit of a workaholic already and losing my weekends made it even more dramatic. I'd tell myself to just get through until I could take my medicine Monday morning. What a horrible way to exist when I could be out living! I'm only on day 18 of being clean, so my weekends have still been lazy, but I'm looking forward to having motivation to pursue other hobbies and activities on the weekends. I think it's absolutely true that you pay for the high you feel at first from stimulants (I say "at first," because eventually you lose that feeling, yet keep chasing it). There has to be a balance and nature/biology makes up for it in the form of depression and lethargy when you don't take a pill. Isn't that hazy, unmotivated fog the worst?

Day 17. Shit this is hard...drove to work and turned around and went home like a weirdo. My boss is away today and I can "work from home" but still, not good and very frustrating. I'm embarrassed but this is my only outlet to admit this and try to work through it. Now I don't know if I should chug some coffee and try to go in or take a sick day. I have a lot of work to do. Maybe I'll aim to go in at lunchtime.

Loved reading through this thread and relating to others who had issues with punctuality and sociability. In the early stages of using amphetamines, I felt like superwoman and took on a ton of activities besides work and school. I spread myself way too thin and half-assed my participation in (and passion for) everything. Ironically, I felt like I owned the world, but the foundations of my normal behavior, like always being punctual, slipped away. I always thought I'd feel defeated not being able to "do it all," all the time. Instead, I'm thankful for the self-knowledge that I am easily overwhelmed and need to ruthlessly prioritize how I spend my time (or else I'll become paralyzed and do nothing), Also ironic how many of us felt like antisocial zombies after some time on amphetamines. I, for one, loved the newfound talkativeness and outgoing personality I had when I first started. How quickly that fades and turns into quite the opposite. Same thing with sleep; at first you feel invincible requiring less sleep than is healthy. Then it catches up to you and backfires. Worth noting these here so I don't selectively remember the honeymoon phase and forget the god-awful rest.

Day 16. Felt so great waking up naturally before my alarm and feeling ready to take on the day. This is exactly why I needed to quit. I had miserable weekends every weekend when I was in the routine of taking daily adderall (and experiencing the negative side effects and realizing my dependency had crossed a line I wasn't comfortable with). If I chose to take a break from the pills, I'd be a sloth all weekend. If I chose to take them, the extent of my neuroticism was made obvious with the absence of work on the weekends. Don't want to sugarcoat things, since yesterday I was completely exhausted. I Netflixed and drank coffee on the couch all day. Ups and downs, ebbs and flows.

Thanks! Recovery is an exercise in persistence for me. The past 2 weeks were crazy busy for me at work, so it's practically a miracle that I survived without popping a pill. I had just had enough of feeling miserable on it though. Thankfully things should be quieter for the next few weeks work-wise. I agree that having systems for prioritization is so important! I'm moving to a new place in a few weeks and taking some vacation days for that. Moving will be an ambitious task, but there's also the Labor Day long weekend and taking extra days to organize my new place will be good. Fresh new environment can't hurt! It's going to be important to stay the course during the move because that could easily overwhelm me and send me crawling back, but I think it's good that I'm aware and anticipating that challenge.

I *thought* I made significant life changes during my adderall honeymoon, but looking back this was more my perception than reality. If I paid closer attention, I would've seen red flags sooner even in the honeymoon phase. When I didn't take adderall on the weekends, I was a prisoner in my house just eating and sleeping. Then Monday morning I'd be superwoman again. Hint: not sustainable. I lost ~15 lbs. and loved finally reaching my goal weight and losing my appetite. I'm perfectly healthy +15 lbs., so it was always just an obsessive fixation of mine (still is). Being thinner gave me a charge of confidence. When I look back though, it seems as if every "positive" from that period was accompanied by a negative I was just too blind to see at the time. I got good grades and rocked my internship projects, but simultaneously started skipping classes, sleeping in, and being perpetually late. I was more socially outgoing and confident, but only when I actually managed to get out. Otherwise, I was laser focused on my own little world and irritable and antisocial. It's also hard to look back at positive things that happened, like getting a job, and wonder if you could've done it without a drug. Of course you could have, but it sucks to lose your confidence and question your own abilities in hindsight.

Reviving this topic- I recently moved on my own very far away from my family and friends. I can only go home around the holidays. I've grown up so much, but it's also been very lonely, so I adopted a shelter dog. It's a lot of work, but having him also really opened my eyes to some of my issues. I was always too busy to walk him or take him out while on Adderall. Gross. It's been hard lately with the laziness I feel while recovering, but I am slowly starting to take better care of him. I love coming home to his little face after hard, long workdays. It's been good for me to be responsible for something other than myself!

GDTRFB, how are you doing? Today is day 15, halfway to 30. Felt pretty rough yesterday after having a work event Thursday night, and the exhaustion and lack of motivation continues today. Very happy that I made it through 2 stressful work weeks without a pill. As many of you write about, I'm realizing a huge part of this is accepting the crappy feelings, hunger, and sleepiness. Weight gain terrifies me. In the past, I would get to 20-something days clean and freak out and run back to the pills in an effort to lose weight. That won't happen this time, because I know taking a pill will no longer help me lose weight. I'm finally dealing with my food issues and weight obsession in a healthier way.

My anger was mostly a result of adderall + alcohol. I keep a few unpleasant memories marked down so I remember how crazy adderall made me. In my everyday life people would probably describe me as very calm, mellow, and patient. And yet. -Threw a drink in a stranger's face at a bar while visiting a friend in NYC. I was on vacation and spending a few days with my friends...why did I ever think I needed adderall during that time? Oh right, because I was so dependent I would've been miserable and asleep without it. Some guy elbowed me (uh, that tends to happen at bars.....), and I reacted by throwing a drink in someone's face. What?! -Concert in college: got angry at a friend for absolutely no reason and left the concert after two songs. Walked back to my dorm alone and I was so mad I ripped and broke a bracelet off my arm. -Other various college parties: would get pissed off and leave by myself. -Friend visited me halfway across the country and I ended up hysterically crying and in a fight with her, almost causing her to cut her trip short. -Always irritable even to to the point of yelling at my own mother on the phone. Writing these out is embarrassing, but therapeutic too. I sound like a crazy reality show cast member. I cringe because I am so not naturally aggressive in any way, it was a total shift on adderall. So yes, I think adderall very likely has a role in your friend's anger. We all get frustrated at times, but adderall spurs you to blow things way out of proportion, in my opinion.

Happy to say I'm here working on my recovery although it's still in its infancy, because I'm afraid I would've quit my job if I didn't quit Adderall. I have a job in corporate America that I got right out of college. Adjusting to office life has been a big wake up call and it's what made me realize what a problem Adderall was for me. I became totally antisocial and obsessed with planning and making all my spreadsheets perfectly color-coded. I worked in my own little bubble of planning without executing. Only just starting to dig myself out of it. The biggest lesson I've learned in my job so far is that execution and follow through is everything in corporate America. No one gives a crap that you came up with the world's most comprehensive plan if you don't execute it. My execution was almost nonexistent on Adderall. I made lists of everything I needed to do instead of just doing them. I'm still struggling with my confidence at work because I was hired on Adderall and because of internships while taking Adderall. It's hard to trust that you can perform at the level expected without a drug. Trying to be patient and build up my confidence again! Whoa long post ... you can tell that work is basically my life!

Good for you for getting right back on here. Day 12, check.

I just downloaded Lift and it looks great so far, although I haven't started tracking my goals yet. Has anyone ever used the "Streaks" app? I highly recommend it. You can set up different calendars to track your progress and you check off each day. I find it very motivating in the quitting adderall process. Once the little check marks pile up, you don't want to break the chain!

Well I posted a dramatic and lengthy post on here about giving up cold turkey after I had enough of how crazy it made me. I got rid of all my pills and felt free. About 2 weeks later I called and begged for a dr's appointment. I received a call the day of my appointment that it had to be rescheduled and I just about lost it. Like almost cried at work lost it. Went back on it and fell into my old ways with a big knot of hopelessness in my stomach.

Day 10 done. Had to do some promotional outreach today at work. I got nervous yesterday and thought back on how "zoomed up" I would feel on Adderall, which made me think seriously about taking it today when I had to be outgoing and peppy. But then I reminded myself how short lived that feeling always is and how I can never take it "just this once." One always turns into weeks, then months, of acting like a lunatic. Moving forward...

Walking my dog along the river at the end of a hazy lazy Sunday with dragonflies buzzing around us. Day 9 of my recovery. I used to pick my fingers as my eyes anxiously darted around, too nervous and in a hurry to look fellow walkers, runners, etc., in the eyes. Today I smiled and said hi to many instead. Relief.

Day 8. Initially posted here months ago as a newbie proclaiming how I was giving up Adderall cold turkey, but ohh how I came running back. This is tough stuff! Trying to make it stick this time.

Hi and welcome. I can completely relate to the trapped feeling. The only way out is through, so keep going and you will feel better in time. Today is my 7th day without Adderall. I am relying heavily on caffeine and making sure I get lots of sleep. It's crazy how tempting it is to go back on the drug. One minute you might be feeling good and proud of your progress so far and the next minute you want to throw your hands up and go take a pill for that kick. I made a list of all the reasons I will feel better off without it eventually. I made a list of all the negatives being on Adderall too. Whenever I'm tempted I look at both of these lists and I've found it really helps. Simple, but it helps. Best of luck and keep checking in here.

This website is such a savior. I found it through a Google search for who knows what. You know you’ve had enough when you start searching for Adderall withdrawal tips, how to avoid weight gain without Adderall, etc. I’ve browsed through many of the articles and other stories on the website and my own is quite similar. I feel a bit silly posting my story, but it helped me to read others' stories, so here goes nothing. I hope this helps someone out there struggling. Note that I am not out of the woods yet; I’m only 6 days clean, but I am happier than ever that I made this decision. It seemed harmless in the beginning. I had my first few tastes of amphetamine-glory during all nighters in college. I found myself engaged and focused on subjects that previously bored me. I liked the study perk, but only took it twice in two years. I should have known. One or two is never enough for my addictive personality. So I decided I could go to the doctor myself. I sought validation from my family and friends – “I’ve always been really distracted, right?†“It takes me so long to focus on anything, I must need medication, right?†They nodded and gave me the validation I sought. The doctor’s white coat and medical opinion were also validating. The doctor legitimately diagnosed me with ADD. I’m not here to say whether or not I truly feel the diagnosis was warranted, but I gleefully filled the prescription and set off on a two-year journey that led me here. I never abused the medication, but it’s scary to feel dependent on anything that alters your behaviors and personality so dramatically. I can’t argue that Adderall helped me complete some tasks that normally took much longer. Adderall especially helped me plan and make lists. I laughed reading other stories about Excel spreadsheets, because I became known at work for my obsessively color-coded spreadsheets. At first, Adderall made me lose weight, which was a welcome side effect. I savored the “You’re so tiny!†comments, as any college girl would. Then Adderall made me lose my mind. I was in overdrive M-F and dead on the weekends when I chose not to take the drug. It was like a 48-hour hangover every 5 days. I knew that if I stopped taking the drug, I would feel that hangover extended over many days, which terrified me. All I did was eat and sleep on those days. I couldn’t gain weight! So I kept on taking the drug. When I think rationally, I can see that Adderall didn’t do a damn positive thing for me. I stopped going out with my friends. I would get incredibly drunk every time I drank. I became abnormally antisocial and irritable. Adderall made me think I didn’t have time for small talk; I had other things, like to do lists, to focus on! I was on a rollercoaster. I stopped exercising because it was so uncomfortable (excessive sweating and crazy heart beat). I was a competitive athlete for most of my life and exercise always meant a lot more to me than just burning calories. Adderall took away my desire to challenge myself. Now that’s some negative and powerful stuff. How did I ever get lead so far astray? When I graduated college a year ago, I thought I’d try to stop taking Adderall. I landed my dream job in corporate America, though, and I couldn’t risk messing it up, so I kept on taking the drug. I went through periods of trying to give it up, but then I’d freak out about my weight or productivity and pop the pills again. Rollercoaster. I started to become very anxious on the drug or so hyper-focused on things other than work at work. I was completely sleep-deprived and could barely wake up for work in the mornings. I started sleeping in often and not even caring that I was showing up for work late. I couldn’t start my day without the drug in my system. Adderall’s magical motivational powers were taking a turn in the opposite direction. I would go days without working on my work projects, because I had to make to do lists and “organize my life.†Life can never be organized into a perfect little box, though. At some point you have to stop making to do lists and actually get up and go DO. I’m not sure exactly what clicked, but last week I decided I was done with this rollercoaster. That’s the thing about rollercoasters – you go up, down, upside down, and around a few times, but then you need to unbuckle your seatbelt, stand up, and get off the ride. You can’t continue riding around forever … doesn’t that just sound miserable? I gave it up cold turkey, put all my pills in a baggie full of Windex (whatever works, right?), and threw them out. As I said, I wasn’t on a very high dose and never abused my prescription, but, as we all know, giving up Adderall at any level is a tough task. I was going to keep a few pills “just to be safe,†but I decided to just get it all out of my apartment. I’d rather not give myself the option, because “just one†is never enough. It might have been dumb to do it in the middle of the work week, but I knew about the impending depression, and I needed to force myself to be in a public, work setting to help combat it (as backwards as that sounds). I can’t say I accomplished much at work the past few days and it sure took a lot of caffeine to get myself there, but I did it. One of the best, most helpful things I read on this website was that "you have to get used to not functioning without the drug before you can get used to functioning without it.†So I sat at my desk, surfed the web, and chugged coffee. The good news is that I already feel my motivation without the drug creeping back in. I can’t wait to get back to the gym. I can’t wait to wake up feeling rested and ready for work. I can’t wait to actually enjoy things like going out to dinner with my friends and, you know, actually eating and socializing. I can’t wait to do more with my weekends than sleep, eat, and count down the hours until I can take a pill. For a while, The Adderall Effect made me feel like superwoman and on top of the world. Then it all caught up to me. Now I feel the opposite and like a fog has lifted that’s allowing me to think clearly without the drug. I've had enough. I quit Adderall. Thanks if you actually read through this long-winded story. It helps to write it all out and I hope it helps if you read it. Helpful tips: Happy music, long drives, long walks (with a pup if you have one!), reading, letting myself get plenty of sleep, drinking lots of caffeine, TV/movies (anything to pass the time is helpful those first few days), reading stories on this website, vitamins/supplements, and – most importantly – keeping some perspective and knowing that you’ll be much better off once you get through the first few days/weeks.

Thanks for sharing - I think your advice is great and have found much of it to be true myself.