dangerbean

iced coffee helped me keep my head up and be able to put one foot in front of the next on a regular basis.

oops...it must be all psychosomatic because i actually took an L-lysine supplement! heh.

I just tried it this morning. I have to admit, I feel like the faucet's been turned back on. pretty neat....will there be a coinciding crash though???

I'm more concerned about what 11 years on/off adderall may have done to my heart. i guess it jsut seems like the brain is a more fungible/adaptable organ than the heart, so to speak. I don't mean that in terms of brain transplant v heart transplant. I mean, different parts of the brain will compensate for damaged parts of the brain so that a person can continue to function. with the heart--not so much. once the heart gets a little wonky, eventually the whole thing goes.

so, i got some advice from ya'll to lower expectations of myself....so, in honor of that...i'm watching the Big Lebowski, because honestly, his life seems pretty amazing and it's pretty much how i feel now. especially the opening scene....going to the grocery store in a robe and sandals to buy chocolate milk--with a check....because who can seriously have energy to get cash out..... but seriously...if i "fall" from being a super over achiever to being something like the dude, then that's pretty okay with me. =p

okay...made it through one task...grudgingly. am going home now. tomorrow i will see if i can make it through two tasks...heh.

I'm just past day thirty...i think. I'm not really sure because the way I chose to quit was to burn through a script--going out in a "blaze of glory" then not take my new script. I'm not sure how early i burned through my previous script. Anyway....I have gained about 22lbs. I am also really depressed, and suffering from lots of anxiety. I keep looking at the bottle of pills I have and thinking how easy it would be....I am struggling at work, struggling at home, struggling in the car. I don't know... my body hurts. Did anyone else feel bloated and like their joints ached afterwards? it seems like yummy junk food and trashy tv is all that gets me by one day to the next. I force myself to exercise but it too is so much more challenging that it has ever been in my entire life. It's so scary to feel like I"m starting off worse than I was before I even turned to adderall. I am self employed...which is a blessing and a curse in this case. Blessing because I have some flexibility and I cannot be fired for being less productive than usual. But it's a curse too because it's so easy to just keep procrastinating in the hopes that one day I will wake up with the energy, motivation, and focus to do my work again. Of course, I just keep leaving early and coming in late (if i come in at all lately). Does anyone have any suggestions to help me with this stuff? I am so close to giving up on sobriety....although i hate the idea of being a speedy zombie again....i know that seems like an oxymoron, but honestly, on adderall, i felt like my mind was on fast forward while my body was on pause. I feel like I need help, but I don't know where to get it from. Before I quit I told my doctor i wanted to stop taking it, hoping he'd help me with a step down approach...instead he said he felt i was self-sabotaging. My boyfriend is hardly around and has absolutely zero context of understanding what this is like anyway (that's more complicated). I set out today with the goal of doing three things at work. right now...i'm posting on this forum just to be at my office...maybe i just do one of those three.....here goes!!! I'll update when task number 1 is done. if it's less than an hour, then maybe i'll move on to task number two.....

sometimes...it's so bad that I dont even get the energy together to take my shoes off and properly lie down...instead i sort of sit...half reclining, breifcase still on my shoulder, shoes on, on my bed...for hours...half sitting up/lying down...til i pop more adderall and move....so horrible.

about the time that I would go to work with teh goal of being "Super lawyer" and would instead sit at my desk picking at my scalp for literally eight hours straight hyper googling conspiracy theories or falling down youtube holes. At home was worse. I'd come home, flop on my bed because my body hurt all over and I'd think that I wanted to exercise, but instead i'd just lie on my bed thinking that i should exercise and debating if it was worth it to take more adderall to find that motivation...this would go on for like five or six hours with me eventually taking more adderall, working out and then staying up all night googling conspiracies and watching youtube. I'd set my alarm super early, hell bent on breaking the cycle. Wake up and have to pop a ton of adderall to get awake and do the same thing again. Lots of physical symptoms--dry mouth/skin, bad breath, bleary eyes, grinding teeth, headaches, brittle hair....yuck....and thisi s spot on.... as is:

-I've used a LOT of adderall ever since I began attending law school over a decade ago. I heard of other students taking it to get and stay ahead in a highly competitive environment, so I jumped on that band wagon. Since then, I have had periods where I have stopped taking it. About three and a half years ago, I went through a really bad break up and changed jobs. I got back on Adderall. At first it helped tremendously with my mood, losing weight, being able to work and not think about my broken heart. About six months ago, however, I began burning through my perscriptions really, really fast. Like two weeks early. And then I would be in withdrawal til the next script day--which was like Christmas. But even with those scripts, the first couple of days would be good and productive, but more and more, i felt less and less like I did anything besides sit around and think. So, eventually, when I had burned through a script really fast, I decided not to keep taking them--figuring that the worst of withdrawal was over and they had become counter productive anyway. For several weeks I did feel like I had a new lease on life. Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, shopping, household projects were all fun and I was doing them all because it just felt good too--not because I was in absolute dire straights to get them done for the first time in i can't remember how long. But that feeling seems to have worn off too. now I just feel tired, and a lot of anxiety. I know it is work related, but it is so hard for me to get any work done. It's been about 30 days since I quit. I also used to be a big pilates buff and I cannot even seem to get the easiest workouts completed, but when I feel that anxiety I try really hard to exercise to help relieve it. I'm glad I'm not living on adderall, but I still feel miserable. How can i get myself into good work habits? how can i get myself in to good eating/exercise habbits? how can i manage this anxiety/depression? thanks all for listening.