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  1. Yesterday
  2. Great post and great reminders. Thank you for sharing!
  3. It makes my moments easier, but my life harder. This is by far the most important realization I made about Adderall. My everyday chores/experiences may be "enhanced" or "easier" with Adderall taking care of them for me, but the quality of my life drastically decreases as a whole. This observation plagues me, because I know it is true. And I relapsed, even after I realized this observation. Quitting Adderall, as hard of a decision as it may be, is nowhere near as hard as STAYING off of Adderall. Quitting while experiencing the pain of the hell that Adderall puts you through is easy, relatively speaking. Any change you make in your life is easy once the pain of staying the same overpowers the pain of the change in question. Yeah it is scary and the fearful thought of "how will I function without it" is kind of drowned out by the pain of your experience on it once you have had enough of destroying yourself. Once that pain disappears into the background however, getting farther and farther away many months later, it becomes more of a distant memory that doesn't seem half as bad once life returns back to normal again, and when normal everyday shit is boring. Especially when you realize that you simply don't enjoy things like you used to, THIS is the danger zone!!!!!! And it could happen fucking 7 months later after you've been 100% clean no problem!!! It is not enough to simply quit. There has to be some long and/or short term aspirations/goals/dreams that DIRECTLY benefit from not taking Adderall! I find that just focusing on quitting with nothing else added in the picture to take your mind off of Adderall (or even better, to make you feel thankful you are not on it), makes quitting much harder. For me at the present time this is about getting more into shape. Off of Adderall, my physical conditioning is insane. I could spend 45 minutes weightlifting and right after that incorporate 45 minutes HIIT. On Adderall, even if one or two days after taking it, I am thankful if I can even make it 30 minutes total before I am winded! I am trying to find other activities as well. Not just the gym. Ultimately, my goal is to not even think about Adderall, due to the fact that there are way too many important things I am working on that Adderall will directly damage. Imagine not even thinking about it. You know, like someone who has never taken it? How awesome would that be!!!! If you made the decision to quit permanently, but haven't gotten rid of your pills, then you haven't made the decision to quit. I am guilty of this myself. And my biggest reason for not throwing them away is "what if there is just one time that I REALLY need them? How about I'll ONLY do it that one time, and ONLY if I truly really need to?".... Yeeeaaaaahhhhhh right. Welcome to self-deception. Nobody can scam you as good as you can scam yourself. The ship cannot sail unless you untie the rope from port. Flush them down the fucking toilet. You are addicted for life, even if you never pop an Adderall again. This one may sound extreme, but this is the way I truly feel about Adderall. After 7 months of being clean, while admittedly not a super long time being clean, it IS substantial given that it was cold turkey after obsessive extended daily use - I very quickly (within a week) fell into the EXACT same patterns of use and behavior as I did when I was at my lowest point with Adderall. Like no issues whatsoever getting right back into the swing of things. Feelings often follow action, not the other way around. This came from my experience in sales, where newbies would only attempt to make sales once they feel confident and happy and when the "right moment" comes around. Of course, all the hesitance just increased their anxieties (and my own when I would do this). Jumping into action will follow by the appropriate feelings. Just take the first step. This realization is more of a general realization and kind of experimental because most of the time after I quit I felt lethargic a lot. And I am sure that in the beginning it was real, but how long can it possibly last? I am starting to think because I became accustomed to not pushing myself DESPITE not "feeling like it", I was in a constant state of lethargy and I blamed it on quitting Adderall, even though it had nothing to do with Adderall at a certain point. I am starting to think I should just push myself to go out even if I am tired, and while being out my mood and energy levels will pick up. Does anyone here share my observations, or is this all purely my own subjective experience?
  4. Day 122 - Over one-third of a year I’ve been off amphetamines. Yippee!
  5. Last week
  6. @hyper_critical Could you elaborate on the prgrams available for people the medical field? I'm a nurse and been trying to quit taking adderall for some time now but my job makes it so hard to do so.
  7. I’ve been drinking Vitamin water (zero - rise orange) for the past several months every morning. It’s not any big boost but it really helps me start the day off. I haven’t had caffeine since this whole debacle started so I’d been hunting for anything that could give some boost in mental clarity and this drink does that for me.
  8. Feeling Lonely

    yeah dude, definitely give yoga a whirl. I've only done it at home on dvds but the people I know that go to hot yoga or any yoga classes say its changed their life. I also recommend jiu jitsu to everyone. Male or female, its incredible. The bond you develop with people doing a martial art together is incredible. It happens quick and you almost instantly feel like family.
  9. Mom- 22 mo clean after 13 years

    @sleepystupidThank you for sharing that point of time reference. It’s so true-time off of speed is actual time felt. Now what I need to work on is using my time efficiently. Making a list for daily activities had helped me recently, so I’m sure incorporating that into work would help with time management as well. Thank you for your insight! @Socially awkwardWow Indonesia seems like a beautiful place to recover! I don’t think it’s that extreme at all, I think everyone has their own way of doing things and only you know yourself the best, as well as what’s likely to work for you. I actually took a cross country road trip when I quit for three weeks- luckily my husband was able to do all the driving but a change in scenery and culture can really help your mind focus on other things besides everything you are experiencing with your withdraw. As far as taking adderall as an appetite suppressant, this was me 100% as well. I did get decent sleep surprising my time of use but I attribute that to drinking so much and just pure exhaustion on my body from being overworked/malnourished. ps-I apologize for the weird text and my lack of format. I’ve been traveling this week and can’t seem to figure things easily on my phone. I hope everyone has a good weekend!
  10. Mom- 22 mo clean after 13 years

    i'm sorry to hear this, it sounds like a miserable job experience! coming back to my earlier point about distorted perception, is it possible that you enforced these behaviors on yourself, even though it was never actually expected of you? there's no way an employer should be able to restrict bathroom breaks or encourage people not to take lunch breaks! distorted expectations - a very common theme with Adderall abuse.
  11. @DrewK15 yes, you are absolutely right. I’m trying to do this at the moment, exploring new hobbies or activities I might enjoy. I hope I will still enjoy working out at the gym without Dex and that this activity hasn’t totally been ruined for me. Maybe I’ll have to take up a new sport instead? I’m also reading up about healthy eating and nutrition that everyone recommends on here. I’m finding this recent change in my diet is really helping me to feel more positive about life in general. I never ate on Dex but when I did, it was always heavily processed junk food.
  12. Mom- 22 mo clean after 13 years

    @sleepystupid yes! I agree with you 100%. I never had time for anything, I was always so busy being productive and I’d literally rip someone’s head of if they dared interrupt me from my important work (which no longer seems so important now) Im not even 3 weeks clean yet and I already feel I have so much time on my hands it’s driving me insane. I’ve also aquired tendinitis in my ankle which means I can’t exercise or be as active as I’d like to be. I complained to my dad about my poor foot and he laughed and simply said it’s natures way of forcing me to slow down before I give myself a heart attack. He thinks it’s a blessing that I may now be forced to find calmness and stillness in my life. I’ve rarely known the old man to be wrong but I’m still finding everything to be quite frustrating at the moment.
  13. Mom- 22 mo clean after 13 years

    @Kiki I wish I had some tips/advice. I’ve had to take 5weeks off work to recover. I made up some lame excuse to get the time off and I have actually flown to Indonesia (currently here now) to the one country where I know this drug is illegal. It might sound a bit extreme but I felt having an absolute lack of access to this drug is the only way I know I can get clean. im also scared about returning to work and even contemplating quitting my job indefinitely. I just dont feel I can work as fast or efficiently without my drugs. We work anywhere for 12-18hrs shifts and we often don’t eat anything. Im also economical with the amount of water I consume To avoid toilet trips as it’s not possible to walk away and leave a patient unattended on life support. I feel half the reason I abused Dexamphetamine for so long was to ward off hunger and work these stupid hrs without needing to sleep. Some of the staff practice intermittent fasting as opposed to taking stimulants but I can’t seem to last that long without food. Sadly, Dex in addition to Ritalin are heavily abused amongst many of us in the workplace. However, I’d rather give up my job than continue to abuse amphetamines until it eventually costs me my life! If I find something that does work/help I’ll post back and let you know. I’m wondering if sleep might be the key to surviving this lifestyle? I’d often not sleep for days at a time and lucky to average 2 hrs a night max.
  14. @Socially awkward this recovery is a chance to reinvent yourself a bit. New places, people, and things. That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to quit your job or move, but working some things into your life that you do not associate with Dex is going to help so much. I totally feel you on the music and weed thing. It’s still my biggest trigger. I’ll be listening to a new song I like and find myself thinking “this song would really be awesome if I was high right now”. 10 1/2 months into sobriety I am starting to enjoy music again, although my taste has changed a bit. I think your appreciation for music could come back if you stay off the Dex long enough, it did for me.
  15. Feeling Lonely

    Hey Drew- Definitely try out yoga - I have been to yoga class twice already this week and have done it for about 7 years now. It keeps me flexible in middle age. I spend a lot of time on another online forum that has lots of friendly people, from all over the world, who don't like dating.
  16. Feeling Lonely

    @DrewK15 don’t worry about what others think. You will find the majority of yogis are kind, good natured people and wouldn’t make fun of someone starting out for the first time. Infact, they are likely to offer words of encouragement. Maybe chat to the teachers and join a beginners vinyasa class as opposed to starting out with advanced power yoga until you feel you are ready. You’ll also find that most people are focussed on their own journey on the mat and completely unaware of what others are doing anyways. I relate to how you are feeling, I’m 38 in a few months and most of my friends are married, have kids and have moved on. I feel most would judge me if I opened up to them about my addiction. The 2 I confided in have already cut me off. Another idea I’m thinking of is joining some meet up groups or volunteering with some animal charities. I’m not sure if that is something you might be able to do in your area?
  17. @Frank B yep, totally nailed it.
  18. I feel no one has taken my addiction seriously because I was abusing a legal substance. Putting in longer hrs at work, studying a post graduate degree and killing it at the gym means there is “no problem”. It wasn’t until I started “checking out of life” when I eventually became so unwell I could hardly function, that alarm bells started to ring and people started to ask “are you ok?”. Unfortunately I’ve come to associate everything in my life with Dexamphetamine. I fear I won’t be able to enjoy my work, training at the gym, study, visiting the same old places and people ever again without taking pills. I think this is where our problem lies. The real struggle is learning to find these things enjoyable again without Adderrall (or Dex in my case) in our system. I was addicted to weed many yrs ago. In comparison this was way easier to quit as weed made me check out of life. The only thing I’d learned to associate with my habit was countless hours listening to music and playing guitar. After quitting I wasn’t able to get back into my music as I no longer found it enjoyable without weed.
  19. I’m now starting to feel comfortable around people. I’m starting to feel like the old me. It’s hard connecting with people when your anxious and depressed. I personally wanted to hide in my shell. I knew I could not hold conversations with people or work with people without anxiety. That’s why I waited 8 months before I started working again. The loneliness anxiety and depression we experience in recovery will make us stronger in the long run. Next year when I’m fully healthy and healed I am going to attack life with a vengeance. I’ll never forget this time in my life. I’m going to use it as rocket fuel. Be good to yourself. Your climbing from rock bottom. Very few people understand the suffering of rock bottom. You feel like a failure . But a lot of successful people are driven by failures. The meaning I give to all the anxiety loneliness depression I had to go through was to make me stronger in the long run. These are my demons. Fighting demons is making me better. In a twisted way it’s almost like I been given a gift. I have a feeling if I had not fallen and suffered I would have continued life in an unfocused way. I’ll never forget this time in my life. I feel like I’m becoming a warrior. Someone who crushes demons and attacks challenges. We are not defeated we are being built up
  20. Day 118 - Spirits are back in the dumps today. I’m struggling with loneliness and depression this week. I know relationships suffered on Adderall, but I feel that I am having an almost worse time connecting with people and staying connected to them off of Adderall. I have become so self conscious of everything I do and say (probably thanks to the weight gain). I haven’t had a drink in a few weeks, but I’m really wanting one right now. AA is calling. Being an addict really sucks.
  21. 23 months clean on my birthday

    Happy Birthday and congrats for finding a job already. What part of Colorado are you living in?
  22. Just a little update. Im back in Colorado and happy to be here. Just got a job, first day was today. Went well. Next month will be my two years clean but to be honest I’ve had two relapses each for about two weeks but I still consider my clean date to be when I stopped on the verge of death almost two years ago. Stay strong everybody, love you guys.
  23. Good thread starter. As an alcoholic, I can show up to any number of AA meetings and get the support I need. Adderall addiction is on the other end of the spectrum. These past four months have been lonely as hell. I think most of the NA meetings around here cater to opoid addicts. Stimulant addiction is barely talked about because the focus is all on opoids. The only real support I’ve found has been this forum.
  24. I was so addicted to the act of just taking a pill whenever I needed a boost. I'm sure I got a tremendous placebo affect from taking the herbal stimulants that I used during my first year of recovery. Even 5 hour energy and sugar free red bull provided the boost I used to seek from Adderall. Just last weekend, I slammed a red bull in mid afternoon and happily went off into my day.
  25. yup. totally this. most other hard drugs are associated with checking-out of life. Adderall is the completely opposite - you start taking it to check-in to life more than you ever have. we're not just addicted to the drug, we're addicted to the idea that there's a pill that can help us achieve our dreams of success.
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