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  1. Today
  2. Thanks for the thoughtful replies and for the prayers. I started out about 4.5 years ago on 40 mg per day. Within about a year or less, I began re-dosing. To resolve this problem, I had my dosage increased to 50 mg per day—my idea being that, at this level, I wouldn’t dare re-dose or even desire to. I was wrong of course. In short time I was back to the same habit. Three weeks is about the longest I’ve been off the medicine, but I consistently go two weeks a month off of it. I’ve known for a long time that my pill consumption is unsustainable, but I kept putting off quitting. But now is the time. I actually just flushed my new prescription down the toilet. What a feeling! So to even get a refill I would have to call my doctor and lie about losing it. I won’t sink to that level. This next decade, 31-40, is crucial for me. I have to put this behind me. I have to be there for my family instead of chasing perfection at the expense of my mental and physical health. I’ve done enough off the meds to know I can survive, even though it will suck at times while I stare at my machine and that blinking cursor in a silent office. But I’ve realized that being an antisocial hermit is not a recipe for success. It’s worth a hit to my work product to be able to communicate and build relationships and see the big picture. I’m amazed at how insightful the content on this website is. It has really cut to the core of my issue and given me the needed confidence to put this behind me for good.
  3. @Lawyer I know the feeling of losing touch with life (kids, family, yourself, higher power) while on these meds and it sucks. I’m currently on my 24th day clean and it’s been exciting, almost like a renewed lease on life. I am unfortunately paying for my 5+ years of usage thru fatigue, short term memory loss, lack of interest in things, and reduced work productivity. On the flip side tho, in the last 24 days I haven’t felt like a zombie, felt my blood pressure shooting thru the roof, felt an overall sense of death, or any other problems the drugs caused me (which was a lot). I laugh and joke like crazy now and my son and I are like two peas in a pod and it’s awesome (wife and I are great too even tho I’ve been a lotta lazy lol). So I’m gonna say quitting has been the best thing in my life so far, even at 24 days in. I pray you can find a way to quit so you can enjoy the things that really matter in life! :-) Your work situation reminds me of myself in different ways, I currently work in the IT field at a small company and I’m heavily relied upon to perform a wide range of duties to keep the company moving forward. I would always find a way to justify my addiction and when I wasn’t on them I felt so great, but the work would pile up so I’d go back on them to catch up and the cycle continued. If it weren’t for the meds I would’ve never stayed around this long at the company cause I dislike the IT field, I know I’m only this deep in it because of how much the adderall/vyvanse made me think loved it. Now, I heavily rely on the high income to support my family. I must say tho that I’m hanging in there and doing the bare minimum and the world keeps on turning like everyone said it would. Just to feel out the situation more, what dosage are you taking and what’s the longest time you’ve been off the meds since you got prescribed them?
  4. Sorry to hear about the white coat syndrome, hopefully she will believe you when you give her the at home readings. Did they do an ekg this past visit? Just hang in there, im wrapping up day 24 and I’ve been feeling crappy these past few days cause of my allergies and probably withdrawals. It was amazing/scary how addie could keep me so productive even when I had the flu and crap. And I hope your feeling better after getting out and shopping.
  5. Yesterday
  6. Hey @Lawyer. Welcome to the forums - you are in the right place. I am a professional in my late 30s with wife/kids and the way you write makes me feel like we are in a somewhat similar situations.. One thing is clear - you are very self aware and have a good grasp on your situation - the fact that you are able to feel joy and laughter and happiness after the acute stage is a GREAT sign... It means you are not too late... Honestly - I would do what you need to do to get on short term disability and then have the option of going on long term if you are still sick. That is in no way immoral and exactly what it's there for - you are going to be too sick to work and need to focus on your health. With 60% of your pay (tax free) hopefully you can keep afloat and even keep the option of returning to the job at some point. Sadly for me, at the end of my use I was so manic that I quit a perfectly good job with dillusional aspirations of self employment. I am 9 plus months clean and just now starting to look and interview for jobs. Feel free to reach out openly on the forum or privately if you want to connect more in depth.
  7. I started taking stimulants in undergrad to cram for finals. It worked well. I did the same in law school, but more frequently, and it also worked then. So when I started practicing law, I obtained a Vyvanse prescription. Five years into the medication, I find myself in a spiral. I am burned out, antisocial, miserable, and stuck in a bad job and, perhaps, a profession that I do not like. I can’t—but certainly should—believe that I’ve gotten to this point. Whenever I run out of my prescription early, the withdrawal sucks, and I’m worthless at work. But I also eventually feel much better (outside of work) and start enjoying life again (again, outside of work). I’m a better person without the medication in every truly meaningful sense. This gives me hope. But during that period the work piles up, and I eagerly refill my prescription when the time comes. I love that first day back on the medication. This vicious cycle continues...month after month after month. I want to quit but am terrified of attempting to work daily without it. It has helped me produce work product that I believe will be unattainable without the medication. This work product is now expected from me. In addition, even basic organizational tasks have now become difficult for me without the medicine. But I have to quit. There are more important things in life. And the side effects will only get worse if I don’t, including depression and anxiety. In communicating with people, I am actually more confident and articulate off the medicine. The returns of the medication are rapidly diminishing. My most immediate obstacle to quitting is that I just don’t see how I can survive the withdrawal phase in my profession. I don’t have time for prolonged lethargy. I wish I could just quit my job and find something that I find more engaging and/or meaningful. I find the practice of law to be boring and tedious but still very demanding. I really don’t like it. There’s a good chance I’m doing what I do because of the medication (the 7 characteristics of Adderall users are eerily on point for me). But since I have a family to support, quitting is easier said than done. If I only had to support myself, I would take almost any job, rebuild myself, and then pursue something I actually want to do. Are there any other lawyers who have had similar struggles? I don’t see how anyone does this job without stimulants. Ultimately, aside from my lack of self control and discipline, I believe a combination of perfectionism and utter boredom has led me to the pathetic state I am currently in. I usually sit in front of a computer screen for 10 hours a day composing legal documents. It feels like a 21st century purgatory. Why did I choose this? If only I was capable of self-reflection when I was 20-21.... Right now I have a prescription to be filled at the beginning of next month. I want to throw it away. But I keep justifying not doing so by telling myself I have a major brief due soon, which I do not believe I can accomplish unmedicated and certainly not during an acute withdrawal phase. I know these excuses will just continue each month. I’m almost willing to just toss it and deal with any negative consequences. If I crumble and have to rebuild, so be it. I’m not meant to live like this. I can’t even connect with God on this crap. It feels like a battle for my soul at this point. But this feeling will subside when I am off the meds, and I will refill. Anyone have any advice? I want to escape my isolation, regain normal thought patterns, sleep naturally, laugh and smile with ease, discover and attain my natural life goals, stop gritting my teeth to the point where I can’t eat a chip. I want to have meaningful friendships. I want to interact with my wife and children without feeling like a zombie. The list goes on and on... My good days when I am off the meds and past the most acute withdrawal phase give me hope. But I don’t fully trust myself.
  8. What motivates you to stay clean?

    I thank you yer reply. I know thats what I should do and im tryin but I want to get in my head and tell them the I see it of - ;-)
  9. Sitting in the waiting room

    itd be nice to join that party all the time But till it really begins, you can always come here for "a good time in the Spirit." - ;-)
  10. Day 274 - I am going to force myself out of the house today to engage in some retail therapy. It’s been years since I have bought work clothes in person. I’m still waiting on blood results...
  11. Last week
  12. Feeling very frustrated after this morning’s doctor appointment. I have white coat syndrome, which means my blood pressure instantly skyrockets anytime I am in a doctor’s office setting. I told my doctor this. My blood pressure was 150/100 at the start and end of the visit. My pulse was 83. When I saw her 9 months ago for my EKG, my BP was 155/123 with a pulse of 112. (I had popped a Vyvanse that morning.) Improvement regardless of white coat syndrome, right? She wanted to put me on blood pressure medication for the rest of my life starting today. This instantly crushed me and I walked out to my car crying. BP meds are serious. If you stop taking them, you’re at risk for a stroke. Super. I took BP readings the rest of the day, and it slowly came down. My reading is 104/61 just now. I have to go for a bunch of bloodwork tomorrow and send her my BP readings that she probably doesn’t believe at the end of the week. Just not feeling the best right now. To go 9 months without this drug and have no current relief is depressing. To go through this roller coaster of energy from just alright to not being able to get out of bed is exhausting. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like I’m drowning and everything is piling up around me. My husband asked me when dinner would be ready just now and I nearly lost it. I don’t have the energy for any of this. Sadly, I have fallen back into a dark ring, where the only thing bringing me joy right now is food. This is a bad place to be.
  13. 40 Days Clean... and I have questions.

    First off congrats on 40 days clean and congrats on becoming a father!!! It's a great experience and is truly life changing. I'm 31 years old too with a wife and a 1st grader now, and I'm the only person at my company that does the job I do and I'm HEAVILY depended on which can be good and bad at times in recovery. I started taking adderall and vyvanse at 25 and within a few months was abusing them. I've also abused tramadol for the last 2.5 years on top of the adderall so that made things a little tougher cutting BOTH of them out. I'm sorry to hear the struggle your going thru. I feel like I've seen other members on here over the years that shared the 10+ years of (non-abusing)use like you and may be more qualified to answer your actual questions than me, I'm only on day 22 of recovery myself so it would probably mean more coming from a senior member .lol. I really hope that some are able to chime in to answer those questions for ya. From my own experience, once you get to that point where the pills negative effects outweigh the positive then its pretty much not a viable option anymore. It only seems to get worse from then on out when taking them. I wasted so many precious moments with my son by not fully being there as a dad he needed cause my blood pressure was crazy high and I was like a weird zombie. I also learned that parenting only gets more difficult the older they get so obviously just stay the course with recovery from adderall and bite the bullet now. Know that you got someone cheering for you on this site as well!! Good luck!!
  14. New York City, let's meet up

    @Sleepyandsober You would be surprised how many Adderall addicts you will find in AA. I go to AA regularly, but unfortunately... most of them have other addictions such as cocaine/heroin abuse. Cocaine seems to be the closest thing to Adderall as far as comparison... so it should be easier to relate with them. Personally, Adderall helped me counteract the hangover and depressant effect of alcohol... though thats not the primary reason I took Adderall. I'm sure many people in AA can relate. I cant speak for NA since I havent been there in forever :P.
  15. @BK99Thank you for your posts. I just wanted to say that I have been following you for some time now and you have really inspired me to keep up my sobriety. I am 41 days clean today and I just want to say that I am right there with you. The blood pressure was one of the reasons I have quit. Diet has really helped me with my hypertension... though it can be incredibly hard to do since food is my go-to right now to feel better :P. Note: Work actually is helping me through this a LOT, though its hard to admit it. If I wasnt working, I would be sitting on the couch, in my own head all the time, which is what I do on weekends when I am not at work. Work forces me to get out and socialize, and put my focus on something other than myself and my own problems. Its not much, but its something... and thats a hell of a lot better than nothing. I hope that helps you when you think about going back to work.
  16. Hey everyone. I will try to make my story as short as I can. I am 31 years old and have been taking stimulant (and non-stimulant) medications for most of my life. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was in 5th grade, and I have been battling lack of focus/anxiety/depression ever since. After trials with non-stimulants failed, I began taking stimulants when I was 18. It improved my life drastically. All of a sudden, I became motivated to do small things that I had little to no motivation to do at all before. I finally felt like I could function like everyone else. I didn't have many hobbies before I started taking meds, but all of a sudden I became inspired to do many things, and finally take on responsibilities like an adult. Unfortunately, I began to abuse alcohol in my early 20s and made some bad decisions in doing so. I drank heavily, but I didn't take any drugs other than my prescribed Adderall and an anti-depressant, and never abused them. I got sober at 25 years old, went to rehab and they took me off all my meds of course. At that point I was on Adderall XR 25mg + 10mg IR. I had never abused the drug, as it was doing what it needed to. I WAS highly dependent on it though. After 4 or so months sober, I began to complain to my rehab doctor about my focus. I was depressed all the time, and I wasnt being very productive at work. I went through the entire ADD medication cycle again (Strattera, Intuniv, Wellbutrin) - nothing really working, until finally my doctor asked me "Did Adderall work for you? Did you ever abuse it? Do you think you can safely use it again?" - Uhh YEAH!!! So I began taking it again. It worked pretty much immediately. I went the next 5 years taking it, from a small dose, gradually increasing back to the dosage I was taking before I got sober - plus an additional 10mg IR in the late afternoon if the meds were wearing off too soon before work finished. Again, never abusing but very much dependent. About less than a year ago everything changed. I began to get depressed and incredibly anxious. I began getting panic attacks and my blood pressure was skyrocketing (up to 170/120) during early "peak" times and fading throughout the day. Additionally, I found out that I was expecting a child and I found out my Dad is starting to abuse alcohol - but I am talking about these things in my AA meetings and I have a supportive wife that is also in recovery and sober 3 years. I joined a church group and I felt like I was in a good place. Still, the panic attacks were debilitating and now that I am expecting a child, I couldnt keep going with my blood pressure in that range and only live to my 40s. So my doctor switched me to Vyvanse, and that worked but my blood pressure was still high. Finally, I made the decision to quit taking stimulants. It's been a nightmare to say the least. On the bright side however, my blood pressure is now in a normal range! That is literally the only thought that gives me relief nowadays. My days are now long, and I am beginning to remember what life was like before Adderall. I am incredibly unmotivated to do anything I once loved, and spend most days just staring at my computer, tv, a wall (literally!) or looking at my phone. I cant focus on much of anything for more than 10 minutes, and I am gaining weight more than I have in a while. When I first quit adderall, I ate because I was hungry all the time. NOW, I am looking to eat just because thats all that really brings pleasure to me, even if I am not hungry. I am battling the eating problem while also not being able to sleep at night without taking a Benadryl. Also, contrary to others' posts on here, I have no desire whatsoever to exercise, go on hikes or even walk the dog. I still go on walks, not because I enjoy it, but because I know if I just sit all day I am not helping my weight problem. I'll spare you all the rest of the sad details of my current lifestyle, because I know that I am clinically depressed. I am on 50mg of Zoloft and have been for the last 4 years. But I am between doctors right now and my next appointment is on the 3rd of September and I know I need a change in my anti-depressants. Note that I have had zero cravings for Adderall since I quit, I guess due to the fear of having panic attacks again. Seriously, those were some terrible experiences. Anyway, I am expecting my first child the end of September and I am scared to death that I am going to feel this way through what ought to be the highlight of my life. I dont want to miss out on the joy of being a father, and I dont want to have to force myself to take care of a baby when I know that, on Adderall, I would give her the world. My wife is just as anxious as I am about the whole situation because she knows that if I was on Adderall, I would have had the nursery finished. Now its just a chore to do anything, much less the small task of hanging up drapes or building shelves. About work - I am a Web Developer and I am the sole coder of my workplace. I have a lot on my plate. I am trying to get some jobs finished before I take paternity leave and even though I am getting them finished, I am literally doing the bare minimum to get them done. I used to LOVE to code. I would wake up excited about it and fall asleep dreaming about it. Now, I despise the thought of it. Its incredibly difficult now to force myself into the job because it takes tremendous focus to do it. I am scared to DEATH that I have permanently lost interest in my job. I dont have any college education, but I have a few certifications to back up my coding career. I am NOT at the point in my life where I can quit my job and find another career. We are tight on cash as it is and my wife is working full time at 36 weeks pregnant to help with the bills. Finally, my questions are: Did anyone else feel they lost interest in their job after quitting adderall, then over time grew to love it again? If so, how long did it take? How did you manage the lack of focus after quitting Adderall? Are you on a non-stimulant now? I am currently munching on sunflower seeds all day to help stimulate myself during work. Are there any other healthy, non-fattining alternatives out there to munch on to help stimulate you? Thank you to all who help keep this website running as well as the sober people that come and help those of us trying to make it one day at a time... you are lifesavers!
  17. Day 272 - Leaving for the doc soon. Nervous, but excited more than anything to see what my blood pressure will be. I think the last time I was there, it was something like 185/120..which is a hypertensive crisis, and just plain alarming. @ericThank you (and your wife) for the well wishes! It’s nice to have that kind of support. I will check in later, folks!
  18. Hope everything works out at the doctors office tomorrow! I really really do! I’m at the end of day 21 and it was a very tough day but I genuinely wish you wellness. After reading your posts for the past 8 months I feel like my wife and I have gotten to know you, as silly as that may sound, and would love to see a post about your health being all clear. If something is still irregular then we pray that the problem can be still be undone eventually. Seriously tho, people reading this are pulling for ya. Just know that my wife and I are sending you positive vibes! Good luck and be strong, and whatever the outcome is you should be proud of hitting 9 months!!! Good luck!!!
  19. New York City, let's meet up

    Hey gang, I’m having a really hard time with meetings. Can’t seem to find my place in AA/NA/MA/CMA etc. What is your experience with finding meetings that are helpful to you?
  20. Panic Attacks

    Very, very well said - thank you @Jacob! Out of curiosity, what types of exercise did you find helpful for your symptoms? I feel like my body is so worn down that HIIT exercises/workout classes don't give me the kind of boost that it gives people at baseline. Were there any supplements you found especially helpful as you were pushing through withdrawal?
  21. Day 271, Part II - I’m a bit nervous right now. I am seeing my pcp tomorrow morning. I am going to be 100% honest with her about what’s been going on. I’ve been extremely weak/fatigued the last couple of months. I’m nearing a year clean off of amphetamines. This is the same doctor who did an EKG on me during the last month of my amphetamine use. I guess I’m just terrified that I’ve done long term damage to my heart from all the years I spent on this drug. I guess I could just use some positive thoughts and well wishes right now. I’m terrified.
  22. I understand what you are speaking of . . . the social fashion show is so unsettling for me. Some days I find myself a little withdrawn and looking in at everyone and wondering how God might see everything that is going on. It can bring tears to my eyes just to think about it. I must make every effort not to conform but continue to be transformed and live my life differently than the status quo. grace and peace, minister72
  23. Want to help someone

    @BK99 I'm huge fan of your story. In good meaning of this word. I'm sorry for my english. Well, because of your struggle I understand her more and more, and I know she can leave those two substances. She also smoking, I'm not. I asked her many times to quit because I've got cough because of that, I used to smoke so I know what kind of cough it is. She never even tried to quit, because like she said whenever she gonna quit A, she dont need to smoke. She likes ciggarets only on A. So I asked her if you want to change, a little change please quit smoking. I buy her a book, but those recovery books is like bad joke for her. She still throwing into my face I criticize her for everything, she used my words but in different meaning, yesterday she said I call her stupid and retarded which is not true I used those words but first was your excuse is stupid and other one why you parents treat like retarded person, which is out of context right now. She took two Xanaxs and go to sleep with I dunno why we keep fighting, you're too much, you always criticize me. Last friday we go to sign wedding photographer, and she dont want to go because I ask her to not taking Aderall so she said she dont go anywhere and after that literally I give her a pill to her hand.... couple nights ago she asked for x, she dont fell what I fell when she asking me for favors like that....
  24. Day 271 - Well, I hit the 9 month mark - a full-term freakin’ baby, yo. I feel like shit today. I’ve been sleeping like crap the last few days, and slept in until about noon today. I had an interview for a job on Friday that I’d really like. They haven’t called me back yet. Meh...
  25. Want to help someone

    I agree with most of the advice here. Talking about quitting and doing it are completely different things. I wanted to quit drinking and Adderall years before I finally got fed up with myself. You can want her to stop until your blue in the face, but she won’t quit until she wants it for herself. I wouldn’t marry her when she’s deep in the throes of addiction. I would openly communicate with her about this every damn day, though. Have you asked her where she sees herself in 10 years? My husband would always ask me that question and I’d cringe. I didn’t want to be a woman in her mid 40s still being a slave to Adderall. I’m humbled you asked for my opinion. Please update us on your situation as much as you can!
  26. I’ve been on adderall more than half my life....

    WOW What an OUTSTANDING witness of a life spent in persuit of God and of God pouring out His blessings. I could only WISH that my life had been so well directed.
  27. Dont know if you did anything to it but it is fixed. I can make a couple other variations of it just so that people can pick to suit their style and post on my profiles and in bulletins along with the code for others to post.
  28. What motivates you to stay clean?

    I do believe that everything is connected and that we all come from the same source. However, I am not sure if we are all one, anyway, what does oneness mean to you? Thanks
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