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  5. Have you been able to relearn how to work without use of this drug? Did you have Depression? Lack of motivation? anxiety? insomnia? I have all these and wonder if it will get better. I've been adderall free since january 19 2024. today is march 15 2024. Thanks,
  6. Hi anyone here. It is March 15 2024 now, I quit January 19th. I have all those symptoms you described above. The weirdest thing is that I expected to be sleeping like a baby and tired and lethargic but i have non stop anxiety and can't sit still and cannot sleep without sleep aids, in my case, clonopan and gabapentin. So now I am going to have to go through literal hell to get off those demonic drugs. I would say I am mostly dysfunctional. I wasn't very functional before which is why I finally decided to quit for good. Adderall made me feel hopeful that I could be ok but I never actually read more, never did well at my social work job (documenting for hours and retyping sentences well into the night). Maybe this gets better later maybe not but I need some help, mostly getting shit done. Did NA have ideas for this? Thanks
  7. Tell me not to pick up my prescription tomorrow even though I'm eagerly waiting for it to be refilled
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  9. HAHAHA! It's March! How is it March 11, 2024? It was just recently October of 2022 when I was sitting in a coffee shop and writing a dumb little "dialogue" with some kind of personified Satan telling me to take 40mg instead of the prescribed 20mg. Just once. Just to get over a rough period of time with a high workload. I have very odd memories from the last 16 or so months. Maybe up to 20 months. Is it just me or do I get the impression that fewer people are sharing information about Adderall addiction in 2024 than, say, 2010.? I was just a little kid back then but--sifting through forums like this one--it seems like that epoch [early to late 2000s] experienced a sort of Renaissance of people who'd discover this "hidden under-current" of hyper-productivity and create social atmospheres that reinforced it and then eventually crash and try to find some kind of redemption. Is that 85% gone or am I just not looking hard enough for support networks? I have to say: this is a damn lonely endeavor... quitting Adderall. I may be able to talk virtually on forums like this but when I try to explain this experience to my coworkers they often look at me like I'm doing something righteous with my abuse of this drug. And that's how I rationalize it to myself. And the Western Judeo-Christian thought process... when it exists inside a religious person that I try to talk to... doesn't really know how to respond to my venting. They're much more used to people talking about sexual immorality or alcoholism or even speed but not this nice comfy and motivating gem of Adderall... which can flow through your system without many noticeable effects on the outside, while making you a skillful, righteous, creative, driven laborer on the inside. Everyone loves you! You yourself become creative and interesting and you can weave a nice narrative about yourself in your own mind out of memory of your meaningful work. Fortunately this time when I relapsed--after 16 days sober--the highest dose I was on was 30mg. This is unbelievable progress for me. I didn't even pull a single all-nighter in these 7-days of active use. Can you guys help? Where do I go from here? I developed a certain kind of addiction to my own breathing (specifically hyperventilation) and somehow--even when I'm not on Adderall--I often am compulsively aware of my own breathing while trying to sit down and do mental labor. I exercise a lot, which helps, but clearly it doesn't eliminate the mental temptation patterns. I am morbidly terrified of seeking professional help or "confessing" my "sin". Is that even a sensible way to think about this problem... as a sin? Isn't it more like a sickness? But a sickness of what? It can't be a psychological sickness alone because after 5-days of withdrawal I'm fine! I can come across as funny, interesting, even productive to other people without a single milligram of Adderall in my system. I don't even necessarily experience any sort of moment-to-moment "depression". Is it really just a metaphor to call this a "sickness of the spirit"? I am disgusted by the cynicism, hedonism, nihilism of the world... by how awfully young people like me conduct their lives. It seems as if my emotional or affective system is super-glued or perhaps fused to whatever part of my head makes rational judgments and so... every time I experience something like boredom, I rationalize the boredom into the conclusion that "Life and responsibility have left me. I have no real, meaningful, tangible responsibilities. What am I doing here? Why don't I just stay in this blithe coma and keep stumbling blindly through life.?" And then even when I'm on Adderall... when I experience those secondary effects of increased anxiety and such... I am repenting and hyper-rationalizing the stupidity of my decision while "enjoying" and utilizing the effect of the drug! I am presenting my body and limbs and face to the external world as one kind of character... and intrapsychically I am killing hundreds of ideas per minute as new ones are being born against my will. "When will I finish the homework? After I finish my shift. What am I doing in this shift? Feeding the middle class. Why am I feeding the middle class if there are dozens of health crises plaguing people because they don't get enough physical exercise. Why can't I just do 10 push-ups right now to give myself a bit of subtle endorphins to clarify my thoughts and set myself straight? Because I'm being morally righteous here washing these dishes. What's so righteous about washing these dishes here? Well, for one, it develops a certain kind of humility? Humility?! After this I'm going home to a cushioned middle class home in the most prosperous country in the world and I get to get 8 or 9 full hours of sleep! Wow, what an idiot! No, back to the task at hand!!" Multiply that by several hours each day for months on end... whether I'm on Adderall or not.! When I'm trying to do homework, on the other hand, I often read a paragraph of text and then close my eyes and visually imagine the representation of the abstract concept while imagining in my mind's eye... writing a paragraph response in my own words while deep-breathing. Then I'd open my eyes and jot something down for 17 seconds and read the next page. And I lost all touch with what it really means to study something. What is studying? To my subconscious it's a time of rabid indulgence in the value of ideas from the external world. The Western world does a rather poor job artistically representing pathologies like this. We have all the operational definitions and DSM diagnostic criteria and science-oriented mental health media in the world... and yet it's all aimed at some future that's... well, it's just the re-establishment of a "stable carnival of efficient human motion". Freeways. Red lights. Green lights. Buildings with doors and heating systems and plumbing systems. Brooms to sweep the floors. Courts to judge the sinners. All institutions.. all forms of human action... every twitch of the muscle... is operationally defined, sequenced in a socially-agreed context, and played out in a manner that's mildly pleasurable at all times. PEOPLE, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? HEAR ME, PLEASE! There's something odd about human nature where--when someone is crying for help in a way that's hyper-intelligent and maybe a bit excessive--the initial tendency is to turn your head and quickly look away. I've lost the only friend group I've had in my entire life 4 years ago because I was talking for MONTHS about how meaningless I felt life was. This was before I ever started really abusing Adderall. But see, what's my point? My point is I'm HERE! I'm AWAKE! I'm CIVILIZED! I expend herculean energy to be sane in the face of society and it's become a skill. I'm not some bum who poses an immediate threat to your safety. I'm just asking for a bit of social support. A reminder that maybe my thoughts--absurd and disgruntled as they are--were brought into being as part of this "spiritual war" I'm fighting. I can't be the only one fighting this, right?
  10. Everything you are experiencing will pass. I wouldn’t trust any of your emotions for a while if I were you. They will be all over the place. You are through the toughest parts already. You are in competition with who you were yesterday. Just focus on beating that person everyday. You will still probably have a really bad day pop up here and there. It’s normal. Just do what you have to get by when you do and know that they will come less often the longer you get on your journey. Don’t let the bad days discourage in thinking you are going backwards. You aren’t. It is a part of healing. Just pop on Netflix when it happens and try to find something enjoyable to do. I would suggest you embrace ChatGPT while you are trying to recover. Put everything you write in there and have it critique you or make it more coherent. Have it check your work. Ask it for advice. Make it organize your tasks. Lean on it as a crutch for work and be thankful you decided to quit at a time when it is available. As for the rest just keep pushing through. You will see some big improvements soon. I’m at 26 months on my journey. best of luck
  11. An update-- today I am at 102 days. It's been a roller coaster. I am losing the weight (currently 24 lbs away from the weight I was when I stopped) and anticipate getting back to my starting weight in two months if things continue to go well. Right now I am looking for simple work and my largest struggles are brain fog (though this is improving), horrible anxiety, insomnia, being highly socially awkward to the point where I mess up a lot in conversation and say things that feel like they don't really fit at times, and low energy/fatigue. At times, I have been getting very frustrated because I want to be doing so much more than is possible right now at this stage of recovery. I want to be out of my parents house, working an adult job with my degree, out meeting people and dating and living a normal life and going out with friends and not living like this. I feel so behind everyone my own age right now and fat and dumb and socially awkward. It sucks but I knew this was coming when I stopped. I know it will be worth it in the end and I don't have another choice if I want to have a real future. I really regret having allowed myself to gain so much weight during the first couple months but I am trying to remember I won't be like this for much longer if I keep up my diet and exercise regimen. Cravings are strong but they pass. The weight gain does trigger some cravings especially as I come out of the fog more and more and look down at a totally different body than the one I used to inhabit. I also get really worried and panic at times that I screwed up my life irreparably, especially during the later stages (last two years) of my use where I started to abuse Adderall to get shit done and be up for days at a time (in the last year of my use). A lot of what seemed sane to me on the pill, especially in the later stages, was totally insane and I burned a lot of bridges. These memories of the horror of my life on the pill and the terrible mistakes I made continue to keep me sober. Also, I can say with confidence that I would not be sober from this pill today or even alive probably without these forums and I am eternally grateful they exist. No one in my life really understands what I am going through. I would have given up on ever having a life off of this drug if I did not know that my current cognitive deficits and symptoms were a normal part of PAWs and recovery from this drug. My writing skills are still not what they used to be on the Adderall but I hope someone benefits from me sharing my experience. While I am still very early in my recovery, I can say for sure that things are getting better. Slowly, but surely. You get to a point where you feel amazing sometimes and it all feels so worth it and so right. Right now I am not having one of those days/moments but they are powerful enough to keep me going during these dark hours and days. I hope this made sense and I am sorry if it did not. I have horrible brain fog writing this but wanted to put it out there.
  12. Hi QA Community, I decided to make a chart this morning to keep a logical frame of mind regarding stimulant abuse and keep the negative consequences UP FRONT AND CENTER so that I do not start thinking positively about the substance again and stay on the right track. I would love to continue this list of pros and cons if anyone else wants to add to the list with me.
  13. You are on a pretty low dose but honestly it’s just a mental game. Your brain tells you that you need it but you will surprise yourself with what you can actually accomplish without it. Motivation follows action you just got to force yourself to do what you need to do and it eventually gets easier. That’s my experience any way.
  14. Hello been off adderall many many years.. been quite a journey!

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  15. I’m so impressed with you moms who are doing it/off of it and doing well. So refreshing to read! I still can’t get past what to do in the morning to turn my brain on without my 2.5mgs. I know it’s low but still can’t seem to get going without it and then continue to pop a 2-4 more 2.5mgs throughout the day. Coffee makes me so irritable. Will I get used to it or are there other suggestions of morning routines and or brain activators for us moms of young kiddos? I have 4 under 7 and feel like I’m drowning! Hence why I’m scared to face the exhaustion but so badly want to be done with this.
  16. Beyond impressed!!! You should be so proud!!!
  17. Sending prayers your way! I love that you mentioned it doesn't throw away all of your growth. Think of the slip like a flat tire. You are back on the highway now and right back on track. Keep going!
  18. Day 1 over, fatigue hasn't reached me yet but the tears have been flooding all day, had stressful news today which didn't help but maybe I'm being tested. I relapsed on this prescription after 10months but have been clean from alcohol almost 3 years and haven't touched opiates in probably 8-9years. This doesn't throw away all of my growth but it does show thst I need to have a stronger foundation. Prayers plz
  19. Updated Vision Board - I Have a Dream
  20. You CAN DO THIS! Don't give up!!! 8 months is amazing! Just get back on the horse and keep going!
  21. Well I'll be back starting tomorrow made it almost 8 months. It's crazy to me how it fucks with my confidence, self esteem, my everything. I lose all strength and wallow in shame. Ppl don't understand wat it does to some ppl, it rips all my hard work out from under me and crushes my mind with negative thoughts and suspicious feelings, things that aren't me. My eyes dried out, mouth clenched, chest heavy, dint want to eat or drink, socially isolated, obsessing over things thatd usually never bother me. I can do this
  22. Congrats!! So happy to hear this! 9 days is a game changer! Just don't give up! I have to share my exciting news. I just got back from Arizona this afternoon. I won 1st place Female Masters Division at the Saguaro Half Marathon. This was the hardest half marathon I've ever done as it was 7 miles on the road (uphill in the mountains) and then 6 miles in the Saguaro Desert. It was insane! I wiped out 3 times on the rocks and managed to roll right out of it back on my feet. This took place 1 day after my 1 year anniversary of quitting Concerta. It was the best reward for staying clean I could've ever dreamed of. Good things happen when you're clean & "sober"... at least for me they do! Hope this brings you fuel for today to keep going. Cheers!
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