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  3. 2 Years!

    " Minor stressors destroy me and create panic and depression " I totally relate to this! It does get better however even to this day my wife mentions how easily triggered I get at times... Congrats on 10mo, You will feel a lot better in the months to come. Avoid taking meds to solve the problem, eat healthy and try to exercise. You can find some relief in some vitamins mentioned in this forum however very subtle at best...
  4. 2 Years!

    Congratulations on 10 months! You are still healing so be gentle with yourself. I am so familiar with that feeling of panic. Just like everything else, it will subside as you get more energy and more confident in your abilities without the aid of adderall. You’ve made it this far and that takes a LOT of inner strength. You can totally do this!
  5. I tried......

    I feel your pain so hard. The first year is a bitch. Set expectations low and be gentle on yourself. Spent a whole Saturday in bed? So what! You didn’t take adderall and that’s what you have to focus on. Gained some weight? That’s ok! Your body and mind are healing and a little (most likely temporary) weight gain is a small price to pay for a clean existence. Keep in mind while you are going through the withdrawal, that is not the real you. The real you is buried inside and everyday you get further away from adderall, the real you gets closer to the surface. I gained a ton of weight, slept SO DAMN MUCH, and like you, felt angry and grumpy and just generally pissed. But slowly it got better. I got control of my life little by little. It’s so worth it. Those years hooked on adderall I was living under this dark cloud. Even when i was struggling through withdrawal, I was happy that I was finally free of that crutch. You just have to do it. Every day make a promise to yourself to get through it without Adderall. AND definitely get that shit out of your house and cut off the supply. You can do this!!
  6. I tried......

    ^^^this. "can't see the forest through the trees." there's a reason that's such a popular saying! i think the main thing we all did was believing that we could get better. that is honestly the only thing you need to weather the storm that is time. once you truly believe that you can recover with enough time, there are certainly some strategies and general best practices (eating well, exercise, etc) but there is no magic bullet. even switching over to other medication like Wellbutrin will only soften the edges slightly.
  7. Last week
  8. @Clavicula you have had quite a journey. I can’t even begin to imagine how tough it has been on you. Keep writing. Being sober is the only way to even begin to help yourself navigate schizophrenia. (Easier said than done I know). Especially, when all you want is to escape. Long term use of adderall and stimulants (meth) can induce schizophrenic like behaviors. I’m sure you are well aware. Which to me would be hopeful in your case. Because maybe it’s the drugs pushing you into schizophrenic behavior w/ a mis diagnosis from a physician during a drug infuced psychosis? This happened with someone I use to know. I obviously don’t know your situation. Once they got sober (it took a couple yrs) their symptoms faded into the background and they could manage. Because doctors are not educated on anything outside of the DSM they miss so much and we trust them more than we should. Psychologically once we receive a diagnosis that is ingrained in our unconscious mind, I’d love to read your poetry book. Have you published them or have a link to purchase? I remember in the beginning of my recovery I read your post on how you were able to write and publish your poetry books clean. That gave me so much hope that day. Thinking of you and you are not alone on here!
  9. 2 Years!

    Hang in there. I went through a really rough time around 10 months. It will get easier and you will start to see better days. Now at 13 months I can honestly say my hell first yr clean was worth it. I know I have so far to go, but finally have hope. @Ready2Change
  10. I tried......

    You have to know this can't last forever or you wouldn't be reaching out for help. It will get easier, but the fairytale "30- 90 day" recovery that websites and therapisst tell us-- IS FALSE! It's 1 yr to 3 years. You have two options quit or just get further into Adderall addiction. It will not get better. It just gets worse the longer you take Adderall. I was on for a total of 12 yrs. I feel your pain. Quit many times before I finally had to say enough. Push through every single day. Almost at 13 months clean now @four months I couldn't even see this far ahead. I'm finally seeing the light. You are stronger than you think!
  11. I tried......

    Bullshit!. What's your stay on Adderall the rest of your life??
  12. I tried......

    I was on Adderall for 10 years but a professional therapist directed me here and I thought it was the answer to all of my problems. The thing is that things got worse. I figured they would since I was on it for so long. I gained weight but I also became more angry. Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was less focused or the weight gain or both. Anyway, that was in October of 2016. I made 4 months and realized after spending an entire Saturday in bed and needing to get up to take my daughter somewhere that I was in no condition to be human that day (by the way, every day became harder and worse). I always had the Adderall in the house because I knew I wouldn't take it but I had no choice that Sunday morning....I took it and had a great day and have been unable to stop since. I told love ones of my plan but I just made their lives miserable. I just wish I never started them to begin with. I know I do not have the strength to endure another 4 months of hell like that again. I guess I am wondering what you all did to kick it?
  13. 2 Years!

    I know this post is old but I just wanted to say Thank You!!! I’m really suffering at 10 months and I am surfing the posts today and looking for hope. This year has been so damn hard and most days I feel like I’m losing my mind and my ability to function at a level that is necessary to be a productive adult in this world. My business is falling apart and my pessimism is rapidly increasing. I have little to no drive and my anxiety is crippling. FEAR, confusion and doubt have made this process miserable. Everything requires effort and nothing provides pleasure, satisfaction or enjoyment. It’s maximum effort just to get through the day. Minor stressors destroy me and create panic and depression. I used Adderall for 15 years and this is the outcome. Your post gives me hope and I’m great full to you and others who continue sharing your experiences and stories.
  14. I can't believe it's me...

    @quit-once Thank you for your condolences and the same to you from me. I can obviously empathize with you and can’t imagine the loss of a child if this is what losing a fur child is like. Utter darkness, for sure. Thank you also for the advice, it’s time I get my phat ass to the gym. Make it my new addiction. New attitude, no adderall.
  15. I can't believe it's me...

    I just read about you losing your dog. I'm really sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is the hardest kind of loss to take. My 11 year old German Shepherd died last November and I have had bouts of depression come and go all winter long. I've started looking at puppies on the web and it won't be long until I have a new pet. @sleepystupid is right about the exercise. I have a home workout program that I do at least twice per week for about an hour each time. It helps keep my mood stable. You don't need Adderall in your life anymore. Just fight the good fight and before you know it, it will be spring and things will start looking up.
  16. I can't believe it's me...

    @sleepystupid Thank you. Thank you for always being around to comment/advise/reply. It’s crazy how much difference a small response makes in this world of addiction. I appreciate you. 18 days and counting!
  17. I can't believe it's me...

    @NurseAddy so sorry to hear about your dog no one needs to tell you this (because you already know), but you can't let the addict in you use these things to rationalize using again. taking Adderall again won't bring your dog back, nor will it make counselors reach back out to you. Adderall literally solves none of these problems! in fact, it will eventually just add to them. FWIW, i've always had a really hard time with the exercising part of recovery, but i do remember quite vividly a day that seemed absolutely unbearable. i somehow forced myself on a bike for a half hour and it was like magic - POOF - despair erased for at least the rest of the day! you've got a few days until the refill, you at least owe it to yourself to try everything before caving. *PS. don't cave though (:
  18. Earlier
  19. Hi community. I have always been a pretty motivated guy but after smoking (which I loved) for years I found myself slowly becoming In a rut. I would want to finish whatever I had to do that day just so I could go home and smoke. I was only truly not high at work only. Other then that I would be high all day and would turn my lifestyle to support my habit. I still did great at work and no one truly new what was going inside my head and how much smoking was truly effecting me. I found myself always needed the stuff and would also be looking anywhere for it just to get high. I also would feel guilty of doing this and spending the money but it was ok because I could just smoke myself into a state of whatever. I found myself pushing friends away and spending all my free time just getting high instead of putting the time into my social life / career Now for the good part. After stopping for a month I have become superman. All that time and effort I had to do to keep myself high now goes into my personal life and career. I no longer want to rush home just to get high and I have my hunger back also not only for food but for life. My brain is becoming sharp again and my Motivation is back 150%. At work I am getting another promotion and people are amazed At my level of work (which is normal I feel) I will always love smoking but I am done with it. It was a big black hole, a time sink, an excuse to not go out and tackle the world. Sure in small moderation maybe nobody will ever go through this but after reading these posts and feeling the exact same way I know it is an issue. Also hearing my friends say “man I wish I could quit”. I know it’s not just me. Good luck out there everyone and I hope this wall of text helps someone gain happiness again if they lost it. Quit Marijuana Now here
  20. That’s a crazy story. Prayers to you! Sounds like you have got yourself started on the right path. It’s a tough road to stay on but well worth it! There are many here to support you in your recovery so just keep at it and post when you need help. Best of luck!
  21. So I was trying to quit last year, around this same time, and was active on this forums. But because of a lot of life shit, I slipped deeper into addiction. Brief updates: best friend of eleven years and I fell madly in love, but he basically decided: "yeah, I like kissing you and cuddling naked, yeah I jack it to gay porn, but I just gotta end up with a woman so this was fun sorry bro!" . . . Well he put it a lot more eloquently than that, saying "our love is transcendent and indescribable, and we will certainly grow old together, but even though I will never love a woman like I love you, I just *have* to end up starting a family with a woman. . ." 'Transcendent' is a total cop-out lmao. So then, I left (I live in Tennessee now), started school but because of some beaurocratic complications, couldn't pay my tuition so I . . . wait for it: Started trading my body for methamphetamine. . . As you may know from my previous posts, I have schizophrenia. February 11th marked the anniversary of one full year out of mental institutions, the first full year since I was 13. I felt super proud of myself. But I was up for literally fucking weeks, off my meds, tweaking and losing my damn mind in Starbucks from opening to closing, and also heavily addicted to kratom, an atypical herbal opioid. And I felt like I was dying. My guts felt like they were twisting and burning. I am not sure how much of that was psychosomatic, but I am still feeling some gastrointestinal discomfort, but it's a lot better now. (Oral and sublingual was my route of administration for the meth, and meth has been occasionally known to cause bowel ischemia and assorted other issues due to vasoconstriction from activation of certain receptors in the gut.) So, February 12th, at 5:00 AM, I took an Uber to the ER. Had my t shirt tucked in, and a rosary wrapped around my hand (sorta ex-Catholic, was gonna be a priest), said: "People do really really stupid things; it's inexplicable, but it's all part of the mystery of the human experience, and I have been crushing inhalers and eating the cotton inside for their amphetamine for years, and I've also been on a meth binge for the last two weeks." Honestly had so much fun at the ER lol. It was actually terrifying, but the kindness from the staff made it so much better. Doc did some tests and said: "Your insides are not burning or rotting. You still have a bunch of methamphetamine in your system; you're just tweaking out kid. You feel like you're dying because you haven't slept or eaten in almost a week. . . Congrats on the year out of the hospital." And I strutted out of the ER with a cigarette in my hand, chugged like 3 cups of coffee from the machine in one minute, then told the receptionist: "Meth is SOOO bad for you!" She laughed. But anyway, I got kicked out of my house in Tennessee lol! Also can't come back to San Francisco house. Some background: my dad--who was also addicted to meth--beat me the fuck up every day from ages 11-13. I've had my nose and my jaw broken. Anyway, this past year, I made the mistake of believing he had """changed""" and that our conversations had """healed""" us or whatever. Well, he doesn't do meth anymore, but he is so damn dysfunctional due to his moods. Bipolar disorder. When he is depressed, he is ANGRY and VIOLENT. JUST like when I was a kid. So, when he read my text that I went to the ER, which by the way, he HAS NO IDEA WHY I even WENT to the ER, he lost his shit and screamed long loud "ffuuucckk"s down the block, I STILL hadn't slept, I fumbled with the lock, ran the fuck out, and just like that, I was only a scared little boy. And I realized. . . I have never moved past that. I am quite an immature person, in some ways. I have a breadth of intellectual maturity, but when it comes to tolerating negative (or just neutral) emotional states . . . I am just that scared little boy. Running away. Incessantly. Endlessly trapped in this pattern. This past. This ENORMOUS open and barren wasteland of memories. It haunts. It is infinite, and not in a Divine-like way. I'm currently staying at my neighbor's house. Slept for literally 20 hours. Now, 2 days sober. Haven't spent two days sober in a loooong time. (I also quit the kratom cold turkey.) And I have a job at Starbucks. But I am driving across country in March with my neighbor, back to the Bay, where I will go live in a transitional housing program in Palo Alto that I've been referred to. Withdrawal SUUUCKS. First day sober, I ate TWO WHOLE BOXES OF CHOCOLATE lol. Brain zaps. No drive. Nightmares. Does it still count as sober if I consume ~1.5 grams of caffeine a day? Haha. Anyway, this is. . . necessary. A highly unpleasant and explosive eruption into true maturity and adulthood. It's needed. Maybe I should have gotten sober last fucking year, BUT the lessons the Universe cannot be rushed. Hopelessness interpolates with hope. Despair leads to action. . . or the patience to wait. Hope is something imagined in mutuality. I continue pressing forward. . . Zigzagging toward the light. God is SUCH a femme fatale. (ALSO: my book of poetry is being published LATER THIS MONTH, so you guys should buy & read it!)
  22. Inflammation and digestion relief?

    @Andyd2 I didn't find any supplements that helped my stomach, rather the lack to regularly taking any pills (supplements) seemed to do me some good. Sometimes I go for a month or so at a time without taking anything. I usually feel better and sleep better when I don't take any supplements. And when I do take them, I only take fish oil, vitamins C, D, and B. Come to think of it, once I took a multivitamin with minerals that messed with my stomach. Digestive recovery is like the rest of recovery, with gradual improvement and periodic setbacks. Even now, I will get reflux if I eat or drink the wrong foods too late at night, but only sometimes. During the day, my normal diet agrees with my digestive system almost all the time. Most of the big improvements in my recovery were noted during the first two years.
  23. Inflammation and digestion relief?

    Thank you @quit-once! What supplements did you find that helped your digestion? Do you feel like you’re more tolerant of foods and sugars now? You mention your stomach got better after 2 years then you said 5, did it get steadily better? If you wouldn’t mind sharing, I’m curious about the timeline of your digestive improvement, it’s always nice to have a reference. Sorry for all the questions
  24. I can't believe it's me...

    I’m sorry to keep chiming in on my thread, but I’ve hit a bit of a wall. My refill date is the 20th, I’ve reached out to some counselors by both phone and email but I’ve heard nothing. My 15yo dog had to be mercy euthanized lastnight and I’m struggling to not want to escape the pain the best way I know how. I’ve also tried signing up to go to the gym but never end up going. Do I have to actually go into these offices to get an appt? I told them all I have insurance and money so I’m baffled that I haven’t heard back. I was hoping to see someone before the refill date rolled around and now that I‘ve lost what felt like my child (I have no children) I’m really trying to not cave. Any advice/words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Feeling like a broken soul with a broken heart and the addict is feeding off that flame. ☹️
  25. Inflammation and digestion relief?

    Besides changing my diet, I avoided sleeping on my right side. One bout of severe gastric reflux can do some lasting damage to your esophagus. I also tried to drink plenty of water and not too much beer. I have gradually cut out diet coke and taking supplements as well. My stomach symptoms were bouts of heartburn and gastric reflux after eating processed carbs - especially white bread and tortillas and pasta. After milk, My stomach felt unsettled so I only drink almond milk now. Some foods gave me excessive gas and bloating, foods which I can easily eat now. Actually, I can eat just about whatever I like now, but I don't like things that are overly sweet or starchy. Oh, and I can't (don't like to?) drink alcohol after dinner anymore, either. Honestly, it was about five years after quitting that my stomach returned to "normal" and I was really relieved that it did. I had always thought I had a "cast iron stomach" and could eat or drink just about anything with no ill effects. I do remember that Adderall was fucking with my stomach while I was still using - like I could not tolerate an empty stomach for very long. Normally, I don't eat anything until noon but I couldn't do that while using Adderall. I was worried that Adderall had fucked up my nerves and digestive system...and other organs and systems. Nine years after quitting and things are pretty good. Recovery takes a long time! By the way, if you use this site's search feature with critical key words - like "bloating" - you will find some interesting topics and posts related to health.
  26. Inflammation and digestion relief?

    @quit-once Oh wow that's so interesting! What did you do to help your stomach get better during those 2 years besides diet? What were your symptoms during those first 2 years? Do you feel like your stomach is more resilient now when you do eat something carby/sugary during the day? Thank you - so so grateful for this forum and everyone here!
  27. Inflammation and digestion relief?

    It took about two years after quitting to get my stomach back to normal. I never have gone back to drinking milk or eating sweets before bedtime. I had to almost completely quit eating the high carb foods, especially before bed time. Even now, if I eat or drink wrong late at night I get GERD bad enough to interfere with my sleep and it keeps me from sleeping on my right side. Not sure if that was caused by none years of Adderall or just middle age. I don't take any heartburn tablets like Tums and manage it through diet modifications or nixing the foods that cause problems. Welcome to the forums and congratulations for being Adderall-free for one year!
  28. Insulin Resistance

    My blood sugar is usually high in the morning which isn’t normal. I did the 2hr glucose test etc and passed no problem. Docs can’t tell me why I have high levels in the morning as it’s not like I am eating pure sugar at night or eat late meals. One doc told me my cortisol was a little high in the am which can elevate blood sugar...
  29. Inflammation and digestion relief?

    I had similar issues especially the first year. Some got better by 2yrs and others are still lingering. I went to plenty of docs and in the end they told me to avoid the foods that caused these problems... Hard to say if it’s all Adderall related or just coincidence
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