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  1. Today
  2. To fill or not to fill

    @sweetupbaaby I too have found that telling myself I don't use Adderall (or any other drugs) has helped. For me the difference between I don't and I can't is huge. I don't makes my quitting a positive part of my identity. Telling myself I can't tends to make me irritable because I feel like something I want is being withheld from me. Whenever I am having a really hard day dwelling on a temptation to use, usually I am telling myself I can't use Adderall. The truth is we all can use if we would like. We have the freedom to use, but we also have the freedom to not use. The question is, how are we going to use our freedom? Do we want freedom to use Adderall, or freedom from Adderall? I hope you don't fill the script, you have a few weeks behind you now and that's not worth giving up. Good luck on your continued journey!
  3. To fill or not to fill

    Really, it's the worst. My mind just keeps racing and ruminating the same thought! Fill...don't's driving me crazy. There really is not much I can do about it though. The pharmacist already thinks I am abusing my script so hopefully, she won't even fill it if I ask.
  4. First Day Back to Work

    Congrats DrewK15! yippee!!! Great news...Thanks for posting your update. So great to hear about this milestone. Cant wait to hear more down the road.
  5. I wish for more connection...

    Thank you, this is really helpful!
  6. To fill or not to fill

    I have this struggle regularly
  7. I wish for more connection...

    I love NVC. I live by it.
  8. Zoom Meetup

    Okay this is awesome! We have 6 of us who are interested in doing zoom meetings! Now we just need to brainstorm the best way to set this up. Should we DM phone numbers/emails and then start an email thread where we choose a day and time? We could solidify things there like the structure, etc. If anyone has a better idea than starting an email list, let me know! I'm down, though... I mean... if I really want to beat this thing, I gotta trust a program. In AA or NA, you see people there and we just go on the honor principle that who you see here what you hear here let it stay here. So, I'm down for just trusting that process with a small group of you guys meeting on zoom as well. DM me your number or email and we'll get started!
  9. I wish for more connection...

    I could not relate more. I stopped checking it regularly and I want to get back to that.
  10. I wish for more connection...

    Hi there. I hope you are feeling better. I woke up feeling stuck in the mud, but after a walk on the beach i felt better. I am coming up on a year. I used to go to AA meetings until the Corona virus. I highly recommend hitting a few per week when they open back up NA or AA but I recommend stopping all substances if your going down that path. I stopped it all and its working well. I also learned some amazing stuff from a Dr. Marshal Rosenberg and his work. He says we have all been educated poorly when it comes to figuring out our NEEDS. He says we all have a set of universal needs like companionship, love, community, safety, autonomy, creativity, meaning and purpose. He started the Center for Non Violent Communications which is amazing for conflict resolution with others. I have been practicing it with my family and it works so well. No more fights... "Feelings are the lights on the dashboard letting us know needs are going unmet". Needs are the life force. We need to figure out or discovery what needs are going unmet, and then take actions to meet those needs. I have been doing my best to identify unmet needs when I get into depression or fatigue. I make "action lists" to help cover the basics. Based on Rosenbergs work, I kind of get why AA and other 12 step programs are so effective. So many our human needs are met by going to those meeting and working on those steps. Needs for fellowship, to be heard, empathy, love, support, service. etc I also love the writings of Emmet Fox who was apparantly responsible for all the best principals of the AA program. The founders of the program apparently studied his work. He has a book called. "Power Through Constructive Thinking" which is amazing! I love focusing on Emmet Fox when I am feeling lost. I just bought a new book of his called "Alter your life". I cant wait to read it next. You can also find his work on Youtube. He has other stuff like, "life is consciousness" and "The Golden Key". Its all so good when your in the dumps. I hope he can help others as much as he helps me.
  11. My Brain is Mean

    Yes! This is exactly how I feel too...every single unresolved issue that I’ve pushed away. It is so exhausting.
  12. I wish for more connection...

    Sometimes I feel so desperate because I am someone who checks this forum out more than once a day looking for people who have posted or replied. It is something to anchor onto when you feel absolutely helpless,
  13. I wish for more connection...

    I am struggling too. This past week specifically I have not been coping well. I find it close to impossible to open up to anyone about my feelings, but this forum has been a game-changer for that. I feel like I can speak openly about what I am going through. I hope to be a Veteran of this site one day down the road and offer useful advice for people like me who need it
  14. My Brain is Mean

    Also...I was NOT prepared for all of the shit that happened on Adderall to resurface and to be dealt with in a sober state of mind. I am starting to realize I suppressed A LOT of stuff I didn't want to deal with by popping more pills. Fooling myself thinking I could numb that pain away forever. Haha. What a sad mistake....dealing with all these past issues in my sober, vulnerable state is exhausting!! By the way, I have some pretty crazy intense dreams at night, every night! I wake up so tired from the mental energy consumed by my dreams and nightmares.
  15. My Brain is Mean

    Yes....absolutely. I don't even speak to anyone about the darkness in my head because I don't feel like they could ever understand. Most days is complete despair, Intrusive thoughts, weird and dark thoughts and ideas, sometimes suicidal thoughts (although I don't believe I would act on them, I just can't take the feeling of going crazy) It's almost like OCD but fueled by darkness, it's crazy!! I honestly attribute this to my PTSD and panic and anxiety due to a lot of unresolved trauma in my life, but Adderall withdrawal has no doubt been a factor in my deteriorating condition. I know this is because my brain and nervous system needs to recalibrate and truly I just try to be as patient as possible and to not attach myself to the passing thoughts. Mindfulness meditation is soooo helpful when you do it consistently. Depression can be a factor in recovering from Adderall use. I am not surprised by the condition of my mental state because I abused high amounts of XR at a time. When it gets bad, I go for a walk just in any direction. Or I absolutely push myself to work out, because I always feel better after I do. I make sure to get enough sleep, to eat well, and to drink a lot of water throughout the day. I like to think I am pretty resilient to adversity in my life by now. That doesn't mean it doesn't feel like you're going through hell. I totally understand where you are coming from, Thank God for quarantine to recover. I don't think I could go through this in normal working conditions.
  16. Yesterday
  17. My Brain is Mean

    I’m trying to quit after a particularly bad relapse and binge. Today, my brain chained me to the couch in that weird state of sleep that comes during the “acute phase” of withdrawal. During those hours, my brain drug me through every sad thought and fucked up past rejection and regret it could imagine. My brain gave me ideas to message exes, even suggestions for what to say. Thank God I didn’t follow through on any of this, but now that I’m awake, I feel like I’ve been through war. I checked Facebook in an attempt to fill my thoughts with other people’s problems, only to learn that one of my first patients passed away this morning. All I want to do is sit in my bathtub and cry. Can anyone relate?
  18. I wish for more connection...

    I’m always here to talk. I’ll try to do a better job of checking messages on here.
  19. Almost 11 Months!

    Thank you for posting this. This is new to me. I thought that maybe all of the negative feelings I was having indicated that I had no choice but to stay on stimulants to be an effective adult. Reading this helps me to remember that its going to be difficult and that being kind to myself is vital.
  20. Almost 11 Months!

    Hi everyone, It’s been 10 months and 3 weeks since I took my last pill of adderall. I took somewhere between 60mg and 80mg both IR and XR even though I was prescribed only 30mg XR and 15mg IR a day. I was on it for 5 years. I just wanted to hop on here and thank everyone for their posts and for sharing super valuable information. I am 100% confident that I would’ve not made it this far if it wasn't for this forum. I also wanted to share a few things that have helped me this far and that could help you: 1. Lower your expectations on how you are going to feel and your productivity for the FIRST ENTIRE YEAR. Since my last pill I have had more bad days than good. Months 1 - 3 were hard BUT 4 - 9 were unbearable. The anxiety, the depression, the exhaustion, the anhedonia are incredible. Getting close to 11 months I'm finally starting to feel a little productive and happier (some days :)) 2. Put your recovery FIRST. No matter how much pressure you feel to be productive or get out of bed, always think that nothing is more important than your recovery and that the ONLY way to recover is going through this process, giving it TIME. I have done the absolute minimum during this time and I have come to terms with it. 3. Do not put ANY pressure on yourself. Many times I felt that I needed to get out of bed and be productive or go to the gym (I gained a lot of weight) or do laundry when I felt like doing nothing. I would get so frustrated and that made me want adderall even more. DON’T fall for this. You are in a temporary process, just go with the flow. 4. Educate yourself - understand PAWS: Knowing what is happening to your brain and your body is SUPER important. Through my recovery I have had more PAWS days than good days but they are finally starting to ease up. People relapse thinking that they are going crazy and that they’ll never be able to function like a normal person again but that’s not true. 5. Weight gain: I was so hard on myself for gaining 30lbs but you shouldn't. Just accept it and know that this is temporary and you’ll be able to lose the weight once your energy returns. I’m slowly starting to lose it now that I have more energy to exercise and no longer have the crazy hunger. I hope this helps some of you. And remember… there is NO OTHER WAY out than going through it so you just have to keep going!
  21. First Day Back to Work

    I'm so happy to hear this! I'm really glad to read posts like yours because I'm about to embark on the same journey. I started taking and progressively increasing Addy in grad school and developed a ton of mental health issues as a result. I'm starting a new job in two weeks and it will be the first time in a while that I haven't worked without stimulants. I'm terrified and don't feel confident in my ability to perform without it. Reading posts like this remind me that I can do it. Thank you so much for being here and for posting this!
  22. Zoom Meetup

    I'm sorry for responding so late to this. Yes yes yes yes times a million! A zoom meeting to open up and share with others who have similar experiences and feelings would be so unbelievably helpful!
  23. Last week
  24. First Day Back to Work

    congrats man! i think you will find very quickly how capable you really are, and this realization will give you proof without a doubt that you don't need a pill to be great. (:
  25. Beginning of the end

    Update post. A few days after these posts I ended up taking dex for a couple of days to manage the exam load as I didn't feel very confident in my capacity to study without it. I did manage to get through over 10 hours of lectures without it though, its more the note organisation + discipline that challenged me. However, since then its been 2 weeks and I've officially got a bachelors degree - not really with the marks I wanted either but we live and we learn. I have been feeling good physically, its nice not to hear my heart pounding all the time, to sleep properly and not feel emotionally empty at the end of the day. Mentally, it's quite hard. I am unemployed and don't want to be, and without meds I feel very lost. I find the ebb and flow of motivation very annoying and I miss being able to make it appear out of thin air. I have really fallen out of sync with what 'normal' motivation levels are and how they don't appear when I want it to. The main thing is that I feel a major loss of confidence without meds and applying for jobs has me feeling down. It takes hours to write cover letters and I'm not really sure what job I even want... I have too much time to myself and the laziness is getting to me. Sometimes I feel paralysed. It may be a life phase thing too - finishing a degree in the middle of a pandemic and on-coming economic recession (maybe even depression) isn't the best either.
  26. First Day Back to Work

    Today marks day 1 of my return to the workforce after a couple years away. I was fortunate to have family that met my basic needs while I worked on recovery. It took me about a year to feel mentally ready to return to work, and then another year to take care of some other stuff and find the right job. And it went great. I spaced out a few times, but I snapped out of it pretty quick. I did my first full day of Addy free work in 6 years. Today was a win. I know some hard days are coming, but I’m ready to face them!
  27. 12 Step Programs

    Me too!!
  28. 12 Step Programs

    Feel free to send me a message anytime! This community is here for you. We are all going through, or have gone through many of the same things on our individual journeys.
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