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  1. Today
  2. Ambivalence

    One day at a time is the best way to think about it. Even after you draw that line in the sand and commit to quitting for good, its still best to think about it one day at a time. When I quit adderall and then again when I gave up alcohol, I would obsess about these hypothetical future events where I would not survive without adderall or boos. i.e. an important day at work with no sleep, a siblings bachelor party or wedding, taking care of a new born... finally I said fuck that, I'll get through today and cross those bridges when they get here.
  3. Ambivalence

    GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! It really helps me to take it a day at a time; an hour at a time; 15-minutes at a time...
  4. Ambivalence

    Today, I will go without adderall. I have made it to 1:45pm, I can and will make it the rest of the day.
  5. I did it!! PHEW!!! Managed to go for a 3-mile run. HALLELUJAH!!!
  6. Ambivalence

    I don’t think I would have managed to quit/stay quit if I continued to have access to Adderall. Cutting off my supplier was a necessity for me. And that is an ongoing process - continuing to cut myself off from access to stimulants since most addicts know who they know that is on it and that equals “access”...for me right now, that is my neighbor. He is both a reminder of why I quit because he’s really in the throes of The diminishing returns in his Adderall addiction, As well as a reminder that I could always ask him if he could spare a little - ARGH. Anyway, addiction is addiction, it’s not a character defect, it’s not a moral issue. There’s nothing *wrong* with YOU. You’re an amazing, strong, determined mother, professional, etc., whose brain got addicted, and you, of course, never tried for that to happen. None of us did. It’s a total bait-and-switch. We got hooked while trying to better our lives. Don’t give up. You’ll figure it out.
  7. Ambivalence

    Eventually you'll draw a line in the sand and say no fucking more adderall. It sounds so simple but one day something clicks and your just like for better or worse, no matter what hell I have to push through, I'm not going to take that shit again. I'm going to grind the days, weeks, months, years to get back to my natural self... sounds like your getting close to that point. Once you really commit and you know its no longer an option because you promise to yourself, its very freeing. Sure there are shitty times but even the rough times are so much better than the daily circus going on in your mind on whether to quit now, or ever, or maybe tomorrow, and then feeling shame because you used again, etc. Its a vicious cycle that is just not sustainable.... once the shit is even a little bit not fun, and tolerance goes up, and the happy excitement wears off, its the beginning of the end.
  8. I definitely relate to what you say about the novelty of working from home wearing off. It was cool for a few days but eventually it gets pretty blah when you work from home for 8 hours and then when you get off your still at home with nowhere to go. The wife and I have been doing at home workouts, walking the dogs, and going for runs after we finish the workday. Its really helped with with the mood and overall sanity. Just commit to do some exercise daily and don't waiver. You won't regret it.
  9. Ambivalence

    I can relate and understand everything you’re saying. Hang in there. I’m thinking of you. Are you still seeing clients (what with COVID-19 going on)?
  10. The past few days have been more challenging. I think the novelty of working from home and sheltering in place is waning. Yesterday I was Feeling really “blah” and my thoughts began going to how much a little Adderall would help. I need to give some structure To this new situation - mainly, I need to up the ante on the amount of exercise I’m getting. I stopped smoking pot a few weeks ago, and have been very pleasantly surprised at what a non-issue that turned out to be. But before COVID-19 *hit* I had gotten really into my OrangeTheory workouts and once they closed, I managed to do some jogging/walking/biking, but now it’s Friday and I haven’t worked out all week and am feeling incredibly sluggish. It’s great to be having so much more time for sleep, but today I feel the dull ache of too much sleep, not enough exercise. If I can manage to get myself up and out for a good run today, everything else will be gravy. All this said, overall I am really enjoying the quiet, slowed pace of sheltering in place, and, despite the pandemic, I don’t want it to end.
  11. Ambivalence

    Thank you so much. Your words are so reassuring. It's clearly not true that quitting would genuinely put my family's survival at risk... it's just that I don't know how to get through the days to get to the other side.
  12. Ambivalence

    When I woke up yesterday I really resonated with your post. But then I gave in mid-day.
  13. Yesterday
  14. Ambivalence

    thanks for sharing and being so honest! first of all, no one here is judging you. in fact, most of us have relapsed in a very similar fashion. most of us have tried several times to quit before finally succeeding. this is all part of the process, so don't beat yourself up over it. here's honestly what it comes down to: everyone has different circumstances in life - i certainly don't have 4 kids or run my own business. that must be really tough. if quitting would genuinely put my family's survival at risk, i'm not sure i would do it. only you can answer that question. is that really why you're using again? but on the other hand, no one would quit Adderall if it didn't eventually become "not so great", right? there is of course a period of time where the good seems to outweigh the bad, then eventually it flips. you admit yourself that you're already at that point again. fortunately though, you've already recognized that Adderall isn't a long term solution. that's probably the biggest hurdle of all! once you realize this, there may still be some relapse episodes, self-doubt, etc. but deep down you know eventually it has to stop. you're already on a one-way ride to recovery, it might slow down here and there, but rest assured that your commitment to this journey remains. (:
  15. Ambivalence

    I did that kind of addict justification for months and years. Trust me you can still handle your current life without stimulants. Most likely way better. It might not seem better when you initially quit but you can handle it. And you'll be much more present with your 4 kids and way more self aware about your business... opposed to just speeding through the day being a productive machine. Its not a sustainable way of life.
  16. I can't believe it's me...

    I wish I hated it every time I take it. I just feel relief when I take it.
  17. I can't believe it's me...

    Wow... @NurseAddy, we've talked before, when I had quit. I never read your story til now. I resonate so much. I am 37. I am a mom of 4. I own my own business. I am a psychotherapist. I help people quit addictions all day every day. And I am fucking addicted to adderall.
  18. I tried......

    I really relate to this. @quit-once, you said, "what's your alternative - stay on adderall forever?" Please don't shame me here, but my gut honest answer at this moment in time is... "Yeah... would that really be so bad?" I mean clearly I am on this site, so clearly I know that there are problems for me. But my brain still keeps telling me that the problems are only because I keep misusing it (abusing it) and not just taking it as prescribed. I am not arguing, I am looking for help. I want to tip my ambivalence over the the other side. I know how to help people overcome addictions - I do it for a living. But this is so fucking insidious. Because I relate so much to @imabuki. One evening, I simply had to pack my entire family up to go to Savannah for my daughter's gymnastics meet that was happening the next morning. I couldn't move. I caved. And OMG I got us packed and we drove the 6 hours there. I haven't been able to stop since. I feel emotionally regulated when I'm taking it. When I'm not, I feel crazy. I'm sure it's withdrawal, but... do I need to go through it now? Literally, these are the things that keep me from moving from contemplation/preparation into action. Ugh. Please don't shame me, I am so very sensitive to that. I really am asking for honest thoughts. I am insightful and curious and willing to call myself on my own bullshit. Seriously. Someone help me see why I need to stop! Because I know that when the pain gets great enough we make change. i don't want to have to wait for that!! How do I stop when every single day feels like it will be okay if I do, and every single day feels like it won't be okay if I don't. And I am not sure why it even matters in the long run....
  19. Ambivalence

    So... I had a month off of all this crap and it was great. And now I've had about 4 months back on it and it was great at the beginning and it has become not great again, like always. The first time around, this forum was a godsend. I literally donated the second I found it b/c I knew it was exactly what I needed. I read posts every day and posted almost every day. But I have been avoiding it for a few months b/c I am still in ambivalence. And I'm not sure if that's allowed. Or, I'm sure it is on some level, but I fear that I need to be committed before I post. But I'm doing it anyway b/c I feel like this forum is the closest any group has ever come to understanding my struggle. I did great for that month (I mean, it was hard, but I was free.) But now I feel like I don't have a life that allows me to be without stimulants. A part of me is aware that that way of thinking is old addict justification. But a part of me thinks I'd have to change my life so drastically I don't know if I could do it. I have 4 kids and my own business. I'm sure I could do it. But... is it worth it? I mean a part of me knows it is... that's why I'm here. But then... the day happens... and there's so much to do... and FUCK. So I don't know. Maybe you will all tell me to go away and come back when I'm certain. Lol, I doubt you will, but there's always that chance. I think I am posting on here though b/c I want help. I want help without being shamed. I do have other support in my life. But what do you do when you aren't yet in the "action" stage of change? I am wavering between contemplation and preparation right now. And then I tell myself I need to take like a whole week off to do this. Which I don't think I am willing to do. (I was going to say I don't think I CAN do, but I mean, if I had cancer I'd take a week off, right?) The last time I quit I LITERALLY planned a surgery that would keep me home for a week in order to do this. I was so proud of myself. But there are SO MANY MIXED MESSAGES! Even my therapist is like, "well maybe you don't need to quit completely." And I just don't know! So. That is what is going on with me.
  20. My New Puppy

    OMG thanks for sharing!! she is PRECIOUS
  21. While this is a very stressful time, and its scary the uncertainty of work and income, I am finding that this downtime and staying home has helped my recovery. it is helping me put time down from my last pill (nov 11, 2019). before this all happened i was feeling pressured at being months sober but still lacking motivation, now I am home with family and that pressure is taken away because technically staying home and doing nothing is helping yay! i am doing something! lol I was also struggling socially and now that is not an option either. no pressure to have a social life at the moment with us all in isolation. taking this a day at a time, I obviously want this to be over, but I haven't felt any pressure what so ever to take adderall since it started and I was craving it before because I wanted to get out and do shit. Stay safe and stay adderall free!
  22. Last week
  23. My New Puppy

    Her name is Penney and I got her last week:
  24. Successfully tapered down, last pill 24 hrs ago

    Welcome to the forum and congrats on finally quitting. Since you have been preparing for this moment for the last nine months, I have no doubt you will succeed especially if you stick with your plan, the workouts, and not drinking.
  25. Thank you! Look forward to being part of this community!
  26. hi @Civilengr2020 welcome to the forums - it sounds like you're in the right mind set to start this journey! that sense of not knowing who you really are is an existential nightmare that we have all been through. i remember thinking, back at the peak of my addiction, that i had built this seemingly successful life for a person that didn't even exist anymore. would that person even care about the addict's achievements? something to remember early on is that those achievements may not feel "real", but they're still yours. you don't need to shut away all your accomplishments. it may not seem like it for the first year or so, but you will eventually learn to love your life again and not think of the last 15 years as a waste. gl and stay close to the forums (:
  27. Successfully tapered down, last pill 24 hrs ago

    @Letsdothis! that's awesome! congrats on your last pill. i especially love that you identified better "person" as one of your goals. it's great that you have employees and family to hold you accountable but ultimately you need to do this for yourself as well. gl and keep us updated on your progress (:
  28. It’s 5am and I have not been able to go to sleep just thinking about what awaits for me the next couple of weeks and months. I know it will be hard but I understand this is what needs to be done in order for me to find true happiness. For 15 years I have depended on a pill for motivation, perseverance, career advancement, etc......but I truly hate the person I have become. So much so that I have forgotten who I really was before making the terrible decision to begin this journey back in 2005 at the age of 24. I am turning 39 in a couple of days and even though you could call me “successful”, I’m horrified by the fact that at an age where you are suppose to be at your spiritual, social, and career peak, I do not even know who I am. For these and many other reasons I have decided to quit and begin a new journey that I know is real and can call my own. These are stressful times in the world but hopefully with the help of this forum and advice from my newly found peers, I am able to find truth, happiness, and my true self at the other side of the abyss!
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