All Activity

This stream auto-updates   

  1. Today
  2. Good to hear from you quit-once, hope you are doing well!

  3. 4 years clean - checking in

    I wasn't clinically diagnosed with PAWS, but looking at the symptoms - sleep disruption, low energy, anxiety, mental fog - they definitely describe how I felt for quite a while after I stopped taking stimulants. Sleep was definitely a big issue, as was mental fog. I'm also reading that the PAWS "can last for a few days, and these can continue cyclically for a year" which is interesting because some days and weeks were definitely more difficult than others. It makes sense to think of the withdrawals as rhythmic looking back at that first year.
  4. 4 years clean - checking in

    Thanks for sharing your story, did you ever suffer from paws in your recovery?
  5. 4 years clean - checking in

    Thanks for checking in and sharing your wisdom. That was an inspiring post to read!
  6. Yesterday
  7. 4 years clean - checking in

    I recently passed 4 years clean of vyvanse and adderall, and had an interaction with some people that compelled me to come back and check in with this wonderful community. Quick back story, I took heavy doses of both vyvanse and adderall for 2 years between 2014 and 2016. I started taking ritalin and adderall on and off in college before that time, but didn't feel like I relied on it. Once I started working in Finance, I felt like I could not keep up, be on my game for 10+ hours a day, so I saw a doctor and got a prescription. The prescription eventually got up to 70mg of Vyvanse so I was pretty "on point" for the whole day. I also took it every single day, without fail. Then suddenly came the panic attacks and anxiety. Toward the end of 2016 tried to just reduce my dosage but it felt like it made it worse, I was sure I was experiencing withdrawls so I quit cold turkey, against the advice of my doctor. Those were the worst 6+ months of my life. I went the ER twice with what I had convinced myself were strokes or some kind of heart attack. Had a CT scan of my brain. Nothing. Emptiness is probably the only word to describe that time. If you've seen that movie "Get Out" where the main character gets trapped in his own mind, looking out from afar - it felt like that. Fast forward to today. I probably wouldn't have even realized it was my anniversary of being clean had I not got some drinks with old friends. The topic of adderall came up and all three of them revealed they had begun taking it in recent years. One of them were experiencing panic attacks, so she was moving to every other day and not taking it on weekends. They lamented that now they didn't think they could perform their jobs without the drug, and asked me what it was like to just stop using it. I said how horrible it was, like soul crushing, to no longer have that rush of dopamine on a consistent basis, but it does get better. That feeling of being "in it" and being uber-productive does come back, it's just not on demand. When I do find it, that old familar flow, I will try and maximize it in the moment, get everything done that I possibly can. I know that you might not think about it during the withdrawals, but I truly feel you will know yourself and your capabilities, as a result of all of this. I'm rambling now, so I'll move onto some things I wish I knew in that first year: Don't look for a replacement. Caffeine, acetyle-l choline, ginko biloba, huperzine A ... so many supplements. Caffeine is 100% a trigger for anxiety, for me (I now drink 1/2 caffeine coffee 1x in the morning), and the supplements, while helpful perhaps, aren't going to change your life. Alcohol is not an escape. This may be indicative of other, more personal problems, but I leaned heavily on alcohol ... for a long time. I honestly still struggle with it. And I am not talking about housing a bottle of vodka or going off the deep end, I'm talking about 2 cocktails a night, or 3 beers, or 2 glasses of wine type of thing. These were enough to numb me and help me sleep. The whole recovery needs to focus on yourself, and you're not yourself when you're buzzed. In fact, I think you lose your sense of self when you're doing it so consistently. I do drink now, but I have rules for myself, never during the week, never more than 4 in a sitting, etc. Meditate. For the love of god, meditate. And I don't mean just sit there and think about nothing to quiet your mind - which is good don't get me wrong - but learn about meditation and their techniques. It started with this video for me (I know it's a long one), and now I use the Headspace app on my phone for guided meditations. The best technique I ever heard to describe meditation is going to a place in your mind that is an empty field, looking up and seeing all the "thought clouds". Some are stormy and horrible. But the meditation helps you seperate from the thought, observe it ... but also just rest. Not think about anything in particular. Once you do this, you can do it in real life. In that moment you're having anxiety, you can start to remind yourself, "this is anxiety, I am anxious" ... and then examine the reasons for being anxious. For me, it's driving. I now know that driving is a trigger for me, I don't know why, and I just observe it when it happens. It doesn't make it go away in the moment, but it's more like ... hey screw you driving ... and then don't carry that experience with you the rest of the day. I think it's a vicious cycle when you get anxious, then get worried about why you're anxious, then get more anxious, etc. I sounds pretty dumb as I read back, but I assure you, if you can meditate 10-15 minutes a day, every day, you'll be better off. Exercise. I actually did this quite a bit in the first year, and I think it helped a lot. I kind of thought about the recovery like a prison sentence. I had read enough from other people that it would eventually get better, or I'd at least get used to life without stimulants, so I might as well do something productive like exercise while I'm here. Have confidence in yourself, even if you don't think it's there. The person that you were on adderall is still you. Continue to put yourself in situations that adderall-you would have volunteered for. Engage with friends, do new projects at work, whatever it takes. Talk to someone. Probably the most important. I didn't do this until the end of year 1 I think, but I told a friend that I felt like a shell of my former self, that I couldn't feel anything, I hated myself, I never thought I'd be normal again, and I didn't know if I wanted to go on. He had served a tour in Iraq and had his own struggles, but helped me realize that I'm still me. We are still the people we have always been. These experiences changed us, yes, but we move on to the next experience and the next one, and continue to change. Just focus on what the next change could be, and set yourself up for success. I don't know if any of this is helpful. I just remember when I was first getting clean, I searched all over the internet for an answer of "does it ever get better". Looking at me now, 4 years later, yes. I'm still trying to improve myself every day. Some are better than others. I wrestle with self-esteem, confidence, sobriety ... but I just keep working at it. One thing is for sure, I've made hella progress. If I could say something to myself when I was first starting, it's probably "you're stronger than you know right now". You'll come out of the other side of this, and you'll have a better idea of who you are. Forgive yourself, love yourself, and then focus on making yourself (and others) happy. Keep going.
  8. Went 90 days then relapsed - Now 7 Days clean

    You're completely right, and I need to come up with a solution. Alcohol isn't an issue b/c I stopped drinking years ago (except for that margarita, lol.) The problem is that my husband has scripts for all of those things. He doesn't take them addictively like I do though. He knows what I am doing, except he doesn't know about this most recent lapse. I think I need to buy a lock box and put any meds he has in there and have it be a passcode that only he knows so that I don't have any option to have access to them. To my pleasant surprise, today was not hard like I expected it to be. I am so grateful that I just had that "done" feeling again after sleeping for an hour. However, I can already feel myself starting to convince myself why I would benefit from taking something to sleep. Ahhhh! Wow I really have issues. I was fine all day until just now and I'm like... it's the end of the day, I'm going to bed soon... OMG i am so ashamed. I just took a klonapin. (I am only ashamed b/c I am telling on myself, not because I did it.) Don't know why I felt the need to share that but it felt relevant. I did it b/c I didn't like feeling that craving (I know how to ride it out) and I justified to myself that this really is my last one so it's okay. OMG the self justification and rationalization and lies to myself are unreal! Okay I am not waiting until I buy a lock box. I am going to get all the meds tonight and have my husband take them to work with him tomorrow. I don't think I'll be tempted tomorrow, but I'm not messing around with this shit anymore.
  9. almost 9 weeks clean- drowning in depression

    while i don't necessarily share the spirituality, anything that adds value to life and recovery process is awesome! that being said, i'm an advocate of Wellbutrin - just be careful of the dosage. normal adult dosage is ~300mg a day, but most people find that too stimulating and can cause anxiety. i'd start out at half that in SR form, try it for a month and see if it helps. (:
  10. @kayblacks wow! i feel the exact same way. signs from the universe are real and should not be ignored. I still am seeing 11:11 and 1:11 almost every day since quitting. crazy how those signs are just enough to convince me to stay sober when the cravings are calling. so good to have someone also get this! glad to hear wellbutrin is helping a little for you.. that is probably in my future as well.
  11. Acute insomnia after detox

    It is his dopamine well lack of that is preventing him from sleeping. Luckily, there is a cure. Go to sprouts and buy l-tryosine.
  12. Last week
  13. Wow @dolssa you and I are in the exact same place. My depression got so bad that I had to go back to my psychiatrist and get on an anti depressant (wellbutrin). I was so hellbent on never taking a pill again but the depression was absolutely so painful. I have been on it for about a month, I think it is working a bit. Another thing too, my intuition is SO spot on. I ALWAYS catch 11:11 these days too, I recently accidentally ended up with these "ask angel" cards and have had so many signs to "ask my angels". like yesterday, I saw the word CHERUB 4 different times. LIKE WHAT??? It really is amazing. With all of the synchronicities it is enough to keep me clean. I am pretty spiritual as is and I know intuitively that my soul needs to be off adderall
  14. Went 90 days then relapsed - Now 7 Days clean

    @DelaneyJuliette this right here. i can almost guarantee that those "idk what the fuck i was thinking" moments only occurred because you knew you had access to the drugs.
  15. @DelaneyJuliette stick with it, you’re more than capable of staying clean. I know how you feel, it’s really really hard, but it can be done and from reading your posts I know you can do this. Adderall, alcohol, temazepam, klonapin, tramadol. That’s a lot of drugs. I don’t know you or your situation, but I think taking a look at stopping the other drugs and drinking would set you up for success. Clean out the pills you’re keeping “just in case”. Very few ever successfully quit when they have immediate access to the drugs they struggle with. You can do this! Keep on posting and sharing your journey.
  16. Went 90 days then relapsed - Now 7 Days clean

    Man oh man i can 100% relate. I was so proud of myself - almost 30 days sober from the main culprits - adderall and tomazepam - (but i also wasn't taking my occasional klonapin or opioid either. The first 2 weeks were literal hell. I was finally starting to feel really really good. Then I went home over Christmas and all was well... I went to lunch with an old friend who ordered a margarita and I wanted to have one too. So I did. (And I actually know drinking isn't my problem.) But what happened is that I didn't like the way I felt but it lit up that seeking system and all I wanted was to go back to feeling how I used to feel. So I went home and took a bunch of adderall and temazepam, etc. I am really embarrassed bc I barely remember anything and I know some people were really worried about me... So, I had a 3 day lapse over xmas. then I got back on the band wagon and have been 17 days sober, and really feeling balanced. The anxiety has been subsiding and I am seeing how I don't need adderall. then Tuesday at work, idk what the fuck i was thinking but I just wanted to "feel differently." I had a client I didn't feel like talking to and she's easier to deal with when I don't care about anything, so i searched the drawers and found some old tramadol. Took those, and then immediately took adderall and klonapin. so of course i just let that bleed over into Wednesday and now I'm fucking up all night and don't want to go to work tomorrow, Thursday. I might actually not go. But it's so insideous b/c i really really really thought i was done! ugh!!!! okay, so what i have learned is that i need to be accountable on here. I am going to start posting every day. Like it's just a thing to do. B/c now that I'm back close to it again, I feel myself waivering about whether i should take it tomorrow (today) or not. I WILL NOT. I am supposed to get up in an hour. I really feel like taking my meetings by phone and skype today and not going in. I am going to choose that. BUT i have to recognize that i can do this one hour at a time. I have to go back to that place i was before where i remember that i am overcoming a major addiction so i cannot be too hard on myself or bite off more than i can chew. Breathe. I can do this.
  17. I relate to this so much. I'll post a bigger post elsewhere, but shortcut - I was 27 days sober - 3 day lapse over xmas - then 17 days sober, then Tuesday, idk what the fuck i was thinking, so of course i just let that bleed over into today. Anyway, how i relate is that i spent 3 hours picking out my son's friend's bday present on etsy. What the literal fuck. My kids didn't get to bed until midight because of this ridiculousness.
  18. As we all know, long term adderall causes anxiety + depression. This one obviously sucks, especially the anxiety. I found a reliable + cheap remedy for anxiety. Intranasal insulin: http://www.lostfalco.com/intranasal-insulin/ How did I get the logic behind this? https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0304394017307681 This would be ground breaking for so many people. I don't personally know any ground breaking depression remedies that directly shows correlation with amp. in studies. I am sure they exist, look around! L-tyrosine and 5 htp will obviously help to a large extent.
  19. Great post. I think it’s the little things that build up to bigger and bigger things. Every day feels like a chore until I fight through my mind to tackle each task. Today I finished a MOUNTAIN of laundry that needed to be folded. Then I did spreadsheets. GoD awful spreadsheets for work, only took 2 hours. I did it without adderall and efficiently :-) BEFORE when I’d take an adderall. I would have folded the laundry, then at the peak switch to my spreadsheets. Which would take me a total of IDK ALL DAy -because back then I’d also start cleaning the closet, simultaneously, then decide to wipe the inside of the drawers out and so on. Wtf I don’t miss that girl.
  20. I did a whole semester of school without adderall. It was super fucking hard, but I did it. After that semester, I decided taking adderall would mitigate some of the difficulty I had faced. I started taking it and crashed and burned in all my classes. I'm having a very difficult time believing in my heart that I can get through school sober. I do know that when I take it, nothing good happens. Loved this post, @dolssa!
  21. @skylounger i love The Witcher! Adderall had the opposite effect on me where i had no interest in videogames, TV or movies at all. but for almost the first full year sober, i didn't have the energy for videogames. it will come back to you, i guarantee it (: by the way, there are a lot of quality of life mods for Witcher that may make the game more tolerable and less stressful. for example, i have no patience for inventory management so i got a mod for unlimited backpack weight. depending on the platform, you may have some other options available (i'm on PC). @dolssa don't feel silly about that - it's a HUGE deal and one of the first major victories. once you realize that it's not so bad, you'll have a fairly clean living space going forward which does WONDERS for your state of mind! my next big challenge is writing a full song without Adderall - it's tough but i've at least put in a routine of practicing piano and guitar!
  22. @dolssa congrats on cleaning your apartment today, happy for you! Have you considered deleting your contacts that can supply you? Today, I played a video game (the Witcher 3, started playing it again after the Netflix series came out..) for like 2 hours without the help of adderall. I used to find it overwhelming and stressful to even play RPG video games like that since it's a lot of work. Slowly starting to see the fun in it again..
  23. Hey all- So today.. i almost relapsed. my trigger was how messy i let my apartment get. I had to unpack my bag from CHRISTMAS and put away a ton of clothes and do the dishes. Literally wanted to die I had no energy or motivation to do it. I thought wow 10 mg of addy just 10 mg and I can clean all this! I even wrote out a message to someone who I used to buy from. didnt send it thank god! I somehow talked myself out of that and told myself to just fucking clean it. After 10 minutes of cleaning I realized it wasnt as hard as I was working myself up over. I finished everything in about an hour and a half. crazy how i let it sit there for days thinking i was incapable of doing it without adderall LOL. I felt silly for being proud of myself for doing the simplest of things, but honestly I am proud of doing those chores sober. Now, I think ill be able to do them again sober! what have you done today or recently that you are proud of yourself for doing without adderall?
  24. Earlier
  25. For Those Who Need a Little Hope

    Came across this in rehab and loved it: Maybe the best thing you could do right now is just sit with it awhile. Maybe the bravest thing you could do right now is just decide this will not defeat you. Maybe the most productive thing you could do right now is fold your hands in prayerful silence. Maybe the most sensible thing you could do right now is laugh - laugh in the face of it all. Maybe the most powerful thing you could do right now is just close your eyes and envision a positive outcome. Maybe the most loving thing you could do right now is just give yourself room to breathe. Maybe the best thing to do right now looks like nothing at all. But it's not. Because when you're gathering hope, it's patient. When you're gathering strength, it's quiet. When you're gathering resilience, it's unnoticeable. In the face of challenge and uncertainty, sometimes the best thing you can do right now is just hold on. xoxo
  26. I hate this drug. Everyone is right on this thread. Just keep fighting every day. Even if the only thing we accomplish is staying adderall. This is not an easy battle. Almost at a yr clean now (for the second time .) I’ve been a yr clean before and caved as well @Lizzyc understand. trying to push through this last turning point and never look back. I have to beat it this time. It’s not medicine and it is just f—ingspeed. Think that is the best advice. @sleepystupid
  27. People in long term recovery- need advice

    @Lizzyc I am currently en route to rehab ready to rip my skin off! Please fight this disease with all your strength! It aint worth it.
  28. 20 Months Out. Struggling.

    Hi @skylounger, welcome to the forums! I enjoy running and exercise which helps. I also have done some volunteer work coaching youth soccer and working with kids. I do enjoy that. My girlfriend of 10 months is really into horses, so I’ve spent time with her out at the barn and that’s a peaceful environment for me. I used to get really fired up about golfing, watching sports, and video games, but I haven’t really renewed the same love for those things that I once had. I got rid of video games altogether, haven’t golfed in 4 months and watched like 2 football games this year. It’s a little confusing because I always loved those things even before Adderall. Nothing really gets me excited anymore. I hope to get a good job, marry my girl, and have a couple kids, but beyond that I feel a lot of me has died. I know I’m only 28, but it’s easy for me to feel in my heart like life has passed me by. I stayed strong on the nicotine. I figured it would only set me back and not be worth it. Thanks for the post, it’s nice to feel not alone.
  1. Load more activity