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  3. Explaining to family

    hi @tjzen Adderall is thought of more frequently as a "medication" than as a "drug". this is kind of a double edged sword because it can mask the seriousness of a dependency or addiction, but on the flip side it may help you explain changes in your behavior to your family (without it sounding suspicious). I'm not sure how much they already know about your usage, but you could simply explain that you're trying some different treatment options with your doctor - it's not a lie, and should afford you the much needed support of your family. it can be scary, but don't be afraid to ask for help! family is family - rely on them for a while so that they can rely on you once again (:
  4. Explaining to family

    I am the oldest of 7 children and my family tends to rely heavily on me. When trying to quit I feel so tired and out of it and doesn't seem to go away.... How can I explain to my family and close circle why I go from being a fit, confident woman into a bedridden, unmotivated, depressed individual? How can a pill have such a big effect on life?
  5. Happy 17th month!!! What an insane accomplishment. So encouraging to hear that the changes keep coming month over month and you’re feeling so at peace now. I definitely want and need to stay more active here too, it brings a sense of community and understanding that no one in my life can relate to. And if month 9 happens to be harder, at least I can come here to talk about it!
  6. When will I feel again?

    hang in there @tjzen ! the first couple of weeks will be brutal, but that acute anxiety will subside. you're still in for quite a ride after that, but just focus on one day at a time right now until you feel a bit more leveled out. when you feel ready, I encourage you to share your full story and we can help you plan out the next phases of your recovery. (:
  7. Earlier
  8. When will I feel again?

    I have been on Adderall for 5 years and tried to quit multiple times but can't seem to kick it permanently. I haven't had one in about 10 days. Side effects include; vivid nightmares, a feeling like pulling my hair and scream and have mostly been in bed with the exception of walks with my puppy. The level of anxiety is so real its like trying to drive on the highway with low visibility. Can't really remember what happiness feels like and maybe if I can quit my serotonin levels will level out or something.
  9. Zoom Meetup

    Hello from Canada, love the sound of this
  10. A lapse in time

    I think it's natural (even expected) to have cravings and temptations. IMO, there's no amount of mental resolve or will power that will eliminate these feelings, but if you simply don't have access to pills when these temptations occur, then problem solved! glad to hear that your back on a taper schedule - do you have any precautions in place to make sure you don't overuse? perhaps a family member or roommate that can dispense for you? you're at a very critical juncture right now, and it wouldn't hurt to be extra cautious. welcome back (:
  11. @quit-once and @SleepyStupid Thank you for your words of wisdom. I want to be done, it’s just crazy the grips these pills have on a rational mind. Makes me feel crazy for continuing to do this to myself. Alas, I’ve cut off my supplier and am giving it my all. Thank you again for the motivation.
  12. A lapse in time

    Hey all. I haven't been to the forums in a while and it's because I have been embarrassed of where my mental health has been. I went through a period of time where the new medication I was prescribed (Cipralex) led me to have severe fatigue and depression. I had been keeping a bottle of unused 20mg Adderall pills in my closet. About a month's worth of 80mg a day. Long story short, this led me down a very dark path for the last two months. I started to justify using only 20mg a day to give me a boost at work and to improve my mood. And this is exactly why an addict cannot go back to using at any costs, even for a short term period, or every once in a while. After a few weeks, the 20mg had plateaued and I had forgotten I had only been using it to keep my baseline energy level at work, and not for the high. However, I am an addict, and that did not fly. I started to justify taking 20mg in the morning and then 20mg in the afternoon to give me the energy to get chores done at home too. Because if I were taking it for the energy boost at work, then I would need the same energy for home activities...right...? A month and a half later I was back to using 80mg-120mg daily along with 20mg of Cipralex, 150mg of Wellbutrin and 1mg of clonazepam daily (abusing this as well, then going days without any) I guess I had forgotten I had a benzo addiction in the past. I had quit smoking for 6 months and was proud of my success- I found myself now back to smoking a pack a day (because nicotine is life on stimulants). I have wanted to come on here to talk to you guys but I have been ashamed of my regress. I am finally back. I have had enough. That bottle of amphetamine salts emptied itself faster than it would in my initial addiction back in January of this year. It grabs a hold of you and makes you it's bitch. It will make you justify using at any cost. The shame I feel is immense, but I have a newfound hope as well. I truly believe things are different this time. I watched myself spiral so fast, and that scared the hell out of me. To see how quickly this drug could grab ahold of my life again. I had that 80mg a day prescription leftover from my doctor who retired, so there is no way I can get my hands back on that amount of Adderall unless I had the nerve to seriously doctor shop. My doctor has upped my Wellbutrin dose to 300mg which will help with smoking cessation and coming off the amount of Adderall I currently take which is 20mg a day. I hope to taper down to 0mg within a month or two. I am still hesitant about that, but I think I have had a real shift in perspective in the past few months. I am powerless to my DOC. It takes over my life. I thought I was strong enough to control my use. I also have a new quit date for smoking for this Thursday. Let this be a warning to users who feel like it's okay to go back to occasional use. You will regret it. I feel like a lot of my progress has been undone. But I will never quit trying to get sober from this Demon drug. Experts say relapse starts in the mind long before the physical relapse happens. When you find yourself starting to justify using in your head- nip it in the bud. It will manifest into physical use if you do not seek help.
  13. Great report Brit. Thanks for checking in. Ironically, month 8 was easier for me than month 9. Its so non-linear. I want to encourage you to keep going. I am about to hit 17 months in 2 days. I am twice as good as I was at 8 months. The progress is real. I am sure I was masking some underlying depression too. I went through some tough losses and battles which took their toll and I think I was able to push through it all kind of numbed up on the go go juice. Crazy how normal and peaceful my life is today compared to 10 years ago. Thank you Lord.
  14. It's been a while since I've posted an update and now feels like a good time as things have started changing again and seeing a few more stages of growth. I am heading into 8 months off of adderall and things have been good and things have been bad at the same time. I have mostly closed myself off from all human contact these last few months as I got sick of feeling so different than I did before and that nagging feeling to take a pill to feel normal grew stronger. The good: I am still feeling things! Waking up is far easier than ever before The way I think and work hasn't changed (just my speed and quickness) -- but my brain still works!! I am getting my life back... little by little (emphasis on the little) The bad: I still have depression (through Therapy discovering this has likely been lifelong) I feel purposeless and have 0 drive to take care of myself and my responsibilities, outside of my dog I literally do nothing outside of work and watch TV. Life is boring... but I also recognize it is nearly winter and a pandemic. Overall, I think my adderall usage the past 10 years was a way for me to continue living and building a life, while living, yet glossing over my depression and low self-worth. Now that this crutch is gone, it all has come crashing down and my binge eating is nearly out of control now too. Thankfully I started therapy about two months ago, and all of the things I tried to ignore or numb out, I can no longer. While this shit is so hard, I am still thankful everyday that I am still living this journey and beginning a new way of living like I never have before. A life that means something and isn't full of random tasks and activities. I've had to relearn my relationships with my friends and now my family, and I'd be lying if I said this didn't totally suck. But I am grateful for this opportunity to change and grow closer to people who mean a lot to me, rather than just always being go go go and moving on the next thing. Hope everyone is doing well!!
  15. @NurseAddy, @sage I was 48 when I quit, almost a decade ago, after nine years of Abuse. It took me six months of planning and preparation but I wanted to get it right the first time that I sincerely tried quitting. I was ready to enter addiction treatment if I failed. The older we get, the more painful it becomes to continue abusing this nasty drug, It's really hard on your body at abusive dosages. An addiction to speed is like a mortgage on your future.
  16. @NurseAddy @sage Fear is a very powerful motivator. you need to be scared for yourself, scared for your family, scared that you're literally chopping away years of your life. especially for those of us who ABUSE with a capital A, it's bad enough to see the damage that's visible - imagine what's happening that you can't see! doom and gloom aside, it's great that you're both still here and keeping this on your mind. as @quit-once says - you NEED a plan. work with your families, doctors, employers, anyone who can help you set up the right support structures to escape from this cycle of abuse. and of course keep us posted (:
  17. @sage What is your plan for quitting? 15 years is a long time on this drug, especially at abusive dosages.
  18. I’m so glad so to read your post... I am 46 and I don’t TAKE adderall, I ABUSE it. It’s been on & off for 15 years ... my body is a wreck. I have an 8 & a 6 year old and I HAVE to stop now or I won’t make it. Keep us updated. ❤️
  19. @LuLamb Reading your 1 year post hit me like a ton of bricks. Time sure does fly. We quit around the same time and I can’t tell you how happy I am for you for sticking with it. We quit around the same time, but I wish I could say that I too am at the 1 year mark. Unfortunately, I sit here typing this utterly bitter at myself, still addicted. Still spinning in the hamster wheel. My face is on fire from picking it apart, my teeth feel weak from clenching my jaw for days on end, my body aches from being on 100+mg of amphetamines, I don’t remember the last time I’ve gotten eight hours of sleep and at this point I’m taking adderall to simply function and not because I feel anything of a high. Reading your post gives me hope though. Thank you for sharing with us your success, it truly is valuable. I hope you’re living your best life, even during a pandemic. Congratulations. So awesome. ❤️
  20. Exhaustion

    What a great answer to a tough question Sleepy Stupid. I wasnt sure how to respond. "It depends on how you define exhaustion". At 15 months I started on Wellbutrin and it has helped lift a depression I didnt know I had. I have been taking it for two months and its really helped me with my "exhaustion". I still have days of anhedonia and depression, but so so much better for the past 30 days. Quaility of Life is better. Its actually good. I dont feel like "Whats the point?" anymore. 20 years of perscribed adderall really sucked all the feel good chemicles and life energy right out of me. I didnt expect to feel better until after two years, but I think the wellbutrin may be making a big difference. Just wanted to put that out there. Everybody is different.
  21. Exhaustion

    I suppose it depends how you define exhaustion. the acute withdrawal period (where you're barely able to keep your eyes open through the day) could last any where from a couple of weeks to a couple of months. I remember this period as the "car nap" period as I'd use my lunch break to sneak naps during the day! after that, it can vary wildly from one person to the next, but I remember quite suddenly not being able to fall asleep during my car naps any more. this was maybe around month 3 for me, but I would still be exhausted coming home and would fall asleep around 9PM every night. this lasted for probably longer than it should have (more exercise would have helped), but this lasted another 6 months or so. I think toward the end of my first year is when I stopped feeling "exhausted" just being alive - I had enough energy to make it through the day, but still bad anhedonia and depression. that would dissipate over the 2nd and 3rd year for me. hope this helps a bit (PS I was also on a low dose of Wellbutrin for the first 6 months or so).
  22. Pen Pal or Advice Please :/

    That's a wonderful way to look at it. I don't necessarily miss my 'Adderall self,' I just don't want to feel how I feel now. It's hard to trust/believe that I will feel even better once I heal since I haven't experienced that 'healed' self. Thank you
  23. Hi, can anyone offer guidance as to how long it took for the exhaustion to abate? I am looking specifically for people who have discontinued the drug, not tapered. Thanks!
  24. I am so sorry to hear your situation! I was in your shoes 3yrs ago and I can tell you you are feeling the worst of it now but things do improve! I can tell you that the drinking will become a huge setback in your healing. You body needs to heal right now and while the alcohol is likely the only vice you have to feel somewhat normal when your buzzed, it's effects on a healing brain are terrible. Alcohol is a depressant and with the depressing nature and sensitivity of your healing this will only compound the problem worse and worse day by day. Do whatever you can to stop drinking, if you need something to calm your nerves I'd go to cannabis before alcohol. Exercise is huge also however one step at a time!
  25. hi @tuneum congrats on flushing your pills and cutting off your doc! that was a huge step, even if it doesn't feel like it. give yourself some credit where it's due! i'm sorry to hear about your isolation - we all know how lonely addiction can be, on top of all the craziness this year. it would be lousy advice to just say "you need to get out more" cause, well there's a pandemic AND that's probably the last thing you feel like doing right now! but it does sound like you'd benefit from checking out a local NA/AA meeting (in-person or virtual). you don't even have to share or speak if you're not ready. just go - and listen. being around people will help. also consider looking into some online video classes - there are tons of virtual meetups and sessions being offered these days which allow you to be as social as you feel comfortable with while gaining a skill or hobby in the process! what is your current situation like? living alone? working? going to school? you need a plan to manage the first couple of weeks or your going to end up back on the pills. if you can, try to buy yourself some time - preferably a week to literally do nothing. if that's not possible, then take a serious look at that backlog of shit and reprioritize only the super bare minimum stuff. there's a shockingly easy solution to this - exercise. i'll be the first to admit that i'm terrible about staying physically active, but I remember that feeling you describe and literally jumping on the exercise bike for 20 minutes makes that feeling VANISH. this is honestly why many people here get obsessed with fitness during recovery, because its one of the few things that actually works! (:
  26. I’ve been there. My recommendation for you is to seek out an AA, NA, CR, etc. fellowship. Millions have done it and gotten help from even worse situations than you are in. Don’t worry about steps or anything; you just need to connect with some people. You’re not alone, COVID is isolating people and harming a lot of people’s mental health. One day at a time friend, focus on getting clean and you’ll get to through it.
  27. I quit drinking about 4 days ago, and I pushed through the WDs and made it to day 2 without dying/seizing. I was starting to feel better that morning, so I took my regular dose of adderall- 40 mg in the morning, then, when that wore off, another 30, and another 30 after that, and a final 30 mg dose around 8 pm, topping it off at 130 mgs in total. Of course, what I was noticing throughout the day was that, after the initial high wore off, I was hit with a severe, crippling wave of depression/hopelessness/despair, and I could barely get myself to do any of the productive shit I /actually/ needed to do. When the end of the day came around, and when I realized that now I was going to have to endure a horrible, sleepless night/anxiety-filled day the next morning, I panicked; I needed this to stop, but I didn't have any way of coping with the comedown. I caved, and I bought more alcohol. Before I drank, however, I realized something: 1.) I have never successfully been able to take my adderall in moderation, no matter how convincingly I try to tell myself that I can, and 2.) that my depression gets unbearably bad when I'm dealing with the adderall COMEDOWNS, and that I've been using alcohol to deal with that for a long time now. Yesterday, I finally did what I've been trying to do for a long time; I flushed my pills (save for 5, which I said I'd save for 'emergencies', but which I promptly took the next day, like the idiot that I am). I faxed my doctor a statement saying that I was quitting and to please not prescribe me anymore, and I left it at that. Today, I feel myself regretting this decision. I haven't left my room for almost a month now-- I've been binge drinking and contemplating suicide and generally isolating, and I feel physically and mentally like the most disgusting piece of shit alive. I have no friends or family who support me, and I don't think I've spoken to a real person-- besides my therapist-- in months. I don't know if I can do this; I feel like fucking garbage, and I don't know how I'll have the energy to deal with the backlog of shit I've put off in the weeks I've been isolating without that adderall boost. I'm scared, and I don't know what to do/how to get help. That's all. I'm scared. I want to kill myself. Thank you for letting me rant.
  28. One Word Status Update

    betrayed
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