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  1. Today
  2. 5 days clean feeling hopeful but tempted

    i second the suggestion for the keto diet. it is certainly tough in its own way (basically cutting all carbs and sugars), but it's more forgiving with portion control, and people report a kind of natural high after some time and consistency. something to consider: try separating the things you want to do from the things you need to do. i think what you'll find is that some of those things in the "want" column might not be as important to you now as they were when you were on speed. this realization was super important during my recovery, because i spent so much of the first few months hating myself for not being able to do the things i used to. what you'll also find is that the list of "need" stuff is probably less daunting than it seems. at least for the first few months in recovery, what are the real basic things that you need to do? laundry and room cleaning once a week? as a model you should probably be working out several times a week? as simple as this stuff sounds, getting through the "need" stuff every day may actually be so rewarding that you feel okay about not getting to the "want" stuff! as for the rest of your time? catch up on movies,TV, books, music.. think of it as a productive exercise in consuming pop-culture (:
  3. Stages of adderall recovery

    - At one year I thought I was a little shaky, but on the right path. I took solace in the fact that people on here said that it got even better in the second year. - At two years, I was on my feet and doing well, but still pretty volatile emotionally. Occasionally, I'd flirt with the idea that I could go back on it. That idea had to be SMASHED. - I spent my third anniversary in London after hiking the West Highland Way. Towards the end of my using, I couldn't bend an appendage without joint pain and muscle soreness. - At four years, I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, even in my worst moments, that I can't use Adderall "as prescribed" for any real length of time. I'm on the right path. I've recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body it put me in. My intellectual faculties are at all time highs. I've got 30 pounds to lose, but have been lifting regularly for some time and am making sustainable progress on that front. I enjoy helping others recover, on here and IRL. I pray and meditate. Daily. I have a sense of purpose. I've rekindled relationships with friends and family. I trust that if I stay off Adderall and keep giving it my best, or at least a decent shot, one day at a time, things will work out. They have so far.
  4. Long timer checking in.

    This is instills a lot of hope. How long did you use for?
  5. Long timer checking in.

    Congrats we started same time along with Bluemoon know she’s been doing good also pretty cool all 3 of us made it.
  6. Hi friend. Are you doing okay?

  7. Yesterday
  8. I can't seem to find any articles on a recovery time line. Anyone who is 5+ years clean care to elaborate on major mile stones. Such as what year one, two, three and so on were like?
  9. Great advice! About getting up and doing something ! Anything. When the bad comes it's hard to remember the good, for me anyway. Going to the gym first thing in am definitely helps me, I don't kill it, but just getting there is huge. Sometimes it really is about the little things. Good luck to us all.
  10. Last week
  11. New to the community

    https://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/03/us/concerns-about-adhd-practices-and-amphetamine-addiction.html I am this kid. Luckily after being pushed by psychosis and delusions just like his to the point of suicide I couldn't bare knowing what it would do to my dad and family so I went to rehab and took my antipsychotics and it's saved my life. When you're psychotic it's hard to understand for someone who has never been how real and how much sense your delusions make.
  12. Long timer checking in.

    A morale booster to read. Thank your
  13. New to the community

    Before using Adderall I never had a problem with social anxiety, social insecurity, and talking in conversation. There are many side affects from chronic use of Adderall but this is the one I think I hate the most. It slowlychanges your personality to where I didn’t even want to be around family. Since I quit 5 months ago I’m more aware of how isolated I become . I have more awareness of loneliness. It bothers me more now that I’m in recovery than when I was using. I want to enjoy being around people like I used to. I feel better but I still have anxiousness in social situations and in conversation. I wish there was a way to speed up the recovery but I think it takes about a year or so to reclaim this part of our personality back. I hope you quit soon and begin your recovery. Keep us posted. Your not alone
  14. I can relate to all that. I gained 45 pounds after quitting which was so bad because I was six foot 3 and only weighed 155. I was so sick. I looked near death. I'm now 200 and healthy. I've messed around on dating apps here and there too. Music is a big part of my life. I play guitar and drums and sing and while I was using I was set on being a famous musician but that obviously didn't pan out. I still play guitar and sing and a lot of times I have no desire or motivation to do it but I make myself because music seems to have some magical effect once I start I usually feel better. I love just listening to music too. Since quitting I've binge watched a lot of tv, spend a lot of time on social media, and occasionally go out. I've recently started to really enjoy going out on the weekend for some drinks and meeting people. Being outside really helps too. Going for a walk in nature or just sitting outside and listening to the birds and what not helps. I spend a lot of off days just sitting around too but I try not to be too hard on myself. Having that huge expectation that you have to get this and that done can really weigh you down and cause you grief. You have to be kind to yourself and realize that all you can do is all you can do. If you need to just lay around that's okay just do what you can.
  15. Thanks for the reply Sean. I gained a lot of weight too, and it has made me lose a lot of confidence. I only gained 25 pounds since quitting, but I was already overweight by about 15-20 pounds. The thought of going on dating apps and stuff makes me anxious. I have tried for a few minutes at a time. I used to play a lot of video games but I don't even have the motivation to do that anymore. Basically all I do is sleep, youtube, reddit, TV, work, repeat. My days off go by and I don't get anything done. What kind of stuff helps you feel better?
  16. I'm glad you've made it this far. You're doing great. I'm at a year and a half sober but I still drink occasionally. I struggle everyday feeling empty and with terrible anhedonia. The only thing I know to do after struggling this long with these feelings is to do something. When I start feeling and thinking that way I just get up and find something to do or I'll just sit and feel terrible. I force myself everyday to hit the gym. I get waves of heart break pain where I'm so sick and tired of fighting this fight. I've became so familiar with these moments when I start feeling this way Ill do anything I can to distract myself. I also would like to see someone but I don't have the motivation and don't feel worthy or that I'm not in good enough shape to. I just keep telling myself this can't last forever.
  17. I don't even know where to start with this. I don't even know exactly what I want to say. But I'm struggling, I guess. And want to share. I'm 36 now and was prescribed adderall at 19. I was a sophomore in college. Ever since I was a little kid I was always told I probably had ADD, but I was never tested or treated for it. I always scored really high on standardized tests, but just sailed by in high school with C's. I was notorious for not doing homework, not studying. That sort of thing. My first semester in college I had a 3.88 average though, just by going to class, taking notes, and doing minimal studying. Then, I started to be prescribed adderall. My life went so far downhill it was unbelievable. Throughout my 20's, I dropped out of college, raked up 30k in debt, experimented with many drugs, moved back and forth from place to place, developed a gambling problem. Even when I first started taking it, I think I was prescribed 30mg xr's and I would take them before I went out, and drink a bunch and party. I lost a lot of weight. But as I got older, my script was usually 30mg IR's 2x a day. I would easily run out in 10-20 days. By the time I turned 22, I decided to join the military. I got injured and medically discharged but it was my longest time off adderall. (about a year). When I turned 30, I had gotten back into school, and by a lot of accounts doing well. I got into a relationship though w/ a really bad addict, who introduced me to meth. Luckily, I only used for about a year, and never have went back to it or thought about it again. After finally ending that relationship, I was out of money, failed out of college, was spent in every way possible. I moved back in with my parents across country, and was still using dexderine. I was prescribed 30 mg 2x a day, but it was in 10 mg pills. So I would get 180 10 mg pills a month, and would easily take 12-15 a day, especially when my script first started. My life had gotten so bad. I managed to hold onto a job that I still have now (going on two and a half years) in retail, but my relationship with my mother had gotten so toxic, and i was never sleeping. I would go to work after not sleeping, and I really didn't have any friends. In Feb of this year I met a woman who told me about how she was addicted to adderall. I had just gotten my script filled and met her randomly after I had left my lights on in my car (a common occurrence) and she had given me a jump start. She could tell I was on stims, and told me her story. After being up for 4 days straight (day one being the day I met her and had gotten my script filled)... I told my bosses at work I had a problem. I then drove to the VA (where I get my prescriptions and healthcare) and told my psych prescriber. I went to rehab about a week later. I've been sober since Feb 22. I wish I could say it's all roses..but it's not. I am aware that I have accomplished SO much this year. (And while I am aware of it it doesn't mean I'm feeling as happy for myself as I should be.) I moved out of my parents house. (my roommate is the woman who inspired me to quit!) I'm enrolled back in college, I was employee of the month at work last month, I quit smoking. I still drink but it's not problematic or daily. Although I am being very mindful of that. I sleep every night, and just recently about a month ago even got off my wellbutrin. (Was taking 450 mg a day). I'm in therapy, I'm doing a lot of good things for myself. I have saved up about $5,000. (considering I had nothing in February, and I make very little money, and have had problems with shopping and gambling, this is pretty amazing... ) But I feel so empty...and alone. I haven't been on a date in over a year. I am not even motivated TO date, but I want someone. I moved into my new place a month and a half ago and still haven't unpacked my stuff. I have furniture that isn't even finished being put together. I don't exercise. I don't have any motivation to go out and be social. The anhedonia is still really terrible. I am not sure what I'm writing all this for but maybe someone can offer some guidance, or friendship. Or hope. Thank you so much for reading this. Love you all.
  18. I bought some cbd oil you put under your tongue about a week ago. Feel it’s really helped some with anxiety/ depression and with some body aches I always have. Highly recommended giving it a try it does not get you high no thc but gives all the other benefits of cannabis. Also think it’s helped with the urge to drink as I’m doing a sober November.
  19. My Story So Far, 191 Days Clean

    Day one off I was paranoid, severe social anxiety, dropped out of school, no job, no money, unable to get a job or communicate at all. Today I have a job, I can communicate though it still is uncomfortable, planning resume school in January. When I take things day to day a lot of the time I feel angry and helpless like I'll never get out of this but there has been progress you just have to look at the big picture and hang in there. I too have no clue what interest me. For the most part I feel numb and that I've lost my passion. Before I was so use to following what I felt but I can't do that anymore so I tell myself to just do what is logical and follow my brain make a decision and stick with it. we all had adderall dreams for me I want to be a musician and play professional tennis
  20. My Story So Far, 191 Days Clean

    I have a very similar story. Ended up rock bottom, moved back home, went to an outpatient rehab for about two months. I'm 19 months clean and my anhedonia is still very prevalent. I find it very hard to find any motivation to do anything and I'm bored all time. I force myself to workout daily and eat healthy. Things have gotten slightly better with time. I'm am definitely a lot better than the first few months. I'm going to hang in there and hope for the best because a lot of long time quitters say you don't get significantly better till year two and three.
  21. Hello All. I have been visiting these forums off and on over the last few years, but never posted myself. Reading about other people who have similar struggles has helped me through some tough times, so I want to add some of my story here in case it might help anyone who might find this. I started using Adderall when I was 22, just a few months out of college. At the time I wasn't in a great place emotionally; I was really depressed, discontent, and bored with what I perceived life to be after college. One Friday night, being bored with weed and alcohol I asked a friend to procure some Ecstasy, instead he showed up with some Adderall. My immediate reaction was that I really liked the way I felt, which very quickly turned into a 'realization' that ADD was and always had been what was 'wrong' with me. I messed around with Adderall XRs, IRs, and Vyvanse for a few weeks before taking my self diagnosis to a psychiatrist. Upon my presenting a litany of ADD symptoms, strategically admitting my illicit use and how much the drugs 'helped' me, I requested and was 'awarded' a 50mg/day script of Vyvanse. My first few months on Vyvanse were awesome. I worked in financial sales, and my production skyrocketed. I was making more money than I knew what do with, I enjoyed and seemed to be enjoyed more by my friends, lost some weight, girls seemed to like me way more, I was a way better golfer. The list goes on and on. What is less clear, is how quickly things turned on me for the worse. Over the course of my first year on Vyvanse I developed a severe obsession with sports gambling. Very quickly I became a guy who spent all day at work researching sports bets, and all night smoking weed and gambling in his closet, alone. About a year into my use I ended up in a tremendous amount of credit card debt from my gambling, quit my job, and moved in with some extended family out of state. I made my first attempt to quit, flushing my pills and swearing that I wouldn't go to a psychiatrist in my new home state. I made it 3 months or so before I had enough and visited a new psych to procure another script. 60mg/day Vyvanse. This time was very similar to the first time around. Things got better for a few months, and then they started to get worse. People around me liked my production at work and home, but started to confront me over my ever increasing weed/alcohol habits. Instead of quitting this time, I told my psych I wasn't getting enough out of the Vyvanse, and he added 15mg Adderall IR to my daily regimen. The Adderall became my 'fun' script by design. I would blow through it in a week or so every month, time my crash for a weekend, and keep my Vyvanse as a baseline. My attention was pulled further and further away from my actual job as my obsessions became more and more ridiculous. I was going to be a pro golfer, but for sure was not good enough. I was going to be a pro gamer, enough said. I was going to make a living flipping Pokemon cards, not sure how or why. The point is I transformed from reasonable and responsible to ridiculous and it's hard for me to even recall how it happened. This went on for a couple years until I once again quit about 7 months ago. It was terrible. I became severely suicidal, lost my job, and ended up in inpatient rehab for a month. Right now I am 191 days clean, unemployed, living with my mom and step-dad, focusing on my recovery. I am sleeping, eating, and exercising much better than I was. On Wednesday I begin the process of filing for bankruptcy. The mental health and financial cost of my past use is enough to keep me from going back at this point. At the same time its very difficult. I have no clue what interests me anymore. Anhedonia is awful and I feel deeply nihilistic at times. I can stay strong today, just in case those of you who say it gets better are right.
  22. New to the community

    Welcome too the forums. I found this website from another similar article: https://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/03/us/concerns-about-adhd-practices-and-amphetamine-addiction.html Best of luck too you on your journey!
  23. Today’s a new day, but more importantly, I got through yesterday sober, although I had the effects in my system. But ouch, yesterday was brutal. I woke up with my neck hurting, turning in an excruciating headache so bad that it caused me to severely hampered at work due to an overall, all-encompassing pain throughout my head, and especially behind the eyes. It was a subtle, albeit dull, yet extremely obtrusive, cognitive overpowering type of neural pain due to increased blood flow, primarily due to an increase in my internal temperature. It was subtle, dull, yet remaining there nonetheless, unable to be alleviated from any amount of Tylenol or < 130oz of water. Yesterday was the craziest of all I would say, especially according too this post: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/461215-Amphetamine-The-Drug-You-Learn-to-Hate. I would say that at work yesterday, I clearly and evidently made it too Stage 6. Serving the creator of Game of Thrones is very intimidating as it is, especially interacting with him under this stage. Every time that I would go in the room, Mr. Martin would look at me and all conversation with cease in the room. But I yet had the inability too Really make or even hold a conversation. I learned a great deal this last relapse because I reread this important article, and I understand a lot of the aggressive behaviors I’ve demonstrated during the last few days: calling the credit card companies late at night to try and negotiate lower interest rates but then blaming them, thinking that my job is absolutely terrible even though I make $$$$$, as well as how I apparently I absolutely despise this town, even though it’s not that bad. But it’s absolutely strange not being able to form words together and describe things as normally. So yeah that was awful. It also absolutely makes sense being so angry at the police. I got through today without any just fine. Granted I had a little difficulty connecting my thoughts and words together as fluidly as I would have liked to, I still made it through completely sober just fine. I did have three energy drinks though. Pretty scary how I could transition through all the stages in only 11 days. Pretty scary. I'm going to have to go to bed now because I have survived until 3 a.m. anymore, and I feel extremely better! Not 100% recovered, but I feel 100% better compared too how too how I've been feeling for the last few days that's for sure. Also, thank you to everyone for all supporting the posts on this thread.
  24. New to the community

    Welcome! I really identify with the anti-social part. It was always so perplexing to me that on adderall I had a surge of energy yet found it tough to convert it into sociability. That article you posted came out when I had a few months clean, I remember reading it very clearly - I'm even one of the featured NYT commenters on it! I understand that feeling of losing touch with yourself. It's a special kind of confusing hell. We're happy you're here, you can get to where you want to be.
  25. Hey family. Found two stories on adderall addiction that I hadn't seen posted here yet, just in case anyone wants to read them. This one has a lot of similarities to my story: young girl, prescribed in high school, gets addicted very quickly: https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a18196737/adderall-overdose/ And in this one, a young man got addicted and tried to buy pills on the street after running out. Bought something someone said was adderall and it ended up being laced with fentanyl. https://www.clickondetroit.com/news/defenders/michigan-man-whose-case-changed-romeo-and-juliet-law-dies-after-adderall-addiction
  26. New to the community

    In my opinion a disconnect from ourselves is a major part of our negative experiences. A huge part of recovery is rediscovering yourself. This takes time and a dedication to work hard and commitment to helping yourself get back in touch. Many people have made great recoveries coming from positions just like yours and mine.
  27. Hey Daz, I'm also a newbie on here. First off, congrats on cutting ties with your doctor. That's so huge. One of the tensions I find so palpable in the story you shared is the conflict between wanting to quit while at the same time recognizing that increased productivity is the only way out of your present circumstances. I identify so hard with this. We live in a world that tells us our worth as humans is based on our productive output. At a theoretical and spiritual level we know this isn't true---and at the same time this recognition won't make up for the fact that capitalism sucks and we still need to earn money in this shitty culture that tells us to "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps". I will say this: you don't need to feel shitty about living with your parents after getting a college degree. That's the newreality...not because you're lazy, but because most of us don't have the resources to launch a career directly after college. I experienced it, and I see my students experiencing it. Here's how I got through it: everytime you feel shitty, remind yourself that it's temporary. My advice is to live with your parents awhile longer to improve your credit score and figure out exactly what your next step should be (you mentioned grad school). If homeis a toxic and unsupportive place where you feel driven to use, then think about finding a place with a sober friend to keep costs to a minimum. One more thing: I would advise having a year or two sober under your belt before starting law school because my guess is that you'll be tempted to use. I started using again in grad school because the workload was so intimidating. Now I realize my dissertation would have been better if I had written with a straight rather than frazzled mind. Trust yourself...you know what you need to do. Hopefully, you find affirmation in some of the feedback people on this forum. Congratulations on making yourself a priority!
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