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  1. Yesterday
  2. Today is Day 30. I feel kinna settled into my new life without Adderall. I really hope my brain function improves and that I experience some benefit as my dopamine and neurotransmitter functions recover. The hardest part these days is feeling like I could close my eyes and fall asleep any time. Not that I would actually sleep or feel rested if I did, though! My eyes just feel so heavy and sleepy a lot of the time. I miss the rush of feeling my whole body and mind stimulated by the drugs kicking in. But beyond that, I don’t miss much. Mostly I feel sad and angry for the way I was on Adderall and for how it betrayed me...I reread the letter I wrote to my psychiatrist yesterday. I can’t believe that was only 30 days ago.
  3. I can't believe it's me...

    @quit-once I’m sad to say I had about enough will power to question flushing it once and then took it. Now I’ve scoured my house hoping to find more without any luck. I hate this.
  4. Getting through the holidays

    no need to be sorry, that's what we're here for (: my memories of holiday's on speed are trying to come up with excuses to skip out on everything. for about half my addiction i was living at home with my parents so that made it even harder but more obvious. when i couldn't escape? just take more drugs till i was high enough to not care (and surely enough for everyone to know i was high). but at least i was pleasant then, so everyone kinda just tried to enjoy themselves. congrats on 10 months! winter is a little challenging cause you can't get out as much, but get yourself immersed in something new - even if its just like TV or videogames or something - and you'll stop thinking about the pills in no time!
  5. I can't believe it's me...

    Send that pill to hell and flush it now! (unless you already took it) I found a lone pill a couple of years ago, and I was going to hang on to it for a friend. The temptation was unbearable after about five minutes so I flushed that little blue fucker. Do you really want to go through this recovery game all over again? Don't give up, you have over a month of freedom under your belt already!
  6. I can't believe it's me...

    I woke the dragon. I found a lone pill in my drawer (I feel like the devil himself planted it) and now I can’t stop thinking about how to score more. The craving is RIDICULOUS. This pill may still have a chance to ruin my life. How do I stop thinking about it??? Help...
  7. Last week
  8. 18 Months Sober

    Nice job @DrewK15 It’s easy to loose sight of just how far you’ve come as the months tic by. Keep up the great work. Hate to sound like Mr. obvious here, but I would suggest not taking on a heavy stress fast paced position out of the gates... I had a couple set backs going that route. It’s so tempting to want to rejoin the work world and get back to earning and performing at a high level, but that’s a trap coming out of years of addiction. I would try to find something your naturally skilled at and doesn’t require to much “extra” effort. The important part is building resilience and confidence as the days and months pass by at work...
  9. Anyone else triggered by holidays ? I’m starting to realize my trigger points in sobriety are really just times when I upped my dosage during my addiction. Holidays were definitely one of those times. Even though I’m slowly creeping through month 10 still feel like I have so far to go...I just want to stop thinking about those stupid pills. I’m feeling better physically and mentally for the most part. outside of these nagging thoughts that go through my head. Daydreaming about boundless energy forgetting the horrific side affects. sorry just venting!
  10. 18 Months Sober

    @Zajche Maybe. It’s hard to tell. My energy levels and clarity feel fine most days and I feel normal. I still struggle off and on, but I just chalk it up as having good and bad days just like everyone else.
  11. 18 Months Sober

    Do you still experience any paws?
  12. 18 Months Sober

    Hi all, I hit 18 months sober today. Just wanted to check in and say hi. Life is good. It’s hard, but so much better than it was while in my addiction. My health and emotional well being is solid. I have a really cool and supportive girlfriend. Still working on finding a job and getting back on my feet financially. That part has been frustrating and difficult, but I’m hanging in there!
  13. Last week I took some of those 40mg I had found. And I did t like it so I threw the rest away. I felt really sad and angry. I was shocked by the effect they had on me: I felt anxious and irritated; rushed and impatient; all these aches and pains came on-like I got physically exhausted; I was afraid to be around people; I wanted to calm down but couldn’t. It was awful. I felt betrayed and duped. How did I come to imbue that shit with so much power? It was all an illusion. The good news is that now I have even more clarity about why I’ve quit. When I’m feeling “MEH”, I at least know that Adderall really wouldn’t help...
  14. Earlier
  15. It’s ok to be tired and to rest. It’s ok to say NO. It’s ok to fail. It’s ok to define success on your own terms. It’s ok to not be the smartest guy in the room. It’s ok to compete only with yourself. It’s ok to be an introvert in an extroverted world. It’s ok to love, accept, nourish, and care for the only wonderful, beautiful self you will ever have exactly as it is! HARUMPH!!!
  16. Today is Day 18. It’s going well. Overall, Adderall already seems like a long time ago. It’s very hard to believe that just a few weeks ago I was in the throes of abuse. It’s as if that was someone else. It’s truly hard to believe that not only was I that addict just a few weeks ago, but nearly every day prior to then for nearly a decade. It barely computes. Within the abuse it seemed impossible to consider life without Adderall. I was so afraid to give it up. I was so afraid that the shit would hit the fan IF I quit. But the opposite was true. I didn’t realize until after I had quit that the shit-show was the way I was operating ON ADDERALL. For a few years I had been thinking about the idea that part of a definition of addiction is whether or not your life has become unmanageable. I would ask myself if my life was unmanageable or not. Let’s just say that NOW my life has become MUCH MUCH MORE MANAGEABLE. And it’s shocking because everything seems SO much simpler than Adderall made it out to be. My boyfriend has been off nicotine for a month today, but he is really struggling and suffering a lot lately. I’m so glad that Adderall is not as readily available as nicotine is. I’m so glad I broke-up with my source. People talk about the importance of knowing WHY you got onto Adderall in the first place...for me the simple answer is that I thought I needed it in order to handle the demands of life. I thought I was inadequately equipped for the game of life, and that in order to keep up with what I thought I SHOULD be doing or how I SHOULD show up, I began looking for something that would quiet my TRUTH, because I believed it was the wrong truth, and besides, I didn’t know how to say, “NO!” to myself or to others, and when I found Adderall it made me feel not only like I could go along and get along, but that I could WIN and be the best at SHOWING UP - I could be the BEST at DOING what the world said I should be doing. I’ve seen documentaries about rock stars who talk about the challenging demands of things like touring and performing and how one day someone gave them a little pill to help them cope and how great it was- how it was the answer to their dilemma- until it wasn’t. Only in hindsight is it obvious that the only real antidote to this dilemma is to learn to say, “No. This doesn’t work for me. I’m tired and I need to rest and how that is for everybody else is out of my hands.”
  17. Unexpected Triggers and Coping

    @m34 it’s like trying to turn a pickle back into a cucumber
  18. I can't believe it's me...

    @m34 Thank you for the reply and the words of encouragement. Definitely needed right now!
  19. I can't believe it's me...

    This is part of it. I kept telling those thoughts it’s my addiction talking not me.. you can do this! It does get better! Im about to hit 10 months. Still struggling, but nothing is as hard as this beginning phase! You can do this! @quit-once is absolutely right.
  20. What finally made sobriety stick?

    After adderall basically stopped working and almost losing my marriage. About 12 yrs (total) on adderall. I quit two different times. I finally realized the adderall wasn’t worth it. Quit now- don’t be me. Now all I think about is all the yrs I could have just sucked it up and gone through what I’m going through now. People on this site say -quit now or quit later either way you will have to quit. It is absolutely true. Doctors will tell you this drug is a life long drug. It’s different for everyone, but it does eventually stop working. Don’t wait until that day. It will steal more yrs from your life. Hope this helps. You can get off this drug. I was Diagnosed “ADD” over the yrs by 3 different doctors. I finally realized that I had to get over that core belief. I’m healing my ADD naturally now. It can be done. You just have to believe it can be done. I’m about to begin month 10 off adderall. Best decision I ever made
  21. What finally made sobriety stick?

    What was the tipping point for you? What was it that changed or made the difference when you finally quit ADHD meds for real, for good. What finally made it stick?
  22. I can't believe it's me...

    @quit-once Love the analogy, you’re absolutely correct. I will try and look at the whole picture in a more positive light. Thank you!
  23. I can't believe it's me...

    From my standpoint, I dread the thought of waking up under the addiction of Adderall. I just can't imagine how awful that would be anymore. I saw my adderall addiction as a mortgage on my future. The pain of recovery is merely the act of paying off that loan. The first ten weeks of recovery are absolute hell. But even during this challenging period, some days are better than others and eventually the good days will outnumber the bad days.
  24. I can't believe it's me...

    Day 23 and I’m really struggling with depression and just a feeling of absolute worthlessness. Almost like a ‘pit in the stomach’ feeling when you’re dreading a certain something, except mine is dreading waking up without Adderall. Any advice or thoughts from those veteran sobriety friends?
  25. New York City, let's meet up

    @tuneum, I go to AA regularly and per my sponsor's suggestion, have been attending NA 2x/week. No fellowship feels quite "right". Would love others sharing their experiences!
  26. Insulin Resistance

    I am currently 8 months sober and oddly enough my BSLs also came back elevated on some routine bloods recently. I need to have further tests done to rule out diabetes next week. Wouldn’t surprise me if there was a link between Adderall misuse and insulin resistance.
  27. Today is Day 12 and I have a new motto: More Balls, Less Bullshit. I am noticing that I am thinking more clearly, even though my brain is still mushy. I think I’m realizing the false sense of confidence I had on Adderall and while I don’t *feel* particularly confident now, I am having more clarity about what the right thing to do is and am better able to be proactive about it.
  28. Thank you so much for this. It is quite challenging at times and I was reminded today when I looked back in my DayTimer that when I quit back in May I was too sick on Day 10 to go to work and I had to cancel all of my clients for the day. So even tho Day 10 this go-‘round was one of the more difficult day thus far, it was nowhere near as bad as May 18th was.
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