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  1. Past Hour
  2. October Month of Magic

    I appreciate this so much. I definitely was reading through your posts last night and thinking how much I felt I was relating!!, i That's phenomenal how far you have come, 21 months is just impossible for me to imagine right now. You are right about the non-regret, and I know it to my core. I have been trying to tell myself and my thoughts that I would never regret actually trying. I would never regret going for it. It's maybe like how I read about our biological reaction to anxieties mirroring the reactions we'd have biologically to excitement. When I am feeling the overwhelm and the fear, I can invite it in because for all my body knows, I'm actually excited! Who really knows, all I know all of a sudden, again, is that this is only the second day, and I'm barely half way through... This is going to be much harder than I anticipated and I am definitely feeling queasy thinking about the journey ahead and the toll it's going to take on all things, really. Thank you for your reply and for connecting with me on here! Back to that, YOU inspired me and gave my mind a few topics to ponder!
  3. Today
  4. Ugh, what a true thing you said!! All of it! I truly appreciate you taking the time to respond and give me a little clarity, even on something so simple! I have found my tribe I think?! Finally, I don't feel so alone,
  5. Like all you want! This isn’t like social media. Everyone here is here for support. Post when you feel like it or share whenever. People come on and off this site all the time. No judgement. It’s a hard process getting off this damn drug. Sometimes all you can do is read the forum with no energy to respond. Welcome!
  6. October Month of Magic

    You kind of sound like me in the end of my use. It’s really hard to quit, but it’s really worth it. It won’t be easy at all. You have to commit to yourself and a better life. Just reading your post feels familiar. I remember spiraling out end the end and not sure where to turn. I couldn’t stop and I couldNt stay where I was. I hate this drug. Every story makes me angry. None of us should have gone through this. You’re prob smoking to calm down from the come down of adderall. It is also prob making you even more paranoid. I’d quit both to start. You will prob find your other vices are nothing compared to your addiction to stims. I’ve been there and I understand. I’m 21 months clean of adderall. 11 off alcohol. I can’t smoke because it makes me anxious, so not sure how to help with that. I’m so grateful to be free from this drug. You can quit and be there too, I was on for well over a decade with a few breaks. It’s just making the decision to be done with it and staying clean every day that’s the hard part. Choose your health and your mental health. You won’t regret it. You will only regret staying where you are now. If you are suicidal please talk to someone. Maybe a rehab would be safer to quit
  7. Just wanted to make sure I let you all know that I didn't realise I was liking every single thing of one person or another person's content and maybe coming off really weird! I'm new to this for sure!
  8. October Month of Magic

    Hi everybody, I hope everyone’s doing OK and getting through this time. I’ve come on and off this site so many times, with or without my contacts in, 11 in the morning or three in the morning, it varies and my experiences haven’t changed much day to day and month to month. I haven't gotten better and I don't feel in control. Of course not. Although, knowing that this interface and that you all exist, gives me somewhere to turn. I suppose I could say that I didn’t take it at all today, although it kept me a bit happy knowing that I always could decide to. I’m not sure what would be triggering, so I don’t really want to go into that as much. I suppose all of us have had that feeling knowing that it’s there to take. Something about it gives me strength, even though it’s so much the opposite. I’m feeling a little snips of a horrifying sadness, and that makes me really really afraid of what’s to come for me. I’ve been on Adderall since I was 16 years old, pretty much taking 70 mg every day. I remember how it made me feel back then, in fact I believe I was on Vyvanse for the end of high school most if not all of college, along with a “booster” amphetemine for afternoons. I don’t take breaks. I won’t dare take the weekend off, either! how could I enjoy the marvelous colors and smells of changing seasons? how could I be confident to step out into the world on my own? I wake up in my first thoughts have to do with my dose and I completely depend on it to feel confident, to get myself going, beautiful, etc. I get on here and I read through these forums, some of the posts are so detailed with paragraphs and paragraphs of descriptions and insights. I can’t believe how many posts get so in depth about the different supplements to introduce when quitting. I can’t imagine knowing that much about pharmaceuticals or medicinal solutions... about any one thing, really. For me, it’s hard enough doing anything at all, by the time I read a couple paragraphs, it’s done. I can’t stay on it any longer, it’s far too overwhelming (this is on me and not this forum!) It seems like everything will and can overwhelm me scary scary easily and quickly. My mind is consumed with so much clutter.... especially when I get on forums and see that people have been on Adderall for three months end at 20 mg a day… I’ve been on at least 70 mg, mostly abusing it lately (I’ll take extras, pop a pill in the bathroom out to lunch with my boyfriend, take one when I’m feeling sad, when I want to feel confident or more beautiful....) and almost 10 years of my life now. I’m also very feminine and have lots of worries about appearance and weight and all of the shit as well. I wake up so scared when I cry and sob my way through life right now… I really need help but I don’t know where to start and how to stick with it. I am trying to romanticize life in every way, I have magazines out with a movie on, paint my toes while spritzing perfume and eating chocolates. I’m not sure how to live right now. I’ve rewritten this post a dozen times because I’m afraid I’m not acknowledging all the other people on here that need help and that are suffering. I see while I am here for you right back. I guess they’re just so many things, so many worries, so much noise. I’m so afraid of what I will feel like to be done with this. I’m afraid that I’ll take a day by day and feel confident one day or the next things are going to be OK and then Bam it’ll hit me that this is a fucking nightmare and it will be years before I feel even normal again. It also overwhelmes me to think that there is NO way that quitting Adderall will be easier than this forum makes it seem. Could it possibly not be this horrible to withdraw? There is a deep sadness in the pit of my stomach right now and I'm pretty afraid of my own feelings and suicidal ideations and fears. Also, what about marijuanna? I love to smoke as well, can I keep that up at least? Can I try to get through this in an easier way? How much time do I need to spend researching and reading about the supplements and the helpful things... It all ends up overwhelming me into a darker and darker place of gloom. Love to you all. Thank you.
  9. Yesterday
  10. Why, exactly, does tapering "not work"?

    i think what @jp4revolt meant is a finer delineation between dependence and addiction. in general, dependence could be simply defined as requiring the drug to function "normally", it's more of a medical context. addiction is typically associated with an additional dimension of harmful or compulsive behavior, and it's more of a behavioral context. so based on those definitions, it might be fair to say that all who are addicted are technically dependent, but not the other way around.
  11. When will I feel again?

    When will I feel again? - Wow this is a great question. I can tell you I have had a really hard time with this since quitting Adderall. It seems like Adderall messes up our reward system so badly that we are to the point that without it we are desensitized. And with it we are just flooded with reward (when its working). I have been sober for 3yrs now and can still feel a slight disconnection from "feeling" the way I used to. Sadness is easier than joy and it at times can really take a lot to feel happy. It will get better for you especially after the 12-18mo mark. We are all different in our healing so you may recover faster or better than I did, but I can say I still have a bit of diminished connection in this area. I can say reducing stress, obligations and staying around positive people helps a lot.
  12. Why, exactly, does tapering "not work"?

    @jp4revolt gotcha, sorry! I guess I don't know why someone would be on this site if they weren't addicted. wouldn't you just stop taking it? doesn't seem to make sense.
  13. Hi @jp4revolt, I basically tapered down by 15% every 4 weeks. I split my pills with a pill cutter. It’s hard to be 100% accurate with the split but just do the best that you can. I know some people get a pill crusher and a scale and do it that way. If you’re on extended release that’s the only way to split the capsule. As I said before, this was the only way I was able to quit. It is a bit of a slow torture as you are constantly experiencing withdrawals but they are not as bad as when you quit cold turkey. You should also lower all your expectations about how you’ll feel for the entire first year. In my opinion, quitting is hard but staying sober is even harder. You have to trust the process and know that the first year you’ll have very few good days but it’ll get better. Good luck!
  14. Last week
  15. Ok thank you for being kind about it. I can easily go off topic so feel free to tell me “please stay on topic.” Are we in a sub forum now? I’m not old I am new to forums and sub forums . If I have a folder in a file cabinet like this: INSURANCE- main folder CAR INSURANCE - sub folder PET INSURANCE - sub folder Is this how the forums work? thank you for your patience
  16. Why, exactly, does tapering "not work"?

    JennyF have you or can you share your plan? I just need it to wake up now. It doesn’t even help me focus anymore..I made a post the other day and I was just rambling and probably made no sense.. Cold Turkey was a disaster for me years ago. I didn’t even go to work and was fired for not showing up. Zero motivation then I would drink alcohol and sneak onto golf courses at 4:00 AM letting my dog run free and swim. Both times I went cold turkey I ended up homeless. If you can share that would be great
  17. When will I feel again?

    Thank you so much for that. It helps to know I am not alone in this. Patience is definitely key to this recovery and I have to give myself some grace I guess. I do know I don't ever want to see adderall again, I had no idea this was on the other side of quitting. Again thank you for your kind words and encouragement it means a lot!!
  18. When will I feel again?

    Thank you for sharing your story. It helps us all to hear from you. I am sorry you are suffering so much. You got 12 weeks after 6 years of low dosage and yet your brain seems to be reacting terribly to the quit. The more posts I see like this, the more it seems the dosage is not as significant as the length of time using. Your brain needs time to heal and I constantly tell myself it might take two years to get to a baseline of recovery. This drug really is scary because after using it for long periods of time, we all end up depleted and depressed. After 14 months, my wife convinced me to talk to a doctor about depression. I was reluctant becuase I thought it was just part of the recovery. But i started on Wellbutrin about 5 weeks ago and I do feel better. My mojo is low today, but the week before was great and I got lots done. You obviously had a terrible reaction to the Zoloft. Maybe ask your doctor about Wellbutrin? It seems to be the most effective medication as far as this forum goes. And understand the waves of PAWS during the first couple of years. Track your days with a journel. At 12 weeks, you are well on your way! You will get throught this. You are passing through. It is temporary. Acceptance is key. Accept your feelings, your moods, your depression as where your supposed to be. Let your family know it will take some time. For all intents and purposes, your on disability. You are healing. You should be at least 50% better by the time you get married. Maybe even 100%. Diet and exercise are critical. Dont eat bad mood foods.
  19. I tried to quit cold turkey several times and I always ended up going back to Adderall because I couldn’t handle the shock my body was in from stopping suddenly such high dose (about 60mg daily). I’m 15 months clean and the only way I was able to stop was by tapering VERY slowly and by the smallest amounts. I created a plan to taper down through several months and stuck to it. I think going ultra slow and being extremely patient is key. I believe that I was both dependent and addicted.
  20. Hey everyone, I've been looking at this forum for a couple of months now just for general info and reassurance purposes. I stopped taking my prescription of (5mg IR 2x daily) on August the 7th after having some anxious and depressive episodes and thinking the medication in general just wasn't working anymore. I stopped cold turkey. I have taken it for almost six years and took it as prescribed for the most part. There for the last couple of years I was starting to run out of my prescription early or taking 3 a day instead of the prescribed 2 pills. I know it's not a high dose but non the less it was becoming a problem and I was fully dependent. I never in a million years thought that withdrawal would be the nightmare that I have been living the past 12 weeks. I've been severely panicked, had obsessive thoughts that continuously loop, had dark intrusive thoughts, intrusive suicidal thoughts, thoughts that I wasn't real, fear, paranoia. Just all things bad in general, things you never thought the human mind could be capable of thinking let alone someone like me. I'm an optimist, happy, empathetic, compassionate. Now I feel nothing. I know just from reading your stories here that things will get better, but I feel so utterly defeated. I have three beautiful kids, an amazing fiance, and I feel so completely detached and emotionally numb towards them and it's absolutely killing me. I hate myself honestly, and don't know who I am anymore or who I was before this. My memory sucks, and quite honestly I feel like i'm going insane. I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person looking back at me and feel detached from myself. I've been talking to a psychologist for the past few weeks once a week and that helps momentarily until the negative intrusive thoughts come flooding back in. She assures me that what I'm going through is temporary and I'm in recovery and my brain is healing and me stopping cold turkey like I did kind of just put my brain into shock and depleted my serotonin. I'm getting married next October and could care less about it. I feel like an empty shell of a human being and this is not at all who I am. My therapist referred me to a psychiatrist who wanted to start me on Zoloft, needless to say I took it once and woke up that night with the most severe panic attack and what I could only described as the kind of nightmare you see in a horror film, for real thought something was after me, shaking, sweating, couldn't talk. It was horrific and obviously I'm scared to do take it again, just not worth it. I've lost all hope in myself and hope that things will get better, depression has hit pretty hard and I need things to turn around or I feel like I won't make it through this. Any tips or just encouraging words would so incredible.
  21. This is a great question. Tapering never worked for me, and maybe it does have to do with addiction vs dependence? My thing is I didn’t want to be miserable. I’d still be tired trying to taper and ALWAYS find a reason to just take another half. Cold turkey was the only thing that finally worked.
  22. When will I be normal again?

    Welcome to the forums! Both @SleepyStupid and @Sunbeams_findyou have shared some really good advice. If you quit for your baby's heath while you were pregnant and nursing, you should maintain that Quit so you can be fully present for your developing child as you are raising him. Post-partum depression, coupled with post adderall depression (you are still in your first year) is a double whammy so I can see why you are looking for some relief in the form of a familiar pill. You have already got the hardest part of your adderall recovery behind you. Perhaps you were not quite ready to quit when you became pregnant, but here you are, with almost a year off the drug. Seize that opportunity for a better life.
  23. Why, exactly, does tapering "not work"?

    Don't be shy about starting a new topic. If you have information or experience with adderall tolerance post it in this forum or over in the "tell your story" forum.
  24. Congratulations for your first year of freedom! One year is a huge milestone for so many things, and especially for kicking the addie habit. I wish you the best of luck living in Arizona. I share your wonderment of how I survived that awful addiction with my life and health intact, especially as an older user - I was 48 when I quit nine years ago.
  25. When will I be normal again?

    yes - you will definitely feel things again, in fact you will feel more things! but I think it's important to separate out the stuff that Adderall enjoyed, not you. for example: no one likes doing chores, but people seem to LOVE it while high! sorry to say - you'll never feel that way about mopping the floor again (but it's okay, no one does). "How do I make myself enjoy doing things again?" - you can't force it, but that certainly doesn't mean you should wait around to magically feel better. i've always believed in the effect of novelty: doing new and unknown things requires a bit more effort, but can spark interest faster than trying to get back into things you enjoyed while on Adderall. it works because with new activities, you have no point of reference to how it felt back on Adderall - there's no automatic comparison happening. feeling like you've lost yourself is scary - we've all been there. sometimes its helpful to think of this journey as one of "discovery" rather than "recovery". embrace novelty - this is a chance to discover a NEW version of you! (:
  26. hi @jp4revolt great to hear you've rediscovered the site - glad to have you back! yes, we can see your posts there's no toggle to make things public. you're free to post on any sub-forum you feel comfortable with - just try to keep it relevant and try not to hijack other members' topics. for what it's worth, you may have better luck engaging with with others here if you keep your posts more focused on help/recovery (that's what we're all here for).
  27. My New Puppy

    Love to Penney . Great pics. My photo was to large
  28. But this is the right thread to post this stuff right? I want to stay on topic in the off topic section. Lmao sorry.. I got it I think. But I’m not a newbie
  29. I forgot to copy the link but Diamond David Lee Roth can hold my attention for 3 hours..I can easily follow his random but orderly thoughts.. Ami Van Halen is my dog but some message said 501.7 size only so I can’t post the photo..drop down size makes the words small or large I have to make the photo smaller Back to normal size text and I found the link but now it won’t paste Joe Rogan 1256 on YouTube let me try that photo Didn’t work 124 small why would i Insert existing attachment If it was to big to attach? That’s weird . If I already attached it why insert it again . I joined this site in 2010 but I guess safari remembered the WRONG password. Even now the posts are several years old so I thought everyone bailed. I still don’t see many 2020 posts they all say 2017 or before.. i don’t want to make my photos smaller forever just to post here .. Just random stuff . Sorta serious but playing around earlier today I’m driving in my car and I hear sirens I’ll look in the rearview mirror and there’s an ambulance maybe about a quarter of mile back so people behind me are moving left and right in the ambulance is approaching super fast and I pretend like I’m in a high-speed police chase I start darting around you’re trying to drive the same speed does anybody else do this? Sorry this is just random stuff I’m just a waste time like this all the time just coming up with random stuff Seriously I’m like a roller coaster all day ups and downs. I want off of this stuff as you can see it doesn’t work anymore. i really am serious I must beat the orange devil. I’m glad I’m finally here so just bare with me until I get used to this forum deal. I’ve never been a forum kinda guy. I do remember when I joined and it gave me hope then.. Glad I’m here can people see this or do I have to make it public?
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