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  2. 20 months, what now?

    Congrats to 20 months! Awesome to hear good things from those who have made it this long! Tom or anyone else I am wondering about your “improvement in communication” with time and what what were your symptoms or your obstacles with communicating were in the past? I am now well over 6 months now an while anxiety and depression are much better I fight energy levels which I know is common. The part that worries me more is how forgetful I feel. Short term memory seems worse than ever and I struggle in conversations for bigger words and also sometimes just draw a a blank of what I was just about to say. This gets worse on long days as I just mentally fade and a lot of this is most obvious in conversations trying to keep up with others. So just wondered if this is at all what you meant or anything you experienced?
  3. I did try this once since quitting Adderall. It is basically Modafinil which in the US does require a prescription. You can order easily on line however. I read it is an alternative Med for ADHD however after taking it I fully agree with you. I had all the same symptoms you described plus was completely wiped out the following day. I would not advise anyone start taking this.
  4. 20 months, what now?

    I’m 42 but I feel like I am not very mature because I skipped all those years of growth and life hooked on Adderall. I guess my midlife crisis combined with Adderall withdrawal triggered all this existential crisis stuff. It’s just part of my life experience but something is different now, I think this is the long term recovery phase where I have to realize that this is as good as it gets. Sounds depressing I know, but I’m still very thankful to have gotten off of Adderall, because as boring and hard as life can be, at least I am living my life without the soul stealing drug. Adderall stole 5 years of my life so I guess I’m playing catch-up. I’m trying to apply all the lessons I’ve learned through addiction and recovery to improve my life and to share my experience so it can hopefully help others. On to 2 years next!
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  6. 20 months, what now?

    i think this is a really great observation, and it also makes sense why these types of thoughts and questions start to surface after some time. in the first year or so of recovery, you're mainly focused on beating PAWS, and everything in your life is viewed through the lens of recovery: "i don't enjoy my hobbies, because i'm still recovering", "i've gained so much weight, but i'm still recovering", etc. but once you get to around 2 years, it's different- you've been through enough recovery. you start to wonder "is this just what normal is now?" , "is this how i'm going to feel for the rest of my life?". i've definitely gotten to this point, and it's weird to accept that lots of people (who have never even touched a stimulant) have problems, and lose interest, and struggle with health. it's just kind of the human experience. and then you realize this. very well said (:
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  8. 20 months, what now?

    I just turned 32 this month. I think I used to question the meaning of life and what its all about as a teenager but throughout all of my 20's I was high on adderall so I never pondered big questions like that. I guess now that I've been sober for this long, I'm starting to wonder what my purpose is or what life I want to create for myself. I find myself thinking I'll live a happy and purposeful life "eventually" but I'm starting to realize eventually doesn't come, you have to make it happen.
  9. 20 months, what now?

    Interesting. I wonder how old you are? And if it also at a certain age range we start to wonder what it is all for? and about? I'm only at 5months and always struggled with that question and constantly searched for new things, jobs, locations and for the first time am still....difficult and challenging. The rest is definitely getting better. More good than bad. congrats on you all for your 20+ months.
  10. I've been trying several different Nootropics with varying degrees of success. I forgot I had order Modalert 200mg and took today. I'm approaching the 5month off Adderall mark and while I miss it, will never be on that crap again, nor any other psychiatric medications/drugs. Whew...was wondering what anyone else's experience were...are? There's no way this is a Nootropic in the sense that is doesn't cause harm...feels WAY TOO Adderall-like. And unfortunately I took 2.... Really odd, kind of helped remind me why Adderall was so bad for me, some of the physical side effects I got from Adderall I am experiencing with Modalert. Trouble with body temperature regulations, rapid heartbeat, jittery feeling, shaky hands. I may try just 200mg one day, but probably not soon .... Just curious if anyone else has any experience with...
  11. Promote Your Business with Digital Marketing

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  12. 20 months, what now?

    That makes three! My husband reached 20 months yesterday.
  13. 20 months, what now?

    I think I remember from old posts that we were pretty much on the same quitting timeline. I'll be at 20 months in two more days. I can definitely relate to having a lot of existential thoughts recently. I don't know if it comes from being sober and just thinking on a deeper level or what but I find myself asking what the meaning of all this is and what my specific purpose is etc etc. I also relate to exercise being one of the few things you enjoy. I love running and lifting weights now. I do it every morning at 5am and I find myself saying thats my favorite part of the day and everything else is just meh after that. I don't want to take for granite all the other positive things going on though, my depression has lifted, my anxiety is becoming less frequent and less intense. My natural energy has returned and also my ability to communicate with family and friends is improving with every month.
  14. I'm No Superman

    lol absolutely did the same thing. i have tape recordings of myself conducting an interview WITH MYSELF, using different voices, so I could listen back to it and hear what it would sound like to be a wildly popular musician i've listened back to those recordings, and it's brutal, cringy but hilarious. truer words were never said. i have TONS of notes, and ideas and half started projects littered around my hard drive from those days, but back then it felt great to just think and plan, rather than actually do. don't have the heart to delete it all, so instead i archived it. to be honest, many of them were actually pretty good ideas.. but when you're on adderall, there is no concept of "spreading yourself too thin". in the real world, there are only so many fucks to be given about things in life (: awesome to hear about your physical therapy board exams!! i was actually in school for Exercise Science with the intention of becoming a PT, but then i changed courses to finance and IT, so now now i'm developing physical therapy EMR software. it's a great industry, but regulated to hell (medicare doesn't make anything easy for us) lol
  15. Melatonin works for me too, like a charm.
  16. I'm No Superman

    Awesome post, that's the adderall experience right there. At least for me too. I was going to be a singer song writer maybe a famous dj too while breezing through a degree that demanded 40-50 hours a week from the smartest students on campus. Still trying to get back to reality but it's only been 9 months. Looking forward to getting this first year under my belt. Happy for you.
  17. I'm No Superman

    So I was at the gym yesterday doing an intense cardio session when the song "Handlebars" by Flobots came up on my playlist. It's a song that has a good cadence and flow to it - but I realized I never actually listened to the lyrics. So, I took the effort to listen to what the song was about, trying to discern the meaning behind the lyrics. I initially came to the conclusion that there was no meaning to the song and it was just a bunch of disjointed statements. However, upon closer inspection (and perhaps assigning my own experience to the lyrics), it began to make me reflect upon the progressive nature of my mental instability on Adderall and how I'm finally connected with reality now that I'm off the stuff. It starts off by saying how he can do things like "Ride his bike with no handlebars" and progressively becomes more absurd to the point where he can "End the planet in a holocaust", if he wanted to. When I first used Adderall, I viewed it like a key that unlocked my brain for the first time. Finally I was able to unleash who I was to the world! My social anxiety that plagued my social interactions for the first 22 years of my life vanished and I was given a boost of confidence that made me feel like I had control over my fate. This, as we all know and experienced, sets the stage for eventually, inevitably and invariably, spiraling out of control. My goals in life began to shift in a dramatic fashion.. to the extent to where they eventually began to depart from reality. Reflecting back on this makes me cringe because it made so my sense at the time. But this is the insidious nature of psychosis. These thoughts make absolute sense to the person going through the psychosis whereas the outside observer is thinking "this person has clearly lost their mind and I'm going to back away before I'm caught in this whirlwind of madness". When I first started using, I ditched the idea of becoming a physical therapist and wanted to become a doctor because it would allow me more control and freedom to do what I wanted to do (reasonable so far). But I didn't want to become any doctor - I wanted to become a famous doctor - a doctor who was the leading authority on pain, nutrition, and overall wellness. I pictured myself going through TV interviews and perhaps having my own show. I found myself prepping what I would say at academic conferences where everyone would be gushing over my absolute brilliance (still have the word document on my old computer with what I would say). I've also been told I have a good sense of humor and wanted to become a stand up comedian as well.. on the side or something. So I began typing out ideas for what kind of shows I would create, something along the lines of Dave Chapelle's show with various skits, once I began to be noticed for my comedic talent. But wait, why stop there? What about society as a whole? The world needs to be rescued and my overarching intellectual brilliance is the cure. So I began to write ideas how I would run for public office and eventually become a prominent figure in Washington DC - a puppet master who was REALLY the guy in charge behind the scenes.. on top of being a world-renowned physician and famous hollywood comedian, of course. Know what's really funny about all that shit I wrote above? I thought of all of those delicious futures while sitting at my computer playing video games high on Adderall - doing nothing to actually progress towards these aspirations. After I finished my undergraduate degree, I took off a year to plan how to begin my worldly domination. I would pop enough Vyvanse (Or other stimulant medication) to give me that euphoric rush so I could feel invincible and write down all I was going to do with my life.. only to end up obsessing over some detail and researching it incessantly and eventually playing video games till I crashed. That's the thing about these stimulant medications though, they provide the FEELING of succeeding at something. You begin to exist in your own reality where you feel like you've accomplished all these great things already. It skips over the hard work and sacrifice it requires to get to these circumstances and instead allows you to feel the end result of accomplishing something great without actually doing anything. Fast forward to now. I'm now a physical therapist after passing my state board exam without Adderall (something I did not think I would be able to accomplish)!! I have a great job that pays very well and my relationships with the people in my inner circle have never been stronger. I'm finally reconnected with reality. One thing I've learned is I'm no superman - and this is a good... no... necessary step to moving forward in life. Any of the above-mentioned lifestyles I was dreaming about on Adderall in itself requires tons of hard work, sacrifice, and frankly luck to accomplish. I could not move forward in life while my mind was in an alternate reality. Thank you for reading.
  18. 20 months, what now?

    Happy New Year my recovery family! It’s been 20 months since I touched Adderall (sigh) and I am doing fine. I guess I’m back to normal life as far as I can tell and I don’t have that deep depression like from the first year anymore. It’s strange because I can remember that withdrawal was horrible and painful but I don’t know what it feels like anymore. I have a lot of existential thoughts lately and I also am really bored which is dangerous for me because of my addictive personality. The only thing that I enjoy doing is going running but it’s easy for me to procrastinate or blow it off because I guess I’m not that motivated naturally. I feel like life is just meh but there are moments where I get excited about stuff. I guess this is what normal life is like, instead of high on Adderall where the heavens open up when you clean your bathroom. The key takeaway is that at 20 months I feel like I am back to normal and I’m experiencing life and it’s 100% me. I still check into this site very often but not to cry for help so much as to check in because I know that I still need to be vigilant for the rest of my life. For those starting out, hang in there because it really is worth it. I can’t believe how far I’ve come and I’m so thankful for this community!
  19. My Story

    Thanks for sharing your story. I consider you lucky because you found your way here without having to go to a mental hospital like me. You are not alone in this journey of recovery and I assure you that things are a lot better without Adderall. But you have to pay your dues and fight like your life depends on it, because it does. Keep posting here with your updates and questions. This community is amazing and I promise you whatever you think you’re experiencing alone, you are not because someone here has gone through it and can give you insight and encouragement when you need it most. welcome to the club!
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    On fire.
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  24. My Story

    I used to do the same thing as you. I would quit for a couple months and then end up going back to the doctor and getting more, every time. The ONE thing that made my quit finally successful was to tell my doctor I was abusing Adderall and to never prescribe it to me again. Then, there was no going back. You have to make up your mind and you have to just DO IT. Your doctor legally can't tell your parents, it is strictly confidential information and he is not allowed to tell anyone. You can let him know that this a concern of yours, and I'm sure he will assure you that it is strictly confidential. I always made excuses as to why I was afraid to cut off my doctor too. But honestly, it felt SO good when I finally did it. You got this!
  25. My Story

    absolutely this. i have no desire anymore to be a professional songwriter, but my goal now is simply to get back to a point where i enjoy doing it just for me. it' a surprisingly tough goal, because adderall changes how you perceive and approach your passions and hobbies. towards the end, it was more about proving to the world my ability, it stopped being fun. i have to imagine that being pro-athlete level means your level of fitness and discipline is MORE than enough to shed a few pounds if you want, even if you're not actively playing. you of all people definitely don't need adderall for that! this might sound a little blunt (and kind of the opposite of the deep reason i suggested before) but it is more or less true: the main reason we keep coming back to the pill is simply because we miss getting high. everything else is a twisted rationalization to do it. when you shed all that rationalization, and accept it for what it is, you kind of demonize it internally. i think it's easier to say "i will not be a fucking drug addict anymore" vs. "i'll try to be successful without adderall". these are technically the same statement, but in my mind, one is much more powerful than the other (:
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  27. My Story

    haha thanks man, I guess I'm just in a slump because for the first six months I forced my self to go out with friends and it was just shitty and for the last couple months I've just been like fuck it I'm fucked but yeah man I guess I need to try to pick the positivity back up and just say what the fuck ever and if I make a fool of my self let it go. I never gave a shit before adderall and try to remind myself that but for some reason I do now after whatever I did to my brain. Anyways man hope you stay on here and things go well for you, a team sport will definitely help in recovery.
  28. My Story

    First off, thank you all for responding! I've really felt a bit abandoned at time and I truly believe that now that I am on this site that it's setting me up to finally succeed in getting off this shit. I will try to become an active user on this site because I feel like a lot of people in today's generation are reading the messages that we are writing on here but will take some time to come out of the woods and put themselves out there like we all have. @RockbottomIn the country my parents were born in they call it football @sleepystupid I can't even imagine trying to be the creative genius that you need to be in pursuing music while doped up on this stuff! I've found that even though I never reached my ultimate dream, as time goes on, our dreams change and our goals become attainable. Also, you are absolutely right that things do not change with the next script! But yes, I definitely have accomplished 80% of the battle but I do not want to fool anybody that I never experienced any of those things. For the first 6 months or so after my initial quit (even though I relapsed for about 3 days during that time), my life was absolutely hell. Everything was a drag and I just felt like the world was closing in on me through the crippling anxiety and mountainous depression. At about that same 6 month mark I also decided to get back into sport, just in a different capacity. I started coaching a team of 8 year olds in Maryland and I can genuinely tell you that those girls have taught me so much more about life than I could ever teach them about sport. Their carefree way of living and their positive energy is one of the things that is absolutely driving me to still get clean as I am still working with them. One of the reasons I feel like I continue to go back to using is because of my body. I put on about 15 pounds after my quit and even though I do not look or feel bigger in any capacity, I don't feel like myself. That's one of the ways I justify taking it again in my head: "Just take it for a week and work out and you'll go back down 10 pounds at the drop of a hat". Unfortunately, what I tell myself works! But then again, at that point I haven't slept for 4 days, my anxiety is fucking astronomical, I become anti-social, and I know as soon as I quit that everything will pile right back on While that is one of the reasons, I know in my heart that you are right and there is something bigger that is haunting me in a way that drives me to justify taking a pill again. I just need to cut off my source and I know that I would never even consider the idea of swallowing a piece of hell again. @SeanW Bro, you are not permanently fucked! I'm not sure if you have or not already but please go back and read some of the OG's of this forum like the story of @Greg. This dude took 2 years to get off his couch and feel totally normal again! Go back and read some of @Frank B's posts from when he first quit! His mind was juggled and you could read it in his post but this dude has made such a great recovery that it should only give you hope! Keep on going, Frank. You are only at 9 months, bro. Just keep moving forward. This also might be counterintuitive to what other people have told you but I would just challenge you to go out and make a fucking fool of yourself trying to talk to people (it doesn't need to people people you know). If your girl left you, download tinder and swipe right a million times to just get used to talking to people again! Haha! The only way your brain is going to heal itself is if you go out and try to heal it! It needs to be challenged in order to form those neural connections again - it's really fucking incredible how it works! I was definitely in that crazy awkward stage for the first months after I quit as well. The more positive you are the smoother your recovery will become. Also, playing sport on this shit is fucked up, man! I can't believe we both challenged ourselves for so long athletically while relying on this shit. I can tell you for fact from personal experience that this shit is passed around like Aleve on game days in professional locker rooms. How fucked up is that? This drug is a way bigger problem than anybody ever portrays it to be.
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