Speeder906

Offically cutting the cord

7 posts in this topic

So I just sent an email to my psych to tell her that I am discontinuing adderall. I've tried to ask to stop in the past but when I am in the room with her I just tense up and accept an up in dose or whatever she wants to try. I didn't get into specifics or the extent to my use but I am hoping this is going to be the end of this hell that taking adderall for the last couple years has sent me to.I wouldn't get to see her for a few months in person so the most immediate way to do this just seemed to be by email which is better because I actually don't think I could have said it to her face. Every time I'd use all my supply I would count the days until I could order another refill even if I was happier being off the adderall which is the most defeating part of all this. I am hoping that since my psych is aware that I am going to stop she will either make it impossible to submit a refill request or she'd simply decline it if I broke down and tried to get another refill later this month. I've taken my month's supply in 3-4 days and I am just about out of pills and I know when I am off adderall I will try to convince myself that I can control myself the next refill. I'll probably tell myself lies about why it's helpful and just ignore the negative side of this drug.

 

 

Anyways, I don't have anyone who I can talk to especially about this subject, so that's why I'm even posting this. Hoping for the best from this moment forward :)

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Wow that's one way to do it nice you can contact your psych by email mine had to call the office leave message with the nurse. Feel free to post here often contact me direct if you feel the need I'm not a counselor by any means but know support is a big tool in this battle.  

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On 3/1/2017 at 5:32 PM, Speeder906 said:

So I just sent an email to my psych to tell her that I am discontinuing adderall. I've tried to ask to stop in the past but when I am in the room with her I just tense up and accept an up in dose or whatever she wants to try. I didn't get into specifics or the extent to my use but I am hoping this is going to be the end of this hell that taking adderall for the last couple years has sent me to.I wouldn't get to see her for a few months in person so the most immediate way to do this just seemed to be by email which is better because I actually don't think I could have said it to her face. Every time I'd use all my supply I would count the days until I could order another refill even if I was happier being off the adderall which is the most defeating part of all this. I am hoping that since my psych is aware that I am going to stop she will either make it impossible to submit a refill request or she'd simply decline it if I broke down and tried to get another refill later this month. I've taken my month's supply in 3-4 days and I am just about out of pills and I know when I am off adderall I will try to convince myself that I can control myself the next refill. I'll probably tell myself lies about why it's helpful and just ignore the negative side of this drug.

 

 

Anyways, I don't have anyone who I can talk to especially about this subject, so that's why I'm even posting this. Hoping for the best from this moment forward :)

I would count the days too until my refill! I had to get a new calendar because there are all these numbers on it from my countdowns until I got my pills. I also would use up the month supply in 3-4 days, and then basically freak out crying because I had no idea how I would get through the rest of the month. It is so nice not having to deal with that anymore. Good job sending that e-mail!

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Good for you! Best thing you could've done. Wish I could do the same. 

Counting down days till your script is awful. In the worst of times of my addiction I used to make calenders and have the days marked — when I could call to request my refill, the first possible day I might be able to pick it up, and the last possible day I would pick it up. It was sick. 

You really don't realize how crazy you were until you get a few months of sobriety under your belt. At least I didn't. 

I can't believe I talked myself into getting back on this awful drug. 

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6 hours ago, KimRelli said:

Good for you! Best thing you could've done. Wish I could do the same. 

Counting down days till your script is awful. In the worst of times of my addiction I used to make calenders and have the days marked — when I could call to request my refill, the first possible day I might be able to pick it up, and the last possible day I would pick it up. It was sick. 

You really don't realize how crazy you were until you get a few months of sobriety under your belt. At least I didn't. 

I can't believe I talked myself into getting back on this awful drug. 

Literally sat here before logging in thinking about how to undo all this and get a refill thinking I could do better this next time around until I read this and your other thread on here.. Made me realize the hell I was potentially putting myself through again, but not again. It's crazy how up until now I was only thinking about the 'benefits' taking addy again would give me. Not thinking about my past behavior. Thank you for that! 

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Too bad we only remember the good times, well what we thought were good times. But really, is it ever really fun? Are you ever smiling when you're on it? Maybe that first day when you go pick up your script but every day after you're just in zombie mode till it starts all over again. 

At this point the biggest high and euphoria you get from this drug is the day you get it refilled — before you even take it! I'll usually drive to my doctor's office and then to the pharmacy, with happy songs blasting from my car radio. I'll occasionally let out a giddy woo-hoo! the moment the script is in my hand. But fast forward twelve hours later — you'll find me nervously pacing in my kitchen, wondering when that little thud I feel in my heart every half hour or so is going to kill me. And when I'm not busy being that dramatic you'll find me either chain smoking outside or playing a mindless Facebook game for hours on end. Oh, and after that fun I can always organize the DVD shelves again. 

Geeze. Adderall sucks. <_<

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Oh God! Thank you for reaching out and posting and for all the replies. I've been a speeder too. And I could have wrote your post verbatim as it is so similar to my experience. 

 

I was diagnosed extreme to severe ADHD in 2010 and took Dexedrine and then was prescribed Vyvanse by a GP who calls himself an Addiction/ADHD specialist. However, my addiction to a Vyvanse is my responsibility and I cannot blame my pill pusher doc with a napoleon complex. I am an addict and an alcoholic. I joined AA July 11, 1989 and was completely clean and sober until April 2007. I drank for ten months which ended in me returning to cocaine for a month until going back to AA March 7, 2008. Two years completely clean and sober and then the Dexedrine prescription entered my life. 

I found this website in September 2015 and have found it is the only tool where I could find stories from people who have suffered from this insidious addiction to prescription stimulants. Since September 2015 I have repeatedly binged through my prescription and then would quit cold turkey lasting anywhere from three to five weeks only to cave and start again . Always thinking, this time it is going to be different and I will take it as prescribed. I have eleven days right now. My doctor had prescribed 120 mgs of Vyvanse daily - I know off the charts for sure. I went through three months of that in a month and a half this last time.  

I was a single parent to four children and I have gone from hero in my kid's eyes to embarrassing loser due to my addiction to Vyvanse. 

I have a three month refill waiting at the pharmacy for me, ready to be released beginning of May. 

The one thing I never did, and knew, from what I have read on this site, is imperative to do is to cut off my supply. 

The similarity that blew me away was sending the email due to knowing you would find it difficult to tell this to your psych face to face. I am assuming you are male, but I may be wrong. And so what I found remarkable is that I thought the reason I couldn't challenge my doc face to face was that I was a people pleaser codependent female, with a little girl lost complex and this doctor is pretty dynamic, somewhat arrogant and attractive and I was playing into that dynamic and thus the reason I couldn't say something to his face. But perhaps this fear of stating my choice of stopping the prescription is not a gender biased thing and possibly it is fairly universal amongst prescription stimulant addicts. 

I have been sleeping and eating and binging on Netflix, my space filled with my family storage unit I emptied into what is now an empty nest 400 square foot apartment.    Super frustrated with no energy, not much of a life and mourning the energy and skinny body I had on the meds. This is such a hard journey. I am bored, depressed and also frustrated with how my resolve wears down as the weeks off pile up. It's a vicious addiction and cycle and I just want to stay stopped but also have vibrant, natural energy and health and enough energy to exercise and build an interesting life. Right now I am sloth woman, currently on episode 8 season 2 of the Netflix series Love and at least, totally relating to the Mickey character and her tenuous early sobriety. 

I feel pathetic and like a loser because I'm so low energy and barely doing anything. I need to somehow get into an attitude of gratitude for attempting this super human thing of getting off all those stimulants cold turkey, with the goal of staying off, even if that bright light has dimmed - I can still see it and am still dedicated to it no matter how weak I feel. 

You know all those AA/NA fear acronyms? What keeps going through my head this time as I lament the lack of energy and a wistful thought for the energy and high I got from Vyvanse pops into my head over these past eleven days is this: Vyvanse aka FEAR - False Energy Appearing Real. 

Thank you again Speeder for being here, for having the courage - and man, the worst thing is not having anyone in my life, or anyone I have met in AA over the years that I can talk about this stuff to. The damage I've done to my mind, body and emotions and the withdrawal symptoms, I find are unique to coming off stimulants and you, everyone here, -and the website founder, are a Godsend. 

Sossi

 

 

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