TLNJ2

About One Year Addy Free

9 posts in this topic

Hello all, 

Like many of you on here, I have been obsessed with understanding why I have been feeling the way that I have since I decided to come off adderall. I am a 29 YO male and I was prescribed 60 10mg addy a month. I never abused them, usually took 5 mg at a time, or as needed. Like everyone I felt invincible on them. I would definitely say I was not addicted, but definitely built up a tendency. I could go a day or two without them, went on multiple vacations of 7-10 days and didn't bring them with me. No problems there. Didn't need to take them as soon as I woke up. The first few weeks I actually didn't feel any physical symptoms, except maybe a little less motivation and tiredness. Nothing too bad. I quit around December 7th and on Christmas Eve '17 I was in the emergency room because I thought I was having a heart attack. Turned out to be the first anxiety attack of my life. 

Flash forward 13 months and here I am, still experiencing PAWS. My anxiety comes and goes as far as frequency and severeness. I have been taking CBD oil pretty regularly and I will say that there are times that it works and others that it doesn't. When they say it is a roller coaster of emotions, that is exactly how it is for me. I will start to feel "normal" like myself again for a month or two, and then out of nowhere I will start to feel panic and constant anxiety. It's horrible. Then comes the anhedonia. This is the worst. I have it right now. I just got back from a trip to Myrtle Beach with a bunch of friends for a big softball tournament. The weekend was up and down with anxiety, but for the most part I couldn't enjoy much of the trip. I love to play softball, we had a huge come back win in our first game and everyone was so excited. In my mind I was too, but I did not feel any happiness. I guess scientifically I am "depressed" although I do not feel sad, just frustrated that I'm still feeling this after 13 months. I also had just about every other psychological symptoms that come with adderall PAWS.

I was also around adderalll and cocaine all weekend. Guys were doing it recreationally. I had no cravings or desire to do either one. I will admit that I have done coke 3 times since I quit adderall, all three times were during a night drinking with friends and it was one very small line each time. When I saw a drug addiction psychologist back in the spring, he had told me that if I take adderall again, it will reopen the paths of my brain that are trying to recover from the few years of adderall use. Anyone have any idea if this could be a reason why my PAWS is back and pretty brutal at the moment. Not as bad as it was early on, but still enough to not allow me to enjoy or go about my days. 

When you feel good for a few weeks you think you're in the clear, and then when it comes back, you feel like you're back stuck in this rutt with no way out. 

I am new to this forum, so I have only had a chance to read a few of your stories, but many are similar. I would say that the things that help me the most are trying to stay positive even though sometimes it feels impossible and the world will end. Also, find someone you can talk to about what you're going through. Luckily I have a good support system with family and friends. I know multiple people who have recovered from opiate addictions and they are all better now after putting in the time and trusting the process. Meditation has helped in the past, I need to start doing it again. 

Anyone on here take a similar dose/time frame and can tell me about how long it took them to mostly stop feeling these horrible effects of PAWS? 

5-20 mg straight release a day(most days, not every)/roughly 4 years on the meds. I am now 13 months adderall free. 

Thanks in advance for reading and replying. We are all in this together and if anyone needs to talk I am here. I always find just talking about it always makes me feel better, at least temporarily. 

 

-TL 

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Hello TLNJ2 and welcome to the forum! 

I took very similar doesage to yours and about the same time except I stopped after 2yrs and then went back for nearly 2 more. I am now at about 18mo and can tell you I feel the same way. December for instance I was feeling pretty good almost myself and now I am feeling like crap again. I can say that this used to happen in waves of days and now it is in weeks so the ups and downs are further apart. However even when feeling decent I find little pleasure or interest in things overall. I also have difficulty concentrating or being interested in meaningless conversation. People ask about my kids or family and I’ll talk to them however hours later I realize I just did what I had to do to get thru the conversation and never expressed interest in them or asked about their family... It’s like nothing interests me and in ways I really don’t care however deep down I do... I could go on however thats what I have been dwelling lately... stay strong and keep posting. We are all here to help eachother! 

 

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I know in my younger days going out with friends at the end of the night doing a little blow was a common theme. Things have changed a friends brother of mine just died from doing cocaine laced with Fentanyl. Not that cocaine was ever safe but now your sort of playing Russian roulette never knowing what’s in it hope your friends realize the risk. But that’s cool to do softball tournaments always love playing and still feel just maybe that a mlb scout is checking out the softball beer league and will be impressed lol. 

 Anyways congrats on one year for me it was hard really wanting to see daily progress but just having ups and downs. I took a lot more than you for a lot longer plus was doing pain pills. But appears even people who did small doses for short periods of time still have issues after one year. Unlike most people personally I have not had a ton of anxiety I feel the first year I did once in awhile mostly in  large stores like Lowe’s I feel it was associated with the fluorescent lights for some reason. I did pick up along with many more supplements one called lithium orotate, it seemed to help at the time but then again could have been a placebo effect. You might check it out basically the claim is we no longer receive lithium are bodies need because of filtered water. It’s a natural mineral the body is missing and without it we can have issues like anxiety. Do not get it confused with prescription lithium which is very concentrated it’s completely different. Wish I had more words of wisdom but seems we are all in this together trying are best to get back to a baseline level and seems besides the obvious exercise and diet time alone is the biggest factor for recovery. 

 

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Congrats on 13 months free from Adderall @TLNJ2, that’s awesome. PAWS really started to ease up around 7 months for me. That’s when I started having more good days than bad. In my opinion the best thing you can do for PAWS is go completely sober for a while. Don’t think of it as something you need to do forever; it should really help you feel better right now. Doing other drugs and drinking introduces unnatural highs and lows that mess with your mood, energy, cognition, etc.. 

I don’t think any of us has to tell you coke is a bad idea, but I want to add something to think about. Alcohol + Cocaine = Cocaethyline. Cocaethyline can stop a healthy heart and is one of the leading causes of drug fatalities. It’s not worth it.

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16 minutes ago, DrewK15 said:

Congrats on 13 months free from Adderall @TLNJ2, that’s awesome. PAWS really started to ease up around 7 months for me. That’s when I started having more good days than bad. In my opinion the best thing you can do for PAWS is go completely sober for a while. Don’t think of it as something you need to do forever; it should really help you feel better right now. Doing other drugs and drinking introduces unnatural highs and lows that mess with your mood, energy, cognition, etc.. 

I don’t think any of us has to tell you coke is a bad idea, but I want to add something to think about. Alcohol + Cocaine = Cocaethyline. Cocaethyline can stop a healthy heart and is one of the leading causes of drug fatalities. It’s not worth it.

Hey Drew, Thanks for the response. I totally agree with you. I was around it all weekend and had no desire to do so. Like I said I have only done it maybe 6 or 7 times in my life, all one line and done when I was drinking. The only thing is did for me was sober me up a bit. But besides that I have drank a handful of times since I've been off the adderall, no cravings for adderall while drinking. Maybe drink 2 to 3 times a month. I've been mostly sober this entire time. I was just wondering if by doing the coke it made me go back to square one of my recovery from PAWS. I definitely have more good days then bad now, it comes in about 2 to 3 weeks of bad followed by 2 months of good with minor anxiety. Today seems to be a bit better. Thanks for checking in. 

 

TL

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2 hours ago, Frank B said:

I know in my younger days going out with friends at the end of the night doing a little blow was a common theme. Things have changed a friends brother of mine just died from doing cocaine laced with Fentanyl. Not that cocaine was ever safe but now your sort of playing Russian roulette never knowing what’s in it hope your friends realize the risk. But that’s cool to do softball tournaments always love playing and still feel just maybe that a mlb scout is checking out the softball beer league and will be impressed lol. 

 Anyways congrats on one year for me it was hard really wanting to see daily progress but just having ups and downs. I took a lot more than you for a lot longer plus was doing pain pills. But appears even people who did small doses for short periods of time still have issues after one year. Unlike most people personally I have not had a ton of anxiety I feel the first year I did once in awhile mostly in  large stores like Lowe’s I feel it was associated with the fluorescent lights for some reason. I did pick up along with many more supplements one called lithium orotate, it seemed to help at the time but then again could have been a placebo effect. You might check it out basically the claim is we no longer receive lithium are bodies need because of filtered water. It’s a natural mineral the body is missing and without it we can have issues like anxiety. Do not get it confused with prescription lithium which is very concentrated it’s completely different. Wish I had more words of wisdom but seems we are all in this together trying are best to get back to a baseline level and seems besides the obvious exercise and diet time alone is the biggest factor for recovery. 

 

Thanks for your response Frank. Yeah I've only done coke maybe 5 or 6 times in my life, all spread out from college to now. Never really been into it. Been around it a ton being at parties and what not. Not sure why I did it these last few times. I was around it this weekend and had no urge to do it nor adderall. I just want to feel better and want these symptoms to manifest and begin to live a "normal" life. The worst thing for me is seeing people out or on t.v. at sporting events, ect. just having a good time and me wishing that I had not messed with my brain chemistry like this. I know that eventually everything will work itself back out, especially considering I was not abusing it at a high dose. Do you think by doing the cocaine those 3 times I went back to square one in my recovery? They were about 9-11 months after last adderall. 

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3 hours ago, EricP said:

Hello TLNJ2 and welcome to the forum! 

I took very similar doesage to yours and about the same time except I stopped after 2yrs and then went back for nearly 2 more. I am now at about 18mo and can tell you I feel the same way. December for instance I was feeling pretty good almost myself and now I am feeling like crap again. I can say that this used to happen in waves of days and now it is in weeks so the ups and downs are further apart. However even when feeling decent I find little pleasure or interest in things overall. I also have difficulty concentrating or being interested in meaningless conversation. People ask about my kids or family and I’ll talk to them however hours later I realize I just did what I had to do to get thru the conversation and never expressed interest in them or asked about their family... It’s like nothing interests me and in ways I really don’t care however deep down I do... I could go on however thats what I have been dwelling lately... stay strong and keep posting. We are all here to help eachother! 

 

Wow Eric, sound just like me. Although the only time I feel the anhedonia is when I am experiencing the effects of PAWS. I won't say I'm extremely stoked or completely numb, but I do feel a bit of pleasure as far as going out and doing things that I know I enjoy. I get what you mean though where deep down you know you feel something emotionally towards someone or something but you just feel numb to it. For example I love my family and my 3 year old godson. I know I love them but I feel no emotions towards them. When I go through the PAWS I also have trouble remembering what I felt like a few weeks earlier when I thought I was past all of this. Everyday is a new day and I guess it is important to stay positive. I just wish I could have someone who has gone through what we are going through tell me that now they are completely PAWS symptom free after battling with the same demons we are today. 

 

TL

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6 minutes ago, TLNJ2 said:

Do you think by doing the cocaine those 3 times I went back to square one in my recovery?

no, not square one, but your addiction counselor is right regarding the pathways. something i truly believe about substance abuse in general is that once you know the feeling of something, you can't un-know it. "knowing" a feeling is probably a combination of the subjective memory of it, but also the activation of a pathway in a biological sense. i think with time that pathway closes up, but even reactivating it once for a brief period can potentially open up the flood gates.

this is all speculative. all this stuff is very subjective and there are tons of other factors that make peoples' experiences wildly different.

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23 hours ago, TLNJ2 said:

 I guess scientifically I am "depressed" although I do not feel sad, just frustrated that I'm still feeling this after 13 months. I also had just about every other psychological symptoms that come with adderall PAWS.

This was the hardest thing for me to understand about recovery.  I thought you had to feel sad and blue to be depressed.  I researched the symptoms of depression and realized that anxiety was a common effect of being depressed.  Throughout my recovery, I have become depressed a few times per year, usually lasting a week or two, but sometimes only for a few days.  I had to do some deep reflecting to realize that this was not merely a symptom of recovery, but something I have experienced my entire life.  Fortunately, my depression is mild and it goes away on its own.  I have found that L-tyrosine, vitamin D, St Johns Wort and /or fish oil usually help get me out of a slump. I noticed a plateau in my recovery around three years.  Drinking excessive alcohol is not helpful for depression and especially anxiety.   Depression and lack of motivation (another symptom of depression) is definitely the most common theme of amphetamine recovery.

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