imabuki

I tried......

9 posts in this topic

I was on Adderall for 10 years but a professional therapist directed me here and I thought it was the answer to all of my problems.  The thing is that things got worse.  I figured they would since I was on it for so long.  I gained weight but I also became more angry.  Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was less focused or the weight gain or both.  Anyway, that was in October of 2016.  I made 4 months and realized after spending an entire Saturday in bed and needing to get up to take my daughter somewhere that I was in no condition to be human that day (by the way, every day became harder and worse).  I always had the Adderall in the house because I knew I wouldn't take it but I had no choice that Sunday morning....I took it and had a great day and have been unable to stop since.  I told love ones of my plan but I just made their lives miserable.  I just wish I never started them to begin with.  I know I do not have the strength to endure another 4 months of hell like that again.  I guess I am wondering what you all did to kick it? 

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4 hours ago, imabuki said:

I know I do not have the strength to endure another 4 months of hell like that again.  

Bullshit!.  What's your alternative...to stay on Adderall the rest of your life??

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You have to know this can't last forever or you wouldn't be reaching out for help.  It will get easier, but the fairytale "30- 90 day" recovery that websites and therapisst tell us-- IS FALSE!  It's 1 yr to 3 years. You have two options quit or just get further into Adderall addiction. 

It will not get better. It just gets worse the longer you take Adderall. I was on for a total of 12 yrs. I feel your pain. Quit many times before I finally had to say enough. Push through every single day. Almost at 13 months clean now @four months I couldn't even see this far ahead.  I'm finally seeing the light. You are stronger than you think!

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On 2/21/2020 at 10:06 PM, m34 said:

Almost at 13 months clean now @four months I couldn't even see this far ahead.

^^^this.

"can't see the forest through the trees." there's a reason that's such a popular saying!

On 2/21/2020 at 3:16 PM, imabuki said:

I guess I am wondering what you all did to kick it? 

i think the main thing we all did was believing that we could get better. that is honestly the only thing you need to weather the storm that is time.

once you truly believe that you can recover with enough time, there are certainly some strategies and general best practices (eating well, exercise, etc) but there is no magic bullet. even switching over to other medication like Wellbutrin will only soften the edges slightly.

 

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I feel your pain so hard. The first year is a bitch. Set expectations low and be gentle on yourself. Spent a whole Saturday in bed? So what! You didn’t take adderall and that’s what you have to focus on. Gained some weight? That’s ok! Your body and mind are healing and a little (most likely temporary) weight gain is a small price to pay for a clean existence. Keep in mind while you are going through the withdrawal, that is not the real you. The real you is buried inside and everyday you get further away from adderall, the real you gets closer to the surface. I gained a ton of weight, slept SO DAMN MUCH, and like you, felt angry and grumpy and just generally pissed. But slowly it got better. I got control of my life little by little. It’s so worth it. Those years hooked on adderall I was living under this dark cloud. Even when i was struggling through withdrawal, I was happy that I was finally free of that crutch. You just have to do it. Every day make a promise to yourself to get through it without Adderall. AND definitely get that shit out of your house and cut off the supply. You can do this!!

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It’s only been a month+, so I’m not going to say I have kicked my vyvanse addiction yet. But after abusing the drug for 2 of the three years I took it, each month telling myself I’d quit, it took opening up to my wife 1000% about what I did. She was what made my final try to get off stick - she got me through not seeing my doctor for another script.  I also started to see my therapist again, and opened up to a family member who is a psychiatrist. They have been a godsend. 
 

living in the moment helps - just taking it one day at a time. I’ve had to learn to be okay with laying around all day, and hope that you are able to accept it’s just part of the process. 

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I really relate to this.  @quit-once, you said, "what's your alternative - stay on adderall forever?"  Please don't shame me here, but my gut honest answer at this moment in time is... "Yeah... would that really be so bad?"  I mean clearly I am on this site, so clearly I know that there are problems for me.  But my brain still keeps telling me that the problems are only because I keep misusing it (abusing it) and not just taking it as prescribed.  I am not arguing, I am looking for help.  I want to tip my ambivalence over the the other side.  I know how to help people overcome addictions - I do it for a living.  But this is so fucking insidious.  Because I relate so much to @imabuki.  One evening, I simply had to pack my entire family up to go to Savannah for my daughter's gymnastics meet that was happening the next morning.  I couldn't move.  I caved.  And OMG I got us packed and we drove the 6 hours there.  I haven't been able to stop since.  :(  I feel emotionally regulated when I'm taking it.  When I'm not, I feel crazy.  I'm sure it's withdrawal, but... do I need to go through it now?  Literally, these are the things that keep me from moving from contemplation/preparation into action.  Ugh.  Please don't shame me, I am so very sensitive to that.  I really am asking for honest thoughts.  I am insightful and curious and willing to call myself on my own bullshit.  Seriously.  Someone help me see why I need to stop!  Because I know that when the pain gets great enough we make change.  i don't want to have to wait for that!!  How do I stop when every single day feels like it will be okay if I do, and every single day feels like it won't be okay if I don't.  And I am not sure why it even matters in the long run....

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Honestly.. hell is what it is in the beginning of recovery. For me, i got to the point where what hell could be worse than the hell of the cycle of addiction i was in. nothing is a magic answer it is going to suck and you are going to be in bed. it will take TIME. but it is so worth it and you CAN do it. you just are going to have to decide to do it and really want to do it.  I was stuck where you are for a year. knowing i needed to quit but woke up with no energy so took them and had great days so kept taking them and so begins the cycle of hell. I am almost at 5 months and still am struggling every single day but I can tell you its better than being on adderall. you just gotta be ready to be done no matter what. start by getting rid of your stash they cant be in your home period. 

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I know, a part of me knows.  And another part of me tells myself that I just CAN'T be in bed for a week.  Like, I can't!  I have so many clients this week, in addition to trying to homeschool 4 kids!  I know this is an excuse.  I am scared.  I am afraid I can't tolerate it. 

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