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About clinx

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  1. Relapse after almost 6 years clean

    I was honest with my family. Thank you guys. You are so right. It’s now or ever. I sure as hell don’t want to continue this way for ever. I hate this stuff. I hate the withdrawal, but it is temporary. I’m hoping because this was a short binge I can feel somewhat normal pretty soon. This sucks I’m not going to lie. It took me like a year and a half last time to get into the groove of life. It was awful but worth it. I didn’t need drugs to function. I hate feeling like I have to take something to get stuff done
  2. After I quit adderall almost 6 years ago, I never thought I’d be here typing about a relapse. Crap. I started 2 months ago and told myself I needed it and wouldn’t abuse it. I started entertaining going back on because I just had a baby and the father has been cheating and leaving me alone to take care of him. Here I am out of my script a week and a half early with no sure intention of quitting. But I’m thinking I should make this break waiting for the next refill a permanent one. 2 months isn’t horrible, and I can still move forward. but I feel so awful. I’m tired and trying to take care of a newborn feeling like this is rough. I hate myself. I feel fat and lazy and idk why I did this to myself. I was so proud of my sober time. Now look at me.... looking for encouragement. I am really feeling low. And to anyone contemplating a relapse... don’t do it. It is NOT worth it one bit.
  3. 3 and 1/2 Years Adderall-Free

    Thank you so much.
  4. Hello everyone, Firstly, I want to apologize. I began coming to this site a little while after I began my journey of recovery, but haven't made much of an appearance. I want to apologize that I haven't been here to help encourage others as much as I'd like to. To be honest, that's one of the characteristics of the real me (Adderall-free)-- I tend to be extremely awful at answering people back. Hey, I guess many of you will understand this. I do hope this post will be an encouragement. I remember, around three years ago, reading some posts about those successful people who made it to 3+ years free of the drug. I wondered if it would be so pleasant to finally make it there. These people would say they could now go full days, even weeks, without thinking about Adderall. Could that REALLY be true? Because all I could think about at the time is what a pathetic loser I felt like, and that Adderall was the only way out. Although I know that everyone's journey will be different, I am happy to confirm that on my end it IS true. Sure, I get stressful times that come, and deadlines that always seem to be waving in my face. Those moments cause me to think about returning to Adderall, but they always fade. They never have the hold on me that they once did. Then I continue to get glorious weeks (even months) without a single consideration of Adderall. I know that those beautiful moments will just continue to grow, and I'll start to finally appreciate life. I began to wonder... what if I DID make the awful decision to return to the drug? What would it even do? Sure, maybe temporarily it would help me get some stuff done, but at what cost? We all know that feeling fades into anger and irritation. That one pill becomes seven. That sleep becomes a distant memory. That I'd either die on this, or start the recovery process ALL OVER AGAIN. I'm sorry, but that first 6 months off of Adderall was so awful and challenging, that it's motivation enough to never have to go through that again! I'm sure you all can agree. So for those of you in the beginning of your journey, it DOES get better. Just know that, and just keep going. What else does it look like to be Adderall-free for 3 and 1/2 years? I have a steady job-- my co-workers can actually rely on me. I can do all that my job requires of me (and then some) without a single stimulant. I know for the longest time in early recovery, I felt like I'd never be able to find a good job, or that I'd never be good at it if I did find one. I know many of you probably feel the same way, too. Don't feel bad, it took many, many months of unemployment and self-care time to get there. Thankfully, I was able to have that time. Don't give up. You ARE capable of that dream job, even without Adderall. I also can work out now, AFTER WORK, and then go home to get a good night's sleep. Some people may laugh like that's normal, but we know it's often taken for granted. Sometimes I reach the end of the day, and think WOW, I did all of that today without Adderall. Right at that moment, I find recovery is worth it. What's my biggest regret throughout the recovery process? I was way too hard on myself. Looking back, I felt lazy and pathetic when I went through my lethargic stages. WHY?! I was going through so much. Each day, I was mad at myself for being a failure. I truly wish I would have given myself some more credit. SERIOUSLY. If any of you are in that place where you are downing yourself, STOP. You will regret it one day. Because further on, you'll realize how awesome you are for getting through this, and how much you were actually fighting. Take it easy on yourself. Do something special for yourself for rewards when you hit important goals in recovery. Take the time you need to heal. YOU ARE WORTH IT! As usual, I can't take credit for all of my successes. I need to give glory to the Lord Jesus for saving me and giving me the strength to do this, and for giving me meaning and purpose in life. He truly is more than my Saviour, He's my Best Friend and biggest support! Praying you all stay strong in recovery, and realize how worth it you truly are (if you haven't already). <3
  5. No looking back

    Good to see this update! Stay strong. You can do it!
  6. 9 months clean update

    Congrats! It's so inspiring to hear your story and progress. I have crippling anxiety, too. You are not alone! I personally think my greatest motivation is not having to defend on a stupid bottle of pills to wake up every day. I can do it all on my own! What is your greatest motivation? Keep up the positivity!
  7. Two Year Check In

    Thank you! So much! 💗
  8. Two Year Check In

    Hey everyone! First, I'm warning that this post might be a little long (sorry), but wanted to give an update. Second, want to apologize for not visiting the site more often. I felt like it was a crucial time in my life to avoid anything that could trigger me, and that included coming here (just in case). The sad truth is that the bad symptoms of adderall actually trigger me significantly. Anyway, I finally made it to two years completely free of adderall. Since I quit, I finished my chemistry degree (with good grades might I add), and am living a pretty healthy lifestyle. So what is the difference in a another year? After one year of being sober, I felt like I still really just wanted to dwell on the "glorious" moments of being on the drug and miss all the confidence and energy I had while taking it. Not gonna lie, though, I still struggle to find energy to get through the day sometimes, but it's worth it. I started weight training and wondered why I'd ever need to take adderall again-- not that I ever needed it. Though I felt like I was becoming a better person, everything was actually falling apart. After the one year mark, I still had a lot of growing to do. After two years, I'm beginning to forget what I felt like on adderall. I used to reminisce the "alive" feeling my brain felt while on it, but now it's really hard to remember. Part of this scares me, but mostly I'm grateful to FINALLY feel like I'm leaving that part of my past behind. Sometimes I see people who I'm certain are taking stimulants, and part of me wants to be jealous, but I remember how long it took me to get here and I wouldn't jeopardize that for anything. I feel good, generally. I feel accomplished. I achieved many, many things these past two years all by myself! I never felt that kind of accomplishment on adderall. I think I really needed to graduate in order to prove to myself that I can do things apart from the drug. And do them really well! After graduation, I'm taking a BREAK. Many people are pushing me to get a job, but I don't think they realize I need some time off. I guess after the two year mark, that's what I'm really learning. To take it slow and easy on myself, and forget what other people might think. I feel like I keep pressuring myself to get all of these things done to prove to people that I'm not actually a lazy slob, but HEY, if my body is tired, I should give it a rest. That doesn't make me a lazy slob. So if there are any of you who who are under the two year mark, keep fighting because getting here (even though everyone's timeline will be different) is rewarding and encouraging. Adderall recovery is a long road, but I'm finally feeling the reward. Be kind to yourself. Quitting this drug is one of the hardest things anyone could ever experience, so do what you need to to stay encouraged (as long as it's healthy ). To those of you who are past the two year mark, thank you for being an encouragement to me and many others. I remember reading posts of those who made it to the two years and it gave me hope. Now that I'm here, I can really understand what you were going through. As I do in every post I make, I must attribute my success to the Lord Jesus-- without Him I wouldn't have made it through the first year, and definitely not the second! Stay strong everyone!
  9. Encouragement needed.

    Aww thank you So update: the girl in my class IS totally taking adderall now. She told me this when we were supposed to be studying for a quiz together . So I guess that will probably be one of the last times I do that because I don't want to be anywhere near it. Apparently her mom is pretty convinced that this is what her daughter needs. I don't know if it's necessarily that I want to ask her for some (because I really don't) as it is just wanting to stare at her on it. To watch the behaviors. Ugh. I was remembering the times before I knew what adderall was (because thankfully I was never put on it as a child or high school student), and how it never ever crossed my mind. Now I think about it every day. Hopefully this gets better. How is everyone else doing??
  10. Encouragement needed.

    Also yeah I talked to the girl in my class who was about to be on adderall, but I really could tell that I couldn't convince her not to take it so all i did was give her a warning and ask that she please educate herself on it before she takes it. Seeing as doctors never tell you how awful and addictive this stuff is!!
  11. Encouragement needed.

    Wow. Thank you. All of you. I've been looking around for a psychologist but haven't found one yet. I'm kind of nervous!! I was going to just forget about the whole thing and just try to deal with taking the exams in the classroom until I felt motivated and supported from these posts! Also I have to warn.... Lol. Since I've stopped taking adderall (and even while but worse now that I'm off), it takes all of my energy to get back to people. So sorry for taking a while to respond. Idk why. Even text messages. It's so bad. I read these posts every day but procrastinate on writing. Something I need to work on.
  12. posting when sad

    Glad you're posting. I'm sorry you're sad. I get those days, too. I actually took out a notecard today and started writing all of the reasons why I don't want to go back to adderall. The list kept growing and so did my positivity. Try to calm down about the financial situation and just take care of things step by tiny step. That's all we can do sometimes. Hang in there!! These days will pass and you will keep moving forward!
  13. Encouragement needed.

    Thank you both. You are so right doge-- if I even take one pill I'll just end up back where I began and I sure don't want to do that. And AlwaysAwesome yes that's a possibility I just honestly don't want to go to a doctor at all. I've been kind of afraid of them since I quit except once when I told them to take adderall off of my prescription list lol. I know I'll eventually have to get over this. BUT you won't believe this. The friend who told be about this option to take the tests at the library is in one of my classes which I had not long after I left this post. I ran into her a little before class and I asked her if she had to go get a diagnosis in order to be able to do that (just to see what all she had to do), and she told me that her psychiatrist IS RECOMMENDING HER TO TAKE ADDERALL. Mind you she has NO idea about my connection with the drug. I totally flipped and tried to warn her against it but I don't think it will work. It was so triggering but also angering because her psychiatrist told her that "her depression and anxiety are masked behind the ADHD" and apparently is really pushing her toward adderall. On top of some other meds she's taking for depression. What a load. This poor girl needs encouragement and support. NOT amphetamines. Her telling me about this really made me a little more motivated to stay on the right path too. I hope that if she does end up taking adderall that I am not tempted to ask her for any. Since I've quit, I've not had a connection with anyone taking it, talking about it, selling it, etc. So I've got to be careful.
  14. Hi everyone! So just in case-- I remind you all that I am now 16 months free of adderall. This is my second school year away from the drug, and it's been a real struggle lately. Here is where I'm at now- I have such bad anxiety that it actually has become an issue while taking exams. I saw my one friends got to take her exams in the library in a separate room with more time and I figured I should look into that because I left an entire section of my exam blank once and totally failed because I froze in anxiety. SO the lady tells me I have to get an actual diagnosis from a doctor and she proceeded to hand me the papers. You have the options to check off which things apply to your condition, so naturally there was a box for ADD and ADHD and which medication you are taking. I started going through my head how it was now a possibility to go to the doctor and do the same damage all over again. So here I am, like an idiot, trying to remember how awful adderall is. How eventually it won't even work and I will have to start recovery at some point if I go back to it unless i just die on it (which who wants to do that, right?). And in all seriousness I'm doing better in school than I was on it. But I want that alive and awake brain feeling. It's so hard to accept that it's gone. I feel like this point in my recovery is a slap in the face. Sorry for the anxious jabbering. Please help me stay on the right path! Thank you.
  15. Recovery Time- LONG

    Thank you ALL for the comments! Sorry I take long to respond. I actually check up on this site often but get BAD anxiety about replying-- anxiety being one of the worst parts of this recovery I think. I get overwhelmed about how to respond and then I just exit the page and distract myself. Ugh. So annoying. I know you all understand. Haha. This would be so hard without the support from you guys that are in the same boat that I am in. I can't believe it took me a year into recovery to find this forum. I think I tried to forget completely about adderall and couldn't even bring myself to google anything with the name in it LOL. I'm doing okay. In fact, I went way back to some of the older posts here and it made me realize that I do want recovery. Like really WANT recovery for the first time since I've been in recovery. I really really hate myself. I've struggled with self-hatred my whole life so I just never think that I'm worth anything-- even recovery. I know this sounds crazy, but I honestly stumbled into recovery when I got saved last year (I am a Christian now), and I just didn't go back to adderall after I finished my 90 pill prescription in a little over a week. I usually sat around waiting and basically dying for the next refill, but I just didn't go and get it that month. NOT saying this was easy or not totally my choice. I really wanted to be done with adderall once I realized I couldn't get out of bed and function without popping at least TWO pills. And I was seriously sick of not sleeping. So in the beginning I wanted it (and finally had the strength to do it thanks be to God), but now I feel like I'm actually striving for recovery. I want to be strong without it! That drug is SUCH a lie, and I am so happy that all of you are here fighting it too. You are all worth so much more than a life of adderall pill after adderall pill. Okay, so recovery takes long. But it's worth it and I finally believe that. Today, I was amazed that I got out of bed early this morning, ate breakfast, skipped the coffee (at least in the morning hehe), had energy, and got a lot of chores done before 1:00!! I NEVER thought I'd be able to do that again without taking adderall. I may not be where I want to be, but I'm getting there step by painfully slow step. Lol. Thanks for reminding me why I'm doing this awfully hard and uphill battle of adderall recovery!!