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About DC011381

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  1. How did you quit adderall taper or cold turkey?

    @Onedayatatime. I know this isn't going to make you feel better but you should be extremely proud of yourself for the amount of self control you have and continue to demonstrate. You always took exactly what your doctor prescribed for all that time - that is absolutely incredible! And the fact that you have never slipped back up while tapering - even with all the pain it is causing - is equally as incredible. Are you comfortable sharing why you made the decision to taper/quit? Are you sure quitting is what is best for you? The reason why I ask - just because my actions and personal experiences made it absolutely necessary for me to quit doesn't mean we assume everyone in the world needs to quit or not be on it. I don't think tapering vs cold turkey (or one specific tapering strategy vs another tapering strategy) is going to make a material difference. Unfortunately, the only way to beat this is time - exactly how much time is always unique to the individual. And during that time, there will be a significant amount of pain. And you are not alone. The only thing that may help is "expectations management." Unfortunately, the awful feelings you have are unavoidable. I was given the same advice and find it's helpful to expect these feelings, focus on managing them as opposed to alleviating them and eliminating any false hope of a quick fix or having them disappear. BUT, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And I am nowhere near the light. But I am better then I was 6 months ago and that gives me hope that these gradual (if often times unnoticeable) improvements will continue pushing me to the end of the tunnel
  2. @Subtracterall@BK99 I had my biggest cognitive accomplishment in the last 6 months today by far and away... I was able to complete 2/3 of a Lego project (ages 5+ kind) with my 5 year old son. BK I feel like our usage plus time in recovery are almost identical and you can we are always in the same emotional state. Still feel terrible but I think when looking at it from the beginning def some kind of improvement? Or maybe just getting more used to living with this level of depression and anxiety? I hope it's the former... @Subtracterall I accidentally mentioned you above and there is a bug that is not allowing me to erase it - sorry bout that
  3. @Subtracterall your words are encouraging and kind - really appreciate you
  4. @BK99. Simply put, I am right there with you. I just went to my first therapy appointment and was like "not sure what you can do unless you can repair my receptors and turn back on the dopamine and adrenalin."
  5. Is it worth visiting a Neurologist?

    Thanks (as always) for the kind support and great feedback. I really appreciate the energy and effort around all of your contributions. I am not going to make an appointment - just going to stay abstinent and keep muddeling through. My one specific question though just for fun - are the damage to dophamine receptors visible in a cat scan? Or is it like the CTE coming out of nfl players that is only visible once desceased? Additonally, I assume the amount of natural dophamine or adrenalin you are producing is not something measurable?
  6. Hi Everyone, Looking for some advice or opinions on scheduling an appointment with a neurologist. Quick background - my story is the same as everyone elses... I am 5 months clean after a decade of use and facing the exact same challenges (anhedonia/depression/anxiety) as the rest. From spending time on this forum, I now understand that I have brain damage that will take a long time to heal. Since I do have a brain disease, I was wondering if there is any value going to a neurologist? Can they conduct tests to understand the extent of the damage? Can they make recommendations to help in the healing process besides for staying clean and giving it time? Thanks!
  7. @BK99. Yes!!!!! So happy to hear that - it gives me hope... Been too depressed/anxious to write or contribute but I am still here with y'all
  8. @Mark S. Congrats on 8 months and it sounds like you've made significant progress. I woke up at 2 this morning and couldnt fall back asleep. I feel like I am so incredibly fucked. But must fight on - wife and kids and loving family and friends - must fight on...
  9. @sleepystupid thanks for the encouragement - really appreciate it. The timeline is really daunting but all of our lives are worth it... It's going to be a long year
  10. Yep - the thought of therapy does nothing for me because I have nothing to say - literally nothing. And I've been in therapy on and off in my life and never had a problem talking talking talking. Now I can't even talk. Like I was saying yesterday, I was in this wonderful rehab program and just sat there like a deer in headlights everyday. Listen BK - we have to push through and fight. For our families and loved ones. Our brains will heal - we can't give up. At 2:00 (1 hour and 15 minutes) I am going to run some errands. Let's check back in one hour and see if we can motivate each other to complete one task...
  11. I am right there with you BK... Same for me today as yesterday and basically everyday since quitting. I am giving myself 2 hours and then I am going to force myself to do some small errands - the smallest things are so difficult and it's so terrifying. I am sorry you are going through this as well - I just had no idea how badly I was ruining my brain. This drug ruined my life and : over 100 days clean and no positive signs anywhere in site.
  12. I recently graduated from an IOP program that I somehow managed to show up to everyday. But once the anhedonia set in, I got very little out of it. My normal self is really great in group settings and would normally get a lot out of these meetings or NA/AA. But all it did was make me super anxious and feel worse about myself. I actually get more comfort out of reading and writing on this forum then in the IOP program because I believe coming off of adderall is something so specific. I feel like I had nothing in common with a majority of people with other "primaries"- be it alcohol or opiates and other things. No one else had nearly the level of anhedonia I was experiencing and it made it hard for me to connect. My anhedonia is so bad that I don't really have cravings to drink, smoke pot or even take an addy. It's like I don't even recognize that I am in recovery or can even remotely work on myself "as addict" because the depression is just so all-consuming. Also, regarding weight gain, I am having the opposite problem. I am losing weight because I can barely get myself to eat. Showering, getting dressed - all of these things are difficult for me. I have a loving and supportive wife, two young children and a loving family. I need to keep muddling through for them. I did go to the gym today because I am really trying. I am 111 days sober and feel absolutely horrible. Just not sure how much more of this I can take. It is so fucking pathetic. @BK99 Wellburtin didn't help at all? I am really considering it because it has a little bit of stimulant - i am hoping that can help get the motor going? I feel you on just wanting to get off all drugs though. They put my on cyprexa which is a super strong mood stabilizer, but I asked to be tapered off which I am almost finished with.
  13. @BK99 We communicated earlier in this thread and I came back on today for some emotional support. I was glad to see you were still active here and congrats on almost hitting your century mark. Today is 110 days clean and I feel as horrible as ever. i've had no relief and am completely terrified that my brain will never begin producing dopamine again. I was abusing adderall for approximately 4 years but never taking more than 30 mgs a day at its worst and I never snorted or smoked it or anything like that. But my depression is (and has been over the last 3 months) a 10 out of 10. I find the mornings and daytime to be the worst with a little relief at night. I can't complete even the simplest of tasks and am letting my life completely fall apart around me.
  14. Hi BK 99, Thanks so much for your reply and for caring. I am with you in spirit. We have to get through this- it is worth it - our sober lives are worth it. But it sure does feel incredibly horrible in the moment. My wife is being incredibly supportive - everyone around me is giving me nothing but support. I have all these lucky things - like health insurance to fully cover my IOP, a supportive wife, immediate family, extended family and friends. But it does not take away the pain of the PAWS. The PAWS are hurting so much and it never feels like it is going to go away. However, there are times when I am distracted that I don't feel the PAWS that much and this gives me hope that there will be more of these times. I hope you are experiencing the same level of support from your loved ones and that you have an occasional break from the intensity of the PAWS.
  15. Hi, I am just about 60 days clean and experiencing my worst PAWS since quitting. I got clean after experiencing a psychotic break which landed me in the psychiatric ward of my local hospital for 7 days. I am now in an IOP for 3 hours every afternoon. I am the father of a 4 and 3 year old and I am scared out of my mind. I am just looking to reach out and connect with people in the same situation. I was abusing adderall for almost a decade and I am just coming to terms with the reality that my life is ruined. I can't do much of anything but I cannot just leave my wife and children high and dry. I am scared.