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About DC011381

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  1. Hey Aurora hang in there. I had such intense suicidal ideation in early recovery BUT IT GOES AWAY, I promise. I wouldn't have believed that if someone told me but with time it gets better! Dig in and with time things get better...
  2. You have all helped me

    Beautifully written. I am with you every step of the way - the intensity and timeline of your recovery matches mine to a T. As you already know from the forums - for long term users like ourselves, recovery takes at least 2 years. Life expectancy is like 85 so we have another 40 plus years! Two years is a no brainier trade-off and the hardest part is behind us. I am 15 months into recovery and going back to work finally starting this Monday. I have a wife and 2 kids and recovery put me out of work for 15 months. Am I "excited" about it - no, because I still suffer from anhedonia - but it's intensity has significantly decreased overtime. Is my personality "whole" again? Not at all - but SIGNIFICANT improvement over time - little by little.
  3. Hey @Lawyer. Welcome to the forums - you are in the right place. I am a professional in my late 30s with wife/kids and the way you write makes me feel like we are in a somewhat similar situations.. One thing is clear - you are very self aware and have a good grasp on your situation - the fact that you are able to feel joy and laughter and happiness after the acute stage is a GREAT sign... It means you are not too late... Honestly - I would do what you need to do to get on short term disability and then have the option of going on long term if you are still sick. That is in no way immoral and exactly what it's there for - you are going to be too sick to work and need to focus on your health. With 60% of your pay (tax free) hopefully you can keep afloat and even keep the option of returning to the job at some point. Sadly for me, at the end of my use I was so manic that I quit a perfectly good job with dillusional aspirations of self employment. I am 9 plus months clean and just now starting to look and interview for jobs. Feel free to reach out openly on the forum or privately if you want to connect more in depth.
  4. 15 Months (457 Days) Clean

    Congrats @DrewK15. Likewise your post gives me hope and I appreciate you taking the time to check in here! @eric hang in there buddy. Recovery is really hard but it's also so obvious that stim use simply won't help anything. As everyone on this forum will tell you - once you cross the line with the addy the honeymoon phase will not repeat itself. Stims are simply not an option despite how hard things are...
  5. NAD+ IV Therapy = Miracle

    I am going to try NAD+ either today or sometime this week. The depression is so strong that I can't imagine being able to "exaggerate" or feign positive feelings unless it really provides relief. Will report back - fingers crossed... Love to everyone regardless of where they are in the recovery process!
  6. THREE YEARS!!!!!

    First and most importantly, a big big congrats. Secondly, thanks so much for your words of encouragement and empathy - it is truly helpful - it will be 8 months for me on Monday...
  7. How did you quit adderall taper or cold turkey?

    @Onedayatatime. I know this isn't going to make you feel better but you should be extremely proud of yourself for the amount of self control you have and continue to demonstrate. You always took exactly what your doctor prescribed for all that time - that is absolutely incredible! And the fact that you have never slipped back up while tapering - even with all the pain it is causing - is equally as incredible. Are you comfortable sharing why you made the decision to taper/quit? Are you sure quitting is what is best for you? The reason why I ask - just because my actions and personal experiences made it absolutely necessary for me to quit doesn't mean we assume everyone in the world needs to quit or not be on it. I don't think tapering vs cold turkey (or one specific tapering strategy vs another tapering strategy) is going to make a material difference. Unfortunately, the only way to beat this is time - exactly how much time is always unique to the individual. And during that time, there will be a significant amount of pain. And you are not alone. The only thing that may help is "expectations management." Unfortunately, the awful feelings you have are unavoidable. I was given the same advice and find it's helpful to expect these feelings, focus on managing them as opposed to alleviating them and eliminating any false hope of a quick fix or having them disappear. BUT, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And I am nowhere near the light. But I am better then I was 6 months ago and that gives me hope that these gradual (if often times unnoticeable) improvements will continue pushing me to the end of the tunnel
  8. Is it worth visiting a Neurologist?

    Thanks (as always) for the kind support and great feedback. I really appreciate the energy and effort around all of your contributions. I am not going to make an appointment - just going to stay abstinent and keep muddeling through. My one specific question though just for fun - are the damage to dophamine receptors visible in a cat scan? Or is it like the CTE coming out of nfl players that is only visible once desceased? Additonally, I assume the amount of natural dophamine or adrenalin you are producing is not something measurable?
  9. Hi Everyone, Looking for some advice or opinions on scheduling an appointment with a neurologist. Quick background - my story is the same as everyone elses... I am 5 months clean after a decade of use and facing the exact same challenges (anhedonia/depression/anxiety) as the rest. From spending time on this forum, I now understand that I have brain damage that will take a long time to heal. Since I do have a brain disease, I was wondering if there is any value going to a neurologist? Can they conduct tests to understand the extent of the damage? Can they make recommendations to help in the healing process besides for staying clean and giving it time? Thanks!