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About LuLamb

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  1. I can't believe it's me...

    How are you now???
  2. Today is Day 30. I feel kinna settled into my new life without Adderall. I really hope my brain function improves and that I experience some benefit as my dopamine and neurotransmitter functions recover. The hardest part these days is feeling like I could close my eyes and fall asleep any time. Not that I would actually sleep or feel rested if I did, though! My eyes just feel so heavy and sleepy a lot of the time. I miss the rush of feeling my whole body and mind stimulated by the drugs kicking in. But beyond that, I don’t miss much. Mostly I feel sad and angry for the way I was on Adderall and for how it betrayed me...I reread the letter I wrote to my psychiatrist yesterday. I can’t believe that was only 30 days ago.
  3. Last week I took some of those 40mg I had found. And I did t like it so I threw the rest away. I felt really sad and angry. I was shocked by the effect they had on me: I felt anxious and irritated; rushed and impatient; all these aches and pains came on-like I got physically exhausted; I was afraid to be around people; I wanted to calm down but couldn’t. It was awful. I felt betrayed and duped. How did I come to imbue that shit with so much power? It was all an illusion. The good news is that now I have even more clarity about why I’ve quit. When I’m feeling “MEH”, I at least know that Adderall really wouldn’t help...
  4. It’s ok to be tired and to rest. It’s ok to say NO. It’s ok to fail. It’s ok to define success on your own terms. It’s ok to not be the smartest guy in the room. It’s ok to compete only with yourself. It’s ok to be an introvert in an extroverted world. It’s ok to love, accept, nourish, and care for the only wonderful, beautiful self you will ever have exactly as it is! HARUMPH!!!
  5. Today is Day 18. It’s going well. Overall, Adderall already seems like a long time ago. It’s very hard to believe that just a few weeks ago I was in the throes of abuse. It’s as if that was someone else. It’s truly hard to believe that not only was I that addict just a few weeks ago, but nearly every day prior to then for nearly a decade. It barely computes. Within the abuse it seemed impossible to consider life without Adderall. I was so afraid to give it up. I was so afraid that the shit would hit the fan IF I quit. But the opposite was true. I didn’t realize until after I had quit that the shit-show was the way I was operating ON ADDERALL. For a few years I had been thinking about the idea that part of a definition of addiction is whether or not your life has become unmanageable. I would ask myself if my life was unmanageable or not. Let’s just say that NOW my life has become MUCH MUCH MORE MANAGEABLE. And it’s shocking because everything seems SO much simpler than Adderall made it out to be. My boyfriend has been off nicotine for a month today, but he is really struggling and suffering a lot lately. I’m so glad that Adderall is not as readily available as nicotine is. I’m so glad I broke-up with my source. People talk about the importance of knowing WHY you got onto Adderall in the first place...for me the simple answer is that I thought I needed it in order to handle the demands of life. I thought I was inadequately equipped for the game of life, and that in order to keep up with what I thought I SHOULD be doing or how I SHOULD show up, I began looking for something that would quiet my TRUTH, because I believed it was the wrong truth, and besides, I didn’t know how to say, “NO!” to myself or to others, and when I found Adderall it made me feel not only like I could go along and get along, but that I could WIN and be the best at SHOWING UP - I could be the BEST at DOING what the world said I should be doing. I’ve seen documentaries about rock stars who talk about the challenging demands of things like touring and performing and how one day someone gave them a little pill to help them cope and how great it was- how it was the answer to their dilemma- until it wasn’t. Only in hindsight is it obvious that the only real antidote to this dilemma is to learn to say, “No. This doesn’t work for me. I’m tired and I need to rest and how that is for everybody else is out of my hands.”
  6. Today is Day 12 and I have a new motto: More Balls, Less Bullshit. I am noticing that I am thinking more clearly, even though my brain is still mushy. I think I’m realizing the false sense of confidence I had on Adderall and while I don’t *feel* particularly confident now, I am having more clarity about what the right thing to do is and am better able to be proactive about it.
  7. Thank you so much for this. It is quite challenging at times and I was reminded today when I looked back in my DayTimer that when I quit back in May I was too sick on Day 10 to go to work and I had to cancel all of my clients for the day. So even tho Day 10 this go-‘round was one of the more difficult day thus far, it was nowhere near as bad as May 18th was.
  8. I appreciate this. Its always been a slippery slope, why would it be any different now? (SIGH)... Today was Day 11. I didn’t see clients and i didn’t feel as bad as yesterday and I had a very good day in a quiet sort of way. I didn’t consider taking Adderall. It just was a thing I used to do...and I did t take my nonplussed less-than-optimal state personally. I just accepted it and went about living my big deal. ;-)
  9. Thank you. Always good to know I'm not alone. It's curious what is doable and what isn't. Surprisingly, my sessions with clients have been going well, and thankfully, I'm really really carefully considering how many peeps I schedule for myself in a day and week right now, so I don't over-do it. It's also curious how my body feels good - for example, I walked to work and back for lunch and I was running most of the way because I just wanted to and it was great. It's like the body is doing well, but the brain and eyes are gloppy and fuzzy. The other thing I'm finding helpful is that if I can make it to around 3:00, I know I won't use no matter how ka-ka-poo-ey I'm feeling.
  10. Correction: I don’t WANT to take some of the Adderall I found, but I do FEEL like taking some.
  11. Today is Day 10 and I couldn’t sleep last night. I just want to sleep -my eyelids are so heavy. But I have clients to see so I also want to take a skosh of one of the 20mg pills I had found stashed last week. My brain feels like mushy-mush...the weather is absolutely gorgeous and my boyfriend is being super supportive and he’s doing really well in his recovery from nicotine.
  12. Today is Day 9. My dog is back and I go back to work this morning. It'll be fine. Feeling super sluggish in the mornings. No amount of caffeine can touch it. In the afternoons and evenings I've been feeling pretty good. Yesterday I found myself making alot of "deals" with myself about using. "I am never going to get another Adderall prescription, but I do have those two 20mgs and I will save those for a special occasion and enjoy them. And after those two are gone, I can always get a few just to have on-hand if I like..." I am ok with these deals...because at the same time, I am finding myself definitely wanting to face/experience my life and various things Adderall-free. Yesterday I was going to meet a girlfriend for hot yoga. And I was anxious about how that would go, but I also knew I wanted to experience it Adderall-free. I realized, to my surprise, that exercising on Adderall was not so great. It scared me because my heart rate would get so high. And in the past week, I've been enjoying exercising without Adderall. I also had a coaching session last night - my 8th session, and it was the first time I had done it stone-cold sober. And it was the best session yet. These feel like important milestones on the recovery road. My four days off without my pup were really nice. I ended up doing alot more than laying on my couch. Mind you, I got alot of couch-time in, but I also got out and had alot of fun. Went for a nice long hike with my boyfriend Sunday and really enjoyed it, for example. I really isolated alot more than I realized when I was on Adderall. Many things that now do not feel IMPORTANT felt URGENT.
  13. Arrrgggghhhh!!!! It’s not that I want to use right now, it’s just that I feel inadequate and uncomfortable in my own skin right now. I’m going to a birthday party with my boyfriend at a bar for some friends of his I’ve never met. I tried on about ten different things and I just feel icky and hot and I want to go but I want to feel comfortable and I feel all kinds of not comfortable...I’m committed to not changing any more times and I’m committed to not using. I am going to drink, but I don’t have any alcohol at home so I’ll have to wait til I get to the bar, which is a god-awful like hour’s drive away in freaking traffic...I already feel “FAT” after only six days of actually eating again. I know that feeling “FAT” is not about my weight but more about feeling somehow not good enough. Here goes nothing -Wish me luck!
  14. Yes! Thank you! I see your point! The years on Adderall flew by and I cannot get them back ever. Wants vs Feelings: I do not want to be 6 days clean a year from now. I want to be a year and 6 days clean a year from now!!! I want to know me without and beyond Adderall. Even 6 days in I’m getting glimpses of the possibilities for having a real life of my own design. I’ve been feeling for years like I’m stuck and don’t know what I want and the reality is that that was because of Adderall - it’s been the elephant in the living room for SO LONG!!! To go back would be such a betrayal of ME!!!! I need to find more and more things that matter more to me than the false belief that Adderall matters at all EVER.
  15. One of the things I’m finding very motivating is that going back to Adderall would mean I’d use for awhile only to realize yet again how shitty life on Adderall actually is and hating myself for getting back on it and then having to go through the deliberations and agony of knowing I needed to quit but being tricked by the Adderall to stay on it and then eventually deciding to quit again and then having to go through all of this detoxing and withdrawing all over again. NO THANKS!!!!!