Rev&Rush Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 I've been taking Adderall for what I think may be 8 or 9 years. Seeing those words there is making my stomach turn... I'll start at the beginning I didn't begin taking this drug when I was in high school or collage (although, I could have really used the help...) I actually began taking this when I became a teacher. I was 2 or 3 years in as a primary (ages 6-8), classroom teacher in an urban area. I was overwhelmed, overworked and lost. At the insistence of my mother who was convinced I had some thyroid issue, I visited the doctor. While I sobbed in the Dr's office about my unwillingness to get out of bed to go to work, she nodded sympathetically and wrote a prescription for an antidepressant. She also referred me to an outpatient psychiatric clinic and so began my rollercoaster ride on a rainbow of pills… I honestly cannot sort out the chronology of medications, just that Adderall was always in there. There was that summer of XRs at a high dose and an antipsychotic to “take the edge†off. I cried a lot that summer. Then there was XRs in the am and IRs in the pm. For attention… to what? MY PILLOW!? Most recently, it’s IRs, Xanex, and Ambien. Ambien is a bitch, too. So is Xanex… However, I can’t say it was all bad. In the beginning, Adderall helped me become a more organized teacher, I was able to get my Master’s degree and manage a classroom of children who were so lost and in need of someone to be consistent and caring. I was that person, I was also full of energy and “fun!†It’s easy to be fun everyday when you are pumped full of amphetamines. I’d take it before work, on the way to work, at work, at home… To do grading, individualize instruction for struggling students, meet with parents later in the day, plan, organize, whenever I needed more time in the day. Then I’d be up all night, sobbing… You can do some serious psychological damage to yourself at 3 in the morning. Cut to 8 or 9 years later, and here I am. I feel like I’ve stalled my life. I'm still a teacher, it's a hard job, I'm still overworked, overtired and now I'm less organized. The more productive I am, the more gets thrown at me to do. No one can work like this, and no one should be expected to work like this. And I'm not going to take a pill to make me better at this anymore. It doesn't work. I’ve managed to get off the antidepressant (that was really tough, my brain felt like it was being electrocuted) and the Ambien (that little bitch,) but the Adderall, come on! And you know you need your Xanex for sleep… I’m 36 years old, married and I want to have a baby. Oh, and it turns out, my mother was right, I do have a thyroid problem. These years slipped by and I have to stop. I’ve reduced my dosage, only to up it again (cause I’m always counting the pills and I know I can take more.) I don’t blame anyone else for it. I take responsibility for it all, I lied. A lot. I’m not proud of that. It has to end now. Time is running out, I’m not getting any younger. And if I even think that I might have missed my chance to actually… Just to be super productive, just to take a little blue pill… I have to stop. I’m coming here to be accountable. I’m coming here because I need a new place to start. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 Great place to start! This place really is a life saver. I'm sorry about what seems like wasted years. At least you realize that it is time to make a change. First step is to stop taking the adderall. Having a baby is such a huge deal and you NEED to be sober for that. At least for me, i could never have a child on adderall. I feel so emotionally vacant and i have such little patience. I would not love that kid like it should be loved. So, my advice to you is flush the pills and keep posting on here. You'll get some great advice 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev&Rush Posted February 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 Thank you for that. I've tried to reduce, I've tried to ween, nothing works. All the other medications were prescribed, I feel, because of that edginess and anxiety that I feel when I take it. Then I take more Adderall. Cause that makes sense... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 I feel you, Rev&Rush..... I'm a teacher too and it's a TOUGH job. Makes adderall very compelling. It is a CRAPLOAD of work....lesson planning....keeping the kiddos engaged....being energetic and fun.......and the grading, OH MY........ It's a lot to stay on top of. Overworked and underpaid, stretched thin.....and we stay in it because we love it. If you weren't taking adderall, would you still have love for your job? I have a feeling that if you stop taking it you might find your natural love for teaching growing eventually, as your brain replenishes itself....because adderall just creates fake love, fake motivation, and it's so disgenuine and empty. You might also find your teaching style changing for the better... you have the chance to find out who YOU really are as a teacher! Ultimately, as hard as quitting is, and as backlogged as I ALWAYS am with grading and attendance management and all that stuff, I think I am a better teacher off adderall. I bet you are too. I think anyone is. It will enable you to connect with your students in a better way, it improves communication, it enables you to move more at their pace. I know it's hard though, especially mid-year. Do you truly WANT to quit? And also, is this the right time in your life to do so? Because you have to really want it... Hope to see you around here! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev&Rush Posted February 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 As I said, I'm using this as my place to start. Like everyone else, I've read the articles and other people's stories. I know in my normal, sober, non-sped up, invincible-feeling mind that staying here and talking honestly about what I've been up to will keep me motivated and accountable. But the draw to do just one more day, to just get everything straight before I cut myself off is so strong right now... and so stupid. What the hell is wrong with me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 Wow -- your story is similar to mine. I wasn't diagnosed with ADD until several years into my career. I also was a big-time pill counter. I would count them over and over again because as many times as I would count them I would always lose count ... I tried several times to wean but I couldn't do it. I had to reach the point of desperation where I trashed them out of paralyzing fear for my life. It wasn't until I stumbled onto this site that I realized how bad my "habit" had become. I read this site everyday to bust any denial that rears it's ugly head. Since quitting (4 weeks today!) I feel like I have integrity for the first time in a long time and it feels great. Stick around - you're in good company! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 Thank you for that. I've tried to reduce, I've tried to ween, nothing works. All the other medications were prescribed, I feel, because of that edginess and anxiety that I feel when I take it. Then I take more Adderall. Cause that makes sense... Doesn't make sense, but i did the same thing. I promise though, your life will be genuine and filled with real, happy, lasting memories once you're off the pills Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev&Rush Posted February 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 I need answers, advice, and just... I don't know... I just can't feel this uneasy all the time. My go-to way of dealing with this was to take another, and another, until my head felt like it was going to explode and I thought I was going to rip my arms off. It doesn't work, and yet I still do it. And there is STILL part of me that believe it has some clinical, therapeutic value and if I could only take it as prescribed then I'd be ok. I can use it just at work... I can just stop when I get pregnant. If I get pregnant... but that's another thread... Anyway, I can't take it at the right dose or alone, it's ALWAYS coupled with another med, and yet I still continue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 ... so you're an addict. You've admitted it at least to yourself. That's a big step forward. But time is only running out if you're thinking like an addict. Time is a wonderful thing when you're not hamstrung by amphetamine addiction. It means you can look forward to your future with hope, something that in the latter part of adderall, I think it takes away. You're only 36. Honestly, if you were 40, you'd be thinking "if only I'd quit when I was 36". It's not too late. You ALWAYS have tomorrow, a new day, with no mistakes in it yet, as my mother used to say. Do you have a plan to quit? It sounds like you're pretty desperate to give up, and I'd really encourage you to before you totally hate yourself (sounds like you're getting there already)... You've proven that you can be successful without adderall. Now you just need to believe in yourself again. We're here and we believe in you! ... and it doesn't matter if you're the teacher, the doctor, the pscyhologist or the student or child. Addiction is the great leveler. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FALCON Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 Hey welcome to the forum may I put my two cents in it sounds like you want to quit using addarall butt the question is how and when you work all day and grade papers at night if you go cold turkey you will not function at all and your co workers will see you are not well considering your long therm use of adderall you will not be Abel to function for for at least 7 to 10 days this is called your crash landing when your body no longer has that constant flow of addarall flowing crash landing it will be your most uncomfortable time there is no health risks you will jest feel like hell came knocking on your door you will sleep sleep and sleep you will be hungry moody have anxiety your mussels will hurt like you have the flu you will have depression . Butt all these symptoms are worth the week in hell you will then feel most of your discomfort lift the fog will clear away now you are in recovery and you will need to deal with the PAWS butt it is not as bad it sounds PAWS is at least something that you can control with supplements good food exercise man I hat that word it makes me tired to say exercise and good old fashion coffee red bull or any number of natural stimulants and suplaments .You have read our success stores on the quit addarall web site many of us went thru the discomforts of cold turkey we made it and we wear it like a bag of honer recovery can take up to 1 year our more but I promise you every day your clean it will get more easier you at least you will be abal to function without the adderall .So her is my two cents old school wisdom wait Intel you go on your spring brake this is when you will have the time to take care of you you and only you this is when the teacher has her time to crash land off the fucken addarall . If you have a trip planed out cancel it your well being and health is more important then a vocation at this time of your life yes you are right time is running out do you want to make a family and have a baby well you cant if you have a addictions go for it teacher make it your plan your goal to go off addeearll cold turkey on your spring brake and finally say good by to your long time friend adderall. Your new friend FALCON 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 Wow -- your story is similar to mine. I wasn't diagnosed with ADD until several years into my career. I also was a big-time pill counter. I would count them over and over again because as many times as I would count them I would always lose count ... I tried several times to wean but I couldn't do it. I had to reach the point of desperation where I trashed them out of paralyzing fear for my life. It wasn't until I stumbled onto this site that I realized how bad my "habit" had become. I read this site everyday to bust any denial that rears it's ugly head. Since quitting (4 weeks today!) I feel like I have integrity for the first time in a long time and it feels great. Stick around - you're in good company! Congratulations on 4 weeks adderall-free! That's a big accomplishment. Here's to another 4, and another 4, and another 4, and another 4, and another....you get my drift 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 I'm definitely one to advocate quitting the minute your mind is even considering it, because it's way too easy for time to fly by before you realize you want to quit again, but you do sound like you're in a difficult situation to quit. It's never going to be easy, ever, but how about Spring Break? It's coming up soon, and it will give you a week to crash, and although it's not peachy by any means after that, it's a week to get this poison out of your system. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev&Rush Posted February 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2013 Thank you all, again for your responses, and I'm going to repeat myself, so I am sorry. This is from another thread I wrote in earlier... Spring break is a week and a half away, except we call it mud week. That is hopefully where I will bear the brunt of this "detox." I'm getting my head around riding the couch that week, but I also want to get a head start on it in case it takes longer. I'm doing as much research as possible, trying not to take too much before and working out which day to begin. I'm thinking day one may be this Thursday or Friday. That gives me the weekend, one week at work and a week after for the worst. I'm also looking for the right supplements, movies, comfort foods, blankets and pillows for mud week. While other people are packing for their beach vacations I'll be packing for a week long couch ride. Anyway, I'm gearing up to gear down, I guess.... but a part of me is actually relieved that I can see an end in sight. That seems weird since I've done nothing, yet. Again, that is why I am here... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FALCON Posted February 6, 2013 Report Share Posted February 6, 2013 Rev&Rush Hay sister teacher you are making the best dissuasion to quit addarell during your brake man I am so happy for you.10 days will feel like forever butt believe me it is worth it your head will clear up like the sun after a rain storm trust this old man you will feel good you will go back to school a new you. FALCON 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jazzy7 Posted February 23, 2013 Report Share Posted February 23, 2013 I am a teacher too and going through this with you at the same time. Today is day 13 for me, and day 1 of vacation. I was thinking that I would quit for vacation but I really just couldn't wait that long! The first few days were hell, but I made it to school every day and on time for the last two weeks! We had curriculum night this week and Jump Rope for Heart. Two very big events I really didn't think I could make it through without my meds. I am now on vacation and spent the whole day today watching movies and cuddling with my pup! You can do it! Don't give up! I too have been using adderall for the last 10 years! I can relate to everything your saying and feeling. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev&Rush Posted February 26, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 26, 2013 Day 15. Just checking in. I'm ok. Tired & fat. But not popping pills. I'm off to get some sleep, my old friend. One more reason I'm happy I'm off. I can sleep, without having horrible anxiety dreams, without another handful of anxiety pills, without grinding my teeth. Sleep... With all my weird twisted dreams. Not always scary. Yawn. Good night. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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