I failed myself and relapsed

[oyvey]

I was doing well and not taking any pills for a little under a month and 2 weeks ago I started up again when i got into a severe depression. I took between 40mg-75 mg for about 10 days including today at 75mg. I cut myself off from my doctor so he wasn't an enabler. I'm disappointed in myself, and I'm quite honestly scared of the depression. I can live without all of it's so called benefits but I'm really scared about being at the lowest of the low emotionally. I have had some significant things happen in the past few weeks that really brought me down and I took the adderall to make those feelings go away for x amount of hours. I didn't miss any sleep at night, but nevertheless i abused again. I know this is a dead end or at least an OBVIOUS bad thing for me to be on. I am literally using it as an anti-depressant and since my tolerance is high, this can't continue. I don't want to get high, but I don't want to get low. Im venting here because you are experienced and genuine people. Please help me get back on and stay on the right road. I honestly don't know what else to say.

[quit-once]

You are in a special place and it's called Adderall Hell.  Let's try to sort this mess out. 

Taking it for depression is problematic because it kinda works for that, as long as your supply holds out.  I took it for depression for around two years and as long as I didn't run out of pills it kept me emotionally numb.  If you have had a lot of bad things happen in your life lately then you may need or wish to remain emotionally numb until bad things quit happening and you feel ready to deal with your issues.  The big problem is that running out of pills can be devastating because of the depression caused by adderall withdrwal.  You may want to consider an antidepressant drug if your adderall supply or money is limited.  Using alcohol or other depressants to fight depression is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline because it is merely a liquid.  Using adderall to treat depression is only slightly better than alcohol because the withdrawal causes its own intense depression for a long time.

 

So you need to man up and make a decision Oyvey.  You could continue taking adderall for your depression but you need to make a commitment to sustain your addiction with enough pills so you are not going through the use-and-withdraw cycles every month.

 

You could choose to fight your depression with anyghing else BUT adderall.  Be careful here because addiction can be a motherfucker, and you would likely find your way back to adderall (or meth) anyway. 

 

You could choose to fight depression and addiction and commit to total sobriety.  Are you willing to enter a program if you cannot quit on your own?

 

Or you could stay in Adderall Hell and find your new rock bottom.  Not a pleasant place to be.

 

I am sure there are many more options for you to consider as well.  My point is- don't make it any harder that it has already become from your brief dance with addie.

[Zerokewl]

The depression that follows recovery is really difficult you may want to consider talking to your doctor about anti-d's.  I wouldn't beat yourself up over the relapse.  It happens,  you probably now have some strategies for the next quit.  Sounds to me like you hit the depression wall. 

 

Adderall fucks with your brain chemistry and when you get clean your brain chemistry takes a  while to recalibrate. I'm seven months out and really starting feel like depression is now manageable. I was on anti-d's for a while and I may go back on them.  I'm not thrilled about being on more pills but the depression was horrible and I couldn't function.

[oyvey]

Thank you for the responses. I do want out of the adderall hell and I'm willing to dump what I have left which would probably last another 2 weeks.  I have ample access to anti-depressants. I currently have prozac and wellbutrin xl. I just went to the store for more supplements: omega 3, same-e, b-complex, C{which i will have take in moderation due to stomach issues}, whey protein, oatmeal and some meal replacement bars. I realize everything previously mention isn't addressing the underlying issue causing the depression{lost confidence i once had,lost loves,lost drug free passions, and lack of the stable work i had}. I went 39.5 years of my life basically BONE SOBER. This shit like i have read so many times before is your best friend at first, the savior of your problems and finally your worst enemy. 

[Zerokewl]

It is a really brutal addiction.  I know early on I was really angry at the pharmaceutical industry. Eventually you get over the anger. 

[oyvey]

Considering i used today, tomorrow is day one off. It's 10pm where I am and I'm gonna try to hit the sack. I have to learn to be social even when I'm in my low depression even though that's the last thing i feel like doing. I have made plans tomorrow to work early afternoon and then see a movie. I asked an old friend to Reiki me later on, but that's if her plans fall through. I want to get my brain functioning and soul functioning. I feel my soul is so tarnished and it needs to be cleaned off. Thanks for your support.

[quit-once]

Were there any major consequences from your recent relapse?

Why did you decide to use it again?

Have you tried L-Tyrosine to mitigate the depression?

On a scale of 1-5, how committed are you to quitting for good?

and finally my prior question: are you willing to enter a program if you cannot quit speed on your own?

[oyvey]

I will answer this in a few minutes, i want to eat and compose my thoughts. 

[oyvey]

Ok, I'm back.

1.There were no consequences from my relapse other than my poor opinion of myself for relapsing in the first place. 

2.I decided to use again for a combination of reasons that can be summed up in one word-extreme depression. Within the course of about a week-ish i was total to fuck off and disappear forever from my best friend and confidant{or clearly so i thought}. Next came my mother telling me she had cancer and began apologizing for certain instances in my life that she made the wrong choice and it hurt me. Next came loosing half of my income from budget cuts. Next was one of my pets teetering between life and death from an illness and not having enough money or credit for exploratory surgeries since I spent $18k in the past year on one of my other pets. All of these things emotionally came to a head and I couldn't handle the pain/depression i felt. I didn't have the "craving" to use, I just didn't want to pursue the alternative to make horrible feelings go away. 

3. I have not used L-tyrosine, but i tried to get it last night with the other supplements I bought, but it wasn't carried by them. I will be getting it today at another store.

4. On a scale of 1-5 how committed am i to quitting for good. If 5 is the most committed, then 5. Im not going to lie, I was a 5 when i tried to quit last time as well. On a more positive note, I have made major changes in my life to avoid yet another relapse. 

5. Am I willing to enter a program if I can't quit on my own? If it's outpatient-absolutely. If it is inpatient- no . Why do I say no? I will lose what little money I have left, I will lose my job and I am the only person that can handle my pets one is special needs and the other is literally licensed and only I can handle her safely. Due to laws in my state, I can't have any accidental bites or scratches. That would certain death for my animal. I don't have a fear of hospitals or not having any access to drugs/adderall. I don't really know how they work other than seeing those silly celebrity shows on tv which i assume isn't very realistic. The reasons above are the only true reasons I wouldn't do inpatient. I don't believe I'm at that point, but I'm going to Google what rehabs there are and what happens there now.

Were there any major consequences from your recent relapse?

Why did you decide to use it again?

Have you tried L-Tyrosine to mitigate the depression?

On a scale of 1-5, how committed are you to quitting for good?

and finally my prior question: are you willing to enter a program if you cannot quit speed on your own?

[oyvey]

I looked up a lot of rehabs and a good portion of them are outpatient and one of them is a well respected hospital that I've  been to for singed lungs from a fire, so that is at least a prospect if need be. A lot of the inpatient seemed either really expensive or just shady with their advertising. I read some reviews that were horrible as well. I suppose if you're detoxing you're not going to be a happy camper so I have to take it with a grain of salt. I would like to avoid rehab, but i don't think it would be a bad idea to go to depression support groups. I went to AA and NA meetings within the past month even though I don't drink. I just didn't relate, feel the support or leave feeling like I wanted to go back at all. Im happy for the people that do benefit though.

[Zerokewl]

Might want to try a SMART recovery meeting. Kind of a different approach a little like NA one of the senior members Liltex swears by it.  Ultimately recovery is DIY choose what is gonna work for you. I don't think full on rehab is what you need.  You've identified that depression is why you failed. I totally understand, my bouts with depression have been horrible. Its heavy shit, caused by your brain chemistry re-balancing itself.  The depression and lethargy are the #1 reason people relapse. 

[oyvey]

Im currently looking at the Smart recovery site and thank you for mentioning it. On a slightly different note, part of me I feel is creating my own anxiety about going off again. I don't think I'm in a range of use for seizures or anything  besides your standard withdrawal if I stop cold turkey, but I'm still hesitating in fear. I have been reading about things to take to possibly less the depression coming off, vitamins and supplements for natural energy. There are always people with good or shit experiences. It seems like I'm the one afraid to get in the ballgame. Aside from the depression, there really wasn't anything else that crushed me per se and I did expect more physical issues. Part of me is ready to stop and part is scared shitless. Wtf is wrong with me?? If the admins feel like I'm wasting people's time by not just being a quitter and a good example, I understand if you want me to stop posting. 

[quit-once]

Ok, I'm back.

1.There were no consequences from my relapse other than my poor opinion of myself for relapsing in the first place. 

2.I decided to use again for a combination of reasons that can be summed up in one word-extreme depression. Within the course of about a week-ish i was total to fuck off and disappear forever from my best friend and confidant{or clearly so i thought}. Next came my mother telling me she had cancer and began apologizing for certain instances in my life that she made the wrong choice and it hurt me. Next came loosing half of my income from budget cuts. Next was one of my pets teetering between life and death from an illness and not having enough money or credit for exploratory surgeries since I spent $18k in the past year on one of my other pets. All of these things emotionally came to a head and I couldn't handle the pain/depression i felt. I didn't have the "craving" to use, I just didn't want to pursue the alternative to make horrible feelings go away. 

3. I have not used L-tyrosine, but i tried to get it last night with the other supplements I bought, but it wasn't carried by them. I will be getting it today at another store.

4. On a scale of 1-5 how committed am i to quitting for good. If 5 is the most committed, then 5. Im not going to lie, I was a 5 when i tried to quit last time as well. On a more positive note, I have made major changes in my life to avoid yet another relapse. 

5. Am I willing to enter a program if I can't quit on my own? If it's outpatient-absolutely. If it is inpatient- no . Why do I say no? I will lose what little money I have left, I will lose my job and I am the only person that can handle my pets one is special needs and the other is literally licensed and only I can handle her safely. Due to laws in my state, I can't have any accidental bites or scratches. That would certain death for my animal. I don't have a fear of hospitals or not having any access to drugs/adderall. I don't really know how they work other than seeing those silly celebrity shows on tv which i assume isn't very realistic. The reasons above are the only true reasons I wouldn't do inpatient. I don't believe I'm at that point, but I'm going to Google what rehabs there are and what happens there now.

 

Thanks for the honest and thoughtful response.  Now for some of my feedback:

1)  If you can not find anything especially negative about relapsing, then how about listing how you believe it helped you.  It is important to acknowledge, but not glorify, how Adderall may have helped you.  As long as you remember it in the past tense.  Look to your answers to question number two for this. 

2)  You have had a lot on your plate lately.  I can understand how you were looking for any kind of relief or coping mechanism.  Some problems or emotions can get blown out of proportion and other problems can be glossed or over or numbed-up by using speed.  Your brain has been re-wired by the Adderall and it takes a long time to get over that during recovery.  I believed that Adderall helped me to make decisions by thinking outside of the box and coming up with creative solutions.  It also makes existing depression seem a lot worse during the withdrawal periods.

3)  I suggest you try tyrosine.  Get a high quality brand like GNC.  Take 500 mg 2-3 times per day on an empty stomach.

4)  If you are totally committed to quitting then do whatever it takes to succeed.  You could begin by getting rid of your remaining pills.  Maybe enlist the help of a friend or relative for support.  The best motivational tool you have is your own response to question #5.

5)  It is good that you looked into these and other options and tools for quitting. 

 

Quitting is a process, and you are in the early stages of working through it.  that is the whole point of this web site is so that we can all work through our own quitting and recovery processes with the support of others from wherever.  Please feel free to post as much and as often as you need to in order to figure things out.

[oyvey]

Is there a difference in Tyrosine and L-tyrosine? I just got back from the 3rd store that didn't have it. I did notice on my whey protein it says it has 500mg of Tyrosine, but i haven't noticed any difference in mood when i take that every morning and sometimes afternoon. You are right about getting rid of the remaining pills. I literally see them as my safety net, when in reality they are just prolonging any chances of being able to deal with pain and depression without a heavy drug. They are flushed now. Im a stressed mess and I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day and I can only deal with tomorrow when it comes. Thank you for comments and advice. 

[quit-once]

L-Tyrosine is the active form your body can use. Amino acids (and other chemicals) have a D form and an L form.  The L form is what you need for the supplement to work.  Good job unloading your burden.  If you have also cancelled them at the doctor level you are well on your way to becoming Adderall-free.

[oyvey]

Thank you. I cancelled them from the doctor on my initial stint. Without saying anything incriminating{since i don't know how the law really works}, the others were found by freak coincidence and not purchased. It doesn't at all make it right, but I didn't seek them out. Going back to your question about consequences from relapse. Im assuming you meant -arrest, OD, getting fired...things like that. Nothing happened to make me want to quit again other than my initial reasons of knowing it's bad news and can get out of hand quickly with my lack of side effects when i increased my dose while trying to chase the dragon as people have said. Being a total noob to any stimulant drug, I didn't think when initially prescribed that I would take more than what the bottle said. Like I have read on many forums, "it was a life saver". The next sentence was almost always followed by things changed and I wish i never took it. That's how I feel. 

[oyvey]

Did I cover my bases w/supplements{the supplements won't all be taken daily}? The next question is for anyone that used or abused: On what day after quitting cold turkey did your depression withdrawal kick in assuming you had it?

[quit-once]

Don't underestimate the benefits of caffeine during early recovery.  I wouldn't take all those pills every day.  Just take what your body tells you it needs.   Coffee, tea, redbull, 5 hour energy, and workout supplements laced with caffeine were useful for my first year or so after quitting.  My post- quitting depression peaked around day 5 but actually life kind of sucked for several months afterword.  It was hard for me to get excited or happy about anything during early recovery.

[oyvey]

I didn't plan on taking them every day, but I wanted to avoid things with highs and lows aka coffee and energy drinks especially if they dehydrate. Im starting l-tyrosine w b6 tomorrow. I take fish oil daily, b complex and magnesium/calcium regardless of adderall 

[oyvey]

Do I want a good day or a good life? If I choose the first I have NO CHANCE at a happy life and a guarantee of jail or a hellish life. I need to remind myself of this daily through my withdrawal.

[SweetCarolinee]

I'm with ya buddy. I have to keep reminding myself WHY I'm doing this in the first place. Like you, for a better life -- not only a better life but hopefully a longer, healthier, more fulfilling and happier one. Make a list for yourself if you haven't already and/or use post it notes. I've been trying to pretend like the "a" word doesn't even exist. Today has been the hardest day of my recovery so far and it sucks. I'm lying in bed right now freaking out of all the stuff I gotta do and get done and I go back to work again Friday. Yeah, it's gonna take way longer w/o it but it's so much more worthwhile doing it the nonadderall way. We got this. You got this. You can do it! Just hang in there and stay strong.

Pick a long, happy life. Not a short, unhappy one on that shit.

 

Did I cover my bases w/supplements{the supplements won't all be taken daily}? The next question is for anyone that used or abused: On what day after quitting cold turkey did your depression withdrawal kick in assuming you had it?

 

You should try Hemp oil and Grape Seed Extract. I just started and LOVE this stuff.

 

I haven't had bad depression but it's probably because I'm on day 11 and I'm on Zoloft. I had to get on it a few months ago and I think I became depressed bc of the addy and mixing it with booze or wine for so long, I think I made the chemicals in my brain unbalanced. Before taking addy, I was never depressed nor does it run in my family. I do feel like poop today thow. My head hurts, I have no energy or motivation to do anything. All I want to do is eat and sleep. Hopefully once I feel better being off the addy, I can get off the zoe. My end goal is taking nothing besides natural/healthy supplements.

 

We can do this. Just think about WHY your doing this and the life you want in your head and how to get there.

Goodluck, you got this.

[oyvey]

Thank you. I know why I have to, it's just like so many people struggling with addiction I'm going through so much shit and it's hard to see past that. The only thing keeping me sober is the hope of being out of depression and being able to think rationally. I was abusing the pills and it kept me from dealing with the awful real life feelings. For me its time, sobriety, prayer and trying to eat/exercise. I feel like shit in every way, but tomorrow is another day and so on. I've seen plenty of people raving about being clean and i want to be on that side of the fence. 

[oyvey]

On a slightly different note, i have dogs that for years have been the love my life. They have made me smile, got me through crappy times you name it. When i look at them now, I know i love them but I don't "feel" that love. That is so bothersome to me. I needed to get that off my chest. I feel emotionally numb to things i loved{that moved me emotionally} and feel like I miss the girl that crushed me. Sounds f'd up but I guess that's where I am. 

[quit-once]

I love my German Shepherd more than anything else in the world and I truly "feel" that love.  I got her as a puppy two years before I quit and honestly, I really didn't care if she stayed or ran away at that point.  I can't begin to tell you how important her friendship and loyalty was during my early recovery. 

Dogs are awesome!

[oyvey]

Im finally "starting" to feel some sense of being human again. I'm not as depressed,moody or tired as the previous days. I have shed some tears over some issues which is fine for me. I can look back and see exactly why I was abusing and what I feelings I was numbing. No question, this shit does a great job at making you avoid certain feelings but it's just a bandaid that eventually will infect your wound. I barely have any time clean, but I'm thinking clearer daily and more rationally. To anyone just starting to kick this stuff, you will likely go through a very unpleasant period where there isn't a glimmer of light at the other side of the tunnel. If you stick it out longer, the light will come and it will get easier. For me the depression and sadness was what made me want to jump right back into abusing. I read people's experiences from here daily and did my share of hoping and praying to get through the really shitty part. I think I've gotten past the really shitty part of withdrawal and now have to work on my ability to manage life and feelings without drugs. Im thankful for the people posting their stories and their honesty.