Please help me, for I am a slave to this drug.

[BeverlyM]

Wow. Just... Wow. There aren't even words for how I want to describe how I feel after stumbling upon this website. Ive been addicted to and abused adderall for 12 years. Still do. Hell, I'm on it right now. I cry (like bursting into tears crying) ALL the time BC out of those 12 years, ive been desperately wanting, and trying to quit for the past 8. 8 DAMN YEARS, YALL. And let me tell you somethin... In those 8 years I have moved 29 times, had a different job every few months, couldn't maintain ANY kind of relationship... Basically everything that sucks in life, I have, BC of this drug.

I want to start my story by saying this is going out to those who are in SO deep that the "motivation to study" and "better work-ethic" are all middle school fairy tales. That ended a looooong time ago, and has since been replaced with doing meaningless crap for as long as you want to BC as soon as you feel like there's no point, you take another pill. Honestly, the next hour or 2 it takes to write this will be the most meaningful 2 hours spent on Adderall in at least 5 years. You know what really kills me inside is seeing all of these ppl who are able to quit and have been and I'm literally thinking "I should probably go ahead and tale another half so I can continue to enjoy writing my story. Not only enjoy, but to have motivation of any kind to finish it. As soon as I start coming down, my head fills with "there's no point anyway" thoughts and I wont even care enough to copy what I already wrote and save it. But ill tell ya, when I get my fix in so damn pissed at myself for not saving it that I literally would start hating myself. Leaning only towards taking more pills to feel ok.

I use the term "ok" extremely lightly. There is no ok. I only get my script once a month so the short amount of time it takes me to go through it, I'm thinking ab nothing except how awful its gonna be when I run out. Thinking like this also leads to taking more and more, EVEN THOUGH, that's the underlying issue. It does this BC I can focus on some meaningless shit like a puzzle or a game on my phone FOREVER if I wanted to, and just keep poppin that lil orange pil every time I think a bad thought.

I honestly don't remember the last time I felt happiness without it, but hell, I don't remember the last time I felt happiness with it either.

So, like I said... If you are in as far deep as my sad lil soul has gone and have ANY kind of advice for me.. PLEASE help me. I'm not even living anymore. I'm not even sane half the time. Ive went into an amphetamine psychosis so many times in pretty sure I'm just stuck in it now. It's a miracle ive never had a stroke, I guess. Oh, by the way, I'm 25 years old. Was prescribed Adderall in 3rd grade when I was referred by my teacher. When I was young like that I would lie to my mom and tell her I took my med and never did BC it made me feel like I was dumber than everyone else to have it. It wasn't until ab 9th grade that I started using it to study and do homework and work and all those other REALLY fun things at first. It didn't take long before I was abusing it in order to study, and do homework and all those NORMAL things I couldn't do without Adderall anymore.

Wasn't long after that when I became completely antisocial, locked myself away for hours and hours and hours, hell... DAYS, doing puzzles or playin a game or ANYTHING that's not actually productive at all, but I LOVE the feeling of wanting to do it. I don't know why. But I get scared when I start to come back to reality. I mean, literally frightened. I cry and take another pill and cry some more until it kicks in enough to not think like that anymore.

Yeah, I'm effed up. I'm REALLY effed up. So when I say help me... I'll let you know I'm literally in tears as I type, crying for help.

Im a slave to this drug.

[AlwaysAwesome]

You have come to the right place.  We have all been where you are right now.  Read the articles and posts and know you are among friends!  You have to stop letting it control you...just quit.  You can do it!

[BeverlyM]

I'm the absolute worst about making up excuses in my head to take it. I know exactly when I'm doin it, when I'm GOING to do it, and they aren't even good excuses. I mean, I guess after I realized that it was mostly the psychological side of the addiction affecting me, to a certain extent, I just gave up. And I've been fighting with my own self ever since. Also, my doctor literally just called me and said they are referring me to a kidney specialist BC my kidneys are borderline? They drew blood a few days ago to check some stomach symptoms and came back with that. Does anyone know if amphetamine abuse can cause any kind of kidney damage?

[AlwaysAwesome]

I wouldn't doubt It.  My headaches were so bad, but I justified it and wrote them off.  I knew it was caused by the Adderall...terrible times.

[BeverlyM]

Yeah for sure. Especially when you haven't been outside for like 3 days and you walk into sunlight. Uuuh OWch. But I can honestly say that when I wrote this last night, I wrote ab how I was thinking ab taking another one, but I never did. And I haven't yet. So its a start.

[BeverlyM]

Did you ever feel like the longer you go without taking it, the more excuses you come up with to take it? Like... I haven't taken it since yesterday if I take another one now, I can just keep it regulated. Even tho you know you're just making excuses to take it.. If anyone knows what I'm talkin ab please shed light on any way to make it easier to not give in.

[LILTEX41]

Hi Bev,

 

Wow, this brought me back to a dark time and place in my life.  You described the addiction perfectly.  You know it is insane and it's horrible for you, but you can't even imagine a life without it.  A life without it did not seem worth living back when I was in the clutches of this addiction.  However, I found this website and I read the articles Mike wrote and I felt this tugging on my soul that said I had to get off this drug.  It was by NO MEANS easy.  I tried a number of times to quit (maybe 4 or 5) and I kept returning to this pill.  It was HARD, but this website helped inspire me and I eventually had had enough.  I knew being a slave to a stupid drug was not who I was intended to be.  I knew it was destroying my life and the same consequences would continue to repeat until I got off of it for good.  

 

I read a good article on Smart Recover the other day.  Check it out if you get  a chance. 

 

http://blog.smartrecovery.org/2015/01/06/are-you-going-or-are-you-leaving/

 

I have found it very helpful to try and create a vision of what I want out of life and move towards that.  My old ways of thinking were that I had to give up drugs/alcohol and my life would suck without them.  This is such a lie and so insanely ridiculous to think like this.  I have changed my perspective completely.  I am giving up poisons.  Without poison in my life I am free to pursue goals, dreams, be amazingly healthy, strong, and be happy for I am so proud that I am no longer in bondage to something that is keeping me from my destiny.  When I was addicted to adderall I was once told by a psychic I was living in a state of 90% negativity.  She actually told me if I kept going at the rate i was going - it didn't look good.  She told me to go home and get my bible out, get down on my knees and pray - that's how bad it was. She actually helped change my life though.  I did try and quit after that, but I relapsed one more time and ended up in a psych ward/detox.  I've been off of it since then.  I've had a few slips with alcohol here and there, but ultimately I have been sober 4.5 years with like a 2% relapse rate.  Luckily, I've picked myself up and dusted off after those times and keep moving forward.  Even IF you slip, you never have to go all the way back.  You just keep moving forward and don't give up.  Know your goal is to be clean and do whatever it takes to get and stay there.

 

It sounds like you are desperate.  That's fantastic!  That's such a great place to be really.  You want to be FREE.  It is very clear.  It sounds like you are doubtful if you can do it.  I am here to tell you that you ABSOLUTELY CAN.  If I CAN get off this drug ANYONE CAN.    Just keep coming to this site and we will help you.  But also do WHATEVER IT TAKES to stay straight.  If that means getting a therapist, finding other support groups, telling your doctor you are addicted, staying away from adderall users, taking time off from work, seeking meditation, exercise, a church or spiritual entity, just do it.  Everyone is different.  Find what works for you and keep doing it if you are serious about wanting to quit.  Make it your absolute number one priority.  You only have one life.  Nobody can fix it, but you.  You are in charge.  You have a choice on how to live the rest of your life.  It's up to you.  But you CAN DO IT.  I promise you!  There are lots of us here that are doing really good.  We are proof that change is possible.

 

Ok, one last thing.  So I know not everyone is into church or whatever, but i have this favorite pastor and he is AMAZING.  He has a really good sermon that I think you might find really cool.  I typed it out on my iphone notepad and added 52 pictures I googled to make it into a story.  I have a ton of these messages, but they are really helping me lately.  It's been a new fun project and I wish I could share them with others.  Anyhow, I was able to copy the notes from his message so here it is below. You can also watch it on youtube if you are interested.  Just keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  You GOT THIS!

 

Ok, I am having trouble finding the right one, but I think this is it. He talks a lot about addiction. It's very inspiring. Hope you like it!

 

https://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A2KLqIGlZDhVHWQAr_AsnIlQ;_ylu=X3oDMTByN2RnbHFoBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDBGdwb3MDMw--?p=joel+osteen+sermons&vid=d13a448fb0831448f9bf9fe045c1e0e0&l=47%3A05&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts4.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DWN.cvd%252b0nN86hNJ5K8XMZaWoQ%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DLKQJPa7vpIc&tit=Joel+Osteen+Resisting+Temptations+of+Sin+2014&c=2&sigr=11beu104d&sigt=11dqsk5la&sigi=121s6fdfb&age=1416001408&fr2=p%3As%2Cv%3Av&hsimp=yhs-004&hspart=mozilla&tt=b

[BeverlyM]

Thank yall so much. I don't have any kind of support system, so this is really all I have and it brings tears to my eyes just knowing I'm heard by someone. I'm not used to that. So thank you.

[BeverlyM]

My biggest problem is not wanting to wait until I can finally fall asleep, so I make excuses up in my head to take more. My original mindset every time I get my script is to take it like I'm supposed to. Never happens.

[Doge]

1)  "motivation to study" and "better work-ethic" are all middle school fairy tales. That ended a looooong time ago

 

I know that feeling.  The honeymoon stage is what everyone talks about.  But us addicts know that it ends very quickly and turns into a disaster, and by the time you realize it, it has this inexplicable "grip" on you.

2) after I realized that it was mostly the psychological side of the addiction affecting me, to a certain extent, I just gave up

I can definitely relate to this too.  At first I was relieved to realize I wasn't just the stupid person on the planet for continuously destroying myself when I kept swearing I would stop.  After a few more relapses the relief turned into despair and terror when I realized that I had totally lost control and would never be able to control it.  Much like you, I just pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind and popped anything I could get my hands on.

 

3) haven't taken it since yesterday if I take another one now, I can just keep it regulated.

This is the romanticizing that I have no doubt we all experience.  It's like your mind just wants to remember how it was when you *first* starting using it.  You want to re-capture that demonic productivity that first turned you onto the drug.  You can use it to fix all the problems that have been piling up.  But it's a lie.  If we could control it and regulate it none of us would be here.

------

It sounds to me like you know you want to quit but can't stop.  I was exactly there almost 3 months ago.  For me the solution was obvious but it took me a while to finally gather the courage to do it:  cut myself off.  I confessed my addiction and permanently cut off my supply.

My heart was breaking for you when I read your post as I can totally understand.

We all want to help you and we are here for you.  Just tell us what we can do!

[BeverlyM]

Ive daydreamed countless times ab telling everybody and that being the big first step. It just scares the hell out of me. My moms the only person I could tell that actual has an affect on my life. But she's so damn unpredictable, I get nervous askin her simple questions. I don't have the courage to just lay it all on her and be like "just so ya know ma, ive been messed up on Adderall for the past 10 years. That's why I'm a complete failure." I mean, as far as I know.. Nobody pays enough attention to what I do to have even realized yet that there's an issue. 10 years is a long time to not realize the person you live with has an insane addiction to her meds. It all just makes me nervous.

Another huge thing that I forgot to mention in all of this is my head twitchin when I lay down to sleep. I already have seizures from head trama, but my body only jerks like its TRYING to keep me awake when I am comin off of Adderall. It seems more of a withdrawal symptom than anything. Anybody else experience this?

Another weird thing that happens is I constantly feel like I need to cough up mucus as soon as I start tapering off the drug. I constantly try to cough it up but nothing ever comes out and the feeling doesn't go away for hours. Ive wondered if this happens to others when they take Adderall for a LONG time.

[LILTEX41]

I think you are experiencing convulsions when you try to sleep at night.  The body will start shaking when in withdrawal.  I had them for hours and hours the day I went to the ER. 

 

None of this sounds fun.  You sound very young to be going through this and I am so sorry.  You should be out having fun with friends, involved in activities, and enjoying your youth.  I promise you can get there eventually, but it's just going to take some time (a crash landing), sleep, and a restoration period to bring yourself back up to par.  Maybe there is someone else on this forum trying to quit and they could use a support buddy.  Help one another by checking in. 

 

When you say you have daydreamed about telling everyone, what's holding you back exactly?  Is it fear that means you'll have to stop for good or fear what people will think or something else?   Because what I do know is that by not coming clean about it, it's keeping you stuck.   Addiction (secrets, lies, isolation, denial, darkness, hiding, and being held in bondage)    Recovery (truth, support, coming clean, ridding self of baggage weighing you down, freedom, light, and victory).

 

Every reason/excuse you tell yourself about why it's ok to keep taking it, why you can't stop yet, why you can't come clean is your addictive voice talking.  This voice is coming from your lower brain - the midbrain.   In AVRT (addictive voice recognition technique) they call this part of the brain, "the beast".  It is not you. It is helpful to realize this is not your desire to stay on this drug.  It is the desire coming from midbrain.  It will do anything and everything to keep the addiction going.  The beast needs to be fed.  However, there is good news!  There is another part of your brain - the neocortex.  allows human beings to be conscious, to think, to have language, and to solve problems. Your neocortex is "you," and you can override any appetite, even for oxygen or food. For more on this go to - http://www.positiveatheism.org/rw/nutshell.htm.

 

You can build up your neocortex (the part of your brain that is YOU) and use it fight back your urges coming from the midbrain.  The more you resist adderall, the stronger you will become in the midbrain will no longer be in control. 

 

Is it the addictive voice that's holding you back?

[BeverlyM]

It's not fun at all. I just posted another thread ab the withdrawals that are kind of freaking me out at the moment. I'm wondering if anybody else goes through this or if its BC Ive been doing this for so long the psychological dependencies ive acquired are like, yelling at me. It's titled 1 hour into the healing process, and im begging whoever wants to, to read it. I'd hate for another person to deal with this crap, but itd be a little comforting to know its not just me.

[Doge]

IT IS NOT JUST YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! I PROMISE!

 

If you feel that coming clean to your mother is too much to bear, consider telling your doctor?  I'm pretty sure they have to keep that information private.  It's scary to take that leap but it feels so good to be free.  I PROMISE you that cutting off my supply was the ONLY way to ensure a successful recovery.  Maybe it might work for you too? At least consider it?

Personally, I have only told my 'doctor' and one friend.  Nobody in my family knows and if I tell them in the future it will be 100% voluntary.

We're your friends here, and we want to help!  Please tell us how we can help you take that first step!  Its painfully clear that the real you wants out of this mess!

[BeverlyM]

The "reality" of when I start to withdrawl scares the shit out of me. Especially now that I just counted my script and realized ive gradually taken 15 30mg pills in 4 days. I'm going to go into a psychosis, ill feel like my throats closin up, ill have a seizure, probably a few of them actually. My seizures are from head trauma but ive triggered quite a few by bein a fkin dumbass. I'm already in panic mode. I have absolutely NO idea how I'm supposed to handle this right now.

[Doge]

Make yourself a big serving of comfort food and drink lots of fluids.  No matter how strung out I ever was this always made me feel better at least temporarily.  Please see my other reply to your other thread.

[LILTEX41]

Bev,

 

Maybe you need to seek medical attention?  Or tell a close friend and let them know what's going on.  Is there anyone that can come stay with you while you get all of this out of your system?  It just seems like it might be helpful to have a friend or relative nearby.  I understand why you don't want to tell your mom. That's probably especially scary right now.  How about a friend you could stay with for a day or two until you come down?

[BeverlyM]

That's an awesome suggestion, but anybody I would be able to stay with is an hour and a half away and I just wouldn't be able to get there. I'll just hide in my room or something. That's what I do anyway. And I def need to see a psychiatrist. I'm not sure if they take insurances like Medicaid, but I should check up on some places nearby.