Me and my broken life.

[mybrokencode]

Here I am, once again attemping to write something.. Im no writer, just looking to reach out. it seems we all have the same issues so im sure u already know.. So I am going to skip all the gory details of my many downfalls. I did get things done, built, designed, fixed, obessed over, and then usually half complete.

So here i am, 28 male. possible workaholic, lonely, and comfortble. I never was prescribed to adderall, jbut I think I have been abusing it for the better part of my life now. I have had more all-nighters than any one man should have. here for a while now 1-2 binges a week of no sleep or eat. I seem to futnction quite well this way. At this point I just assume I could break or worse any day now.

I buy them off reliable people and like clockwork I go. I usually snort them, usually now days Its maybe something like 12-15 30s in one day (or 2-3days) lol its all the same anymore. Im not bragging in fact very ashamed that i cant fix this. been trying without trying to hard for over 10 years now.

This is not my cry for help, just me acknowledging my severe addiction, and gradual demise if i dont start to try and fix this. I am thankful for this forum and everyone here; and just wanted to introduce myself and the problem so I can mabye start on the path to freedom.

well.... its been a long night... and i think only here will those words truley be understood  

 

[Greg]

That is the point I was at...about 12-15 a day snorting while losing track of time...it's good that you are acknowledging this. The dosages you are at and the snorting is basically at the level of meth now... All I can say is that you can do this, it's completely possible, and stay on the forums as you continue to quit.

[Doge]

So glad you posted!  I never had a prescription either, and like you I always binged.  I know exactly what you mean by

I seem to function quite well this way.

While I never quite made it up to those dosages, I wasn't much lower, and I had the whole thing down to a routine/ritual/whatever.  I could cope really well with the crash and was really good at "walking the line" of barely holding my public life together while my private life was a path of self destruction.

 

Greg's words

The dosages you are at and the snorting is basically at the level of meth now..

are a sobering and chilling reality check.

 

The good news is you are still so young!  Your brain can do miracles given enough time.  Please rest up and fill up with some calories and post back!  We can make a plan to fix this and start whenever you're ready bro!

[AlwaysAwesome]

Welcome to the forum.  You will find so much information and support here.  When you decide to stop this madness, come here as often as you can.  Post, read articles, message people, and soak up the support.  You can't keep going down this path...but, you already know that.  When you are ready, we will still be here to listen and hopefully help.  Remember, there is a light at the end of the long, dark tunnel and it is not always a train!   

 

Grumpy cat and I are firm believers in the power of SNACKS!!  Comfort food, good TV, and a comfy bed...you can do it! 

[LILTEX41]

Hi there!  Glad you are here.

 

Looks like you are in the initial stages of change.  I like this model (comes from Smart Recovery), but it is very helpful to see there is a process one goes through when trying to make a change.  Hope this helps and hope you keep posting!

 

 

The Stages of Change

FAQ's

1) PRECONTEMPLATION STAGE

"It isn't that we cannot see the solution. It's that we cannot see the problem."

Precontemplators usually show up in therapy because of pressures from others… spouses, employers, parents, and courts… Resist change. When their problem comes up, they change the topic of conversation. They place responsibility for their problems on factors such as genetic makeup, addition, family, society, destiny, the police, etc. They feel the situation is HOPELESS.

 

2) CONTEMPLATION STAGE

"I want to stop feeling so stuck!"

Contemplators acknowledge that they have a problem and begin to think about solving it. Contemplators struggle to understand their problems, to see its causes, and wonder about possible solutions. Many contemplators have indefinite plans to take action within the next few months.

"You know your destination, and even how to get there, but you're not ready to go."

It is not uncommon for contemplators to tell themselves that some day they are going to change. When contemplators transition to the preparation stage of change, their thinking is clearly marked by two changes. First, they begin to think more about the future than the past.

The end of contemplation stage is a time of ANTICIPATION, ACTIVITY, ANXIETY, and EXCITEMENT.

 

3) PREPARATION STAGE

Most people in the preparation stage are planning to take action and are making the final adjustments before they begin to change their behavior. Have not yet resolved their AMBIVALENCE. Still need a little convincing.

 

4) ACTION STAGE

Stage where people overtly modify their behavior and their surroundings. Make the move for which they have been preparing. Requires the greatest commitment of time and energy.

CHANGE IS MORE VISIBLE TO OTHERS.

 

5) MAINTENANCE STAGE

Change never ends with action. Without a strong commitment to maintenance, there will surely be relapse, usually to precontemplation or contemplation stage.

The Stages of Change for Addiction Recovery

Most successful self-changers go through the stages three or four times before they make it through the cycle of change without at least one slip. Most will return to the contemplation stage of change. Slips give us the opportunity to learn.