Addiction to Adderall sky-rocketing

[ChronSean]

So I have been seeming to give myself more and more excuses regarding this AMAZING yet horrible amphetamine. Brief Background, was arrested frosh year in HS for distributing Ecstasy and got help and will always be grateful for the support I got from my family/friends at the time. By the second semester of that same year, I was allowed in HS, not using drugs/alcohol and was seeing a psychiatrist. First semester, I really complained about ADHD because I needed to catch up on grades due to the arrest/suspension. My psychiatrist tried to suggest non-stimulant medications at first which was good on her part. I tried welbutron and stratera, neither seemed to work AT ALL. I had a close friend who was prescribed Vyvanse and really recommended it to me saying it worked wonders. The first day I take it I was IN THE ZONE. A friend came up and actually asked "Hey why are you all focused instead of being disruptful and funny like usual?" Thats when I knew it wasn't only me who was noticing the affects. I ended up being a "miracle" to my friends, family, and all my teachers (recieved straight A's second semester after being prescribed vyvanse). What they or I didn't know or think about was that it WAS just the amphetamines making me this "miracle child" by senior year in HS I was up to 50 mg vyvanse/day, marching band president, popular among multiple groups and Had been accepted to a 4-year for Music Education. I love music with a passion, I can't describe how much I love it with words. Now, I'm a sophomore year in college, I was recieving vyvanse from my out of state Dr. and parents would mail it to my dorm for me. It got to the point where I decided to stay living at my college town not returning home for the summer and my regular Dr. who was out of state did not want to prescribe me anymore since it had been 6 months of not seeing each other in person. After recieving that news, that's when the addiction started to take off. I was worried HORRIBLY that I wasn't going to be able to get my regular fix of amphetamines. I went to a psychiatrist on campus and like every college Pro Drug health services, I was easily able to get generic Adderall IR 15mg twice a day. The problem started a few months ago when I was still on Vyvanse, I wasn't feeling the affects anymore after 2 hrs of taking it so I would empty the powder out of another into a glass of water not knowing how much of a dose I would end up taking by the end of the day ( I was on 60mg vyvanse taking probably an equivalent amt  by emptying the powder multiple times and tbh i likely have taken 120mg vyvanse a day multiple times without knowing it). When I was prescribed the adderall, like every amphetamine felt like I was a god when I first tried instant-release feeling all of it hitting me at once. However, due to my high amphetamine tolerance as it is after a day I would need 3 15 mg IR tablets to get through my day. Now it's 5+ per day, nearly pulling all-nighters (have pulled about 6 all-nighters in the last two months) and when I don't have a full all-nighter I still stay up until sunrise and wake up around 2pm. Sure I've talked to friends here about this but being a college town, college students typically don't have much to say to help and wont take it seriously. I wonder if I were more honest with HOW much ive been taking maybe people would take me more seriously. The real issue is i don't want to stop taking it. I feel and notice a change in me and it's not a change I like HOWEVER it's also something I don't feel like I can stop. I came to the conclusion months before the abuse and only taking it as prescribed that I would remain on the drug my whole life. I have this feeling where I know I should stop taking it all together and also have this feeling where I simply can't see myself not on adderall. It's almost 5am now and I already have likely taken 100 MG of this drug. My question is, how do I go about doing this. I know if I continue at this rate I'll be in danger by the end of summer. Theres a large history of addiction in my family including my parents so I know there is ALWAYS someone I can go to for help, but don't feel necessarily ready to do so. I've been reading a ton of things on this website and finally felt the need to vent and let the world of addicts know they are not alone. I can relate to nearly ALL of these stories in one way or another. If I DO try to stop using this, is it even worth trying to be able to JUST take it as prescribed? Like weening myself down to the ACTUAL dosage I was given? Or weening down all-together? I am still in college, and feel that my passion for music and band in general has been greatly influenced by amphetamines. I feel if I were to not take them anymore, I would have to give up pursuing my dream music career. Please people, I need answers, help, and someone to care and I didn't know where else to go. I'd really appreciate some feedback. BTW, if it matters I'm a 20 y/o male. 

[Doge]

You have already taken the first step by reaching out.  Well done!

 

I promise to you 100% that what you are describing is only just the beginning of a horrible horrible path you do not want to go down. 

 

 

 

If I DO try to stop using this, is it even worth trying to be able to JUST take it as prescribed?

 

If you've already gotten to the point of the dosages you are describing then history tells us all that it is not possible.  You really want to try (just like we all did).  This kind of thinking really gets in the way of progress and will delay your recovery for as long as you let it.

 

Weaning is in all likeliness not an option for anyone who has upped their dose like you or I have.

 

 

The real issue is i don't want to stop taking it. I feel and notice a change in me and it's not a change I like HOWEVER it's also something I don't feel like I can stop.

This is exactly what addiction is and feels like.  It feels like you have two personalities, yeah?  One of you (THE REAL YOU) wants desperately to stop taking these pills, and get back to what real life is supposed to be, and experience genuine joy and emotion again.  The other (THE ADDICT YOU) is terrified of what life would be like if the supply stopped coming.

 

 

My question is, how do I go about doing this.

If you mean quitting.  There is likely only one way.  Whoever your doctor is.  Tell them what is going on and have them cut you off.  It's plain and simple the best way.  Though the inner addict will fight you every step of the way and try to talk you out of it every time, I believe it is the only way to stop for good.

 

I delayed doing this for far too long and tried to quit with my own willpower, but I just kept going back to it.  I let my addiction get much more severe and do a lot more lasting damage before I finally swallowed my pride and confessed my addiction.  Haven't taken a pill since.  There have been certain times where It's been REALLY hard but I don't question the decision in the slightest.

 

If you want to quit, take the step and cut yourself off.  It's that simple!

 

Welcome to the forum!  Post lots and let us know how you are doing, no matter what you decide we are still here to help.

[ChronSean]

Thanks a ton. I'm still in fear and want to try to take the decision-making slowly. I am doing far to well in life. I told one of my friends and he was saying "you are the most functioning addict i've ever met." what he doesn't know is the adderall is making it SEEM like I can function. I will keep you posted because what you said really did mean something to me. I am going to be thinking a lot of this over and when my prescription runs out (which is already rather low as it is) then THAT is when I will decide. I also recently found out that my college actually offers programs for people with ADHD and has a TON of alternatives to focus instead of popping a simple orange pill. I really am considering that, and like I said thank you so much! I wasn't too sure about my post at first but it's glad hearing other people know how it feels. 

[AlwaysAwesome]

Welcome to the forum!  I hope that we can be a supportive force WHEN you decide to quit.  You can't live like this forever...

[nouedis]

Welcome to the forum!