Popular Post Greg Posted August 31, 2015 Popular Post Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 Im starting to worry about myself enough that I think I should revisit why its important for me to stay away from adderall. I am finding myself in a similar situation to what drove me to start abusing adderall many years ago. I wanted to be really good at my job. I was forced to be strong in areas i wasnt as strong in, like data analysis and extreme accuracy with numbers in excel and that all drove me to adderall abuse. I turned to adderall to give me the confidence and the ability to excel. Now that I find myself in a similar situation and find temptation creeping back into my head, let me remind myself where it all ended. I was ANXIOUS, I was UNPRODUCTIVE AT WORK...I was CHAIN SMOKING and spent more time outside smoking cigarettes and stressing over my work rather than doing my work. This all led me to NOT get a job after a grueling 10 week summer internship at a top investment bank on Wall St.with long hours. I thought i was flying high. I was CLEARLY NOT. I didn't get a fulltime job. Adderall didnt do it for me. Let me remember that. After that internship, My adderall addiction ESCALATED. I start popping pills and not even counting them. Adderall made me WORSE. and it led to the ultimate destruction - ADDICTION. This led me to REHAB. This kept me BEDRIDDEN for TWO YEARS. This led me to outpatient therapy. Completely dependent on family to live. This led to disappointment from everyone in my life. This let me to hit rock bottom where i imagined what it was like to not be addicted. This led me to gain the symptoms of stimulant-induced psychosis where I could not distinguish between reality and disreality for over a year...a symptom that mimiked schizophrenia..which was seriously frightening. What I took to deal with pressure at work --- led to all of this shit. Let me not forget that. It stemmed from a desire to do really well and prove myself. That was the reason behind the adderall... I need to take a step back and remember that I do have a vulnerability. And I will stay close to this post and thread to make sure i get rid of any thoughts of ever letting the addict side of my brain take over....something terrifying. because i know it will destroy my life. As I think about this ----- one line stands out from our many posts..and that is --- just allow myself to SUCK at work. SUCKING AT WORK will lower my expectations of myself, and ill just end up doing better. But I do want to stay close to this thread because the circumstances between what drove me years and ago and now are very similar. PLEASE EVERYONE, REMIND ME THAT'S IT OKAY TO SUCK AT WORK. IF that means returning to an EVIL DRUG. thanks for letting me share. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 Remember, you weren't as good as adderall made you think you were. You aren't sucking at work. You are a normal employee. Chill out and enjoy being normal. Don't go back...you may never get out again.😳 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 no shortcut to excellence. Adderall and Excel don't mix. Don't be the guy colour coding tabs instead of understanding the business and practising leadership and networking skills. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 Adderall destroyed my confidence - it's taken years to get my natural confidence back completely. I feel like that just finally happened (after 3.5 years). Confidence and motivation were the most valuable things Adderall stole from me, and took the longest to return. Don't set yourself back. Let me reframe your mindset that you 'suck at your new job': I work for a progressive company. The most successful people in my workplace ask questions all the time. All the time. They question everything. They don't purport to know all the answers. Knowing how to do everything isn't the asset it once was because processes and systems are constantly changing. In this day and age, asking questions is so much more important than knowing. (check out this website/book http://amorebeautifulquestion.com/)The smartest people I know at my workplace ask the most questions, always. (and everyone I work with has a master's/PHD). The more educated people are, the more they know what they don't know. We have a sign on our wall that says "Are you uncomfortable?" because if you're not uncomfortable, you're not challenging yourself. You're not learning. You're not innovating. You don't suck, you are a new employee. Nobody knows what they're doing in the beginning. You are learning new things. Embrace mistakes, because they are shortcuts to learning (you learn faster from mistakes than a series of successes). And, if you're not uncomfortable, then what you're doing isn't challenging enough, period. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefly Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 I think you are doing great because you have written and know all those reasons for not going back to it. It's easy to forget the negatives or only be remembering the positives (though they were not really positives in reality but simply lies from your brain). You won't be better on adderall. The best parts of you will be present without adderall even though it's hard to feel that way. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted September 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 I feel a lot better thanks..im going to keep up writing on this post until my thoughts get under control. I think I am in a situation where I am a new employee.l..and I am having issues understanding my project .. the person training me is not very available---but aside from that I feel my ability to stay clean from adderalll is being tested in the hardest enviorenf yet. I will keep posting here 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 Give your new job one full year before you make any determination whether you suck or not. One thing is certain...that if you went back on speed you would suck at everything while thinking you were doing just great. Adderall sucks. Addiction sucks. Relapsing sucks. Learning a new job? just another one of life's great challenges. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 You can do this, because you are awesome! Just being able to quit Adderall in the first place makes you an awesome person. Cut yourself some slack and have a snack. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 In the spirit of asking questions: Why is your self-worth tied to your job? What can you do to take the emotion out of working? Instead of thinking you need to add a drug to your life to be successful, what can you remove from your life, so that you have more natural resources to deal with stress? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 In general, a man's self worth is directly tied to his job. Women, not so much. It is hard to understand, but after marriage counseling years ago I came to really see the differences between men and women. My husband had a lot of work issues in the beginning of our marriage because he had just graduated college and was learning how to be in the corporate world. It was difficult on our relationship. I did not know how to communicate with him about it and he would just disappear into a "cave" when he was home. It stirred my abandonment issues...ugly stuff. He has been in the job for 17 years now and it doesn't bother him like it did in the beginning. Every once in a while he will have an issue at work and he just works it out. I still don't know what to say to make it better, because I just don't get it. As a woman, I say just don't worry about it. Your job is just a small part of who you are. As a man, it is easier said than done. Greg, as you learn your job and become more comfortable with it, you will feel better. You will gain confidence as you gain skills and this will be a distant memory. Just stay the course and muddle through. Every mistake leads to improvement. I am pretty sure that you are being harder on yourself than your coworkers are. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 I disagree with the generalization because my husband is the opposite. When he's at work, he's in work mode. When he gets home, he snaps out of work mode immediately. He knows how to compartmentalize different roles, which is key to not letting one aspect of your life define you. He's actually been a role model for me. But I digress. This is a question for Greg to answer 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 You are lucky. Again, it is a generalization because not all people are alike. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted September 1, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 i think both of you def are right. Im thinking the issue right now cognitively I feel liking Im doing stuff that really doesnt come natural to me.... and its mentally exhaustin. I Def need to keep an eye on this and for sure not compensate with something like xanax either.. im going to sleep early tonight, and maybe getting more sleep will be a good antidote in the beginning at least...while im hit with these hard tasks and not knowing much.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted September 2, 2015 Report Share Posted September 2, 2015 Thanks for sharing all of this Greg. I agree with others that you most definitely do not suck at your job. IIRC you barely started a little while ago. Everyone has a hard time with learning curves nowadays. Imagine being on adderall, and having people trying to train you get frustrated because you keep interupting them and going down tangents on unimportant details because you are jacked up on speed and NEED TO UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING RIGHT FUCKING NOW OMG and not able to stay calm and have a natural ability to prioritize important information and stay patient with things that don't matter as much right now. I know you are smart for sensing your vulnerability early and dealing with it right away. You are going to be great at this before you know it! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted September 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2015 I haven't read the amazon work culture but i did hear about that article and Im very curious to read it in my present situation. There is a very strong culture in my company but thank goodness it is not like the amazon culture but i want to read that article. It might make me feel better. I am being trained by someone who is treating me like im picking things up too slowly...I dont even want to get into it...its not worth my energy. My manager is aware. A huge anyway ----- I read through my list of reasons why i quit adderall and the list has piled up to pages upon pages over the collective years since ive been on this site. I was wearing a fitbit and my heartrate went from 110 beats per minute to 59 beats per minute after i read through the list and i was brought back vividly to the days of when adderall destroyed everything --- i feel extreme detest for adderall again and I will read through the list again and again and i wont ever forget.. I also realized that as im beginning the job. I MUST sleep 8-9 hours a night. I have to make that my utmost priority. My fitbit made me aware that i was not getting enough sleep per night. And this stage where im just beginning a new job and trying to absorb a lot and learn lot i feel this is essential. --Reading the list of REASONS why I quit adderall over and over and over again before bed... --SLEEPING 7-9 hours until i get settled. --And being very careful not to take anymore of the xanax that im prescribed. i started recently bumping up my dosage to more than prescribed but ive cut that out. Speaking of which - its time for me to go to bed--like NOW! (And the Amazon article will make great bedtime reading -i hope im not offending an amazon workers lurking the boards..but I work in corporation with a very strong corporate culture...) Thanks for the support. Ill continue to keep posted at what has been the most critical juncture ive come across. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted September 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2015 Oh god! I read half the article...we are not that bad.... http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/16/technology/inside-amazon-wrestling-big-ideas-in-a-bruising-workplace.html?_r=0 Quote from the Amazon article “I was so addicted to wanting to be successful there. For those of us who went to work there, it was like a drug that we could get self-worth from.†---Dina Vaccari worked on projects from corporate gift cards to sales of scientific supplies, 2008 to 2014. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted September 3, 2015 Report Share Posted September 3, 2015 Greg it is OKAY to be crappy at work!!!! In fact, let's make this a challenge. I challenge you to suck as much as you possibly can!!! You and I have similar perfectionist tendencies and anxieties, and a similar mantra to help us get rid of our perfectionist tendencies. You say, "It's OK to completely suck at work." I say, "Make it crappy! Really, really crappy!" When I have a deadline, I even turn it into a game. How crappy can I go?! LOLOL. OK so if you make it a game to 'suck' as much as you possibly can, then I'll make it a game to crank out the crappiest writing possible before my deadline today. Deal? But the point is, neither of us literally suck or produce crappy work. We are both extremely high quality people, and all our work is high quality-- we just don't see it as such. We have high standards for ourselves with demanding jobs. We are also recovering adderallics who continually want to learn, grow, meet new people, and push ourselves beyond our limits. Adderall temporarily gave us the ability to work longer, harder, more focused.... so of course our brains are going to remember that shortcut when we are confronted with these huge challenges that make us want to do better than we ever thought possible. That's why a vigilance posting like this is SO CRUCIAL. I love that you did this. By the way, the only time when you actually sucked at work was when you were tweaking out on adderall. And the only time my work was actually crappy was when I was on adderall. Both times, we thought we were flying high...... but from the outside, we were tweaked out, self-important weirdos who were unable to network with new people. And yes.... sleep trumps everything else! Okay, I'm going to spend the next 2 hours making this proposal as crappy as I possibly can!!! Thanks for the motivation my friend and let us know how your sucky day went!!! :) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted September 3, 2015 Report Share Posted September 3, 2015 GREG!!! Your awesome commercial spot has motivated me to move past my cut TV scene and go to an audition Friday night. I am super excited! Wish me luck! I am going for a lead role in a live Halloween event at a themed park (of sorts). If I don't get a lead role, I won't do it because it would take me away from family 19 nights in October. I am soooo excited, but it will be okay if I don't get it. All things happen for a reason... Sorry, this doesn't fit in your thread, does it? Oh well... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted September 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2015 GREG!!! Your awesome commercial spot has motivated me to move past my cut TV scene and go to an audition Friday night. I am super excited! Wish me luck! I am going for a lead role in a live Halloween event at a themed park (of sorts). If I don't get a lead role, I won't do it because it would take me away from family 19 nights in October. I am soooo excited, but it will be okay if I don't get it. All things happen for a reason... Sorry, this doesn't fit in your thread, does it? Oh well... That's great!! AlwaysAwesome. GO FOR IT!!! It will be a lot of fun. do you have a script to look over yet? My commercial started rolling out TODAY -yay! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted September 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2015 Greg it is OKAY to be crappy at work!!!! In fact, let's make this a challenge. I challenge you to suck as much as you possibly can!!! You and I have similar perfectionist tendencies and anxieties, and a similar mantra to help us get rid of our perfectionist tendencies. You say, "It's OK to completely suck at work." I say, "Make it crappy! Really, really crappy!" When I have a deadline, I even turn it into a game. How crappy can I go?! LOLOL. OK so if you make it a game to 'suck' as much as you possibly can, then I'll make it a game to crank out the crappiest writing possible before my deadline today. Deal? But the point is, neither of us literally suck or produce crappy work. We are both extremely high quality people, and all our work is high quality-- we just don't see it as such. We have high standards for ourselves with demanding jobs. We are also recovering adderallics who continually want to learn, grow, meet new people, and push ourselves beyond our limits. Adderall temporarily gave us the ability to work longer, harder, more focused.... so of course our brains are going to remember that shortcut when we are confronted with these huge challenges that make us want to do better than we ever thought possible. That's why a vigilance posting like this is SO CRUCIAL. I love that you did this. By the way, the only time when you actually sucked at work was when you were tweaking out on adderall. And the only time my work was actually crappy was when I was on adderall. Both times, we thought we were flying high...... but from the outside, we were tweaked out, self-important weirdos who were unable to network with new people. And yes.... sleep trumps everything else! Okay, I'm going to spend the next 2 hours making this proposal as crappy as I possibly can!!! Thanks for the motivation my friend and let us know how your sucky day went!!! :) i really like how you said that we dont suck as much was think we do. We just have high standards for ourselves....that really made me feel better. Now Go SUCK at your paper! Also, I dont want to waste sentences on this person. but the person "training" me has gone on vacation for two weeks!!! Already, today was MUCH better --even though i broke my pledge and slept only 4 hours last night (i couldn't fall asleep, was tossing and turning) today was still a good more calm day :-) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted September 8, 2015 Report Share Posted September 8, 2015 I got a Featured Role! Yay! I am super excited. I will get the script on September 19th. Technical rehearsal is the 25th and final dress rehearsal is the 26th. The Live Halloween event begins on October 1st and continues every Thursday night through Sunday night for the entire month of October. I am super excited!!! I was offered the Role before I even left the audition...it felt great! :D :D 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted September 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2015 I got a Featured Role! Yay! I am super excited. I will get the script on September 19th. Technical rehearsal is the 25th and final dress rehearsal is the 26th. The Live Halloween event begins on October 1st and continues every Thursday night through Sunday night for the entire month of October. I am super excited!!! I was offered the Role before I even left the audition...it felt great! :D :D That is AWESOME, congrats..so happy for you!!! Way to go! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
back2life Posted October 4, 2015 Report Share Posted October 4, 2015 Hi Greg, Havent read any updates. How are you? Hope you are finding peace with yourself and your demanding job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 He is busy being a super star! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted October 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 Thanks for checking in . My job is very demanding and I feel like my mental health is not good -- I keep trying to frame this in a positive way. It me the only thing that can make me feel better. I'm tackling a extremely hard project but I am also elevating my skill set. I'm being challenged in an area I am weak in and I hope that Makes me more well rounded employee. WOW, just writing that made me feel better lol I'm so glad u asked 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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