First post - avoiding a slip up

[ConstantAwareness]

Hello, this is my first post but I have visited occasionally and read over the past few years

Just as a background :

I've been out of college for about a year

I started using adderall from friends to study in my second year and it evolved to recreational binge usage . Upwards of 150mg on some days

I have quit for months at a time over the past few years but always end up going back to some level of occasional use

Sometimes only once a month, sometimes a binge every weekend for a month

Never daily

Adderall has caused me many problems and been my only focus for various short periods, it has lead to stress in relationships, negatively effected work performance , and lead to aggressive behavior.

I have been totally clean for 2 months , but a majority of that time adderall was unavailable.

It is now available if I ask a friend

I am so afraid that I will soon be able to rationalize to myself that taking one to get something done (or much more likely recreationally) will be fine. I know that it will lead to more.

I just love how I feel now and I think, well imagine how great you would feel if you took one. I know that how well things are going for me is a result

Of my abstinence .

WHAT METHODS DO YOU RECCOMEND TO STAY AWARE AND VIGILANT?

It is so hard to remember the bad times to motivate myself .I want this time to be for good. I need long lasting techniques

Thank you so much. I have done much research over the years but maybe this forum can help me stay on my current track

[ConstantAwareness]

The aggressive behavior when drinking on adderall is the worst effect...

[AlwaysAwesome]

My best advice is to get rid of your source.  Cut off your supplier.  Lose the number.  Whatever you have to do to not be able to get it.  Next, and probably the hardest, is to tell everyone that you have a problem and you quit.  The more people you tell, the more external accountability to create. 

 

These are the methods which worked for me.  I had to be "all in" or I just kept going back...again...and again...and again...and again...

 

Good luck and hang in there!

[ConstantAwareness]

Thank you. I have done that but it's hard to completely cut off source because I live in a college area. What do you all tell yourselves to stop the rationalization that "just once in awhile" is ok?

[Doge]

OH my god.  Your usage most closely resembles mine compared to any other story I've ever read.
 

I would go through the same cycle.  Binge, then detox until available again.  Never using daily and usually only going up to 2months clean until I could get my hands on more and the temptation was just too great.

 

Don't let those clean periods fool you.  Addiction is addiction and it is growing stronger every time you go back to it.

Please read my original story here and see if it resembles your current situation. 

 

http://forum.quittingadderall.com/topic/2439-external-intervention/?hl=%2Bexternal+%2Bintervention

 

 

 

If so there is only one way to quit.  Make sure you do not have access.  Do whatever you have to do or this will kill you eventually.

[Doge]

nothing you tell yourself will work to stop the rationalization - addiction is like a split personality.  once the romanticization starts you simply wont want to talk yourself out of it.  tell whoever is supplying you that you are addicted and you need them to stop supplying you.

 

if they are a decent human being they will respect your wishes, otherwise unless they are a thug and you are actually afraid they will hurt you, just threaten to narc on them if that's what it takes.

[Doge]

 

"I think that maybe the rationale I used to delude myself was that each time I went through the withdrawals, and then live normally for most of the month, I convinced myself I had once again conquered my addiction (but also wisely cautioned myself against making the same mistake again).

 

I didn't want to see the bigger picture and admit that it was one long addiction that I was falling victim to, and it was getting stronger every time I relapsed."

[ConstantAwareness]

I can rate in many ways to your experience, at this moment I feel like I have "beat the addiction." And that now it might be safe to try occasional use. That is definitely romanticizing. My only difference is that I cannot just cut it off. I have to find a way to resist on my own. Because honestly, I just know way too many people and friends over the years who I could ask. If I want to find I will find a way...have to just keep telling myself that one will lead to many . Even if it's down the road

[Doge]

It sounds like you are still wrestling with the question of whether or not you are addicted. 

 

Once you've binged.  You are addicted. 

 

 

My only difference is that I cannot just cut it off. I have to find a way to resist on my own. Because honestly, I just know way too many people and friends over the years who I could ask.

 

That's simple.  Tell each and every one of them you are addicted and not to ever give or sell you another pill.  Your noticeable resistance to taking that admittedly difficult step is more evidence of addiction.

 

I don't mean to come across as judgmental in any way whatsoever.

 

I have been where you are and probably much worse.  I'm just trying to tell it like it is.  I wish I could go back and tell myself so I could have gotten off the destructive path sooner.

[AlwaysAwesome]

This is where willpower comes in.  It sounds cliché, but just say no.  Avoid those peeps like the plague.  Erase their numbers.  Make it as hard as possible to get more.  Tell people that you have a problem.  You can't solve a problem if you don't admit you have one.  I am addicted to Adderall.  I will be for the rest of my life.  I can't ever use again, because I can't handle it. 

[Firefly]

Make it as least accessible as you can which it sounds like you have done. Addiction to adderall is tough because it can be easily accessible. Many of us even have drs prescribing it to us. When I got hooked, a month prescription of 60/pills cost $10. Now it went up to $60 before I quit.

You have the keep your reasons in front of you. Write them down and don't rely on your memory to remind you. Your mind is addicted and will tell you lies.

You said you love how you feel and think without it. Remind yourself of why you want to quit.

Mike says in one of the articles on this site that you need to have a vision of what your life will look like without adderall. And by this i mean not just 2 months without adderall but a year and beyond without adderall. This vision needs to be your goal, not just the absence of adderall.

For me, coming to this site has been hugely meaningful. If I hit a low point where I can see myself wanting some I come here. Even if that means multiple times a day or even multiple times an hour.

We are here for you and going through it with you. We also believe that for us life is better without adderall.

[Doge]

I check this site as often or more often than facebook or my email.

 

When I go a few days without checking back here (when I'm travelling or something) it doesn't take long before the cravings start to creep back in.

 

I have an immensely long way to go still in my recovery.

[quit-once]

You have asked a couple of really good questions here.  "How do you stay aware and be vigilant?

Congratulations on solving this problem all by yourself.  "Constant awareness" is the perfect screen name for you.  Every time you log on here you will read that and it will remind you to NEVER let your guard down.  Every time I see my name "quit once" I am reminded that relapse and quitting again is simply not an option if I care about my reputation around here.

Your second question, how do you tell yourself that taking adderall "just once in a while" is never OK?  You have to accept the number one rule of addiction:  once you have crossed the line from occasional and responsible use to abuse and bingeing and addiction, you can NEVER return to casual use, without eventually returning to the addiction..  I have never met or heard of anybody who has gone back across that line and lived happily ever after. 

[MJ4thDimension]

Good stuff, I did the same type of adderall bingeing in college, however it led me to all sorts of other off-topic addictions. Once an individual crosses that line, and develop an addiction, the same patterns have a tendency to be repeated with other substances. It's called cross addiction and I believe it to be valid for most people who develop addictions. I've had years without using any mind altering substances, and if we're just talking about adderall, I hadn't used adderall since 2005-2006... Until mid August, that is. Decided to go back to adderall, among other things, and completely destroyed a very successful and satisfying life I had built from nothing. And I built that great life without adderall or anything else. The only thing that ever worked for me to stay away from this stuff for any significant period of time was to live according to certain spiritual princies that allowed me to manifest the ideal version of myself, the one that the Universe intended for me. When I live like that, I don't even think about using adderrall, in fact the thought would make me sick. I'm not doing too well currently, but I do have experience with recovering from this addiction and figured I'd share what worked in the past. Because quitting is easy. I can quit a million times. It's staying quit that seems to be the problem. I flushed most of my pills 2 days ago, have enough to make to Tuesday, then I crash, burn, and recover.

[ConstantAwareness]

Already twice I've turned it down...once by a person I just met before going to a club and another was a friend. I told both no and explained my new choice to my friend...was and still is extremely tempting..I'm hungover and I really wanted to say yes but didn't. So that's good. The lingering craving is annoying though.

Trying to focus on some of my worst nights/experiences with adderall as motivation

[Doge]

Man life on your campus sounds like an addicts dream....  sorry to hear it's so hard.  Maybe a lifestyle change would help, circle of friends etc.

This is something I'm working on myself: though it has nothing to do with adderall recovery but just life in general.

 

http://illimitablemen.com/2014/04/13/monk-mode/

 

PS - to any women seeing this, It's clearly written for men but no reason it can't apply to women as well obviously

[quit-once]

Hey Doge, thanks for that link.  That was a good half hour read for me and the content was spot-on.  I will be more conscious of those "junk activities" that consume way too much of my time.

[Doge]

 

Many people fail to integrate self-improving behaviour into their lives because they cannot overcome psychological hurdles and are easily distracted by copious amounts of bullshit.

 

This.  Me.  Every God damned day.

[ConstantAwareness]

I relapsed. Been using adderall once or twice a week for the past 6 weeks.

And here I am in the same spot. About a week clean of the stuff, arguing back and forth in my head if I should continue to use occasionally because I haven't had any real problems. It isn't destroying my life. And I like the stuff. It's just

Consuming my thoughts debating back and forth. I'm sick of living this way

[ConstantAwareness]

I need a way to decide what's best . There are cons, but no where near some of the problems I've seen others describe. I think I'm self rationalizing but I need to decide once and for all.

Maybe I can try setting limits but there's no such thing as a weekend user

[Doge]

If you've binged before, I believe it's just a matter of time before your usage style returns to that method.

[quit-once]

Maybe you are not ready to quit yet, right now.  Why does it have to be a decision "once and for all"...all or none?  If your addiction has not progressed to the point that it has fucked up your life or your health, it will be hard to stay quit. 

 

But every hard core addiction eventually leads to a point where one NEEDS to quit for good.  Just be aware that at some point in your life, you will need to quit.   Do you really think you can be a weekend warrior and your addiction will not progress?  I thought I could, and did, use it "just to get shit done on the weekends" for about 6 or 7 years.  But my addiction gradually progressed to a daily habit and by the time I quit, any disruption in my Adderall intake caused me to wilt like a thirsty plant.   

 

Maybe you do not need to experience a rock bottom, but you may need something bad to happen resulting from your Adderall usage to convince you that quitting is in your best interest. 

[SleepyStupid]

 

Maybe you do not need to experience a rock bottom, but you may need something bad to happen resulting from your Adderall usage to convince you that quitting is in your best interest.

this. it's tragic that bottoming out was necessary for me to realize how urgently I needed to stop, i had to feel my health in danger to realize.

my usage was similar to yours at some point, i remember the epic rationalizations I made.

here's the warning : your life may be okay now, but God forbid something bad happens in your life (losing a job, being broke, love life, etc).. the pills will become your escape. it will become the cause of and solution to all of life's problems.

as for reminding myself of the bad times, I have a tape recording of the night I bottomed out, a message to myself. it's 5 minutes of sobbing and pleading for my life. i can barely listen to it.

[Doge]

I feel like we all experience a relative rock bottom.  But it's up to us to decide how low we are willing to let the addiction take us.

 

One person's rock bottom will be different than another person's, but we all experience a "lowest point" of some sort that makes us turn around.

[psychgirl617]

your life may be okay now, but God forbid something bad happens in your life (losing a job, being broke, love life, etc).. the pills will become your escape. it will become the cause of and solution to all of life's problems.

This.