SleepyStupid Posted October 12, 2015 Report Share Posted October 12, 2015 hi friends, i think i'm finally ready to truly quit :/ ive been an addict for ~6 years, almost all of which binge useage. its been getting bad recently- bad like people asking me "are you okay?" every so often. you know when you think you're pulling it off, no one can tell? i have no idea how long ive been lying to myself about that. my binging has become 2 weeks on 2 weeks off till i get my refill. i think usually when i get my refill, im generally awake for 3 or 4 days straight, sometimes 5. then 1 day of rest and 3-4 again. its just become a thing im used to. im very lucky to have a decent job at a small company where the management treats me like their own kid. they know about my "condition" so i get away with a lot of crap like showing up late. also, im really good at what i do, but i know even that is nothing compared to what i might be capable of if i weren't geeked out all the time. im tired of living my life, waiting to be "on" in order to live it. i want to be healthy again- its been so damn long i dont remember what it feels like to be "alive", in shape.. i started dating this girl recently, and its been a very long time. ive been very lonely after losing the love of my life 2 years ago- and i really dont want to screw this up. i caught myself being tweaked out on the phone with her (she couldnt tell, i dont think) and it scared the shit out of me. i dont want to screw this up. anyway, im on day 4. the 2 weeks that im off adderall, it's actually not terrible. i think ive been doing this for so long that i dont get hit with any kind of crippling depression or anything. what im most afraid of is learning to live and have motivation to do things again. i know that within 2-3 weeks, im basically "okay" but ive always been waiting for the refill. i'm a musician and writer but even writing this now is hard.. thanks for reading >_< Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarpeDiem! Posted October 12, 2015 Report Share Posted October 12, 2015 Ohhhh, I know your routine well. Stick with it and you'll see that you can manage to happily live life without adderall, and a productive life at that. I'm just a little over 3 months clean, and I don't regret quitting. I was on a bad downward spiral, and it had to be done. Give yourself lots of rest, yummy food, and be patient. Good job quitting!! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyStupid Posted October 12, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2015 thank you for reading! im so glad there exists a place where people *get* it. people who have been down the same absurd spiral of crap. i tried quitting once, i think i got to month 3, but i dont remember how it felt. how does that feel vs 2 or 3 weeks clean? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarpeDiem! Posted October 12, 2015 Report Share Posted October 12, 2015 I was on aprox 250mg a day for about 15 years. I was very deep into addiction. My recovery has been tough, but doable. Exercise, rest, food, and sleep have been very healing. I also take Wellbutrin, which had really helped. The constant fatigue and brain fog have definitely gotten better at this point, as well as the constant appetite. I'm taking one day at a time, but I'm doing great. The first month wasn't fun at all for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyStupid Posted October 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 congratulations on your 3 months! ive been at about 120+mg a day, but being awake 4 days at a time you kind of lose track of things. in fact its more like you dont want to keep track of how much youve taken because knowing makes it more real than you want.. im also prescribed Wellbutrin 150mg extended release. truthfully, ive never felt its effects because the adderall would cause such extreme highs and lows. i was considering asking my pdoc to raise the wellbutrin dose, but im still kind of scared to tell her about quitting adderall. i know that in the end this is the final commitment to it, and this is what i want, but it still feels so difficult.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarpeDiem! Posted October 13, 2015 Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 I didn't notice my Wellbutrin making much of a difference till I started taking 300mg daily. My dr said that's a good dose for adults, and I started off at 75mg and she worked me up to the 300mg. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted October 13, 2015 Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 Welcome to the forum! Tell your doc. Get it over with...jump in with both feet. There is no need to go back. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted October 13, 2015 Report Share Posted October 13, 2015 your usage was the same as mine. That's no way to live. Proud of you for deciding to walk away finally I agree that telling your doctor is a crucial step. You've wired your brain to be like a two-week-ticking-time-bomb. Quitting through willpower alone will feel impossible after a few months. I relapsed after this long several times because I failed to commit fully and cut off my sources for good. That pattern gets burnt into the skull so easily without realizing it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyStupid Posted October 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2015 you're right, i will definitely tell my therapist i want be off adderall, but i dont think i have the nerves to reveal that it is due to abuse. ive talked to her before about how adderall had affected the way i was in my previous relationship and she knows how devastating that was for me. im going to tell her i want off to ensure this new relationship doesnt start the wrong way. this is actually entirely true and what has finally spurred me to get off this stuff for good. the first time i tried to quit, i actually got drawn back in because her office called and said i hadn't been in for an appointment for a while (silly how one little phone call can change everything..). id like to continue on the Wellbutrin and continue seeing her for therapy, hopefully with enough time i can be weened off that as well. now the next big push is getting myself to start working out- there are also some health related things i need to see a primary care for, im so ashamed of the things ive let happen- to my life, to my body, to my health. adderall cost me my master's degree, and i only had a few credits left to complete. ive neglected hygiene and health for so long, its all so overwhelming to start. what im most scared about is that i fear ive always been "lazy" or unmotivated. i certainly remember a time before adderall that i was HAPPIER, but that was also before i truly became an adult. i dont think ive ever lived a successful adult life off of adderall. basic daily routines that most people have, i dont- cleaning my room, doing laundry, basic chores.. i buy food everyday because im too lazy to cook meals.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted October 15, 2015 Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 basic daily routines that most people have, i dont- cleaning my room, doing laundry, basic chores.. i buy food everyday because im too lazy to cook meals.. totally been there. still working on it but it does come in time. remember, baby steps! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted October 15, 2015 Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 Hey there, welcome! I echo the idea of raising your wellbutrin dosage and telling your dr. that you want to never be prescribed adderall ever again. For people who abuse the stuff and run out early every month, cutting off your suppliers is the only way to make sure you quit for good. I didn't quit until I was cut off, and I know that's true of a lot of people. Probably the reason you are only prescribed 150 mg of wellbutrin is because with adderall in the mix, it's a dangerous seizure-provoking combo. 300mg is the standard dosage. I started it at 6 months after quitting and it's helped ENORMOUSLY. Give it time! You'll gradually have your adderall-free life together and it will be so much more beautiful than you can possibly imagine right now. :) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted October 15, 2015 Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 I ran out early every month, then went through the crash/withdrawal. One of the troubling parts about this process is the way the crash made me feel like I was becoming not-addicted anymore, when in reality the crash itself was part of the addictive ritual that I was creating and strengthening each time I followed the pattern. you're right, i will definitely tell my therapist i want be off adderall, but i dont think i have the nerves to reveal that it is due to abuse Then what's to stop you from changing your mind when you get tempted later and forget how bad it really was? There is NOTHING to be ashamed of in admitting the abuse. The doctor will understand and not judge you. And if he judges you, fuck him! It's not worth delaying your recovery over. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyStupid Posted October 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 One of the troubling parts about this process is the way the crash made me feel like I was becoming not-addicted anymore, when in reality the crash itself was part of the addictive ritual that I was creating and strengthening each time I followed the pattern. this really resonates with me- 7 days out, i dont feel addicted or too terrible aside from low energy and being tired all the time.. but you make a good point that the real challenge begins AFTER the 2 week point.. >_< im already starting to notice certain types of triggers.. the shaking of a pill container, the sound makes me feel kinda funny. i remember when trying to quit before, id getting the drug dreams.. those are the worst. id really like to avoid as many triggers as possible, but its hard to identify those situations or events. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted October 15, 2015 Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 for me riding the train home on a friday (remembering the past where I'd be looking forward to a weekend binge) was a deadly trigger for me 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyStupid Posted October 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?" Marianne Williamson wow, i love this quote!! its absolutely true- if i didnt believe that there was great power or talent within me, i might be okay to just fade into nothing and depression. my deepest fear is that i will never get as close to that power as i have while on adderall but i trust everyone's words, that this will come back in time.. (: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted October 15, 2015 Report Share Posted October 15, 2015 you will surpass it tenfold. you were not as great on adderall as you thought you were 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyStupid Posted October 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2015 you will surpass it tenfold. you were not as great on adderall as you thought you were you're right, i know adderall creates the illusion of grandeur and ability, but it also gives you motivation and energy to actually do things and pursue your dreams. but maybe that's indicative of an underlying problem to begin with. as far back as i can remember, ive always been self medicating one way or another. first it was videogames, then i was a habitual weed smoker, etc. it sucks having an addictive personality 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doge Posted October 16, 2015 Report Share Posted October 16, 2015 yep Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted October 17, 2015 Report Share Posted October 17, 2015 My quote button is broken. Back in post #9 of this thread you said you plan to continue seeing the therapist who caused your last relapse. Does she promote the use of Adderall? She might be a bad influence and too easy of a source of pills when you start second-guessing your Quit. If you don't want to admit you abuse Adderall to her, then give her a bullshit story you had an allergic reaction and got deathly ill and can't take them anymore. Or find another shrink. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyStupid Posted October 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 17, 2015 My quote button is broken. Back in post #9 of this thread you said you plan to continue seeing the therapist who caused your last relapse. Does she promote the use of Adderall? She might be a bad influence and too easy of a source of pills when you start second-guessing your Quit. If you don't want to admit you abuse Adderall to her, then give her a bullshit story you had an allergic reaction and got deathly ill and can't take them anymore. Or find another shrink. this is a possibility I hadnt considered, but I can certainly see her trying to taper me but I know cold turkey is my only option in reality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyStupid Posted November 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2015 today is my first pdoc appointment since quitting. im a bit nervous, but thankfully have not had any second thoughts or temptations these past 3 weeks! the thought of admitting my abuse is still too much for me, but i will be telling her ive been off my meds for weeks, i feel fine, and i will *NOT* be walking out with an adderall prescription today. i am an addict and a binge user- there is no moderation for me, there is no therapeutic value left for me to go back to. i want to thank everyone again for the support- this place is so essential for being a constant reminder of all the terrible things i will never put myself or anyone else through ever again. (: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyStupid Posted November 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2015 I made it out without a script. YESSSSS 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted November 3, 2015 Report Share Posted November 3, 2015 This was a huge day for you. You've got this. Great determination and follow-through. I really didn't think you would be able to back to her without overwhelming temptation. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyStupid Posted November 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 3, 2015 the temptation hit me full force as i was on the way to her office. its scary how you can have such resolve but when your trigger hits, your mind is just flooded with vicious thoughts. she did end up raising my wellbutrin dosage a bit, up to 200mg XR. as much as i want to attribute this victory to will power, i feel that the wellbutrin has leveled me off enough to resist temptation. i think eventually i would like to ween myself off that, but for the time being im okay with just smashing my speed addiction. (: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SleepyStupid Posted November 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted November 7, 2015 in a fucking ironic twist of fate I saw a bottle of d-amp in her bathroom. the girl that iIdecided to quit for is on adderall. i think I'm okay with it. haven't said anything about it yet.. ugh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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