Non user in love with a user and feeling SO confused. All opinions welcomed.

[Yogichris]

Hi Everyone,

First off, I found this site about 8 months ago and have read through numerous stories. I commend each of you for sharing, being open and honest, and having the courage to get off this drug (whether successful or not) you are trying.

I decided to finally create an account to ask for help/your honest opinions. I feel like I'm going crazy lately. Been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years now and it's been a constant up and down rocky ride. Long story short (at least I hope it's short) I had a feeling my bf was on something when we met. It took about 3-4 months until he admitted he's diagnosed with adhd and has been on Adderall after deciding to go back to law school. He's now 36 and when we met had been practicing law for 3 years. He's been on Adderall for about 6 years. I didn't know about the drug but asked how much he took and it started with '1-2' pills. 20mg each instant release. I had a feeling he wasn't being honest and did something bad by going behind his back and counting the pills (I know not good). A lot more were missing but he said he has pills at his office, in his suit pockets, etc and that's probably why the number is off. This past December he finally admitted to me he's prescribed 3 pills daily so 60 mg. at this point, I'd read so much online and it was crazy how much I read mirrored what I experienced with him...irritability, short temper, when he's mad at me and reacts he says terrible things, exhaustion, inability to wake up, works late hours since he can't wake up, vape smoking all the time, drinks with the pill, obsessed with his car, I feel like we rarely spend quality time and he gets mad saying he's busy with work and has other things in his life, we only have sex 1-2 times a week all the other times he's too tired or his stomach hurts, etc...anyway, I shared with him my concern of his long term use and doseage, and even printed out a bunch of articles and peoples stories to read, but he barely glances at them and when he did briefly look it over, said none of it really applied to him. This year, we started couples counseling and I brought up the Adderall (in my opinion this is what's ruining our relationship) but the therapist seemed to think his doseage didn't exceed the maximum amount. I also found out there are days he takes more than 3 pills when work is tough but he claims never more than 4. The agreement was he had to tell me when he took more than 3 pills (the therapist suggested this). The first week it was 3 days and I made a comment that I thought he said it wasn't often he took more than his prescribed amount, which made him mad and of course, now he doesn't share with me how many he's taking. I know he takes them to hang with his friends, to play golf, to do anything.

I guess I'm on here wanting an honest opinion. I feel like I've turned crazy and he's made me feel like I'm controlling and nagging by always questioning him (what time he went to work, what time he woke up, etc). I can't help myself since I love him but I feel like I don't always trust him even though I want to. I'm 35 and want a family and to take care of kids you need balance and need to know how to manage your time. I question him because I so badly want him to make an effort to get up and get to work so he can leave at a reasonable hour and spend time with me. But more often than not, it's me wanting more time and him saying he needs a partner who is understanding he is busy at work, etc. he's blown up at me and told me to get the fuck out of his house. Then he'll call the next day to apologize and I go right back (yes I'm working on my codependent issues). I feel like he spends more time obsessing about his car and cleaning and refilling his vape pen than he does with me. There are times though when he is really kind and loving and holds me and gives what I need. I hold onto these times as this is why I love him. He isn't close to his family, only on holidays they see each other, and his buddy's don't know the extent of his pill useage. I'm the only one who sees him regularly and experience the mood swings and lack of motivation to do much.

Do you guys think this is Adderall abuse? Or perhaps he's just like this and I blame it on Adderall...he thinks I over analyze and make everything about his pills. He says he would want to be around me more if I stopped being so controlling. I know I'm controlling but also feel like I'm being manipulated and mind fucked. I'm so confused...please help with any opinion if you've experienced this in a romantic relationship.

So much for making a long story short. Thanks for reading and best of luck to everyone out there.

- yogi Chris

[Frank B]

Fucking therapist doesn't help you or the relationship. Maybe she or he does not know what adderall does at any dosage. You can't go around counting pills hoping he takes his meds only like the good doctor says. It doesn't matter maybe rethink if you want to be in a relationship with someone who must take amphetamines every day to function. Unless he decides to quit on his own he won't nothing you say or do will change that. With the type of job he has doubt he has any ambition to get off them. If your not married and have no kids why put up with it you deserve better.

[Yogichris]

Thanks for the reply Frank. I guess I wanted to hear if you all thought his behaviors were the result of long term use. It seems like the side effects are; however, I didn't know him off Adderall. I fell in love with him before knowing how much he relied on these pills. I was naive and now understand what this drug can do after reading this forum. Honestly, it makes me want to help him desperately since I love him so much. But he only looks at me controlling, nagging, overly emotional, clingy...and it breaks my heart to leave him since I don't think he'll ever see what the drug is doing and maybe another girl won't even notice. You're right though, counting pills isn't right and he'll never stop unless he decides to. If it helps any of you, I feel addicted to an addict. It's so hard to leave him, but the lows are so low and the highs give me his love. I'm scared I'll walk away and then go back to relapse and contact him.

And btw Frank, I think it's awesome how active you are on here. I always read what you post.

[bluemoon]

Hey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really feel for you. 

 

I definitely think everything that you described is a direct result of long term usage and abuse. 

 

And your therapist sucks. Get rid of him/her. I find it disgusting that the therapist is defending his Adderall abuse. How does it make it ok to take extra pills if he tells you about it? It's never ok to go over your prescribed dose. That is called Adderall abuse and is a sign of addiction. 

 

I know this may not be what you want to hear, but maybe this guy isn't the guy for you. It doesn't sound like he is ready to quit any time soon. If you stick around, let me tell you, there is a long, dark and painful road ahead of you. You deserve so much better!! Go find yourself a man who is loving and attentive and ready for a family. Not someone who's life revolves around pills. 

 

I apologize if my message is a bit harsh. But I just would hate to see you waste any more time on someone who doesn't deserve you. 

[Frank B]

"I don't think he'll ever see what the drug is doing and maybe another girl won't even notice" Maybe not but that's really not your problem. It sounds like him on this medication thinks it's not a problem and will use the "ADHD" excuse. Here is a secret anyone who wants to be diagnosed ADHD can its not hard a simple list of questions answered the right way then your approved for amphetamines. In his mind the pills are justified and helping him which probably is true but it will all crash down sooner or later may be in a month or four years down the line question is you willing to put up with it that long. Thanks for the kind words I come of blunt sometimes not trying to be rude glad you see my good intentions.

[Yogichris]

Thanks Bluemoon. I think this is what I needed to hear...from you and Frank. That what I'm experiencing is Adderall abuse and addiction.

I thought the same thing, how can a Dr. be ok with a patient taking more than the prescribed amount? He made it sound so believable, I was questioning myself and rationale. Hearing you both say it's abuse and addiction validates what I've been thinking the entire time.

Definitely not harsh. You're both real and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Sometimes we want to believe someone's words even though we feel something is off. This was me. And hearing you both say the obvious, it's not going to stop anytime soon, and will be a long dark road if it even does, is something I also needed to hear.

Thank you again for your replies and support. I can't imagine how tough it is being in your shoes but I can tell you...it's inspiring to hear your stories and how hard you're fighting to stay away from this drug. Keep fighting and keep sharing. Bringing awareness to everyone is the key to one day ending the abuse that so often comes with this drug.

Wishing you the best. Btw, I love this quote...'you don't know strength until strength is the only choice you have left.' You are all full of strength...keep choosing it.

[dadof3finallyfree]

For me being involved with someone addicted to Adderall with kids in the picture was and is a horrible horrible experience.  Do your homework and research on here and the internet and please don't confront your BF or put him in a corner to quit or control his pills until you full understand how hard of a drug Adderall is. You will lose every argument most likely and make things worse for you both. Arguing with someone who cant put reality into the picture and someone who has very little if any empathy is just heart breaking especially with kids involved.  It sounds like addiction to me but im no expert but your story above sounded like what I went and am still going through.  I do know that loving someone on Adderall sucked to the lowest degree for me, not everyone is going to be the same but my honest opinion listen to frank and Bluemoon.  Its a diff story though if the person wants to quit.  If they do stand by them and learn about the side effects, if they dont want to quit back away.  You deserve to be happy and there's plenty of cool people out there wanting the same.

[oswhid]

I've wanted to respond to this for several days.  I hesitate because I am not very good at expressing myself.  I am a bit "on the spectrum" so to speak so I can come across as weird or awkward.  Actually, I am weird and awkward. But if you can look past that, I will try my best to give you my perspective.

There are a few of us spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends of users on the board. I think most have ultimately ended their relationships.  If I had not known my husband for 18 years and had 3 kids together before he started taking adderall, I would not have fought so hard to get him off.  But I knew what he was like before.   He was on it for eleven years.  He has been off for 122 days now.    So now after after dealing with the anxiety of having to live with a ticking time bomb, I now have to worry about him relapsing.  It is a constant source of anxiety which I have to mask because I don't want to add stress to him in these early days.  I think if he stays off, we will eventually  be able to have something close to what we had before. We are both working hard at that at least.  For the first time in years, I have hope.

Everything you have described has been my life for over a decade but I had an 18 year history, 3 kids and am not able to support myself.  My advice is to run. Issue a futile ultimatum first if you wish, but run. But whatever you do, do not have kids or lose your financial independence. 

 

Oh, one more thing - that way he twists things around to make you feel like you are they crazy one - it's called gaslighting and adderall users are experts at it. 

[Beback17]

I've been off of Adderall for almost a week, but I like to think I was aware of the affect this drug had on my behavior. 

I am a woman, so I'm on the other side of the coin, but it DID totally mess up my ability to have a decent relationship with anyone. All of the behaviors you list in your post are typical.  I had an off and on again relationship with a man I care for deeply, and the awkwardness that Adderall caused was chaos and cut the budding relationship off at the knees.  I started taking it 3 weeks into our relationship and I could tell, he could tell, something was off. I actually wish he would have said something, but he tends to keep things tucked inside.  I'm sorry you are going through this, but I think you need to leave and let him figure it out himself.  Try to put your feelings aside and consider the following scenarios:

Scenario 1:

Keep trying to fix him.  he will most likely unconsciously lose respect for you and grow to dislike you.  You will become an enabler and he will continue his use.  you will be miserable, and he will get worse:

Scenario 2:

You take responsibility for your own happiness and accept reality.  you tell him why you are leaving and that you wish him the best - do not give him an ultimatum - Just tell him what you are doing and why, and leave.  1 of 2 things will happen:

                           1) time will pass (maybe a lot of time) and he will really begin to miss you and think about things.  he will also have more respect for your because you stood your ground and you chose your happiness over his addiction.  he will begin working to quit for HIMSELF because he will realize he lost a good thing.  He will try to win you back; OR

                            2) He will continue using and bottle up his emotions or manipulate you to come back.  If this is what he does - dump the motherfucker for good, he's not worth it.

 

this will ultimately test his character.  But I can't stress the point enough, you have to tell him  ​why you are breaking up with him - because his Adderall use is causing behaviors that are not acceptable for you.

 

Good luck Chica! And DO NOT do what some chicks do - follow him into Adderall hell.  that is just stupid!

[Beback17]

Also - fire your therapist - he/she is either an idiot or taking Adderall too.

[bluemoon]

Maisy, I was thinking the same thing - that maybe the therapist is on Adderall too lol

 

oswhid - You're right about the gaslighting. When I was on Adderall, nothing was ever my fault and I blamed everything on others, particularly my boyfriend at the time. I always made it seem like every problem in our relationship was his fault. And I surely would never let the pills take the blame. I "NEEDED" them (or so I was convinced at the time)... it is so fucked up thinking about what kind of person I was when I was taking those pills. It makes me so angry at myself! 

 

Yogichris, thanks for the kind words/support.

I hope you follow your heart and do what is best for you. You've gotten lots of great advice here. We are all here to talk any time!

[Yogichris]

Thank you Dadof3finallyfree.  Great advice….from EVERYONE.  It does suck for the person not on Adderall loving the person on it.  I never thought of it that way.  You sound like a wonderful father who’s been through a lot.  I hope your wife will eventually make the decision to quit. And I’d absolutely stay with him if he ever decided to quit.  Unfortunately, I have a feeling this may not happen anytime soon.   

 

Hearing more from all of you has helped me to fully know what I need to do.  As you all said, I can’t make him stop, but I will make sure he knows why I’m leaving and my concern.

 

Oswhid, you hardly sound awkward writing or expressing yourself and I welcome the advice, thank you so much for sharing.  (Plus I like weird and awkward so own it    ).  18 years is a long time and it sounds like you and your husband are fighting to get back to where things used to be.  I know firsthand how anxiety feels and that constant walking on egg shells feeling.  It’s not fun and makes you almost feel crazy.  I hope you make time for yourself, to give to YOU, so you can continue to be the glue for your family.  And as much as you’re financially dependent on him, know that he depends on you emotionally and you take care of him and the kids.  It sounds like you have a ton of love for your family and there is no price or salary that could ever replace that.  Thanks for chiming in, I’m glad you decided to reply and appreciate your opinion, as again, it’s cemented in  my mind what I know to be true.

 

Maisy14* ….My gosh, I’m going to do this, still getting the courage to walk away finally, but will do it.  You painted the 2 scenarios perfectly and I have been continuing to play out scenario #1 for far too long now.  I can see that I’ve lost myself and his respect for me, only enabling his behaviors as you said.  Reading your words made it a reality for me.  Thanks for the extra push and putting things into perspective.  And congrats on 1 week down, keep it going!

I was reading about gaslight, had not heard about it until oswhid mentioned it.  Omg, I had no clue there was a definition for it.  He has been gaslighting me the entire relationship and I’m shocked at how I fell for it completely. Wow. It’s chipped away at my self-worth. 

Sorry for the lengthy response, but I want you to each know how grateful I am you replied.  I was nervous to post but this forum is amazing and a saving grace.  I feel so much support and love from you and for each of you.  I look forward to continuing to read your stories and journey to quit. 

 

PS obviously my user name says it all…but yoga has helped me with so much in life (depression and anxiety).  I highly recommend it as a form of therapy in quitting as well.  Happy to help answer any questions related as well

[Cassie]

I agree with the posters above and the gaslighting comment in particular. That's a common behavior of addicts and narcissists, and I certainly did that to my husband (now ex) when I was using. Don't let fear of not finding someone else stop you from leaving. There are plenty of better, sober guys out there for you. After you get out of your draining relationship you'll think, "Why didn't I do this sooner?" That's how I felt after my divorce (I had been off adderall for years at that point but he was an alcoholic and l wasn't willing to put up with it anymore.)

[Beback17]

 

 

Maisy14* ….My gosh, I’m going to do this, still getting the courage to walk away finally, but will do it.  You painted the 2 scenarios perfectly and I have been continuing to play out scenario #1 for far too long now.  I can see that I’ve lost myself and his respect for me, only enabling his behaviors as you said.  Reading your words made it a reality for me.  Thanks for the extra push and putting things into perspective.  And congrats on 1 week down, keep it going!

 

I hope you do for your own sake and practice patience until you are over it.  It is definitely easier said than done.  I have faith in you sister!

 

[Yogichris]

Thank you Cassie, you nailed it on the head.  And thanks again Maisy14*.  Hope this week has gone well for all of you.

 

Much love to everyone

[survived]

It sounds to me like this whole personality is made up of Adderall. All the stuff you're saying sounds too familar to me, because I was that person.

 

Adderall makes you feel like you're "busy" and you have all sorts of stuff going on. He probably truly does feel that way when he tells you he's too busy to spend time with you.

 

Anyhow the medication has got to go. But there's no way you can force him to do so. What I would do in your situation is leave, and when you  leave I would tell him it's because of the pills and if he wants you back he needs to quit them.

 

Adderall right now is his number #1, but if he feels the pain of you when you're actually gone, he then might actually consider getting off the medication.

 

 

 

 

[survived]

I just realized I'm super late to the post! But I hope this can help someone else.

[Yogichris]

Thanks for your reply Survived. I did finally leave him about 1-2 weeks ago and wrote him a long letter about my concern and even pasted some stories from this site. He hasn't read it yet but hoping one day he does. We did see each other twice already, which I'm sure isn't helping, as then he gets to be on his own and see me randomly which isn't a real commitment but perfect for him. I know I need to stop seeing him completely for it to sink in. Just so hard since I love him so much. But I think for him to see what the pills are doing I should cut off all contact. So much easier said than done. Thank you again for all your advice.

[Doge]

Having time to hang out with friends, or play sports, or go out drinking, (and even taking pills to do these things at all costs), but never having time for you is a common theme I hear from partners of users posting on this site.

 

I think it's because all the other things, there is some sort of activity involved, that adderall makes you better at.  It makes you better at drinking, better at golfing, better at hockey, etc.  But it takes away your ability to just be available and be who you are for the other person to enjoy being with.

 

There are so many analogies between addiction and abusive relationships.  You are what is good for your boyfriend, and the right choice to make, but adderall is what he chooses anyway, every time.  It's really sad.

 

I think you made the right choice for yourself by getting out of that situation.  Sorry for the pain and I hope you find healing.

[Yogichris]

Having time to hang out with friends, or play sports, or go out drinking, (and even taking pills to do these things at all costs), but never having time for you is a common theme I hear from partners of users posting on this site.

 

I think it's because all the other things, there is some sort of activity involved, that adderall makes you better at.  It makes you better at drinking, better at golfing, better at hockey, etc.  But it takes away your ability to just be available and be who you are for the other person to enjoy being with.

 

There are so many analogies between addiction and abusive relationships.  You are what is good for your boyfriend, and the right choice to make, but adderall is what he chooses anyway, every time.  It's really sad.

 

I think you made the right choice for yourself by getting out of that situation.  Sorry for the pain and I hope you find healing.

 

Hearing you say it Doge, since you'be been on the other side as well, helps.  Thanks.  In a strange way its comforting to hear others who are partners of someone on adderall have felt the same as me.  And how it's taking away from him the ability to be present with another person.  Thanks for your reply.  Hearing more from each of you makes me feel less crazy each day. Very sad still but not so crazy feeling.