I relapsed for the last time and I want to share some of my story.

[jasonl2017]

Hi everyone. My name is Jason. Before I go into a little of my story I'd like to tell anyone reading this that I relapsed (again) last week. Much like I have time and time again, month after month, I went back to what I know. The thing I hate most.

Last month on the 5th (my birthday) I shamefully refilled another script and thought about being 24. It was hard processing that. It was also hard processing that it had been just under 4 years since I first had been prescribed adderall. Four years filled with the highest highs very quickly being followed by the darkest, lowest lows of my life. I cannot tell you the number of times I thought about and entertained the idea of ending my own life during those four years. I'd find myself month after month awake for days, running around tweaked out of my mind. During the darkest period of my use, I had three full psychotic breaks. Completely detached from reality, irrational and convinced that organized gang stalking was real. That people were following me, that they had cameras watching my disgusting, abhorrent behavior. I have used during most of my five year long relationship with my boyfriend. Several times I almost busted through his door banging on it at 3 or 4 am thinking that he was cheating on me. I could go on and on, but I'll spare you the rest.

All of this is rushing through my mind on my birthday along with the drugs. I really tried to use properly, like I always tried to do and failed. I had a million reasons to run as far away from adderall as I could go. But here we are again. Of course I couldn't use correctly, it was just like any other month. Every day of this bender was usually a shame-filled mess of me crying. And I realized that I was sick of it. Wanted to be off the roller coaster

I had to quit. I bought the narcotics anonymous handbook to read on my iPad (spoiler: it painted a picture of myself to a T, highly recommend), downloaded a sobriety tracking app and did it. I made it through the holidays! I was tired everyday and only watched to binge watch Netflix and eat whenever I was awake, but it wasn't too bad. I had a three-week break off of school which helped a lot. One of the reasons I knew this would be the best and probably only time I could quit and have a somewhat advantage of three weeks ahead to recover with no schoolwork or classes, etc. Each day I really loved the days adding up on the sobriety tracker. It filled me with pride about the choice I made and gave me a little bit of joy each time I hit one of the 'milestones'. Trying not to make this sound like an ad but all joking aside it really helped. I was getting more social each day and doing more work around my place. Feeling like I was going to be alright.

Then school started back on Wednesday and right off the bat I had a big project I needed to start on. It was a group project so I had to build an iPhone app to spec in 5 days with 2 other students in my class. Terrible terrible terrible way I had to start class off. The whole first day I had no motivation. Wrote maybe 50 lines of code and moped around all day complaining about my tiredness. I already knew that tomorrow (Thursday) was the day of my appointment because the doctor's office automated appointment reminder called a few days earlier, ruining pretty much all of the progress I had made over the previous 2 weeks. As soon as I got that message I felt a pit in my stomach. i just needed an excuse. And what better excuse than needing my energy and focus back to do this project.

I remember driving in my car when that slow burn started to happen and as it got stronger and stronger, I felt that the feeling of relief I used to get during this time was replaced with terror and shame. I sat there alone crying my eyes out. Now fast-forward to today: my tracking app shows "1 day" again. It shows my first attempt, and now it shows my week of use. But hey, that's okay! I need to learn through this process to go easy on and love myself.

 

And finally! Here's what I'm proactively doing / have done to keep myself far away of any situation that will cause me to use again:

- I called my doctor's office and cancelled my three-month refill appointment while also letting them know I have decided to no longer be treated for my ADHD (that one hurt just a bit to do, lol)

- Tore up the other two printed scripts (all of these steps killed me honestly)

- Made an account here with you guys so I can converse and let you know how it's going for me  and also have some accountability.

 

I'm not naive. I know this will be the hardest thing I've ever done. But I want to find myself again -- the person adderall stole from me. Thank you for taking the time to read a little bit of my story. I'm going to eat a good lunch and then go back to bed for awhile.   -Jason

[StillOffAndConfused]

Hang in there Jason. You are in the right place. 

[Cheeri0]

Hi Jason, welcome to the forums, you're in the right place. SO much of your story reminds me of me. I was 24 when I got clean, I code for a living (there's so much adderall allure in our field), and Narcotics Anonymous was my saving grace. You can do this!! My favorite piece of NA literature is Living Clean: The Journey Continues. I highly recommend it. Meetings were also a Godsend for me also, and I have 2 years 4 months this week!

It gets better. It's not easy, but it gets better. I've also been psychotic, paranoid, and isolated. I don't know how I endured that hell for so long but there's a better way to live, and by making this account you've taken a step in finding it for yourself. Keep reaching out and keep posting, we're here for you and we understand.

[SleepyStupid]

hi Jason,

welcome to our community! glad you decided to join us - there's such a wealth of knowledge and experience here, i can safely say it was the single greatest source of power during my recovery.

33 minutes ago, jasonl2017 said:

I already knew that tomorrow (Thursday) was the day of my appointment because the doctor's office automated appointment reminder called a few days earlier, ruining pretty much all of the progress I had made over the previous 2 weeks.

same thing happened to me during one of my attempts at quitting. at the time, my pdoc would not pre-write scripts, so i would have to call in and pick it up each month. i simply stopped calling and showing up, and i was clean for about 3 months. then.. i received the quarterly appointment reminder phone call. it's scary how visceral a reaction that simple phone call can make.

it's so great that you have the support of your boyfriend - don't let him down! (:

[Frank B]

Congrats on tossing your meds away and getting rid of future scripts. I still have a short video of the day I put mine in the paper shredder as a reminder of the day I quit for good. 

[joeshmo]

Thanks for sharing your story Jason. I'm beginning my journey as well. Wanting it for yourself is a must but also know that people in your life care about you and want you to be the best you possible. Hang in there! 

[jasonl2017]

Good morning everyone. Happy Valentine's Day. Today marks 31 days clean, which I am very thankful for. School is going... okay. I did very well with a project week that I completed. Proud of myself for that. Got started with Labs at the beginning of the week and it's going alright. Some days I catch a glimpse of the real me that I'm trying so hard to get to know. Some days though it's rough and I usually am exhausted and my muscles have been aching like crazy, flu-like symptoms every day it seems like. But I am hanging in there... I haven't had 31 days clean since 2017. Thank you all for the kind comments, btw. I really appreciate all of them. ♥

[JF99]

Way to go, Jason. Happy to see this news!

[SleepyStupid]

congrats on a month! doing "okay" at school is actually phenomenal for where you're at!

muscle aches are the worst - but TBH nothing compared to the muscle aches from being ON adderall. i remember there were some days i'd wake up and feel like i got hit by a truck. it was scary stuff.

keep on keeping on (: