Dexedrine - The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

[correctfigure]

Hey everyone, thought I'd share my own story of struggling with dexedrine addiction over the past year or two. At the time of writing, I've been clean for about 2-3 weeks and am finally regaining some sense of control over my mind/ life. Running/ exercise and music have really helped in that regard. For reference, I'm a 21-year-old male from Europe, currently one year away from graduating university (I go to school in the U.S.)

 

The Good

 

I was first introduced to the drug by my best friend about 1.5 years ago- at that time, my own experience with drugs really only consisted of weed (was a massive stoner at the time) and a few occasional encounters with cocaine and shrooms. My friend had been diagnosed with ADHD from a very early age and had access to a very generous Dexedrine script. As we needed to cram through a relatively important assignment by EOD, he enthusiastically suggested I take some Dex- and as this was an important course, I said fuck it and accepted his offer. It was around 1 pm at the time, he gave me a 15mg XR and two 5mg IR pills, which I took all at once, not expecting much. About 45mins to an hour I really felt it kick in- the only way I could describe it at the time was that it felt like cocaine, but much more controlled and relaxed. I spent the next 9-10 hours demolishing the assignment, before moving onto other schoolwork- I probably completed about a week's worth of work in one sitting. Music sounded unbelievable, my Juul was hitting me on a different level, and I couldn’t stop talking. Although I didn't get a moments sleep and was later introduced to the hell that is as an amphetamine come down, I was fucking sold. For the remainder of the term, I would study with my friend every chance I could, largely to get my hands on more of those magic orange pills, which he was only too happy to provide. My grades shot up, I achieved nothing but As and Bs that term, ending the year with my highest average throughout my time at university. I used the stuff wisely too- when I had no schoolwork left, I applied to internships and jobs like never before, managing to secure a dream position at an investment bank that summer. By the time the exams ended and the term came to a close, I felt unbelievably grateful to have been introduced to this miracle drug- for once in my life/ university career, everything seemed to be under control and headed in the right direction- good grades, great job lines up for the summer and I had been accepted into the exchange program at my university. 

 

The Bad

 

There were a few early signals that these new habits were not as perfect as I perhaps imagined. For instance, at the end of the term I remember feeling sad that my exams were over because it meant no more dex-fueled study sessions- looking back, this should have been a major indicator that I was already becoming addicted/ dependent: what kind of fucking student is sad that final exams are over? (Lol). When I got back home to Europe that summer, those first days without access to dex I found myself in a lifeless, depressed state. Regardless, my new job and a generally fun time seeing old friends and partying got me through that summer. But in the back of my mind, I kept thinking about my first study sesh once I was back at school and reunited with my mate (we were both going to be spending the term on exchange). Whilst going on exchange during uni is supposed one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences, spent partying and meeting new friends, it wouldn’t be the case for me. I ended up bullshitting my way to getting a prescription practically the first week of school. I justified spending my days locked in my room studying by telling everyone I was taking a difficult courseload, made worse because it was a new/ different uni. The reality is that at this point I was completely hooked on dex- my daily intake typically hovered around the 50-60mg mark. I would pop them as soon I woke up and would spend the day going through my list of tasks like a robot with intermittent Juul breaks, whilst drinking absurd amounts of water due to the dry mouth. At the end of the day, I would deal with the comedown by smoking absurd amounts of weed- not a particularly healthy combination (mentally and physically). Although the point was to ace all my courses, it started having the opposite effect- although I spent all day studying and working my grades suffered more because I was rarely in class, usually skipping because I had been unable to get any sleep the night before. I lost all sense of enjoyment for the things I used to love- I stopped working out and playing sports completely, and I hadn’t come close to having sex all term (for perspective, I’d pulled 5-6 times that summer). Overall, dex addiction totally ruined what should’ve otherwise been a fantastic experience on exchange. 

 

The Ugly

 

We now arrive at the present aka this past school term until it was cut short by coronavirus. At this point, my life mostly consisted of binging dexedrine once I picked up my script, pulling 2/3 all-nighters a week and the occasional back-to-back one. Because I was consuming absurd amounts of the stuff, I’d usually finish my monthly supply within 10-15 days, the spending the time until my next refill as a lazy lump, mostly smoking weed and aimlessly picking around on the internet. I looked like shit- my weight fluctuated constantly and many of my friends remarked that I looked “older”, likely due to how little sleep I usually got. My logic or justification was that this was just temporary- a necessary evil to achieve the ultimate goal of graduating uni and moving onto the next stage of my life. When school moved online due to the coronavirus pandemic a few weeks ago, I ended up going back to my parents house  back in Europe again where I was able to quickly transfer my American script and get access to the local equivalent. As usual, I wolfed down my script in no time (took only 10 days or so), but at this point my productivity is nowhere near what it once used to be, and my comedowns are causing me more anxiety than ever. The worst effects, however, would come once I ran out- as I had what can only be defined as a psychotic episode. Whilst attempting to sleep after a 2-3 day binge, I felI into a stream of 5-6 bouts of sleep paralysis in the space of an hour, which is terrifying enough to begin with, but each time felt so intense that I seriously thought I was fully awake and having a stroke. I have been able to really recognise the extent of my addiction/ dependency over these past few weeks- mostly bc of the fact that I’m in my parents company (who can clearly see my mood swings/ changes in behaviour) and that there’s really no need at this point (moving online basically ended the school term early and most of the outside world is on hold atm). As I really have no reason to try and get more of the stuff (and definitely wouldn’t be able to somehow justify it to my parents), I decided that enough is enough- a long break is needed. 

[quit-once]

So do you have a plan for quitting? or are you just waiting it out until the next script can be filled.  What will be different when the time to refill comes along?

It sounds like taking speed is an inconvenient addiction, at worst.  The psychotic break does sound scarry.  Are you sure you are ready to quit now?   

[SleepyStupid]

hi @correctfigure

welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing your story - i'm sorry to hear that dex robbed you of some great college experiences. thankfully, it sounds like that's about the extent of the damage you've done thus far, so NOW is the time to make a permanent commitment to quit. you've already graduated to binge use regularly, which effectively means you will never be able to go back to any kind of controlled usage (not that controlled usage is all that much better).

you yourself admit that the dex no longer improves your productivity or really anything. believe me when i tell you: it will never go back to the way it was. the magic is gone, it's time to move on - there's no better opportunity than now when the whole world is on pause!

as @quit-once suggested, you should take some time to consider a proper plan rather than treating this time as a "long break". thinking of this time as a break is dangerous, you aren't forced to deal with the problem and put into place better habits and support structures.

gl and keep us posted (:

 

[Doge]

agreed.  I notice you conclude with the decision that a long break is needed.  I promise you I've tried that.  I took almost a year off (intending to quit), but in a day of weakness I decided that should be enough to reset myself, and go back to using responsibly like in the honeymoon phase.  it won't happen.  you'll go RIGHT back to your maximum level of abuse and probably start incrementally making it worse and worse as time goes on (which is precisely what I did).  you are so young, it's such a good time to quit.  (not take a break!)  enjoy the positivity that comes from that!

I recommend you take immediate steps to get your prescription cut off, while you're seeing things clearly.  your doctor won't judge you.  in fact from the stories I hear the problem is often the opposite.  the doctors often tend to think addicts are just overreacting or dramatizing the problem.

[StartingOver3]

Bro,

Kick this addiction NOW. You have your life to look forward to: marrying someone, starting a family, making memories with family and friends, finding a nice vocation, etc. All of this will be WRECKED by Dex if you resume your prescription, I PROMISE. I have a thread on here where I share my original story and 8 years worth of updates if you want to check it out. It’s called “it’s my time.” If you filter the threads by “most views” it has like 13,000+ views. Check it out. 
 

I love you man. Make the right decision. Praying for you now. 

[correctfigure]

Hey guys, just following up on my post. Really appreciate you all taking the time to read the post and thank you for the kind advice provided. It's currently been about 3 weeks since the last time I took any dex, which is the longest streak I've probably had in 2 years. To provide some context, I actually typed out that post sometime in April, but only posted it here in June when I found this forum, which has helped me enormously in gaining some perspective on the situation and learn from others.

@quit-once hit the nail on the head by describing my addiction an "inconvenient", which is why I think I justified it for so long. As you might have guessed from my casual tone, indeed nothing changed when my refill became available. Rather, I just pushed myself to be more creative when thinking of ways to get it earlier and reasons to justify needing it to my parents. I'm posting this update today because it marks the day that I normally would have been able to access my refill. I just can't choose a lifestyle that revolves entirely around my meds any longer.

Drug addiction is a scary fucking thing man. If I think the person I was 5 years ago saw me today, he'd just be disappointed and/ or disgusted. During one of my comedowns after a binge a few weeks ago, I wrote up a list entitled 'Reasons to Quit' and realized the level of self-destruction I had reached was honestly just sad. @sleepystupid is absolutely right about needing a plan- recreating a new daily routine for myself helped immensely in this sense and was refreshing. The more time I spend sober, the more stable I feel, and I hope to continue building a foundation to live a life that is free of this shit.

What scares me is that in barely two months university will resume and I have a rough final year ahead of me what with finding a full-time job and everything. Being able to transition from 'taking a break' to 'never again' is a step I know deep down I have to take. As @Doge rightly pointed out, if I get back on dex I know it'll just be right back to where I left off. The honeymoon phase just doesn't exist anymore. 

@StartingOver3 thanks for sharing your post, it actually resonated with me on another level. Your story is fucking inspiring man. You're right about needing to experience life for what it really is, both the shit parts and the good. Sobriety has made me realize all the small, beautiful things in life I've been missing. How good food tastes when you cook it yourself. The joy of discovering a new song or artist I really like. Feeling butterflies when I make a pretty girl laugh or smile. I know it sounds cheesy, but I think anyone who has gone through addiction understands this feeling. That 'pure' feeling of really living life after spending so much time in an artificial reality you fabricate for yourself. It's just been so good to slowly regain glimpses of who I really am as a person. 

Anyways, just wanted to follow up because I really appreciated you guys taking the time to provide your input  

Hope you're all having a beautiful day. Much love, 

CorrectFigure

 

[correctfigure]

40 minutes ago, KemBLott said:

YOu know sometime when you post something or someone elses posts something and then you post back, Can this really be considered a tango or slow dance around one anothers topic?

What on earth are you talking about?

[SleepyStupid]

@correctfigure the bots are always getting smarter, don't let it bother you (:

it's been a while since you've posted - how are you doing these days? hoping that you're now ~6 months clean?