Relapse in sight

[slowdown123]

Hello,

I am almost a week over 5 months completely sober. I was a ~30mg IR-weed-tobacco user for the last 4 years or so. As of now, everyday is getting harder. I was doing alright until I had my wisdom teeth removed last week and was prescribed a week's worth of Percocet. I went through the whole bottle and was reminded what dopamine felt like. I have scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist and am planning to get back on the meds. I am tired of being tired and having no motivation to do anything. Reading some of these posts has given me hope for the future, but I may just be someone who is better functioning with medication than without for the time being. 

[SleepyStupid]

hi @slowdown123

i'm sorry to hear about your decision to return to meds. i think what's missing in your post is the reason you decided to quit in the first place. are those reasons all still valid? you've probably read enough posts here to know that when you return to the meds, it may feel great for a short while, but you will be right back to all the negative effects fairly quickly. the 5-12 month recovery period is honestly the most brutal, because you're past the acute lethargy but you don't know how to use your new energy for anything.

23 hours ago, slowdown123 said:

but I may just be someone who is better functioning with medication than without for the time being. 

i don't mean to shame you or anything, but if you're going to resign yourself to using medication again, at least be confident in that decision. "for the time being" just sounds like deep down you know it isn't the right decision, but you don't have the strength to continue. let me tell you something: when you inevitably decide to quit again in the future, it will be that much harder to quit. you already have 5 months sober - it will NEVER get easier than RIGHT NOW to quit. your life will not suddenly become easier or less complicated in the future, there will never be a better time to quit. 

your decision to return to the psychiatrist is in part due to the recent usage of pain killers which have reactivated pathways you've worked hard to close. at least give yourself a few weeks to move past this episode with Percocet, then reassess whether you really want to return to medication.

gl and keep us posted, we're here to help (:

[DelaneyJuliette]

I relate so much #slowdown123.  I'm having so much trouble with the motivation to not be on meds.  I agree with you sleepstupid, b/c for me it is 100% that deep down I know it isn't the right decision but I don't feel like I have the strength to do what I need to do in life and also stop.  I tell myself that I cannot tolerate acute lethargy for 5 to 12 months.  Is that true?  Who knows.  It feels true.  It is so frustrating.  I mean, the good news is that I am doing better, I am changing, I am recognizing that this isn't a sudden one day all or nothing decision, and I keep coming back.  So it's better than it was.  AND... it's 4:15am and I just spent the past 4 hours researching children's loft beds for the house I'm going to move into in November.  That is INSANE.  So there's that.  It's the whole, "everything is important" on this medication.... and I STILL procrastinate the stuff that is actually important (like stuff for work) but spend crazy time on the other stuff.  How do I get unstuck?!  Recently I have had the thought, maybe I am just someone who is better functioning with medication for now.  (And your post is spot on.  The fact that I say for now means that I don't really believe that I am a person who is better functioning on these meds... it means that I don't feel like I have it within me to face life during the comedown.    I feel enough up and downs as it is, and I feel more existential angst than I care to experience.  Off meds that stuff is going to be 100x worse.  I justify it by telling myself that my family is better off if they don't have to go through me going through that.  I fantasize about taking time off and detoxing from all of this stuff.  Well why don't I do that then?  Shame and fear.  Shame b/c I don't want to admit how much it would help, shame and fear about keeping it secret from everyone except my husband... fear of shame from him, fear of what I would tell my kids and then how they would handle that... fear that it is too quick of a "come off" and I'd end up relapsing after.  I convince myself that I can taper down myself... b/c I did that successfully before.  But... But... I keep not making a solid plan with accountability that I stick to.  B/c when it's not 4am and I'm miserable it's like I don't care.  I honestly feel like I'd RATHER go through life this way than feel all the icky and awful.   But I know that is temporary.  I mean, I know all life has icky stuff but I have had years of sobriety in the past.  Why can't I get motivated enough to care enough to do this?  I just don't want to feel.  Ugh.  The good news is that I haven't snorted it in over a month (and before that I slipped two days but had 40 days prior to that.)  So I feel stupid saying I'm proud of myself for that but I am.  It has been hard, b/c my tolerance is so high that is often the only way I can feel it.  But, a problem I have noticed now is that I haven't let myself think about a taper plan until I got far enough away from the snorting it that I was stable from that.  And I think that has been a good plan.  But... now it's that time.  I had this thought a month ago and I slipped.  And spent another month getting stable from it.  I will not slip this time, but I am acutely aware that I can't keep using that as a justification b/c it isn't going to keep working.  Maybe I can make an agreement that if I DON'T taper, I will go to detox.  That would be some damn good motivation to stick it out b/c I really don't want to do that.  But... but... do I care enough to put this plan in place?  UGH.  I hate ambivalence!  I hate contemplation.  Thank you all for being here. 

[Doge]

On 8/29/2020 at 2:19 AM, DelaneyJuliette said:

I tell myself that I cannot tolerate acute lethargy for 5 to 12 months.  Is that true?  Who knows.  It feels true.  It is so frustrating.

How about just one more day?  Can you handle it for one more day?  Try to keep yourself thinking in those terms.  Because then tomorrow, you can ask yourself the same question.  Can you take it for just one more day?  Just focus on the next step which is getting through the day.  You don't have to deal with the whole upcoming year right now.  Just today.  It sounds cheesy but I promise it helps!

A few of those days go by and then you probably had at least one that was a sliver better than days past, and it will gradually get easier with time.

This too shall pass.

PS - I really miss the tickers in our signatures.  It used to be so encouraging to watch it go up each day. :'(

[SleepyStupid]

On 9/5/2020 at 9:52 AM, Doge said:

PS - I really miss the tickers in our signatures.  It used to be so encouraging to watch it go up each day. :'(

ooo i remember those! we have some forum software updates we're looking into, but i'll see if signatures is something we can bring back (: