This time it's for real.

[GRF]

My story of getting hooked is similar to most - what started as a fun college exam buzz steadily launched into 6 years of prescriptions (that I have never told a soul about). But in the last 2-3 years it has dramatically changed its hold on me. I've gone from thinking "HOW is everyone not on this magical elixir" to "HOW is anyone even remotely functioning without taking their daily fix?!!?".

Somewhere along the line it became my identity and my crutch that I COULD NEVER do without. Going 'sober' on a Saturday morning felt like living inside a hollow shell of cloudy irritability. The moment it wore off in the evening it felt like exhaustion knocked the wind out of me, but at the same time the incessant NEED for stimulation never ceased - my screen time = straight up despicable. 

Anyway - I took a one month break back in May and (even in that short amount of time) I felt astonishingly different - re-engaged, more connected, actually at peace in relaxing moments, more ALIVE, FUNNIER, cooler.... BETTER. I wasn't ready to quit for good unfortunately (because work just wasn't a carnival anymore! wah!), I just wanted to see what the break would do. And then back I was to my daily song and dance one month later.

Recently I was proposed to. FINALLY! Something I have been waiting for since I was old enough to understand what engagement was. And, could you even believe it, my tweaked out brain was miles away from what should have been one of the most magnificent and memorable moments in our love story. As soon as he bent to one knee and I felt my mind splintering into a million places (not in a good way) I knew it HAD to be it. I am done. No more of this. This is a GARBAGE way to live. No more muting my spectacular self for a faux feeling.

I found this site through Reddit and it shifted everything into perspective. It is absolutely brilliant and I am SO GOD DAMN inspired by all of you. Thank you. You speak my fucking language.

No more missing life's most precious moments and intricate details for the sake of getting a gold star from a job that could give a shit. No more thinking 6 steps ahead to a note I'd like to take or an email I would like to send for a project that does not fucking matter. No more nights of trash sleep or running off the daily caloric intake of a single mozzarella stick. no more MISSING my life to do... meth! 

Anyway, I want to tell you I am a week in and feel amazing already (and by amazing I mean needing 10 hours of sleep a night, long breaks between every task and mood swings a-plenty)... but I am PRESENT and hungry and HERE. And bitch I ain't goin back.

I would love to hear from others on what it all feels like 6 months down the road, 1 year.. beyond then? Would LIVE for any inspo you can share on the feelings that go beyond week 1 / month 1 and where I can set my sights on next. Because this is not an IF this is a WHEN and I am really, truly excited.

 

Thank you for listening : )

[lawstudent13]

Congratulations on 6 months!! Good for you. Keep it up 

[m34]

The first 6 months to a yr are the hardest. Just keep going and be kind to yourself while you are going through it. It took me yrs of wanting to quit and trying  to finally quit. You will never be ready to quit. You will always have a  reason, but the sooner you quit the sooner you can move forward with your life. Also, it never gets better on the pills you will always stay in the same cycle until you break it! Cold turkey was the only thing that worked for me..it was hell but so worth it! Good luck!! 

[SleepyStupid]

On 7/8/2021 at 3:47 PM, GRF said:

Anyway, I want to tell you I am a week in and feel amazing already (and by amazing I mean needing 10 hours of sleep a night, long breaks between every task and mood swings a-plenty)... but I am PRESENT and hungry and HERE. And bitch I ain't goin back.

YES totally this! If I had to add more to my username, it would have been SleepyStupidStarving . enjoying the simple things is surprisingly effective early on in recovery - being a blob, taking naps, eating the everything, binging Netflix (I had no patience for TV or movies on Adderall!).

to be honest, things will get harder after the initial few months. right now, being off Adderall probably feels like a drug vacation, whether you realize it or not. we always say around here "be kind to yourself", which is certainly important, but you also need to strategize for all the stuff that is going to suck - specifically being productive at work and school. and to be clear, "productive" no longer means retyping the same 4 line email over and over till its perfect lol. of course you should still have pride in your work, but pumping out the bare minimum during intermittent periods of productivity will become the norm for a little while.

stimulants build a life for themselves - it's now time to build a life for YOU! (:

gl and keep us posted!

[GRF]

2 months down and feel exceptional. Sleeping lots, increasingly patient, present AF, hungry always, day dreaming, developing a love for routine exercise (4 days a week!), my relationship has NEVER been stronger, sillier or more important to me. If you had asked me 2 months ago if this would EVER be me I would have called you insane. If I can do this ANYONE can. 

 

IT - IS - SO - WORTH IT.

onwards!

[SleepyStupid]

this is awesome news!! congrats on 2 months. the "sillier" part really resonates with me. I remember feeling the exact same way, like I was too silly for real life all of a sudden 

[GRF]

2.5 months down and feeling A LOT of emotions these past few weeks.

I have been in a nearly decade-long relationship (which means for the majority of it I was abusing adderall) and now I have come out the other side and just have this total sense of re-awakening my life and re-introducing myself to ME. and I am OBSESSED with me, I can't believe how funny and witty and charismatic I can be (not trying to be arrogant there, but that's how I feel) and I have now reached this point where I am doubting EVERY element of the world I have built around me: my career, my friendships and (most significantly) my relationship.

It feels like the last 6-7 years I was in total tunnel vision with my blinders on, and he provided me with safety, security and constant support. Now...? I don't necessarily need that level of companionship - I find myself wanting to be independent and sincerely get to know myself and FINALLY explore who it is I really am. I do not love him any less, I just am having a hard time reconfiguring what makes us work. And, of course, it doesn't help that he has no idea I was using adderall to begin with... So once again, I feel so utterly alone in my challenge.

I have no idea what to do. I also wonder if post-quitting depression of some kind is setting in around this 2.5 month mark and if that has anything to do with the drastic changes in my mood and outlook.

Any advise or guidance is so greatly appreciated..

[SleepyStupid]

On 9/15/2021 at 8:13 AM, GRF said:

I have been in a nearly decade-long relationship (which means for the majority of it I was abusing adderall) and now I have come out the other side and just have this total sense of re-awakening my life and re-introducing myself to ME. and I am OBSESSED with me

this is a great space to be in! I've recently gotten into shape and I imagine it's similar - it feels like having a whole new body, and with that comes the excitement of exploring this new person that I seem to be. It's perhaps also similar to the general effect that novelty has on us - which is why I always suggest trying out new hobbies during recovery to take advantage of this effect.

I think its perfectly healthy to reassess everything in your life through this new lens - including your relationship - though I would give yourself enough time before making any decisions that impact him as well. Of course we internet strangers cannot know the full nature of your relationship, but the way this sounds is that he has unknowingly supported you through the worst 6 years of your life. If your transformation is as dramatic as you say it is, he must be picking up on it too. not necessarily suggesting that you come clean - that's your decision - but the context of him not knowing about your abuse and sudden change should probably be considered.

keep up the great work! 6 months is right around the corner (:

[GRF]

this has helped me in this moment so much more than you will ever know, internet stranger friend. The anxiety just BUILDS and it is so helpful to just take a big ol breath and not feel so alone here. I thank you so so much. He deserves a LOT of my patience and I do plan on affording that to him and taking this day by day, week by week, month by month ( !! )

[GRF]

officially 1 year clean as of July 1st. I am in SUCH a better place in every single aspect of my life - my mental health, my career, my fitness, I drink WAY less, I sleep better, have incredibly stronger relationships with friends and family, more present every single day... I am SO PROUD of myself. I never ever ever thought this could be me, and it simply IS. After a lot of struggle and self doubt and hurdles along the way, I can confidently say THIS is who I am (and always was waiting to be) and I sincerely hope my journey inspires someone else to do the same.

[SurvivingAdderall w Faith]

THANK YOU for keeping us posted. CONGRATS!!!!! I just joined a few days ago. I'm close to 3 months off the devil pill and this website has saved me. I LOVE writing and this devil stole that, along with everything else ME, during the past few years. I was prescribed this crap for 13 years and took as directed. That makes no difference. It has F'd up my life, my personality, ME!!!

I am interested to know, and planning on sharing my own experience, how and when and WHAT you noticed when it hit you that this pill was not helping, but killing you??? For me, I was fine for the first 10 years or so. Or so I thought. But the noticeable change within myself started about 3 years ago and progressively got worse. Fast. And scary.

Thanks again and I hope to hear more of your journey that led you to quit. You and everyone else who shares is saving me and countless others!

[risingpheonix]

How wonderful! Congrats on one year, GRF. I'm so proud of you. Hoping my lizard brain will be inspired by your journey and that I'll make it to the my one year quit date in August.

[Hopefulily]

That is so incredible and inspiring GRF!!! You should be beyond proud of yourself. I am proud of you!!!! Thank you for your posts and enjoy the one year feeling! You deserve it! 
 

[GRF]

On 7/14/2022 at 4:18 PM, SurvivingAdderall w Faith said:

how and when and WHAT you noticed when it hit you that this pill was not helping, but killing you??? For me, I was fine for the first 10 years or so. Or so I thought. But the noticeable change within myself started about 3 years ago and progressively got worse. Fast. And scary.

First of all - thank you and everyone so much for the kind words. It means SO very much to me and honestly makes me tear up a bit to share this struggle and support with you all. This site is a true blessing. It is because of this site that I realized quitting was a true possibility and the right path to take!

To answer your question, I would definitely agree it was the final 2-3 years where I realized a big problem had crept up on me, and crept up quick. In those last years it felt like there were only two settings to me - GO MODE and completely zonked. And in the final year "GO MODE" wasn't really that at all. I could have a pill (or 3) in the system and still just barely be floating above the surface to stay socially or mentally engaged. My mind got a lot more jumpy and paranoid and it felt like I shorted out much more rapidly and aggressively. 

I am a very social person, and for me, I realized something was amiss when I couldn't hang more than an hour or so before I needed to crash / Irish exit home to be alone. My energy levels would tank so easily, or my mood would get uncharacteristically angsty and low. I also wasn't having meaningful conversations anymore - every human interaction I had, I was miles away mentally. I HATED that and felt so much guilt from it. I was snippy and short and always SO DAMN SELFISH. my mind was never not focused on ME and pills and my high (or lack thereof).

I hope anyone on this journey or beginning of their quitting journey can realize what I did - that it is not only possible, but BETTER on this other side. People treat you differently because you are a significantly different person - I have never received such positive attention and love and good vibes. Because that is exactly what I am giving back in return! I wish you all so much strength and I root for you so hard.

[Hopefulily]

Came back to read this tonight. It has been awhile since I have been here. I have gotten caught up in justifying myself on the pill after working so hard over the past years to wean down from 120mg to now less than 10 per day. I just can't make the final jump because of all of the excuses in my mind: I will run late without it, I will forget my kids or have no memory without it. Or I don't have time to deal with this final huge step. Most of my doctors still justify it - even my functional medicine doctor tells me 10mg is fine bc it is hardly anything. However I get angry in taking 7.5 mgs or more. I was doing so well - down to 1.25 per day and then I crept back up with all of my excuses and lack of energy. I am very sensitive to caffeine and can't find something to replace adderall. I have tried everything and many different types of antidepressants to try and combat this. I am starting to get real with my therapist about how I need to quit this drug and that it is addicting. I want to stop drinking too but it is a vicious cycle of if I drink than I need adderall to deal with my kids the next day. But then I need to drink to come down from the adderall. Why can't I face this final leap? What am I so scared of? The hard work? My true adhd self? I know I can manage with exercise and listening to ADHD for smartass women, using my tools but what about the days I feel like I can't do it and that is what sends me running to the pill bottle? I think I am a better mom when I take it but why??? When I have my morning workout routine down I do fine. It is when I am off my routines I then go back to more adderall. I haven't had over 10mgs in the past year but damn why can't I do this???? I am ashamed of myself every time I run to that bottle even to take 1.25 as a part of my step down process. And I have crept back up which means it isn't working. This addiction sucks. It sucks to live with this secret but I think opening up helps. On those rare days I don't take any I feel like you have described above. But I just can't string them together and I don't know why. I am giving myself the excuse of this is too hard to do during the holidays but there will never be an easy time. I feel weird when I don't take it- almost sneaky and high but can't believe that is how I feel without it. But music fills my soul and hits me deeper, I don't walk around just pissed off about life because a pill has made me that way. I know I still have a lot of work to do in therapy. I am still on zoloft which makes me tired so I also use that as an excuse to keep using it. I hate myself for it and want to be obsessed with myself like you have described! I want to be that example for my kids too. I am so so scared to go cold turkey because I don't want to just be a mess of a mom for my 4 young kids. Any help from my rambling would be amazing. Thank you <3 P.s. I even tried reaching out to Vanessa Fitzgerald who publicly weaned off adderall. I have listened to her podcast about quitting more times than I would like to admit. And yet I still can't QUIT

[HotMess Mom]

I relate to this SO much. I have been on and off of adderall for 22 years (mostly on) and the cycle is killing me. I’m on it and the side effects are awful. I’m off and I’m a mess of a mom and employee. I have always been prescribed a high dose because my tolerance is so high. The biggest reason I get back on is feeling like I will be better for my kids or whomever by being more “on top of things”, and yet it’s a façade. I can’t seem to be motivated to do anything without it and get down on myself about feeling lazy. 
 

I wish there was a natural alternative that worked similarly without being an addictive amphetamine. I’m so tired of not being able to stop.

On 11/27/2023 at 9:17 PM, Hopefulily said:

Came back to read this tonight. It has been awhile since I have been here. I have gotten caught up in justifying myself on the pill after working so hard over the past years to wean down from 120mg to now less than 10 per day. I just can't make the final jump because of all of the excuses in my mind: I will run late without it, I will forget my kids or have no memory without it. Or I don't have time to deal with this final huge step. Most of my doctors still justify it - even my functional medicine doctor tells me 10mg is fine bc it is hardly anything. However I get angry in taking 7.5 mgs or more. I was doing so well - down to 1.25 per day and then I crept back up with all of my excuses and lack of energy. I am very sensitive to caffeine and can't find something to replace adderall. I have tried everything and many different types of antidepressants to try and combat this. I am starting to get real with my therapist about how I need to quit this drug and that it is addicting. I want to stop drinking too but it is a vicious cycle of if I drink than I need adderall to deal with my kids the next day. But then I need to drink to come down from the adderall. Why can't I face this final leap? What am I so scared of? The hard work? My true adhd self? I know I can manage with exercise and listening to ADHD for smartass women, using my tools but what about the days I feel like I can't do it and that is what sends me running to the pill bottle? I think I am a better mom when I take it but why??? When I have my morning workout routine down I do fine. It is when I am off my routines I then go back to more adderall. I haven't had over 10mgs in the past year but damn why can't I do this???? I am ashamed of myself every time I run to that bottle even to take 1.25 as a part of my step down process. And I have crept back up which means it isn't working. This addiction sucks. It sucks to live with this secret but I think opening up helps. On those rare days I don't take any I feel like you have described above. But I just can't string them together and I don't know why. I am giving myself the excuse of this is too hard to do during the holidays but there will never be an easy time. I feel weird when I don't take it- almost sneaky and high but can't believe that is how I feel without it. But music fills my soul and hits me deeper, I don't walk around just pissed off about life because a pill has made me that way. I know I still have a lot of work to do in therapy. I am still on zoloft which makes me tired so I also use that as an excuse to keep using it. I hate myself for it and want to be obsessed with myself like you have described! I want to be that example for my kids too. I am so so scared to go cold turkey because I don't want to just be a mess of a mom for my 4 young kids. Any help from my rambling would be amazing. Thank you <3 P.s. I even tried reaching out to Vanessa Fitzgerald who publicly weaned off adderall. I have listened to her podcast about quitting more times than I would like to admit. And yet I still can't QUIT

 

[Groundhogdaze]

I totally relate to this thread, to both of you. I started taking when my kids were young and got addicted to it and I have been on it for 24 years and it’s pretty much destroyed my life. I used to get chills when I heard music and I used to be creative and I had a personality, and now I feel like I have to force everything and nothing is very moving to me. I am on day four after trying to wean off this and get off it for good, really over the past few years. I even managed to get off for about I don’t know maybe six months  After going to treatment in 2013  but thinking I do better on it, i made an appointment got back on and then cranked it back up again and was eventually hooked again. It’s very depressing but I am on day four and I am wondering if I might need a 12 Step program. I just wish there was one for Adderall, because this is kind of a unique drug. I keep reading and hearing about people who never do get off, but I wonder what happens as they get really old this is not sustainable.  

[Hopefulily]

It's hard because as a mom we want to be our best selves for our family. There really isn't a set amount of time (like a month) where we know we can just glide on through and being a little lazy won't have repercussions. I am not trying to justify it or be a victim even though I probably sound like it. I feel tremendous shame if I don't take the adds and forget to do something or can't get it together in the morning to get everyone out the door so I turn to the "easy" fix. I am trying to do everything I can to keep my dose as lowest as possible. I have found a few things - Sheeva wellness, Nettle tea and warm water with lemon and manuka honey multiple times per day. I have been listening to Allan Carr's books on drinking and sugar addiction and you can substitute anything in really. I am working on my drinking too and have significantly cut down/really haven't had anything to drink I don't think since I last posted which helps a lot. I don't know if that is helpful but just checking in here to say you all are not alone! As long as we keep trying right? I am starting to tell my close friends about how I take it and how I want to come off. "Coming clean" is helping me and my friend recommended a new therapist who hopefully can help me with that final step. I am also going to try acupuncture too, continue to eat extremely healthy and mostly gluten free and get more sleep (when my kids sleep through the night lol). I think for me, contrary to what works for a lot of people on this site, is going to have to be very slow. As many people have said slowing down and picking up healthy habits that stick are what is going to help in the long run. I also listen to Melissa Wood Health and Vees Honey as they talk about being on it and quitting. Hope that helps. That saying I dream about and picture myself one day being fully sober and thriving! You all are not alone <3 I have promised myself not to post again until I have a string of clean days and look forward to that day. Thank you to everyone who shares on this site!