Its been 18 months since I quit a 15 year adderall/vyvanse addiction-I feel no progress

[Civilengr2020]

Just wanted to vent a bit and say that I have been feeling a bit depressed for the past few weeks and months.  Its been 18 months since I quit cold turkey and I feel that I have made very slow progress in my professional life.  It is still very difficult to get motivated to work and advance on projects.  I still do the work but sometimes I feel miserable inside.  I am a professional licensed engineer but I cant seem to get my confidence back where it used to be.  I'm always doubting myself and my designs and just simply don't feel that passion I used to feel.  Lately I have been having thoughts of getting back on the vyvanse but the fact that my old doctor left out of town and my new doctor has never prescribed vyvanse has literally made it difficult to get a prescription if I really wanted to. So in that sense, it is good that I have a new doctor.  But I'm frustrated and really don't know what more to do to make better progress at work.  I feel very happy that I was able to accomplish this great task of quitting vyvanse but sometimes I truly do feel if it was even worth it.  Sorry I don't mean to discourage anyone.  This is just my individual experience and everyone is different.  I am just going through a rough time right now. 

[dolssa]

I think you should hold on. I am coming from a place where i had 14 months adderall free and i went back to help with accomplishing tasks and depression and now it is all i think about again. the depression when i dont take it is 10 times worse than when i was feeling a little low while sober. I wish i could go back in time and not relapse. its been 6 months now and i hate myself for quitting at over a year and giving in. I have seen people on here make HUGE progess in second year/third year. dont give up. dont be like me starting at day one. you got this.

[Tom23Jones]

maybe the stimulants made you enjoy and have more confidence in your job than what you naturally do.  When I was abusing adderall, I loved sending emails and being a non stop working bee but now I realize my job is boring and that was fake happiness that is not sustainable. 

Have you been exercising and eating healthy?  Intense cardio and weightlifting is great for neuroplasticity.  Also recommend meditating, seems like hippy shit at first but really does have a profound affect on focus and calming the mind 

[speedracer]

I have to chime in. I totally relate with your loss of confidence after quitting. I must have tried to quit 10 times over the past 20 years and always went back because I couldn't justify making a living without it. I chose a terrible career for underlying ADD, working as an attorney. I would get 8 months and then start freaking out that I am that I am not getting better faster.  I would start up again and blast away through my files staying up late and billing like a machine to keep the partners happy. 

I am now 2 years and 3 months in my QUIT. I made it past the 8 months because after reading posts on this website I learned it takes about 2 years to get to some baseline of healing from our self inflicted brain trauma. I also read from a timeline posted by a "Cassie" that year 3 also has incredible growth and boy was she right. The last 3 months have been great. Not only does it continue to get better and better but good things are miraculously happening at the same time. 

I went from working for the "Man" to working for myself where I can work at my own pace. I Thank God every day for giving a small practice which continues to grow as my healing continues.  I went from stressing about paying the bills to getting all my needs met working at half the pace.  I could never seem to make this happen before when I was using. Good things didn't happen to me when I was using this medication. I had some fun times and good moments, but nothing was worth the cost to my personality, my spirituality, and my relationship. My wife says I am totally different and she loves it. She was also super supportive and forgiving for the first two years which is HUGE. 

I started taking Wellbutrin around 16 months which has helped with the depressive symptoms. It also seems to be helping my underlying ADD as well. I try to start my days with prayer and meditation. 

Don't quit quitting until you see the miracle. Pray every day. And maybe try Wellbtrin if your doctor goes for it. The growth spurts appear in hindsight. Let you family enjoy the real you. It will get so much better. 

[Civilengr2020]

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice.  I sometimes forget that my brain took a lot of abuse for 15 years and 18 months is probably just the beginning on my healing.  Knowing from others that it just keeps getting better after a couple of years, really does bring some fresh hope into my life.  I will keep fighting and continue on this journey of healing.....thank you all and God Bless!

[dolssa]

On 9/22/2021 at 7:53 AM, speedracer said:

Good things didn't happen to me when I was using this medication. I had some fun times and good moments, but nothing was worth the cost to my personality, my spirituality, and my relationship. My wife says I am totally different and she loves it. She was also super supportive and forgiving for the first two years which is HUGE. 

thank you for your post! it was so insightful and helpful. its wild that our addiction tricks us into thinking we wont be successful without it but really it just gives us a false sense of success because we equate productivity with success. i find it so interesting that all those good things happened to you after you got clean essentially when you got our of your own way. congrats on how far you come and thank you for this post i will be reading it often!