On the brink of suicide... (prescribed at age 12)

[dw3495]

It wasn’t my fault. I was the kid who always said that they’d never drink or do drugs. I held that promise I thought. 12 year old me had no idea that the pill they said would help me would destroy my life 6 years later. I never took more than the prescription. I knew better. I was the kid who had a sparkle in their eye. I was the kid with all the world in front of him. I had it all. I was extremely creative. I had a memory that blew away my parents. I was always getting A’s, even before the meds. I didn’t have ADHD. They said I did though. 6 years of use and 4 months off abstinence later, here I am. No energy. No motivation. My memory gone. My cognition broken. My hands tremor. Everything I had was taken from me. Now here I am at college. These are supposed to be the best of my life. I’m supposed to be the smartest I’ll ever be. I can hardly even finish an assignment nowadays. Wellbutrin worked for only one day.

I’m sitting on a park bench at my university now. Seriously pondering whether I want to continue living a life knowing I’ll never be everything I was supposed to be (and thus, falling short of my potential) or to take that potential to the grave with me now.

Why me?

Have seen no success stories of people getting better after being prescribed so young. I've written somethings down for goodbyes in my notes app.

I need hope. I've tried those hotlines but they are useless. 

[Mark S]

You are not all washed up at just 19 years of age. You have your whole life ahead of you. I was heavily addicted for a few years. Basically went into psychosis . When I did stop the first 6 months where horrible. Anxiety, panic attacks, depression. I didn’t think I would ever get better.   
    However with time it does get easier. It’s been 3 and a half years since I had adderall and I feel good. It took 3 years before I was 100 percent. Each passing month I felt better. I never took Wellbutrin or any other prescription. I don’t trust any medication now. I just kept a light schedule. Trusted in Dr Jesus. Exercised. And let time slowly heal your brain . It is hard but certainly not hopeless. This is reversable. Listen this is not permanent. Go back and read the many successes. What your going through is normal when you recently quit. The depression anxiety social anxiety, feeling tired and defeated the first few months are normal when you stop but slowly and progressively your body and mind resets . . 
   I will say a rosary and blessing for you tonight and tomorrow. You will persevere and get better. Then you will thrive 

[Tom23Jones]

Don't do something permanent to end this temporary painful struggle.  The you on the other side of this will be forever grateful that you fought through.  It fucking sucks and its gonna suck for a while longer but 4 months is not enough time to assume you'll never improve.  I've been off that shit for 5+ years now and a new/better self has emerged several times over the years.

the brain is more resilient than you can imagine. There are tons of things you could consider trying before giving up and ending it. hard fucking Exercise, meditation, martial arts, nutrition.  

Feel free to DM if you need someone to talk to or text. 

[SleepyStupid]

@dw3495

firstly, I'm glad you found our site and community here. you're in the right place to get the kind of advice specific to Adderall recovery. while you may not have come across the specific success stories you were looking for, I can assure you they exist (I'll do a more thorough search as well). you are young (VERY young) - you're going to bounce back from this faster than you can even imagine. you should give yourself A LOT of credit for tackling this before becoming a real adult. this may be the single best decision of your early life!!!

1 hour ago, Tom23Jones said:

Don't do something permanent to end this temporary painful struggle.  The you on the other side of this will be forever grateful that you fought through.  It fucking sucks and its gonna suck for a while longer but 4 months is not enough time to assume you'll never improve. 

^this right here. couldn't have said it better myself. if you take nothing else away from all the stories on this forum and site, it's that what you're going through right now isn't going to last forever. this is a FACT. Trust in the accumulated experience of the people here - things will get better soon.

looking forward to reading your next update (:

[dw3495]

Thanks for the replies. But as much as I want to believe it is a permanent solution to a temporary pain, I have found nothing out there that says this is temporary. I see it now as a permanent solution to a long life of unfilled promise, pain, and regret. There is no recovery. You see people on here who go years without progress, and they didn't start when they were 12 years old. My life was over before it even started. Sucks, because I had so much promise as a kid.

It's gone now, and there is no evidence that significant recovery occurs. 

@SleepyStupid @Tom23Jones @Mark S

[Tom23Jones]

brains are very malleable or plastic until your at least 25 years and your not even 20.  And recently scientists have figured out that the human brain is capable of changes far beyond the mid 20's.

I abused adderall daily and in high doses for several years and my brain seems to be still improving and I'm in my mid 30's. I can feel joy, I can find focus, I can create motivation when there is none.

It may seem like an escapable hell but I promise you its not.  Its sucks you got put it on it as a young kid and its not fair but you have a chance to recreate your self and work your ass to become whoever you want.

Ex drug users or addicts are very interesting, strong and resilient people because they have to pull themselves out of shitty spots like your in.  Theres a future you that you can be proud of. Just have to keep doing the next right thing no matter how fucking difficult.

[SleepyStupid]

22 hours ago, dw3495 said:

My life was over before it even started. Sucks, because I had so much promise as a kid.

perhaps a different angle on this - maybe you're putting too much focus on this "potential" you had as a kid. I don't mean to sound dismissive of your childhood, but you're an adult now - you have agency and control to shape your life in any way you want. I think you are too focused on trying to get back to some version of yourself that isn't so relevant anymore. I've always said that recovery is a somewhat misleading word for what we're trying to do. Our journey in quitting this drug is more about discovering a new, more capable version of yourself - not going back in time to some distant memory of a person. It's even MORE relevant given how young you are - you don't have an adult version of yourself to even look back on yet.

"My life was over before it even started" - you're right about the "before it even started part". you were a child forced into a very unfair situation. you're not a child anymore. I think you owe it to yourself to at least get your adult life started before deciding it's all over.

[dw3495]

@SleepyStupid @Tom23Jones

Fair enough. I’ll give it a try. I’ll give it my all. 
my doctors all recommended going back on low dose vyvanse to finish my first semester of college so I don’t ruin my chances at med school right away. Then try to go off at a less critical point.  What do you think about that?

[OnSomething]

Honestly I have no idea what we’ve been taking. Please remind yourself this is a drug and your feelings right now are not the truth. Feelings =/= truth. 

I have a similar story - got prescribed as a kid (I do have severe ADHD though, but was given no tools or advice aside from the pills). By highschool I lost it- I could learn so much so fast, why would I pay attention? Even with the medication? I needed much more advanced work, with or without Adderall. My brain has always been like a sponge, so I was upset no one nurtured it. 

(this has a point lol)

I started freshman year of college- I didn’t just fall in love w knowledge; I felt like I was learning and being respected for the first time. But that summer I got an abusive partner. Transferred schools for him sophomore year. 

The first week I accidentally took two 20 mg pills bc I couldn’t remember if I took it or not. It usually made me tired, so when the physiological effects hit I knew- but as for my first high? All I felt was empathy for him. Not high, just confidence and a love for myself and a feeling that I could do work well (which I already knew). 

I quickly deteriorated. 100mg/day within 3 months. I’ve been using more than that for 6 years now. I’ve never stopped. College became something so crushing to me I still have a hard time driving behind buses or going through college towns after.

My love for learning is still there, but I am so traumatized by everything. I’m still young too.. but my concern beyond getting sober is who would ever take me seriously that adderall fucked my life up so hard.
 

Also there’s the depressing fact I’m still a slave to the guy who was half the problem, and still a slave to a drug I hate. I feel like I have one last chance at being a young adult and I’m so scared to do it