roxbury27

i think i just reported my post instead of reposting it. whoops

Obviously, I am on it now...I'm only ever on this site when I'm on it. But It's my last. I saved enough to help cushion the crash for the week and then it's goodbye. I feel weirdly blank about it. When I really focus and dig, it feels vaguely like fear. But I think it's too soon to lift the lid off that box just yet. I'll try to motivate myself to check back in since it's going to be my first final quit.

Well... it's over a year later. I was on and off again but finally, I called my doctor and told him I abuse it and to flag me for amphetamine abuse. I could never stay away for longer than a few months. My brother died in October of 2016- opiates. I went on a bender of drinking and taking adderall. I was a mess at work and made mistakes that got me fired a month later. I didn't stop at first bc it made me feel weirdly closer to him when I'd take it and get fucked up. We always used to take it and get excited when we'd refill. LIke two kids on a Christmas morning. After a couple months of abusing myself, I decided I could make his death worth something to myself by quitting and stayed sober. Soon after I met with a therapist and made the phone call to my doctor. I was flagged for amphetamine abuse this time and I am scheduled to see him next week to discuss. Still preparing myself for that talk. I am very embarrassed. I went to him several times with complaints of chest pain and anxiety hoping he would just stop prescribing but that never happened. I am afraid of being off it. I don't know who I am without it. But it's time...11 years is long enough.

I need a pick me up. Let's bond by sharing those shameful, crack head experiences at work that either cost us our reputation, job, or both? Who wants to go first?

I just logged back on for the first time in 4 years. I'm telling you, push through. I was sober for like 6-8 months once and for whatever reason, just when I started to feel better, which was by no means to say functional..l just better, I went back. And I'm still here. It will be hard for months. Probably closer to 18 months.... before you are back, depending on how long you've been going for. You will feel personality-less, have zero energy, or motivation to do anything, not even the basics, and have no interest. But remember you are not you on Adderall...you are someone else. All your drive, ambition, thoughts..its altered/warped. You...the sober, unadulterated, you is the best you. Even you as you are now is closer to the real you than the adderall you is. I've been at it for over a decade, so believe me. I don't know who I am off it and it gets scarier having to face that fact every time I try to quit. Especially since I was on it all through college... Adderall me loved chemistry... I fucking hate chemistry, yet here I am with a BS in the shit. I spent thousands on craft and sewing supplies for a "crafting room". I don't fucking craft! Push through it now. Push through it later and you'll just be that much farther down someone else's rabbit hole.

And I am still in the exact same fucking spot. I ended up crawling back to adderall...repeating the same mistakes at my "dream" job....got fired. Found another, higher paying job doing practically the same thing...didn't change and was fired. Now I'm back to square one, unemployed and an addict. Crazy. I find it funny that I was having the same exact realization this morning that I blogged about in my first post, Quitting Adderall Day 1. I was thinking how I'll just save the adderall until I get a job...I know I will have zero motivation and intense anxiety if I ditch it now. Or direction of what I want to do... I know whatever adderal makes me feel like pursuing won't be real, it won't actually come from within but at least it's direction, however, false it may be. I have been trying to kick it over the last 4 years. I'd stop for periods of time. My longest stretch lasting 6-8 months. Funny backstory there, I actually did call my doctor to admit I had a problem taking it as prescribed...but then once the addiction started whispering in my ears again, it was as simple as a 5-minute office visit to get it back again and at twice the original strength...I shit you not. Her: So, you were on 40mg a day, is that right? Me: (It was 20 mg a day...?) Uhhhhhh, yeah! I even got caught double scripting at one point. You would think there would be some flag for me but no. After a couple months of nursing my shame and humiliation, I got the courage to get up and try again at a different clinic. And what can I say, perseverance really does pay. I got my script back! I will say, my consumption is not nearly as bad as it was in college or even the first couple years after graduating. So that's something.... I will be back for more updates.

have you considered therapy? there is a deeper issue here. my mom committed suicide when i was 14 and i moved around a lot on top of that (both before and after her death). this eventually lead to a sort of numbness about life-like i was just going through the motions mechanically not really caring where i was headed or where i'd end up...everything was static noise to me. then after abusing adderall for so long came the adderall numb...the other numbness is more or less absolute indifference about everything. adderall numbness is more of a platonic mental state where nothing phases you- you could hear the best news or the worst news and nothing. it's like your brain stops processing sensory- verbal visual auditory physical. blanketed, all of it. anyway, i was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. your drug and eating problems are probably just a symptom of something deeper. good luck

adfa

And yes there is responsible adderall use but what you are describing does not sound of the responsible kind...like what you are describing is the euphoric feeling that follows overdosing. I'm sorry if people on here are coming at you pretty hard. It's just that there are more forums on here than anyone with even good patience can get through and they all answer your question. It's kind of a wonder why you even had to ask I guess.

Whoa, Hitler was an amphetamine freak?!?! GET OUTTA HERE!

HHAHAAHAHA Cassie- what goes up must come down.

Dude. Dude.... Motivation Follows Action laid out a pretty comprehensive list.... But your punch-drunk in love right now, so it won't matter.

Quit Once- HA! That is totally my reasoning. Did you read that Dr jekyll and Mr Hyde poem that someone posted on this site awhile back? There is no better way to describe the adderall addict…none. I did refill my prescription today to satisfy the fear of not having any "just in case I relapse", but I wasn't temped to take any-not even a little bit. See, what's more powerful than my fear of not having any adderall around in the event of a relapse is my fear of the person I become when I take it. But you get it though. My reasoning wasn't totally flawed. Well no, that's not true. It is flawed, but not from an addicts point of view. Anyway. It's weird; now that I know what it is to have an addiction, I find addiction fascinating. I'm am literally two people sharing the same mind and body. Once I use, all I can think about is getting more and how awesome it is (and how awesome I am), and how I was wrong for thinking it was evil and ruining my life. On adderall, I honestly believe that it is the key to everything and that I can totally get a handel on how much I take so that "we" can coexist. Mind you, I think this as I pop my 4th 5th or 6th 30mg adderall of the day. It's insane. Addiction is insane. And it scares scares the want right out of me. The last time I took it (my 15mgs of the day) was on the 19th of December. Work is great, I love the people I work with and the projects I get to work on. What I don't like is adjusting to work as most people know it-where not everything is super awesome and interesting, and that the day does drag and that there really is such a thing as the 2 o' clock wall and why things like 5hr energy exists. It's hard to motivate myself to do things I don't necessarily want to. I'm used to motivation being effortless. I can't say I like adjusting to these aspects of life. It's weird to think I ever was. I used to look at people living life without adderall like they were suckers, or something, for not being able to cheat life like I could. Now I just envy them. But anyway... Neversaynever-Thanks! I'm really glad you find strength from my thread. I used to look for comfort/relief by reading adderall addiction forums too, but I never found one to help me quit. Just people strung out on adderall looking for proof that it was bad for their health... like if someone responded to their blog with a story about getting diagnosed with heart failure at age 20, it would be reason enough to quit. Have you noticed that too? See, around the end of one of my long binges I'd always start obsessing about death and how I was going to die young. And if I wasn't obsessing about death I was obsessing about premature aging and how old and ugly I was going to look if I lived to be 30. I'd obsess about my heart and check it's beat every 10 minutes to see if it felt abnormal or not. To me every prick of my arm and every pinch of my chest (real or imagined) were signs of heart attack. So was the cold in my hands and feet, and the bluish veins that would appear all over my legs after days of abusing. I got into adderall addiction forums to see if anyone blogged about getting diagnosed with heart disease, diabetes or brain damage after abusing adderall the way I did. Never found any. And most just quit after a week or two. I like this forum because people keep updating. I'm glad you find it useful too. I hate to sound cheesy, but stay strong!

High five! You say your happiness is 200%, as in you are over the top happy? I am almost 4 weeks deep into my recovery and I noticed that I also get super happy (giddy almost) after the first week or so, and just laugh at everything/anything. However, that kinda stopped for me recently. Now I am just emotional where I swing around between happy, sad, giddy, nervous/panicky and angry unpredictably. I'd be interested to see if this is a common thing for people quitting adderall. Keep it up.

Well, originally my brother would set out 15 mg for me to take in the morning when I woke up to help combat the crippling fatigue I knew I'd feel for my first week or two at my new job. After that I planned to go solo. See, the 15 mg didn't do anything but get me up in the morning. After resting up for 10 days or so, I was able to wake up on my own. I didn't have my brother flush it or anything, the idea freaked me out too much. I still haven't talked to my doctor. I'm supposed to refill next week and this is where I'm having issues. I've never been so motivated to quite as I am now, but I still have this incredible fear of cutting it out completely. I know this feeling contradicts everything I am trying to do, but it comes from my addiction and there is no reasoning with it. The longer time goes on, the more I see how my addiction negatively impacted my life, and the stronger my resolve to quite becomes. I'm the one getting stronger, not the addiction. I really think that once enough time passes and I get used to living my life sober, I will be strong enough to cut it out completely. I'll probably refill next week...no, I will refill next week. I won't take it. It'll go to my brother with the rest of my prescription from last month. I know...ridiculous.