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bluemoon

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Posts posted by bluemoon

  2. Getting off adderall and saving any relationship you may have

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    I can definitely relate. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, so I started the relationship while I was still using Adderall. I started questioning the relationship while I was still taking Adderall (usually when I was crashing or going a day without Adderall). And since quitting, I have found I don't want to be with my boyfriend (or anyone at all, for that matter)... I just want to be alone. I feel like a relationship takes too much effort at this point... effort that I don't have to give... because I just don't care. It's a sad way to feel. But at the same time, I can't break up with my boyfriend because I don't think I can quit Adderall and go through a break up at the same time. I don't want to be with him, but the thought of not having him around is too much for my mind to even process right now. I'm sure I didn't help too much with your confusion... because I'm confused too. But at least I can say I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. 

  7. Please help me quit for good

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Well guys, day 82. And I did my taxes today. Without Adderall. This is going to sound so silly, but when I was on Adderall, I couldn't even fathom the thought of doing my taxes without it. Funny how Adderall can make you think such absurd thoughts, that aren't even remotely close to true. I think I actually got my taxes done faster this year (sober) than during the past few years where I was on Adderall, because I used to hyper focus on the smallest details that didn't matter at all. It's crazy how Adderall creates thoughts that can make the drug have such a tight grip on you, even though those thoughts couldn't be further from reality. To anyone who is struggling and thinks they can't imagine coping with life without the pills, you are wrong and it's the drug that's making you think that. You are stronger than you think!!! :) 

    • Like 1

  9. My story/struggle. You are not alone. Any support is appreciated

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Welcome :) 

     

    Wow. While reading your story, my heart broke for you. I thought it was hard enough doing my job after I quit, but I can't imagine trying to quit while being a teacher in a classroom full of kids every day. Talk about a LOT OF PRESSURE! And like you said, lesson planning takes effort. Effort that is pretty much impossible to put forth in the early stages of your quit. I can understand why you would keep relapsing.

     

    As I was reading your story, I was trying to think of what I could say to help you... and to be honest, I really had no idea where to even start. But!!!! - AlwaysAwesome came up with the perfect plan!!!!! :) Stick it out for a few more months if you can, and once you get your summer break, make a 100% commitment to quitting. Stay here with us on this site, it is honestly the only reason I have made it as far as I have (day 81). YOU CAN DO THIS. You just have to come up with a strategic plan as to when it is going to be. And then you need to take some time to let yourself get better. And never go back to that poison again!!! 

     

    About the weight gain, I understand exactly where you're coming from. I'm about 35 lbs heavier than where I would like to be. I actually somehow even started gaining weight before I quit, and I've gained more since I quit. The only thing you can do is accept the fact that you're going to gain some weight, and know that it's not forever. Once you get far enough into your quit, you will be able to have the motivation to get healthy (the right way). I'm still waiting for that motivation to strike me (lol), but I know I will get there eventually.

     

    Stay strong!!!! 

    • Like 2

  10. Please help me quit for good

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Omg! I had the most horrible dream last night! I've been having issues with my stomach lately (I have been nauseous for the last couple of years actually, but I always attributed it to the Adderall. I thought it would go away on its own, so I just didn't think too much of it. However, the nausea had gotten quite a bit worse since quitting, but it turns out I have something else going on).... But anyway, I'm on some meds for my stomach that are giving me a really gross chemical taste in my mouth. So last night I had a nightmare that I took Adderall!!! Omg!! I was so mad at myself, and it did not feel good at all - in fact, it felt horrible. 

     

    Day 77 and going strong. I am starting to notice a little bit more energy!! Not a LOT of energy, but definitely more than I have had in the last couple of months. I'm so glad I quit when I did. Spring/summer are my favorite seasons and I am really looking forward to experiencing them with a clear mind this year, for the first time in years. 

    • Like 1

  11. Starting to get depressed...

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    So true about the antidepressants, Jen. There have been moments where I thought maybe they would help make this a little easier. But I don't want to be putting more pills into my body. So I will deal with the struggle unless I get to a point where I absolutely can't take it anymore.

     

    Glad to hear that you're feeling not as depressed. Some days are definitely easier than others. It's crazy how up and down the quitting process can be. One day you can feel like you're doing so well, and the next day you can be feeling like death again. 

     

    Slow and steady. :) You got this. :)

  12. The Ninety Day Challenge

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Same here, flow. Day 75 today. Last night I was driving home and the sunset was so beautiful, and one of my favorite songs was playing on the radio. I felt a warm fuzzy feeling inside that I haven't felt in a long time. A feeling I know I could never authentically feel while taking Adderall. Even though it was just for a moment, it gave me a small glimpse of better days to come. Hope for the future. And I definitely needed to feel that, even if it was just for a second. I have today off from work and I feel like garbage... so I think I will spend today on the couch. :) haha. It's been said on these threads over and over, but recovery is definitely not a linear process. Some days are better than others...

    • Like 1

  13. Want to quit

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    You can do this!!!!! And it sounds like right now is the perfect time. If you do end up going to see your psychiatrist, I hope you use that appointment to tell him that you never want this poison to be prescribed to you again. DO NOT FILL THAT SCRIPT. You don't need it!! Be sure to spend lots of time on this site when you're feeling weak... it has done wonders for me. :) 

    • Like 1

  15. Please help me quit for good

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    I've had a rough few days. I hate Adderall for not only the time it stole from me while I was taking it on and off for three years, but also for the time it is currently stealing from me. I am so useless and in so much physical & emotional pain, at 72 days into my quit. I regret ever having taken my first pill and I hate myself for the amount of time I let it control my life for. I'm glad I made the decision to quit and didn't drag it on any longer, but I feel like I still have a long road ahead of me until I feel better. I've considered the possibility of antidepressants but I don't want to put any more pills in my body. Ugh :( I need a time machine to fast forward to when I'm totally recovered... lol

  17. Starting to get depressed...

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Smhjen.. When I started getting into the lower doses like that, I found that I actually felt better if I didn't take any Adderall at all. The low doses like that just made me feel crappy without any positive effects whatsoever. I think that's why we keep pushing cold turkey... because then you could actually start your healing process and skip this misery that you're in right now. It will be hell either way, but this way it's just a longer hell. Is there any possible way you could take some time off work? I know it might sound extreme, but your health comes first and if that's what you have to do to get off this drug, it's worth it. Something to think about anyway. I don't mean to keep pushing cold turkey on you but I hate to see you in more pain than you need to be in.

     

    And Janie, I have been extremely nauseous since quitting. It's worse in the morning and middle of the night, but it sticks around all day usually. I don't know what the deal is. I went to the doctor and had some tests done. He thinks it is possibly an ulcer or possibly my gall bladder. I have an ultrasound on my gallbladder in a couple of weeks, so I guess I just have to hang tight until then. I'm not sure if it's even related to the Adderall or if it's just coincidental that I happened to start feeling sick around the same time I quit Adderall. Hope you feel better :) 

    • Like 1

  20. The Ninety Day Challenge

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Tougher than shit is right, flow. It's been nice having you right there with me. I'm proud of us for passing the 60 day mark, but I can't even imagine how proud I will be once we pass the 90 day mark. At one point, I never would have believed I would ever be able to make it that far. But we're well on our way there. No turning back now. I'm looking forward to springtime and being able to really enjoy the outdoors this year :)

     

    PS  - Huge congrats on making it to 60 :)

    • Like 2

  22. Please help me quit for good

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    BTW bluemoon, how have you been doing?

     

    I'm alright, I guess. Thanks for asking. I have never felt so exhausted in my life. Still not feeling much improvement for a while now. But it is the middle of winter and I always struggle with this time of year really. My boyfriend also got me a puppy for Christmas and it has taken a lot out of me. SO MUCH WORK. Probably not the best time to be raising a puppy, haha.. but 62 days down.. and never turning back. :)

    • Like 1

  23. Please help me quit for good

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    You can't quit for good because a new prescription is always waiting for you at the end of your withdrawal.  Cut off your supply...tell your doctor.  Don't give yourself an option of going back to it.  Then, you will quit. 

     

    You hit the nail on the head with that one, AlwaysAwesome  ;)

     

    Mr. Kirk, I wrote you a response on the "My story" thread where you also posted. But AlwaysAwesome is right.... you need to cut off your supply if you are serious about quitting. It's time. You can do this! 

    • Like 2

  24. My story

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    remember the old me before adderall. I was more successful, I truly believe I had more drive, and was always very good at my job. I was a better husband, a better father, even though my kids are out of school now. I didn't worry and procrastinate like I do now after a 3 year adderall addiction. I try to blame my addiction for the bad karma of the last 3 years. In December of 2013 I was struck in the head by an electric motor in my own shop at home on the farm. And seems like it all spiraled south after that. I lost nearly 6 months to amnisha not remembering things ext. I had just left a very good job to pursue my own business but because of head injury I made very bad choices one of those being starting adderall. I thought having adderall was going to make up for my lost time and success, let's just say that was a serious understatement. It was great at first i would pop a pill and would have all the drive and energy in the world pretty soon I was popping 2,3,4,& sometimes 5 20mg pills a day. I think in my mind I was getting shit done but in reality I began to get worse and worse. I would spend hours on meaningless things because it had to be perfect, and neglecting things that were most important. I would run out of my script early every month and be lazy and worthless for several days without adderall. It became a visus cycle. The following year on the same day and month as my head injury my shop that I spent hours the previous year redoing burnt to the ground and I lost many things that meant a lot to me and my son. As any addict would now this made the addiction worse. I was trying to do anything I could to hide my pain and anger I guess. I began regularly taking 80 to 120mg a day. And when I would run out early. I started using Vicodin to fill the void. I am still using today but not as heavily. But I have noticed many side effects that have come with my abuse. I forget simple things all the time now, I believe I have way less energy than I ever did before I started and have more trouble concentrating than I ever did before adderall. I really wanna quit for good, no tapper just cold turkey. I can go a whole week sometimes 2 without because I ran out before my next script why can't I just quit. I can clearly see now that it has done me by far more harm than good. I'm just trying to get over that hump of quitting it completely.

     

    I know how you're feeling. I've been in your shoes a million times. You want to quit so bad but you just can't 100% fully commit to the idea of never taking another pill again. But let me tell you something.. you are stronger than you think!! You can do this. Not only for your family, for your wife, for your son...... but most importantly, you need to do this for yourself. There is happiness on the other side of this nightmare. Get your life back. The support on this forum has been something that finally worked for me to finally be able to commit to quitting, when nothing else seemed to work. You have us to help guide you through this, and if you feel you need more than that, there is tons of help available out there for you. The first step is admitting to yourself you have a problem, and it looks like you've already done that. Next step is talking to your prescribing doctor and being honest about what's going on. Tell him you want this to be over and you do not want it prescribed to you any longer. Talk to your wife about it too.. I'm sure she will be relieved to hear that you want to get better. Show her this site. Tell her you need her support more than anything right now. You got this!!!! 

    • Like 1
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