duffman

Thank you for the kind words, William. I would never wish to impose misery onto anybody else, but I am relieved to find that I'm not alone in this misery that resides in me lately. That phrase "misery enjoys company" seems to have a lot of truth to it and is not necessarily to be viewed negatively so long as we're helping each other through it. I know it seems sorta lame that this quote comes from a fictional source (Game of Thrones), but it's what helps get me through times when I feel too anxious to do something that I must do: Bran: Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid? Eddard: That is the only time a man can be brave.

Congrats William! You've officially hit one of the biggest milestones in recovery! It's very cool that there are other people here who are on a similar trajectory on the recovery timeline as myself. For the record, I had night sweats and severe insomnia last night that prevented me from falling asleep till about 2 AM. My eyes then blasted open at 5 AM and I rolled back and forth for about another hour till I reluctantly woke up at 9. I'm exhausted, but there's no way I could fall asleep right now. This is a common occurrence for me now. My clinical rotation starts tomorrow and I find myself being pummeled by waves of anxiety today. I used to be described as strong-willed and used to radiate confidence in these types of circumstances. This isn't me. My girlfriend still refers to me as her "rock" in the relationship. Well, today I feel like a pebble. A pebble caught in the middle of a raging oceanic storm, being knocked every which direction by the violent current and monstrous waves. This would be the usual time where I would pop (too much) Vyvanse or Adderall in order to rid myself of these terrible thoughts and sensations. But, the commitment I made to living an authentic life without the aid of a mindfucking drug is what's stopping me from renewing my relationship with that sinister drug right now. And if I truly want to live a life without popping Adderall, then this is the reality I have to face. This is the reality we on this website have to face. This is our life and all we can do is keep trucking forward in the face of adversity. We can do this William and Bluemoon (and all else who is on this journey). Oh, and Bluemoon, I'm in physical therapy school. My next clinical rotation is at a neurological rehabilitation hospital, so I will be working with patients who've had traumatic brain injuries, strokes, Parkinsons, spinal cord injuries etc.

Frank- Pretty much. According to a few people who've done a clinical rotation at the hospital I'm going to, I should expect to be there anywhere from 10 to 12 hours, 5 days (sometimes 6) a week. It is what it is. It's a learning experience overall. If memory serves me right, I remember reading from a few of your past posts that you're self-employed in the HVAC business? That sounds intimidating considering you're having to self-motivate in order to keep your business afloat. How has your work performance been affected since quitting Adderall/pain killers? BeHereNow- Thanks a ton! Yeah I'm getting to the point in my recovery where my thoughts have cleared up enough to be able to be expressed in complete and coherent sentences. I still have days where my thoughts seem muddled and my willingness to be social drastically reduced (today), but they're becoming less frequent with less severity as days and weeks pass. Thankfully, I've experienced only one panic attack in my lifetime, and that was when I was 210mg deep in Vyvanse about to give a speech on something I knew very little about. What I have discovered throughout this recovery process is I have (and probably always have had) a fair amount of social anxiety for which I attempted to cover-up by abusing stimulants and benzos. I've been practicing mindfulness meditation at least 15 minutes a day since my quit date in order to fully connect with my conscious experience, both good and bad. I'm trying to familiarize myself with my bodily sensations when I feel that anxiety begin to surface, so I can ultimately function and thrive in society even if that anxiety attempts to hijack my thought process. And yeah, she's a keeper William- I really appreciate your insight on small talk. You've hit the nail on the head with how I have a tendency to want to say something profound when engaging in small talk. It is exhausting, makes me want to avoid human interaction, and entirely misses the point of small talk. I'm going to adopt your mindset about not trying to think about a witty or insightful response all the time. Rather, I'm going to try to go with the flow of conversation and injected authentic comments every now and then.

I hit 5.5 months today in my recovery from Adderall. My experience will probably differ to some degree from everyone else's experience in recovery, but I wanted to share what has gotten better, gotten worse, or remains unchanged from my own journey. I meant to save this for my 6 month recovery date, but I will be in the midst of my clinical rotation at that time and will probably not be able to post anything. What has gotten better: -I'm able to put on muscle again! While on Adderall, I was not able to put on any mass, whether it be fat or muscle mass. I've logged my workout routines for the past year and I can definitely say there is an upward trend in my strength since the time I quit using Adderall. -I'm regaining my sense of humor. People close to me have noticed that I'm less serious and more enjoyable to be around since I've quit taking Adderall. -I'm becoming more empathetic and better able to relate to people. Sure I'm not quite as talkative as I was when my Adderall dose was peaking, but people seem to actually appreciate that. I'm no longer talking at someone, but now talking with someone. -I'm FAR less prone to rage attacks. While on Adderall (especially during that end-of-the-day crash), I would often lash out at whoever was around me. This was often my girlfriend because I would see her at the end of the day when my dose was wearing off. This put an enormous strain on our relationship. She admitted to me earlier this month that she was planning on leaving me if I continued down the path I was on when I was taking Adderall. She said she could feel this dark, negative energy from me whenever it was later in the day (sometimes the entire day), and was afraid to approach me at times. -My libido. I'm finally starting to experience desire for the opposite sex again. (Potential TMI warning) For a while, I was having issues with sexual dysfunction and had absolutely no desire to engage in any intimacy. While it is not even close to ideal yet, but I'm beginning to show signs of improvement. -My energy levels. I was hesitant to put this one in this category (as opposed to the "remains unchanged" category), but I believe my energy levels are beginning to show signs of improvement. Now obviously I'm not feeling as much energy as when I took 140mg of vyvanse or 60mg of Adderall, but I am feeling more energy from when I first quit taking stimulant medications. There are times throughout the day when my energy level plummets, primarily at around 4pm. However, I recognize 4pm is a time when most everyone's energy level sinks down. This is natural variation in energy levels for which Adderall provided an override. I hope to continue to see improvements in this category because my work days will be from 8am-6pm and I can't let my performance drop too much to where I could make a big mistake with one of my patients later in the day. What has gotten worse: -Anxiety. Now, let me say this has gotten better since the acute stages of recovery (first month or so), but I've noticed a slight increase in my anxiety levels lately. From what I've read from other people's post from around this recovery timeframe, this seems to be quite typical. I just consider this a stepping stone in my hero's journey to recovery. -My weight. I believe Adderall has wreaked havoc on my metabolism and has affected my ability to lose body fat. As I stated above, I put on muscle more easily, but I also put on fat more easily. I'm the heaviest I've been in a long while, which scares me because I've lost 120 pounds in the past and I'm afraid I'm heading in that direction again. What has remained unchanged: -Sleep. My sleeping pattern has not stabilized since quitting Adderall. This is in large part due to me not taking sleep medications anymore. When I was taking Adderall, I had to take multiple sleep meds to be able to wind down enough to MAYBE get some fractured sleep. So in a way, there is perhaps SOME improvement, but ultimately this remains a large problem. -My ability to engage in small talk. This has a lot to do with my increased anxiety levels I suspect. I feel a lot more self-aware while talking to someone I don't really know. I have the feeling this will improve with time as I continue to source my own self-confidence rather than relying on the maniacal burst of confidence that Adderall provided. I won't lie, I'm extremely nervous about starting my clinical rotation next week. I was hoping I would be healed enough by now to feel comfortable and confident about this upcoming rotation. This has not come to pass, though admittedly it was a bit naive of me to believe I would be near 100% recovery in 5.5 months after taking this drug in large dosages for over 5 years. My latest relapse occurred in the middle of my last clinical rotation, so I'm obviously nervous this will happen again. However, last time I was ill-prepared and was not equipped with the information and support system I now have through this forum. By all means, feel free time chime in with your own experiences. I also wanted to thank everyone that posts on this site. I would have, without a doubt, relapsed by now if it wasn't for the support I gather from this forum. Your posts matter to me a great deal, even if I don't necessarily respond to them.

So there's good and bad news with what you're experiencing, Frank. The good news is what you're experiencing is indicative of healing of your brain's natural, endogenous (your brain's naturally created) systems related to feeling motivated again. I was reading a book recently that was talking about patients who had a stroke which destroyed the part of their brains that acted as a relay station involved with the motivation -> action -> reward loop. In other words, it irreversibly damaged the part of the brain involved with making want to do something, then doing it. These patients never again felt the impulse to do ANYTHING anymore. They were content (if you want to even call it that) with waking up, maybe sitting in a chair, and staring off into the distance till it was time for bed. They hadn't lost their intelligence either. Just their will do get anything done. Notice how similar this sounds to the early stages of Adderall recovery. This is because Adderall directly impacts that motivation -> action -> reward feedback loop. The reason why I say this is because if your brain was permanently damaged from Adderall, you wouldn't even entertain the idea of wanting to be productive throughout the day. The fact that you desire to get up and be productive on a day off from work is encouraging and shows you're on the right path to feeling motivated again. The early stages of Adderall recovery involves not even wanting to be productive throughout the day. So there is progress made in your recovery. The bad news is rather obvious: you aren't fully recovered yet and it will take more time. The best thing you can do for yourself is to try to establish healthy habits that will aid in rebooting that motivation feedback loop again. My personal favorite is establishing a new workout routine. Doesn't matter what kind of workout you do, but be sure to stick to it, no matter what, for the first few months. This will retrain your brain that your actions matter. The phrase "motivation follows action" sums it up pretty well.

The craziest thing I can remember (emphasis on the remember because my memory of what all happened while going through stimulant-induced psychosis is a bit hazy) doing was when I went into my bosses office and asked.. no.. DEMANDED for a raise. I thought so highly of myself that I believed I deserved higher pay than all my co-workers. I marched in there without knocking, placed myself standing in front with both of my hands on her desk, leaned in so I looked her square in the eye and said in the most demanding way I could muster "I deserve a raise. I do more than everyone else. Not only do I do more than everyone, the work I do is of higher quality as well. I am the future of this business and I demand for higher pay". She blinked a few times, trying to figure out what the hell is going on, then answered with a simple, but stern, "No".... No??!?! NO?!? I thought. I then slammed my fist on her desk so hard it made all the papers and items on her desk levitate for a few milliseconds and said "I AM THE BEST DAMNED EMPLOYEE YOU'VE GOT, GIVE ME A RAISE". Now she was mad. She screamed "I SAID NO!". I screamed "FINE!" then stormed out of the office, clocked out, and sped home. Thankfully I still had a job after this ordeal.. somehow. For the record, my boss was underpaying me and I was going to talk with her about it in a calm and rational manner, but after taking three 70mg vyvanse pills, I was absolutely convinced that this WAS the rational approach to achieving a raise.

While I was taking Adderall, there was a very small sane part of my psyche that was telling me "You know, what you're doing to your body and mind by taking these high doses of Adderall will eventually come back to haunt you and will make your life hell down the road", but I didn't care at the time.. I was doing what I thought was best for me in the here and now.. that's all that mattered to me. What would become of me in the future will be a problem for another day. Well, that day eventually arrived and I, and everyone else here, is paying for it now. What makes Adderall so insidious is its ability to trick the mind in rationalizing its use. I chased that euphoria it so readily provided. If I felt that euphoria sliding away from me, I would think "Wait, you're just going to let your work suffer? Just take another one! You can always tell your Dr you need to bump up your dose or you need to change your dosage in order to get a quicker refill!". I do NOT miss those days AT ALL. I felt like I was a slave to that pill. I put all my confidence into that pill, because without it, I was a bumbling, lethargic idiot who couldn't handle the demands of my life circumstances.. or so my old Adderall self would have me believe.

So to understand why you're feeling as bad as you are now, we must take a step back and consider what all is occurring in the brain of someone recovering from an Adderall addiction. A brain in recovery from an addiction is very fragile and does not respond as well as a normally functioning brain to life's stressors. It's trying to function and perform in suboptimal conditions. To make matters worse, we're all recovering from an addictive substance that directly impacts dopamine functioning, meaning the reward circuitry is going to be temporarily dysfunctional and not adequately provide that "feel good" feeling that should happen as a result from experiencing something that should make you feel good (i.e. receiving and giving affection from/to your girlfriend). From my understanding of the neuroscience regarding addiction recovery, what signals the brain to re-introduce more dopamine receptor sites (which would allow you to experience that "feel good" sensation much more readily) is low serum dopamine. I guarantee your brain is re-introducing more of those dopamine receptor sites in response to not taking Adderall for 7 months, but it takes time.. lots of time.. and this is the part that sucks for us. So what can we do to facilitate this healing process? Well there's nothing we can do to directly effect the dopamine receptor sites, your brain is hard at work correcting this dysfunction without your conscious effort, I assure you. What you CAN do facilitate this process is allow your brain to heal in an optimum environment that fosters healing. Meaning the lower the stress levels, the better the environment/conditions for healing. What you did by taking a full-time job is increasing the demand, thereby the stress, of an already taxed system. I'm not calling you stupid for doing this.. I mean we can't tell life to pause for a year because we need to recover.. but what I am saying is you need to go easy on yourself and admit that the best thing you can do for yourself is reducing your stress levels as much as your life allows. I'm going through graduate school as well and I could NOT imagine taking on a full-time gig on top of what I'm doing already. What you're doing is commendable, but will inevitably result in excessive emotional anguish and hardship. I've done the long distance relationship thing in the past and I fully empathize and sympathize with what you're going through. What helped me the most was scheduling a nightly Skype time with her, and I highly suggest in doing this if you're not already. I found it must be video, because seeing your girlfriend's gestures and seeing her smile at you will help you more than conversing with her alone. And yes proposing to her out of desperation to make yourself feel better is not a wise thing to do, I agree. If you haven't already, open up to your girlfriend a bit about how you're feeling about your current situation. This doesn't mean pouring your heart out to her and making her feel obligated to make a decision for you whether or not you should quit your job and move to be with her.. but do not shy away from vulnerability. I guarantee she understands what you're going through is tough and is wanting to know how she can be there for you. She's probably already picked up something is off with you, and if you don't open up with what's all going on with you, she will probably (if she's like my girlfriend) begin to wonder if you think she is the problem and will be hurt. By typing this, I don't want to delegitimize what you're feeling or making it seem like I have it all figured out and I'm doing great. All is not 100% on my end. Some days are not bad, other days are anxiety-riddled days where I just go through the motions and get the hell home as soon as I can. I have to remind myself that this is all part of the recovery process, and fluctuations are to be expected. Please take it easy on yourself and remind yourself that yes, yes you are recovering, no matter how shitty some weeks can be. All we can do is just push forward till our brains reach a level of normal, typical functioning.

How's everyone's sleep lately? It's 12:30 AM where I'm at and it feels like my eyes are plastered open and my mind finding sleep as unappealing and not wholly necessary. This is quickly becoming my greatest problem lately. The solutions I've read about range from medication (NO), to relaxation exercises (Ineffective, for me at least), to attempting to resetting my circadian rhythm (Did not provide any last effects). I get maybe 5-6 hours of broken sleep a night.

Traceme, though I don't know you personally I can say that, through reading your messages throughout the months I've been on here, that you're a caring and good natured person. Reading your posts has gotten me through rough times, and I hate to hear something like this has happened to you. I'm profoundly sorry.

Judging by what you're saying, you seem to derive a lot of your self-worth from the work you do. Now, this in itself is not a bad thing except when it leads you down a road of "if I could JUST find a way to do EVERYTHING, THEN I would truly be happy". Adderall becomes a VERY attractive option when you veer down this path, because it gives you the feeling (I wrote a post on this in the past, Adderall gives you the feeling that you can do everything, but it doesn't necessarily make you better at anything) that YES, Yes I can do it all!! Or at least at the beginning it does. But, as we all now know, it comes at a high price and that feeling fades over time and requires the use of more to get the same effect. This 'more to get the same effect' is absolutely dangerous and the reason why you need to stop this cycle right now before it gets any worse. Take this fatigue you're experiencing that this is a warning sign that you need to stop taking these pills. Luckily for you, you've only taken Adderall for a relatively short amount of time, so you shouldn't experience withdrawals for very long and should expect to recover in short time. However, I believe you need to seriously reflect on your position of everything needing to be done a certain way and taking on other's responsibilities. This line of thinking will eventually cause you to relapse each time you feel that you aren't good enough as you are to complete the tasks you're wishing to complete. I say out of experience and is something I'm continually having to work on. I would highly recommend counseling to you, because you need to address the underlying emotions and thought processes that got you to using Adderall in the first place. Good luck and use the site often, it helps and many of us are in relatively the same position you're in now.

Thanks Frank. Also, I wanted to thank you for being so transparent, honest, and insightful with your posts. I read all of em and can easily relate to what you're going through. Helps me keep on trucking knowing I'm not alone in this endeavor.

Renascido, you might've saved me from a relapse.. It's not all that hard being off Adderall when things are going smoothly.. when I'm not expected to perform.. when life's challenges are routine and predictable. But of course, life isn't always predictable, smooth or routine. There are times when we're expected to push our boundaries and perform in situations where our reputations are put on the line. Well, that happened to me this week, and I came EXTREMELY close (as in had the bottle of Adderall in my hand with my other hand pushing down on the lid to open it) to taking one to just get me through this excruciatingly stressful experience. For one of my grad school courses, we were having debates over various controversial topics related to health and wellness. Well, apparently I have a reputation for being a quick-witted and ferocious debater, and people kept coming up to me saying something along the lines of "Oh man, I cannot WAIT to see your debate, you're gonna KILL IT!!". While I do consider myself a natural skeptic and play devil's advocate quite often, I did NOT think I could do this without the aide of our good friend Adderall. On Adderall, I felt compelled and in the undeniable right to debate everything and everyone, disregarding everyone's political and social sensibilities in the process. I would forcible assert my position to whoever listened and defend it to the bitter end (which of course made me obnoxious to be around, but that's another story). So great.. here I had this situation where the 80+ people watching the debate have this expectation that I would be this ferocious, larger than life debater who would put on an awe-inspiring show. The problem was, I did not FEEL like the same person they remember me by. I'm battling the anxiety to just exist being in the same room with 80+ people at a time. Now I'm going to have to perform in front of all of them?!? I wanted to drop out of the debate and see if I could get an alternate assignment, but then people would think I chickened out. WTF DO I DO? Kill me now.. or maybe I can take Adderall "just to get me through this one time". That phrase "just to get me through this one time" reverberated throughout my head.. because in future instances, anytime anything out of the ordinary would come up, there would be this never-ending cycle of me taking Adderall "just to get me through this one time". I quit Adderall because I wanted to break away from this dependence.. this crutch that Adderall provided for me. I want to be ME.. just me. I want people to know who the hell I am, not who I am under the influence of legal crank. So I logged onto these forums and saw your post and it reminded me that I'm in this quitting thing for good. All it takes is one time for that addiction to rear it's ugly, disgusting head again. For the record, I took time to plan ahead for the debate. I rehearsed what I would say over and over again. When I stood in front of everyone, my palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on his sweaty already, mom's spaghetti.. okay not really about the vomit part.. but I started to perform and people ended up loving it (I won too). Preparation, something my past Adderall-self would probably argue to be unnecessary, was my saving grace. All in all, I did it. Still going strong at almost 4 months.

So relapse from stimulant medications happen quite frequently, as you can probably tell from the abundant "I relapsed again, so disappointed in myself" threads on this forum. Drawing from my own experience, I would tell myself I need to quit, be pretty solid for a few weeks, think to myself "I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again. I'm regaining my sense of humor and am beginning to feel like socializing with others. This isn't as bad as I thought".. only to relapse a few days later... What gives? I just thought to myself that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, only to pop a stimulant medication and be back at day 0 in my recovery. Well, I started to realize those thoughts I was thinking to myself were more a form of self-delusion than an accurate reflection of how I was feeling. Because tricking myself into thinking how "not so bad" quitting Adderall was, I found, ended up being much easier on my ego than admitting to myself that maybe.. JUST MAYBE.. I feel insecure without that elated feeling that Adderall provided in those tough situations where I felt that I needed to be 110%, whether it be an important social encounter or a big examination. Once I was able to identify that I used Adderall as a crutch for situations where I felt like circumstances were out of my control and I needed to be on my A+ game, I was able to quit for real. I would implore you reflect what compels you to take the Adderall EVEN THOUGH, as you stated in your post, you supposedly feel better without it. This will involve you being vulnerable if you're doing it honestly.

Hey eaterofplanets, I'm also someone who is currently going through stimulant medication and benzodiazepine withdrawal hardship, though I must admit your situation is a few orders of magnitude above mine. I can completely empathize with that soul-crushing feeling of not being able to quit these medications due to their devastating and mind-fucking withdrawal effects. I'm sure you're feeling trapped in your current predicament, because I sure felt like I was. You're not too far gone, but I can say with full-fledging confidence that you will NOT be able to (nor should you even try to) quit on your own. You need to find a physician that you trust and admit to your addictions. Having medical oversight of your withdrawal process is absolutely critical and necessary, especially with Xanax. By all means, do NOT try to quit Xanax cold turkey. Your tapering process (again, under physician supervision) will be stretched out over many months and should be gradual. I know someone first-hand who was able to recover from a 12mg a day Xanax habit. He tried quitting cold turkey and ended up in the hospital. The advice he gave me (which is the same advice I'm giving to you) is to fess up to a doctor you trust and follow their protocol. He's doing good now. You would have never known he had such a heavy addiction to a benzodiazepine unless he told ya. Be prepared for a long journey though. You WILL MAKE IT if you quit these drugs using the correct method of tapering. Feel free to message me if you want to know anything else.

So today I woke up in one of my "dreamstate" moods. I categorize this mood as one where I feel I never have fully woken up and the sleep I did manage to get was of poor quality.. I just kind of drift through the day like a piece of drift wood in a stream, lacking the ability (motivation) to control my own actions so I just surrender control to the environment I'm surrounded by. Coffee just elevates my heart rate and anxiety levels and has little to no impact on my energy levels and mental arousal in this mood. I figured I would try something different: I would go for a walk outside. Perhaps light exercise and sunshine will gently remind my brain that this is the time to be awake (not 11pm > ). On my walk, I decided to listen to an audiobook. I remembered I recently purchased Steven Hawking's book "The Universe In A Nutshell", so I figured why not.. I used to love listening to these type of complex and deeply analytical books when my Adderall dose was peaking back in the day. So, I pressed play and listened to the book as I attuning myself to the natural ambiance of the trail. However, my mind gradually began to grow increasingly entangled by the concepts presented in the book. I was following it at first, but then he started talking about extra dimensions, virtual particles, p-brains explaining the validity of Super String Theory and I believe I began to go cross-eyed. I was feeling like I was in class with an instructor plowing through abstract and complex material in a different language, with me, now reduced to a nervous hopeless invalid, helplessly scrambling to write notes as fast as I could. I could just imagine my former Adderall self sitting next to me in class, turning to me with bemused incomprehension, wondering why I was writing any of this down.. it was just so easy. But then, I started to think about this from an outsider's perspective.. "Wait, why am I getting frustrated by not understanding a book written by one of the most brilliant people alive on a subject for which I had no previous knowledge about and he spending his entire life studying?". It makes total sense why I didn't fully understand the information presented in this book. So I asked myself, "how did taking Adderall make me understand difficult and complex reading material back in the day?". However, that's not the right question, with the correct question being "DID Adderall make it easier to understand difficult and complex reading material?". It certainly FELT like I understood complex reading materials more when I was on Adderall.. and yet.. thinking back, I don't believe I could actually explain to anyone about anything that I was listening to. I would wager a bet that if my former Adderall-self and my current non-Adderall-self were to listen to this Steven Hawking book and take a quiz on the material after the end of each chapter, we would score roughly the same grade. If you were to ask each of us how we thought we did on the quiz before knowing the score, my former Adderall-self would probably say he did amazing and would get irritated that you doubted him in the first place, while my current non-Adderall-self would've hedged his bet and would say he didn't have any previous knowledge on the material and it was explained by one of the most brilliant physicists alive, so probably not well. The scenario above is hypothetical, but I have verifiable truth that this is in fact the case. I'm in a graduate school program studying to be a doctor of physical therapy. I quit Adderall halfway through my latest semester, so I have taken tests in the same courses both on and off Adderall. While I was taking a test ON Adderall, I felt like Neo figuring out how to control the Matrix in the first Matrix movie. It was just too easy, how could the professors bother writing such an easy test for a graduate school program.. this is just pathetic, I would think to myself. While I was taking a test OFF Adderall, I felt like a graduate student who put in a reasonable amount of studying taking a difficult but manageable exam. The test scores you might ask? Drum roll please.... Test average ON Adderall: 88 Test average OFF Adderall: 92 (all tests had a similar class average, so no tests were particularly easier than the others) How is this possible? Simple, and this is the main point in this post.. Adderall gives you the FEELING that you are capable of doing anything, but does NOT necessarily improve your performance on anything. In other words, Adderall makes you overly capable. That's it. You're not granted superpowers while on this drug, though your Adderall-self may surely think that you are. Thank you for reading.

No need to apologize. I'm not sure if this is a classic case of "misery enjoys company" but I, in a strange way, enjoy reading your rants. My thoughts have been overwhelmingly negative lately and I feel like I'm losing control of many aspects of my life. I would post more often, because I've plenty to share (complain about). But my mind has felt so discombobulated lately that I can't seem to manage organizing my thoughts enough to convey my current experience.

Ambien is in another class of drugs called "Z-Drugs" that function similarly to benzodiazepines. For all intents and purposes, it should be treated as a benzodiazepine with regard to it needing to be tapered.

Wheat and sugar have been hypothesized to perhaps cause many of the aforementioned problems. I appreciate the advice, but this isn't the case for me. I've eliminated all processed grains and sugars for quite a few years now.

Au contraire, I would NOT stop the Klonopin nor the Ambien abruptly, for this may result in a seizure among other serious complications. You can taper off both of those simultaneously, but be sure to go slow. Read up on the Ashton manual for tapering methods/time frames for the Klonopin and Ambien. Your sleep may be out of whack for quite some time, so be prepared for that. You can stop the Adderall cold turkey, however. Be sure to let your doctor know that you will be tapering off these medications.

I'm currently 62 days clean of Adderall. In various other posts, I stated I was 3 months clean.. which is sorta true because that's how long it's been since I stopped taking the massive doses on a consistent basis. However, I forgot I went on a one-day binge to aide with taking a big test. So, to be more authentic, I'm taking the latest date I took Adderall (dexedrine, same thing) to be my official quit date. The first month and a half off Adderall was.. to put in a single word.. agonizing. Here I was bombarded with massive waves on anxiety compounded, paradoxically so, with the insatiable urge to sleep.. all the while putting up this rigid pose of normalcy for the public eye, so as not to raise any suspicion that I was not mentally stable enough to continue grad school. I wanted to quit everyday. I would tell myself "this is not the time to quit Adderall.. there's too much at stake and your performance will suffer needlessly.. just quit some other time down the road", but, I knew deep down that there is no good time to quit. It needed to be today.. it needed to be now. So I stuck with it. If I felt terrible, I would spend time browsing through this site to see if what I was feeling was, well, normal.. not normal, but expected. Every night though, I'd have a small celebration. This was another complete day without Adderall. My grades weren't even suffering. In fact, I started to make higher grades on a few exams (I attribute this to the decreased anxiety). Even though I was in pain, I at the very least, felt accomplished at the end of the day. Then, something happened. The agonizing pain started to become less and less. "Is this what getting better feels like?" I'd ask myself everyday. I think this is healing.. then.. I started to feel nothing. Now, if you were to ask me on the first week "would you trade feeling nothing for the way you feel now?" I would have emphatically given a "YES, PLEASE!". But now, I'm not so sure I was choosing the better deal. This nothingness.. this apathy.. is far more insidious and seems to inflict harm deeper into one's soul. Nothing makes me very sad, but nothing makes me really happy either. I just, am. There don't appear to be too many highs and lows. I'm not very enthusiastic about anything in the near future. I find myself partaking in activities that used to give me great satisfaction back in time's past, desperate to feel any sort of enjoyment or enthusiasm. It usually gives me a slight elation, only to dissolve almost as fast as it came about, like trying to take in the sight of a shooting star. Talking to my loved ones involves me putting up a fake persona, one who's much more excited and interested than I could hope to be. Seeing my girlfriend come through the door after work (something I used to enjoy) makes me feel empty, like I'm trying to experience an emotion unknown to any human on earth. Is this what depression is? I was always under the impression feeling clinically depressed meant feeling saddened by life's circumstances, not this void of emotional being that I'm experiencing now. I apologize if this message was not helpful to you in any way. I normally like to end my posts with a note of optimism, even if it's just a "I may feel bad now, but it will pass". Today's post, however, will just end like this. I've never been good at expressing vulnerability in real life, so I suppose the next best thing is to express vulnerability through this online message board.

As the title would suggest, this recovery process has turned me into a hypochondriac. Perhaps it has to do with the increased anxiety - I'm not sure. It's odd though. I have no doubt that what I'm experiencing has to do with me not taking stimulant medications, but that hasn't stopped me from constantly researching what else my various symptoms could or might be derived from. I believe (still believe) that my current symptoms cannot fully be explained by withdrawing from Adderall. I also recognize that when I take a step back and look at the list of things I've come across that may explain my symptoms, I look like a crazy person. Here's what I've found so far: Low testosterone - Fatigue, low libido, weight gain, difficulty building muscle. Check! Adrenal Fatigue - Fatigue, tendency to have low energy throughout the day and a burst of energy after 11 pm, weight gain around midsection, low libido. Check! Pseudo-Cushing's Syndrome - Fatigue, muscle wasting in extremities, fat gain around midsection, low libido. Check! Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - Pretty much all what's listed above. Sure why not! Check! Okay this is getting embarrassing, but still more! Withdrawing from past SNRI use (may be warranted, since I did quit my old SNRI medication a little over a year and a half ago) Withdrawing from benzodiazepines- For the last couple years of my stimulant medication use, I needed a downer in order to gather a few hours of what may or may not qualify as sleep. Check! Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome- Can't seem to get my sleep cycle synced with life's schedule. I'm a zombie throughout the day, and miraculously (annoyingly) awake at night. Check! Hypothyroidism- Lethargy, cold extremities (sometimes?), low heart rate (used to stimulants artificially bumping my heart rate to 90-100, not used to seeing 58 when I check now), weight gain, depression. Oh boy, Check! Okay wow, that was rough.. rougher than I would have expected. This was an exercise for my benefit, since I've never really taken the time to consolidate all the possible diagnoses into a list. No wonder my significant other finds my "Okay, I think I know what's wrong with me now" speeches to be irrational and tiresome. This is sad. If a friend came up to me with a ginormous list of this magnitude, I would politely nod till about halfway through when I'd have to stop him/her and take time to ensure their mental facilities were still in place. I must ask, has anyone else experienced hypochondria going through this wretched withdrawal process? For whatever reason, I can't seem to admit that the Adderall withdrawal process is as debilitating as it really is.

I don't think he meant to imply that the average person's PAWS lasts 2 years, rather I believe he meant it *can* last up to 2 years in some individuals. Let's take the worst case scenario though, 2 year recovery time. Even in this case (which again I'd argue is on the extreme end), there will be improvements throughout the recovery process. The three month mark may be rock bottom, the 6 month mark may begin to show marked improvement, the 9 month mark you'll start experiencing natural motivation, etc. Recovery in the brain is a process and is non-linear.

I would say you're making a smart move by not waiting for inspiration or motivation to kick in order for you to get up and do something, instead, just doing it anyway regardless how you feel. I think this is where building and maintaining good habits really helps. I exercise around 6 days a week. Lately, I would say for at least 75% of these workouts, I do not feel like going.. at all. After I get off work I'm exhausted, hungry, and wanting to go home and sit on my favorite recliner under the A/C with a blanket and watch whatever series I'm currently hooked on. However, I bought a book with a structured workout program, and I've made a commitment to myself to stick to this workout plan, regardless how I feel. Having structure in this context is crucial because I'm no longer asking the question "should I workout today?" (which, again, 75% of the time I would say no, I don't feel like it), rather, I'm asking the question "which workout am I doing today?".

Yep. Today was a pretty dumpster day for me. I seem to be experiencing depressive episodes that come about in a cyclical fashion.. almost in waves. Well, I never fully transitioned out of the depressive mood today. It all cascaded from when I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed how much weight I gained since quitting. I'm in physical therapy school so I feel this weird obligation to be fit and to "look the part", since I'm prescribing exercise plans throughout the day. But, there are two things that help me when I catch myself in these moods, just in case anyone else reading this can relate and is looking for ways to help: 1) I try to remain non-judgmentally aware of how I'm feeling.. almost like an outside observer looking in. Instead of getting caught up trying to figure out why I feel this way and shaming myself that I should feel different, I just take a moment and observe my current state. If I feel depressed, I kinda tell myself "I feel sad right now", come to terms with it, remind myself that it's a transient state of being and it will pass (it ALWAYS does), and get on with whatever it is I need to do. 2) I remind myself that my brain is in the healing process, and for the brain to heal, it needs to figure out its new normal. This takes altering differing levels of various neurotransmitters, which results in my mood being up, down, left and right. Also, my receptors need to heal, and the only proven remedy is time. Anyway.. yay for off days! Part of the process indeed.