Tom23Jones

Sounds good that you are so determined this time. Its going to suck for awhile, there is no way around that but there is plenty of proof throughout these forums that it eventually gets better. As adderall addicts we are so hooked on that instant gratification that it makes early recovery really hard because we know that little pill will get rid of that lethargic lazy and depressed feeling but stay strong, time makes it all better. And there is no better feeling than when you finally feel free from the addiction. I thank God everyday that I'm not constantly thinking about Adderall, counting and recounting my pills, looking at my finances to see if I can afford more from my dealer... that was a truly exhausting way to live.

I was on a similar cycle as you for a long time. I'd take over 100mg most days and I'd tell my self every month that this is the last time. I'd say I'm done with this sh*t, I hate the way it made me so tweaked out but yet I still kept popping them like candy. It sounds like deep down you already know what needs to be done. All of us addicts try to lie to ourselves and think maybe one day we can handle adderall in moderation and have the magic we used to get from it but the truth is the magic is gone and we know we cannot handle this poison in any moderation. I think it would help if you got 100% honest with either your parents, sister, or boyfriend. Let them know the grip this drug has on your life. The only reason I say that is because I tried quitting on my own a bazillion times but when I finally broke down and told my wife how bad my addiction was is when I committed myself to quitting. I had hid it from her and lied about so many things, and most of my lies were setup to conceal this addiction so I wouldn't ever have to stop taking them. But telling her was so liberating, I ripped up the next two months of scripts I had and I gave her the phone # of my dealer who I was buying additional addies from. I told her, if you ever see that number on our phone bill then I have relapsed and to confront me about it. All that happened 8 months ago and I haven't had adderall since. And I can tell you that its going to suck for a few months but whats a few months vs the rest of your life? You have to really go all in though, you've gotta make up your mind that you aren't going to "try" to quit and see how it goes. You've gotta treat recovery like a BEAST. Refuse to ever put that sh*t in your body again. And I can tell you the trend that I see on here from myself and other people who successfully quit is at about 8-12 months of life without adderall things start getting drastically better. We all tend to start going to the extreme of taking care of our mind, body and soul. Its weird, its like the total opposite of life on adderall. I've started getting the proper amount of sleep every night, I go to the gym every weekday morning, I'm slowly removing caffeine and sugar from my diet, I meditate as often as I remember to. I can tell you there was a time where I assumed I'd take adderall forever and I just might not live as long as I should. How f*cking crazy is that? But now I'd never fathom putting another adderall in my body. Hopefully that gives you some hope that it can be done no matter what your current state of mind is. Lastly, you mentioned NA meetings, I highly recommend that. Its kinda weird at first and has sort of a cult atmosphere but you'll quickly realize how much you have in common with the peoples stories at these meetings. I've been going once a week since I quit and everyone recommends that I go to more meetings but one a week has been sufficient for me. The rare occasion I miss a week, I can tell my desire to stay 100% clean slips a little so clearly I'm getting some benefit from it. Good luck and keep us posted! ☮ ✌

I agree 100%. You have to mentally really commit to being done forever. I know how hard that is though, I let the addiction go on for about 7-8 years too long. I think it would help if you tell at least told one person close to you what you are going through and let them know you are quitting. It felt so awesome when I finally made up my mind and told my wife I was abusing adderall and I ripped up my next two months worth of scripts. It was scary as fu*k but at the same time it felt so good to take back control of my own life VS. the strangle hold adderall had on me. I also gave her the phone number of my dealer who I was buying extra addies from. I told her that if that phone number ever pops up on the phone bill then that means I relapsed. I also highly recommend NA meetings. It will seem like a cult atmosphere initially and maybe like you don't belong. You might even have to try a couple different meetings to find the one that is the right fit for you but once you do, you'll realize those addicts in recovery have so much experience, strength, and hope to share with you.

You are so right about this Frank. I've thought a lot about possibly speaking on these issues at college campuses or at least doing something to spread awareness about how powerful and dangerous this drug is. But I want to be farther along in recovery and have more examples in my life of success after adderall. Its crazy how liberal these docs are with prescribing these strong stimulants. Almost every friend or family member I have that has went to college has at least experimented with adderall. Luckily the majority of them didn't become full blown dependent on it. It makes me sick how these docs give this $hit out like its candy. I know for a fact some of the doctors I used to visit knew I was abusing the drugs but they'd still up my dosage. I'd be in the docs office completely tweaked out but still leave with more of that poison. What a joke, I don't know how they sleep at night.

Your story and mine are very similar. I progressed from 20mg per day to averaging 150mg daily. At one point I had a script for (90) 20mg xrs per month and I was buying an additional 30-60 from a "friend". I'd still run out in 2 weeks or less. The good thing is you sound like you aren't in denial about you're addiction and the control it has over you. You admit that taking the prescribed dose would not work for you. It took me a very long time to realize that. I'd lie to myself month after month, year after year. It sounds like you already know the best and only option. Adderall has lost its magic and its time to give it up. The vicious cycle of binging, being all tweaked out and anxious for a couple of weeks and then a couple weeks of withdrawl is not sustainable for anyone. And its no way to live. Its F*cking miserable! Don't get me wrong though. Quitting isn't easy. There are going to be some low times and its going to suck for awhile. But since I quit 8 months ago, I haven't once ever regretted it. I'm getting better with each and every month. Good luck kid, you are a young guy or girl and you have the best years of your life ahead of you. ☮ ✌

This was an awesome idea Duff. As soon as I have time today I'll do my physical self assessment.

We absolutely all care about each others recovery. Thats why we are here. Your road to recovery will depend a lot on how long you've been on adderall and what kind of dosages you were taking. Obviously if you've been on them for a long time at higher doses it will be harder but there are plenty of examples on these forums to show you that it can be done. Theres a little bit of a honeymoon period when you first quit where its not super difficult and for me it even felt really good, almost euphoric some days. BUT... then you'll face some difficult days, weeks, and months following that. My best advice is to be patient and trust the process. And if you have a significant other, let that person know that its going to be hard some days and ask that they support you and have patience. Also, I'm not sure how mentally strenuous your job is but it would be good if its possible to take some time off or do minimal work during your hardest days. Lastly, I'm a big advocate for NA meetings and these forums. I tried to quit for a couple years on my own but I was only able to kick the habit when I found the rooms of narcotics anonymous and these forums. Best of luck and keep us posted!

Appreciate that Frank. Sometimes it helps just knowing I'm not the only one going through these struggles. I only recently joined the gym and I do plan to hit it hard starting January. I've read so much about how cardio and weight training can help with recovery and also alleviate anxiety. Plus I need to shed some of the weight I gained after quitting. Its funny you mention you're wife thinking you were lying because occasionally my wife still gets uneasy if I'm doing anything away from the house for more than a couple hours. And I respect that because I've put her through so much in the past. I can't expect her to just regain all of my trust immediately. Its going to take a long time of doing the right things before I have her 100% trust back. I can also relate to what you mentioned about not being as passionate about your trade as you were on adderall. I can't stand my 9-5 office job now that I'm off adderall. Its so strange that taking that shit makes you think you enjoy anything that requires focus. I would mess with a rubiks cube for hours when I was tweeked out on adderall. Now that I'm clean, I'm considering so many different career paths. Money isn't even the ultimate determining factor for me. I just want a higher quality of life and to find something I actually enjoy.

I can totally relate to your whole story. The only difference is I was that husband spiraling out of control. And my wife wasn't aware of what was going on. She just knew that I would be hyper-focused, manic, and volatile for 2 weeks and then I'd go on a 2 week depression (which was when I ran out of pills obviously). It progressed and got crazier and crazier. I found a dealer to sell me extra pills but then I'd still end up doing all my prescribed pills and the ones from the dealer in 2 weeks. Then it got worse where I was doing them all in about 10 days (120-180mg daily). I don't have a good memory of everything that went on when I was using that large of an amount. But I agree with you, now is the best time to stop. Deep down he doesn't want to be stuck in this vicious cycle for his entire life. Its not sustainable and no matter how many times us addicts tell ourselves we'll use occasionally or limit our usage, its not going to happen. I also agree that you two see a therapist if he'll go for it. In addition to that I'd see if hes open to going to NA meetings. Its kind of weird attending NA meetings initially but I know that its helped me tremendously. There are so many stories you can relate to your own at those meetings. It just keeps it in the forefront of your mind that we aren't immune to this disease and we have to stay vigilant in our recovery.... I'd also show him this site and these forums if you haven't already. This site has been a powerful support system for me getting clean and staying clean.

I've reached the 7 month mark of life without this terrible drug. This recovery process is definitely not a linear process. I think it would be a lot easier if it was a linear process....if you knew with each and every day you are going to be getting better and better that would keep you motivated but thats not it how goes at all. You get better slowly and think you are building some momentum then you'll have a major low point out of nowhere. I actually think physically not taking Adderall is the easiest part of recovery. I honestly feel in my heart that there is nothing that would ever make me put that garbage back into my body again. But I'll remain vigilant in my recovery and keep reading these forums and attending N/A meetings. But I did want to vent about some of the hardest parts of recovery which I'm currently experiencing. But don't take this is discouragement because I've read plenty of peoples experiences on here who go through the same struggles I'm about to note and they slowly pulled through and thats what gives me hope. I hate the anxiety attacks..they come over me with no real trigger. I've gotten slightly better at controlled breathing and talking myself through it but not always. Sometimes I go into full panic mode and just think I can't catch my breath and/or think I'm going to go crazy or die. For anyone with anxiety you know how terrifying this is. I hate that feeling and it usually kinda fucks with me a few days after the panic attack, I don't know if anyone can relate to that? The next thing that I struggle with is occasional depersonalization. It comes and goes but I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this?? If you arent familiar with the term, the definition is; reality or detachment within the self, regarding one's mind or body, or being a detached observer of oneself. Subjects feel they have changed and that the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, or lacking in significance. It can be a disturbing experience. The next thing I struggle with which is kind of related to anxiety is I have a fear that consumes my mind way too much. That fear is that I fucked up my heart. I know its kind of an irrational fear because my chest never hurts or feels different but I just have this overwhelming fear that I messed up my heart beyond repair. Sometimes my mind will feel a little foggy and instantly I start thinking its because my heart is pumping efficiently enough. I know its possible my adderall abuse screwed up my heart and thats why to eliminate this fear I'm going to make a docs appointment and just find out for sure. I'll either have the peace of mind knowing that my heart is fine or I'll be able to address any issues. My last struggle that I want to vent about is just finding that motivational muscle again. I know that I just have to build discipline and just do the things that need to be done but its not that easy. The only way I can describe it is that sometimes my motivational muscle is completely paralyzed. I don't know how many times I've told myself I'm going to wake up early and hit the gym and begin a powerful morning routine but I'm not strong enough to follow through. Hell I end up not even waking up early enough to get to work on time at 9am and I only work minutes from my house. Sometimes my wife will be doing all the house chores, dishes, laundry, cleaning the bathrooms etc. and I'll set there the entire time paralyzed with lack of motivation and I choose not to help her. Even though the whole time my wife is doing these tasks, I know the right thing to do is to just get up and help but I can't make myself pull the trigger and do the right thing. Anyways, I'm sorry to have such a negative themed post but I feel like it helps me when I at least talk about the things I'm going through and someone might read this and relate it to their recovery. I'm also hopeful someone has some advice to get through any of the problems I mentioned or a timeline of when it gets better.

Thanks Bluemoon, thats very useful information you provided. It feels good to see that my timeline "stages" are normal. I was worried that something wasn't right with my recovery and I really questioned why I felt so happy early on but the Honeymoon stages describe this perfectly.

Awesome job Flow! And Happy Thanksgiving to you too! If you have chance could you briefly describe how much improvements you saw in months 7-12? I know it varies greatly for everyone but I'm coming up on 7 months and it seems the fog and depression is finally starting to lift. I'm hopeful that I'll continue to see improvements over the next several months. ...Again Congrats on the 1 year!!!

Hey Flip, you aren't weak or selfish at all. Thats just the power this drug has on you. Every time I got my new script filled, I told myself that I was going to give everything I had to take it as prescribed and I NEVER would even get through the first day before I was abusing it again. You are in a tough spot because you have a wife and mother-in-law who also has a supply. I know when I was abusing adderall, I would have stole any supply I could get my hands on. I guess my first question would be, would your wife consider quitting stimulants with you so you aren't tempted? At the very least she has to keep them secure and away from you. But I could see having resentment towards my wife if she was on stimulants and I wasn't.... especially on the hard days when you have zero motivation. You are in a very tough spot Flip. But I think deep down you know that the answer is quitting for good. Nobody wants to live going through these vicious cycles and you know that the way you are abusing the drug isn't sustainable long term.

Its been a little bit since I've posted to the forums but I wanted to try and put into words my 6 month update. Its definitely been a roller coaster. It seems like I'm always on the fence of hopeful and hopeless. The odd thing is my best post-adderall days were shortly after I quit. I guess it was about 1 month after quitting, everything felt so good, life was almost eurphoric. I enjoyed watching the sun come up, exercise felt amazing, I craved my wife's touch again, I enjoyed conversations with friends and family again. I remember saying, life feels so good, I don't want this to ever change, I was so happy I quit Adderall. But months 2-6 the positive vibes started to fade and I'm not sure exactly why. Part of me thinks initially quitting and beginning recovery kind of had like a novelty vibe. It was new and different which I desparately needed...anything besides the same vicious cycle of taking my 30 day supply in 10 days and then being depressed for the next 20 days. But again, I can't explain why the positive vibes quickly faded. I think part of it is that we get stuck in our heads and start taking the good things in life for granite. And the farther we get away from the date we first quit, the bad memories fade and we tend to think of the few positive attributes adderall gave us. Even though we all know the negatives outweigh any benefits by a landslide. I also think for some reason I can easily obsess on the negative things and I can quickly get stuck in a dark place. Which in turn paralyzes me from doing the positive things that I know help my recovery along. i.e. expressing gratitude daily, exercising, N/A meetings, meditating, praying. ... I don't know if this makes any since but its almost like that dark place in my head is my default feeling. I think its easier to go there because then I've got that excuse to just be lazy, binge eat, sulk, sleep. Opposed to putting in the work and doing the positive habits I mentioned. Oh, I just thought of another self defeating thing I do which is I obsess over my past adderall abuse and I get consumed with regret which is absolutely fucking pointless. I abused Adderall for 10 years, sitting around wishing that I didn't isn't fucking productive whatsoever. Excuse the language, clearly you can feel my hate for this nasty fucking drug. Anyway...today is a particularly good day which puts me on the hopeful side of the fence which is all we can ask for. Thanks for allowing me to share. I truly believe this website, in conjunction with N/A meetings, my higher power and a supportive wife has been what has saved my life.

Thanks guys, these are all things I needed to hear. Especially when my distorted thinking believes I need a shortcut to find success. Deep down I know it's only hard work and dedication that will lead to a successful life.

Probably a lot of pro golfers use adderall. I know a ton of the professional poker players use it. Its kind of an ideal poker drug because it allows you to stay awake and focused for so many hours. But you are hearing about it in more and more sports. Both the NFL and MLB have suspended players. According to Richard Sherman of the Seahawks everybody in the NFL is doing it. And most recently, Simone Biles of the United States gymnastics team. This brings up an interesting topic... I always get kind of jealous of successful adderall users. It upsets me that I didn't maximize the benefits to do anything great while I was using. I also have this screwed up way of thinking that 90% of successful people use adderall, which leaves me feeling like I'll never be highly successful without the drug. But I know I've got to shake that way of thinking because its only going to cause me failure or worse yet a relapse.

To answer your question, no I haven't told the doctor whats going on. All I did was cancel the next appointment I had scheduled and told them I'd call back if I needed to reschedule. The good thing is that I'm on my wifes insurance so she'd immediately see any appointment or prescription fills. Appreciate you giving me props. I knew it was the only choice I had if I was going to live a healthy/happy life. It finally hit me that I was completely powerless over the addiction and I was never going to be able to do Adderall in moderation. I've had a lot of positive feelings and great things happen since quitting but its not all sunshine and rainbows. The past 2 weeks have been particularly hard. My motivation to do literally anything has been paralyzed. For two weeks I haven't helped my wife around the house, I haven't gotten up early to exercise and plan for my day. I've been late to work everyday and I've been doing as little as possible to just get through each day at work. I'm stuck in this rut and I can't trigger my motivation muscle. Whats weird though, is I've had really good weeks since quitting adderall. I've weeks where I'm exercising and planning so much that its euphoric in a natural way...but for now I'm pathetic and lazy. I keep thinking- tomorrow I'll get fired up again but we all know tomorrow never comes.

Well I had two sources for getting adderall. I had a legit prescription and then I had a friend who would sell me his monthly supply. When I finally realized my habit was not sustainable and I was killing myself I knew what I had to do. I told my wife everything which is really the only precautionary thing I put in place. I had 2 hard copies rX refills for the next two months so I ripped them up in front of her. I also told her about my friend who was supplying me with addies. I gave her his name and number and told her to track our phone records, If i'm calling or texting him, thats bad news. I committed to her and myself that I will never take that fu*king poison again and that I'll go to N/A at least once weekly for at least the next several years.

Doge makes a good point about becoming so passionate about the details that you neglect the actual project. You don't know how many times I've went to my basement to clean up/organize and I get stuck organizing one book shelf for 3 hours because I cannot get it to look "perfect". And it truly does make you enjoy things that you typically wouldn't. I used to neglect my wife in the evenings for hours because I was f*cking with a rubix cube. How lame is that? But on Addy's I would become obsessed with things like that. I think there are some things you initially enjoy more when you add adderall but in the long run I feel like adderall sucks the fun out of things. I've got two examples; I've always loved poker and golf. Adderall is like steroids for these two hobbies and at first I loved the added concentration. But after years of doing these hobbies hopped up on adderall I realized that I wasn't enjoying them anymore. I was cold and calculated, rarely talked to my playing partners or other people at the poker table. I never would laugh or small talk. Not to mention how aggravating it is to have to pee every 10 minutes because your so tweaked out on adderall and caffeine.

Hey Maisy, I can totally feel your pain. Adderall is sneaky because it makes you enjoy doing things that you really aren't passionate about....like work. When hopped up on adderall, I was completely content with my current job and I would happily grind my 8 hours responding to emails @ hyperspeed, being super organized and being laser focused on the task at hand all while planning out my evening and weekend plans in between work tasks. But I've come to realize that all those feelings were bull$hit and fake. I think adderall ultimately holds us back from our real destiny because it makes you content with $hit that you don't really enjoy. So I think the real key is chasing dreams that you really are passionate about. I'm not saying to quit your current job but I'll bet there is something else you could be doing that you could get all fired about without adderall.

Awesome read Kim. Just keep getting through each day, it'll get easier with time. The human body is pretty amazing at repairing itself from the damage we cause. I can relate to so many things you mentioned. Especially the part about having an insensitive support system. When I was abusing adderall my wife had to deal with me being an emotional roller coaster. She never understood why my personality was so volatile from one week to the next. For the longest time she had no idea I was popping 30 days worth of adderall in about 10-12 days and then I had to suffer the other 20 days out of the month. She tries her best to stay supportive but when I have days where I cannot motivate myself to do literally anything she gets pretty resentful. She doesn't understand how crippled I feel sometimes without Adderall. But I can't say I blame her. I've put her through a lot. And I admit when I'm having bad days, it gets pretty pathetic and if I allow myself to stay feeling all depressed and down that its only going to compound the negativity. Dealing with life without adderall is freaking hard but it feels so good to feel things again. After being numb to everything for so long even pain feels good in a way. The other frustrating thing for me is knowing what works but not being able to take action. I've had success since quitting adderall when I wake up early, exercise, meditate, eat healthy, make daily productivity to-do lists etc but its so easy to cheat or take a day off and then it leads to a full week of laziness and I 'm back searching for motivation and focus again. Lastly, I'd highly recommend N/A meetings. Its super weird at first and almost seems like a cult atmosphere but you'll quickly find how much you have in common with other addicts. We all have similar stories and have experienced the same struggles. Its nice to be in a room full of supportive people who don't judge you. Peace ☮ ✌

I'm now 30 years old and abused adderall almost every single day from the time I was 20 until about three months ago. This is my first post telling my whole story and I don't really know what all I'm going to write so excuse any ramblings or run-on sentences. I also apologize in advance for a lengthy article. I know we all have a hard time focusing for very long lol. I was never diagnosed with ADD is a child or teenager. My adderall story started when I was 20 years old and a co-worker let me try one of his 20mg Addies and holy shit! It was the most magical thing ever. Instantly I thoroughly enjoyed my job that day (which I typically hated). I enjoyed talking to anyone who would talk to me. It was 100% love at first Adderall. It was everything my life was missing. Its hard to explain but just walking outside everything looked clearer and more vibrant. The first few times taking Adderall I would even get emotional about how great life is and all that I've got to be thankful for. It made me pick up my phone and call family and friends that I don't speak to often enough. <-- but we all know after abusing adderall for an extended period of time that this changes and we become less and less social with friends and family. From the moment I felt those euphoric feelings kick in, it was my mission to obtain a prescription for myself. At that moment I never had a clue how deep the obsession would become. Nor did I have any idea how much pain and chaos it would cause years later. It was beyond easy to manipulate my doctors and within 2 weeks after trying that first adderall, I was out the door with a prescription of my own. Now I'm going to fast forward about 5 years; I'm 25 years old and a highly successful outside salesman for a fortune 500 company. I hate giving adderall credit because I have so much hate for the drug but I know with out a doubt that it accelerated my career. The pill was beginning to lose its magic so naturally I took more and more. My normal doctor wouldn't give me what I was asking so I found a mental health doctor who prescribed me 3x daily 20mg xr. After meeting with her one time I was out the door with my ninety 20mg pills. I really regret how oblivious I was to what I was doing to my body. For years I never even researched long term effects. I had no idea that I could have been damaging my heart, my mental well being etc. But I was blinded by the pure obsession of obtaining and taking more adderall to function optimally. The first time I realized how big my problem was a huge wake up call. I had never broken the law in my life but adderall had my world so screwed up that I committed a felony forgery to obtain more pills when I ran out. That felony charge and the fact that I continued to abuse adderall would ultimately be the demise of my career as an outside salesman. I've had a few jobs since then and continued to abuse adderall up until about 3 months ago. My adderall abuse got so bad that it would cause massive panic attacks where I felt like I was having a heart attack. I would tweak out and get all sweaty doing nothing. I would see shadow people and act paranoid all the time. I put myself through the same vicious cycle every single month. I would take upwards of 150mg daily for about 2 weeks then I would crash for two weeks straight and be depressed until I could obtain more adderall. I finally hit rock bottom about 3 months ago and did enough research to know that my habit was not sustainable. I would have eventually died if I continued the way I was going. I quit cold turkey and suffered for about 2 weeks pretty bad but then things slowly started improving. I really got excited about having my own natural feelings again. I regained my sense of humor and I've started to reconnect with friends who I had neglected for years. I attend N/A meetings weekly and could probably benefit from going multiple times a week. But for some reason these last 2 weeks have been tough for me. I've really struggled with getting motivated to do anything. Whether it be work, exercise, house chores. I've also got a lot of paranoia about what I may have done to my body. Physically I have a fear that I could have damaged my heart. And mentally I have a fear that I may have screwed myself up so bad that I'll never feel happy or focused. But I know thats all because I've been in my own head a lot lately. I know I'll be okay because I've experienced genuine happiness and excitement about life since quitting adderall. This is just a rough patch that I've gotta get through. Thanks for allowing me to share ☮ ✌