SeanW
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Posts posted by SeanW
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Man it’s daunting to think of life being this way till the day I die. People are so quick to call someone a coward for committing suicide like they weren’t strong. They think everyone experiences life and pain the same. The pain we feel and go through could be something those people have no clue about. They can only imagine. I’ll fight till the day I die because I’m not giving up.
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15 minutes ago, quit-once said:
I don't think any less of you for what you did. In fact, if you have always been curious, it was bound to happen, especially since you've been struggling with abstinence lately. I consider meth to be adderall's sinister sister. Very closely related, but not exactly the same shit. Meth is actually cheaper and easier to get than Adderall. I have had friends "graduate" from Adderall to meth and continue their addiction for several more years, so be careful. Personally, I tried meth several times before taking up Adderall. I didn't like it - for me it was way too intense and I hated its side effects.
I think your best chance for a successful recovery will be if you leave your toxic environment and start over somewhere else. When are you planning to move to Denver?
I was in Colorado all January and had to come back home to figure out what to do with my pup cause I didn’t have a yard for him in Colorado so I found a friend to take care of him. I fly back to Colorado Wednesday. I was in way better shape there. Something that has been bothering me for awhile now is when I look in peoples eyes I feel they just see a dead cold lifeless person and I can feel their distaste and how they just brush me off like my words are empty and meaningless like I have no real value to be actually listened to or paid attention too and it makes me feel like shit and terrible about myself.
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1 hour ago, BK99 said:
I’m right there with you. I should probably avoid bars, but I have a passion for music...and guess where most of that takes place? Bars.
Same, I play open mics and just listening to live music can take me out of all this pain
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You’re right frank. My addictive personality is turning me into an alcoholic. I can’t drink anymore.
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Thanks for the replies everybody.. just trying my best to get things going for me and every time I take a few steps forward I ended up messing up and fall back after all the progress I worked hard for. I’m really tired of all the pain and hurt. I feel like such a miserable asshole. It breaks my heart to look into the eyes of family and friends and people and they look at me with disgust and disappointment. That’s the hardest part. My heart breaks every time knowing how I’ve hurt and let them down. It’s like they think I don’t care and I’m just a piece of shit fuck up but I beat myself up all the time over it as they continue to treat me like I I actually want to hurt them like I’m heartless but it couldn’t be any further from the truth. I hurt everyday over mt mistakes and I’m god damn tired of fighting to stay alive for them. If I didn’t have family I’d have no reason to live. But anyways.. here’s to another day trying to crawl out of hell.
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I’ve spent the day today crying.. I’ve betrayed my family, my self, and you guys - all the people who love me. I was out drinking Sunday and some guy offered me coccaine but I had to ride with him to his place. Got there and his buddy has meth out and smoking it. I was drunk so there’s wasn’t much inhibition. I’ve done so much adderall I knew what it was like to be strung out and honestly was slightly curious to compare meth to it because I’ve never smoked it and that’s a huge controversial topic of discussion. So I ripped one. It without a doubt is literally exactly like what it feels like to take a high dose of adderall, comparable to 90-100mg of adderall. I’m not looking for pity. What I did was stupid. I didn’t continue to binge or anything but I was up for the next 12 hours. I just thought for those interested in knowing, it is exactly like adderall. Adderall is meth. Dumbass people are like “adderall has one less functional group, functional groups completely change the behavior of a molecule.” Which is true in a god damn lab but once ingested its structure metabolizes and behaves almost indentical and in my case was identical to meth. I have no desire to do it again but I’ve always had this little voice when it comes to experimenting with psychoactive drugs “give it a try you’ve never done it” so I did ONCE. And never again. I know it comes with a dirty rep because it is dirty fucked up shit I just hope you guys don’t look at me differently for doing this stupid shit. Anyway, y’all have a good one, love you guys.
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1 hour ago, Clavicula said:
I am heavily addicted to cigarettes (pack a day) and EXTREME amounts of caffeine daily (10 cups of coffee), but I really don't feel like I am too worried about it because it is helping me stay off Adderall/amphetamine. I have started to decrease the amount of cigarettes I smoke, my goal is to get down to two or maybe one per day, so that I can enjoy them long term (because honestly I love it so much and don't want to stop) without health problems. It seems like people who get lung diseases from cigarettes are smoking a pack a day for like several decades. I think I can avoid health problems because my goal is to only smoke one per day and I order pounds of unprocessed tobacco leaf with no additives (yes, pounds. It'll last me a year, and it's incredibly cheap), and I roll my own. But typically I don't use a filter and I feel like if I want to avoid health problems I should definitely buy some filters.
Fun fact: 90% of schizophrenics smoke! Idk what that's about. But I'm schizophrenic so it makes sense.
Yep, I smoke too. Started around the time I had a psychotic break and just kept smoking. It’s been about two years now. The psychotic break is what helped me quit adderall because the psychosis was adderall induced but after a year clean I was still battling paranoi and dillusions so I got medical help and lots of therapy. It’s like the amphetamines either triggered a predisposition for schiz or my drug induced psychosis just became lasting.
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It won’t take too long. You’ll get better fast. Just stay off of it and you’ll be feeling better in no time.
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I’m diagnosed schizoaffective with bipolar traits. I’ve had severe psychotic breaks. Been to partial inpatient rehab for four months. I learned the hard way. Cut the stimulants and take your anti psychotic. My brain and dillusions many times told me to stop my meds to take more adderall, etc. it’s a really hard situation to be in because what we believe to be true makes us do things that are bad for us. Like stopping all our meds only to have a psychotic break months later and our life falls apart.. eat, sleep, and take your meds.. out dillusions fuck us up big time. It’s hard to portray what we go through but in the midst of all the chaos we have to eat, sleep, and take your anti psychotic.. in time all the crazy ness will be clear to see and you’ll be like holy shit wtf was I thinking.
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On 2/21/2019 at 7:28 AM, LiberatedMind said:
I found my trigger. I feel like my life is bland, and empty. Not exciting. Nothing is happening. Things are un-enjoyable, I am bored. Daily grind, everything is boring. Even dates feel stupid to me. Sex is boring. Don't really feel like doing anything. I am feeling lazy in general, my focus on little projects I set for myself has gone all over the place.
This is exactly the reason I decided to quit. Because I wanted to live life and enjoy things, and I felt Adderall was taking that option away from me. And here I am 7 months later, feeling the same. I am not very objective right now though, because I am looking at my life through the lens of "You are bored! Want to make things exciting and fun? Take Adderall!"..
Maybe this is just who I am, and the person whom I default to and I just placed the blame on Adderall?
My mind is not very balanced at the moment. I am constantly searching for justifications to obtain it.
I also do not like dealing with certain aspects of myself, and Adderall is an escape for me. I admit this. I try to be as honest with myself as possible, even when I am making bad decisions.
I do have some relief expressing my frustration and challenges here, and I appreciate all your support. I really do. I am not trying to ride a pity train here, I just need an outlet to express myself.
And I know myself well enough that when I reach this stage of contemplation (i.e. "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no" to getting Adderall) eventually it just turns into a hard yes. I know this because it happened probably well over 25 times already. The only way to not do it is not to think about it, that's how I quit cigarettes. Something is different about Adderall addiciton though. Cigarettes were literally a "habit addiction", I only smoked them because I was used to smoking them. I get zero cravings for them anymore, I hate cigarettes now (I smoked 10 years, and quit 5 years ago). Adderall seems to touch upon my inner self, something much deeper, I almost feel like I cannot connect to certain parts of myself without it.
It does give me some relief to express myself here. I hope to be as strong as everyone else here, I am not feeling very strong at the moment.
The first reason it feels this way is because adderall fried your reward system. It’ll be like this for a few years.
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I’m approaching two years clean. I relapsed around 14 months for a month then again around 18 months for a month and a half. All I did was take me ten steps back. Ten steps I worked really hard for while sober. I stopped showing up for work to a job I worked really hard to get. I stopped working out at the gym. I was staying up too late. It didn’t help me in any way when I relapsed. Don’t do the same.
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Yeah I remember needing a good 40-60 mg just to get the day started then by lunch doing another 20 then dinner another 20 and sometimes more. I always had to redose through out the day the moment I felt like it was wearing off I’d slam some more.
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Yeah before adderall I tried pretty much every drug out there multiple times I could do coccaine, opiates, benzos, alcohol, marijuana, lsd, mushrooms and never craved them. I could go months in between uses without thinking twice no side effects or craving and I prolly used each between 5 and 10 times over the course of 5 years. Then came adderall. There has been nothing in my life come even close to the power adderall had over me. I felt I HAD to do it every day and I did. Everyday all day for four and a half years. The shit is fucking evil and really fucks you up..
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It varies, usually the first year things are at a pretty steady dose because it’s the fairy tale stage, everything feels great. It can last up to two years then things usually get escalated pretty quickly and spiral out of control and can last from one or two more years on up to five to ten. Just depends on the person and circumstances.. he’s most likely not going to open to quitting any time soon but you can at least try and show him this site and beg him to save himself years of pain and suffering but he’s not going to want to hear it and probably get angry and because he’s in love with the drug and you trying to take that from him.. anyways, I wish you the best.. sorry to hear this
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Possibly. If I had to guess he’s probably struggling to stop and goes days with out taking it and that’s when he seems like his old self but then faulters and takes some again and goes right back to the adderall jerk. I did the same thing a lot when trying to quit. I ended up losing my gf of 5 years over this stuff because of the person it made me.
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Adderall is a terrible thing to mix with an addictive personality/alcoholism... sorry to hear this.. I fear the worst but you never know. A miracle could happen.
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I also sucked at swimming. Virtually no body fat but I took on getting certified as a life guard. All the training to get certified really helped. Has to swim 200 yards no break. Had to dive to the bottom and pull someone to the surface and situate them with the guard float. Had to subdue a struggling swimmer and pull them to safety. I admire people who can swim really well. It’s quite a sight, they look like dolphins. Haha I think the lack of gravity makes swimming a really good and unique exercise.
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Just keep working out. It’s proven to rebuild the neurotransmitters that adderall has fucked up. You’ll be alright. Eat healthy too.
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Just a little check in from Colorado. Been here a few weeks and I’m pretty sure I just secured a job as a tennis coach. I played tennis in college and today I went to a local club to play and pretty much for offered a job. Just waiting for the interview call. I’ve been sleeping way better here and eating way healthier here. Making a strong come back from my relapse a month or so ago. Fuck adderall.
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Quit now is the best advice I can think of
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Lol bro, that shit is so accurate. I’ve had those thoughts many times before.
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There’s always hope. Adderall is a hell of a drug and turn your life into a living hell. You can get out of it you just got to take care of yourself.
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@BK99 I think depression played a bit part in my relapse. I needed to make big changes in my life as far as a career and I had no motivation or desire to do it. I thought it would be different and it was, I took the prescribed dose and ate and sleep which i didn’t do before but I still didn’t make any progress in getting my act together and I felt guilty for taking it. It didn’t help anything so I stopped.
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Feeling home sick...
Been 100% clean 7 MONTHS, but now I have immense cravings!!!
in General Discussion
Posted
I don’t remember your useage but the more you binged and used extremely high dosages the more it was neurotic and fried your neurons. If you stayed within a reasonable dosage your system is depleted but not so much damaged. I spent my last year of use taking 80-150 and sometimes up to 200 a day which is severely neurotoxic. I’ll be at two years clean next month and I’ve had a lot of improvement this second year. I can see by the end of year three I believe I’ll be in prettt good shape.