SeanW
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Posts posted by SeanW
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I'm glad you've made it this far. You're doing great. I'm at a year and a half sober but I still drink occasionally. I struggle everyday feeling empty and with terrible anhedonia. The only thing I know to do after struggling this long with these feelings is to do something. When I start feeling and thinking that way I just get up and find something to do or I'll just sit and feel terrible. I force myself everyday to hit the gym. I get waves of heart break pain where I'm so sick and tired of fighting this fight. I've became so familiar with these moments when I start feeling this way Ill do anything I can to distract myself. I also would like to see someone but I don't have the motivation and don't feel worthy or that I'm not in good enough shape to. I just keep telling myself this can't last forever.
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Day one off I was paranoid, severe social anxiety, dropped out of school, no job, no money, unable to get a job or communicate at all.
Today I have a job, I can communicate though it still is uncomfortable, planning resume school in January.
When I take things day to day a lot of the time I feel angry and helpless like I'll never get out of this but there has been progress you just have to look at the big picture and hang in there.
I too have no clue what interest me. For the most part I feel numb and that I've lost my passion. Before I was so use to following what I felt but I can't do that anymore so I tell myself to just do what is logical and follow my brain make a decision and stick with it.
we all had adderall dreams for me I want to be a musician and play professional tennis
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I have a very similar story. Ended up rock bottom, moved back home, went to an outpatient rehab for about two months. I'm 19 months clean and my anhedonia is still very prevalent. I find it very hard to find any motivation to do anything and I'm bored all time. I force myself to workout daily and eat healthy. Things have gotten slightly better with time. I'm am definitely a lot better than the first few months. I'm going to hang in there and hope for the best because a lot of long time quitters say you don't get significantly better till year two and three.
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In my opinion a disconnect from ourselves is a major part of our negative experiences. A huge part of recovery is rediscovering yourself. This takes time and a dedication to work hard and commitment to helping yourself get back in touch. Many people have made great recoveries coming from positions just like yours and mine.
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Im not trying to insult you in anyway. I know you're well aware of your situation. I'm just reassuring you of the situation and giving you more reason to hopefully quit.
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It seems to happen to a lot of us. We lose ourselves and it can be very confusing and scary. For me it fed my psychosis and delusions and anxiety. Here is a popular delusion that happens and a great way to look at it. It really helped me. Also a lot of the social anxiety stems from not knowing who we are as a character in this story of life. And this addresses what happens when you lose that character and have to rebuild one.
Sean, I totally know what you mean about this parallel universe concept, for me at my worst, I have this sneaking suspicion that the world as I know it has changed its predestined timeline, and entered into a reality where I am no longer a character. Quantum Death Theory sorta nightmarish scenario. My part was written out.
I lost my job of ten years a few months ago, we went out of business, and since then my whole identity has crumbled. Sitting at home with no car and lots of adderall did awful things to my psyche. I am still not convinced the above scenario DIDN'T happen. Used to be all these signs and synchronicity in my life, I was once a part of it, an active player in my own life. I can't remember when that stopped. It's been years.
But maybe, it's not that I'm not a part of the world anymore, but that I've blinded myself to that inherent, ultranatural guidance system. Maybe the signs are there but I'm not seeing them because I am filled with doubt. Maybe I'm paralyzed cuz there's too many possibilities, how do I choose?
This below really helped me move forward and progress.
The best thing I can do for myself, is to start making decisions (small, mundane to BIG LIFE ALTERING) from the perspective of the person who isn't focused on the small immediate future, who can't see the forest cuz she's busy analyzing the bark on a tree. That person hasn't been helping THIS PERSON ( me, here, now) get her shit together THIS WHOLE TIME.
However, everybody at their own pace. You will disappoint people, societal demands you may not meet, but when it comes down to what is real, those things will rise to meet you. People get it wrong when they try to contort their selves, their lives, to fit what they think are societal demands. I posit that if you "do you", work on yourself, better the man inside, make him as healthy as you can, the world then conforms to meet you, and bends to your will.
I have yet to experience that, but I am still phase one, understanding the concept, attempting to become healthy.
Godspeed.
You and quit-once like this Unlike this-
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I did all the drugs and typical regime that you have been doing. I am literally you two years from now. I'm 26 and I was in the same position you are at 24. I didn't quit till 15 months ago. Because eventually I was unable to hold a job or function from all the use. That's where you're headed if you don't take care of yourself and quit/wean off/moderate. Imagine being unable to communicate or hardly function. It can happen and will happen if you keep at this. When that happens you're fucked a lot worse than you are now. I wish you the best and that you take my advice because things can be a lot worse or a lot better. It's up to you.
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Yeah it looks good.
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I've been where you are. Stuck in between a multitude of drugs. I was using just as much adderall, tons of klonopin, marijuana constantly, alcohol, and any kind of pain med I could get my hands on. I was in hell, near death and I felt just as hopeless and suicidal as you're feeling. I don't want to sugar coat it but getting out of this mess is not easy. You have to pay the piper, pay your dues and youre way behind just like I was and still am. The first six months I never knew life could be such hell but things slowly got better and even though every now and then I get waves of hopelessness and pain now 18 months clean. When I look back to when I first quit I'm so much better and so far away from all that misery and suffering and it feels great. I hope you can do it too. I know you're strong enough and more than capable. You've been dealing with emotional suffering for so long abusing these drugs I know you're more than capable of making it through recovery. Find a group and find company that understands. That was the biggest help for me. Even though all of me just wanted to sit alone and die, once I finally forced myself to meet with people it really helped.
We are all here for you and have been through what you're going through. We have compassion and our heart goes out to you.
I wish you the best, you can do this.
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It's definitely considered psychosis. I was extremely paranoid and it took a lot time to get over.
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Also don't be afraid to reach out for help with mental illness. I went to a rehabilitation program and it really helped. All the shit we've been through takes a toll and makes us feel psychotic.
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You have a very good perspective on things here. Life's not always easy a lot of times it's a bitch. The challenge will always be daunting at first but once you start and once you begin things getter significantly better with time. You learn it's okay to be unmotivated sometimes, it's okay to be bored sometimes, and that they're just lows that you ride out. Just know they'll be highs to ride out too where your motivated and happy. You can say inspiration is gone for good and give up recovery but I guarantee you this once you start down that path a day will come where you'll be so god damn miserable and everything has fallen apart and you've lost yourself and everything you were to the drug you'll no choice but to die or quit. At this point you'll realize you want to live and that it's not worth dying over. The sooner the better.
I wish you the best
Cameron
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I know how you feel. I was in the same position except I just moved into a new apartment and it was literally infested with roaches. I would kill 30+ a day and it took two months for terminex to get them out. During that time I went insane trying to get rid of them myself. Literally doing everything you can think of. If it helps you do your work and you're able to still sleep and eat then you can prolly make it the rest the semester but know when next semester roles around you'll be tempted to use again. So eventually you got to say no and do shit sober. I've been off for 18 months and man I do not miss my manic nights not sleeping or eating. Just going insane. Those roaches were the worst. Just be happy you're not infested like my place was, literally at night every 15-20 minutes I'd see a roach crawling somewhere. I killed and flushed them all since according to terminex it was the only way to guarantee death. I had my bed on stilts with each stilt in a poison dish. Did all the calking, had poison everywhere. Ahhh makes me sick just thinking about back then. I'll fucking move if I ever have to do that again. I literally woke up one morning to one crawling on my head.
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10 hours ago, sleepystupid said:
love this passage - it's so very true!
I can't agree more with this guy. I've had similar experiences with the same drugs and they've all been positive experiences beside fucking adderall. Adderall ruined everything.
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Glad you're back!!
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Happy for you! Coming up on 17 months and just started a new job and I'm planning to complete my bachelors next semester. Super nervous about my ability to finish this degree that demands 40-50 hours a week "chemical engineering". I relied heavily on adderall to get to my senior year then I went psychotic and dropped out to get clean and save my life. It's nice to see you were able to finish your degree. I hope I can do the same! I'm finally feeling better with this job even though it's just to fill my time till I finish school. I hope to be in your shoes when I hit two years! You've given me hope and something to aim for! If all goes as planned I'll have graduated and landed a job making about the same and hopefully be living my own!! Again, I'm so happy for you and hope to share a similar experience:)
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22 hours ago, EricP said:
I really feel like so much of this has to do with whatever adderall does to our reward system. Passing my 1yr by a couple months now I do find the energy and drive to get some stuff “done” and my depression is much much less than before however it all feels pretty “flat” to me.
Finding joy is difficult and I get very little self reward out of just about anything. I have built up my confidence and am finally “functional” which I am so grateful for when I think back to how many hours I sat waisting away on my couch... Now no mater what “physical” side effects I have left I truly hope and pray I get my “joy” back... I see it everywhere and have great people surrounding me yet it is such a lonely place to just not “feel it” like normal people do...
This for me and perhaps any of you that can relate explains the “slump”....
Very well put. Being around friends and going out I too see the joy and wish I felt it like they do. I get very brief moments where I'm in the moment and full of joy but I watch it quickly fade away. Wish my damn brain would fix its self but maybe it'll never be the same. Hopefully years down the road I'll be able to live joyfully. Gotta keep some hope that I will at least..
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I'm so tired.. so tired of this.. so tired of pain.. I don't want to be here anymore..
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I'm in the same exact position just at 17 months off and trying to decide to go back to college this semester or in the spring. I'm 25 and am also nervous about my ability to finish my degree since I relied heavily on adderall to get to my senior year where of he curriculum is ridiculous "chemical engineering" so idk whether to finish it or take a different path.
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Kratoms not a good idea. You can abuse that shit too. Which I did during my adderall days. Kratom was one of the downers I used and that shit is potent. To me it was just a strong or stronger than hydro and oxy codon. The only difference is it won't kill you but I'm pretty sure it still does a number on your brain. I'm 17 months clean off adderall and I'm still recovering. The cocktail of shit I was using really did a number on me. I can relate to feeling like you always need something from even before I found adderall I was much more manageable drug user and pretty much perfectly functional. Sucks now post adderall not using anything expect occasional alcohol and nicotine. Never thought I could fuck my self up this bad. I guess being young and dumb thinking I was invincible.. nobody could of taken the amount of shit I was taking and not had some sort of mind fuck. Anyways, at least I'm only 25 and maybe ten years from now at some point I'll hopefully find some way out of this. Just thought I'd share my experience with kratom. Did it for about two years straight and that stuffs no joke, gets you high as shit.
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I've been getting blurry and double vision lately
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3rd attempt isn't too bad. Took me till bout my 15th attempt.
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Yeah you don't want psychosis especially if it sticks around like mine has
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I've been off for 15 months and just started a outpatient daily rehab. You have group therapies where you discuss your self and traumas and problems. You also meet individually with therapist and you learn to love yourself and how to cope with healthy habits.
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8 months and 21 days clean off 17 years of adderall/dexedrine abuse...
in Tell your story
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I can relate to all that. I gained 45 pounds after quitting which was so bad because I was six foot 3 and only weighed 155. I was so sick. I looked near death. I'm now 200 and healthy. I've messed around on dating apps here and there too. Music is a big part of my life. I play guitar and drums and sing and while I was using I was set on being a famous musician but that obviously didn't pan out. I still play guitar and sing and a lot of times I have no desire or motivation to do it but I make myself because music seems to have some magical effect once I start I usually feel better. I love just listening to music too. Since quitting I've binge watched a lot of tv, spend a lot of time on social media, and occasionally go out. I've recently started to really enjoy going out on the weekend for some drinks and meeting people. Being outside really helps too. Going for a walk in nature or just sitting outside and listening to the birds and what not helps. I spend a lot of off days just sitting around too but I try not to be too hard on myself. Having that huge expectation that you have to get this and that done can really weigh you down and cause you grief. You have to be kind to yourself and realize that all you can do is all you can do. If you need to just lay around that's okay just do what you can.