Socially awkward

@DrewK15 yes, you are absolutely right. I’m trying to do this at the moment, exploring new hobbies or activities I might enjoy. I hope I will still enjoy working out at the gym without Dex and that this activity hasn’t totally been ruined for me. Maybe I’ll have to take up a new sport instead? I’m also reading up about healthy eating and nutrition that everyone recommends on here. I’m finding this recent change in my diet is really helping me to feel more positive about life in general. I never ate on Dex but when I did, it was always heavily processed junk food.

@sleepystupid yes! I agree with you 100%. I never had time for anything, I was always so busy being productive and I’d literally rip someone’s head of if they dared interrupt me from my important work (which no longer seems so important now) Im not even 3 weeks clean yet and I already feel I have so much time on my hands it’s driving me insane. I’ve also aquired tendinitis in my ankle which means I can’t exercise or be as active as I’d like to be. I complained to my dad about my poor foot and he laughed and simply said it’s natures way of forcing me to slow down before I give myself a heart attack. He thinks it’s a blessing that I may now be forced to find calmness and stillness in my life. I’ve rarely known the old man to be wrong but I’m still finding everything to be quite frustrating at the moment.

@Kiki I wish I had some tips/advice. I’ve had to take 5weeks off work to recover. I made up some lame excuse to get the time off and I have actually flown to Indonesia (currently here now) to the one country where I know this drug is illegal. It might sound a bit extreme but I felt having an absolute lack of access to this drug is the only way I know I can get clean. im also scared about returning to work and even contemplating quitting my job indefinitely. I just dont feel I can work as fast or efficiently without my drugs. We work anywhere for 12-18hrs shifts and we often don’t eat anything. Im also economical with the amount of water I consume To avoid toilet trips as it’s not possible to walk away and leave a patient unattended on life support. I feel half the reason I abused Dexamphetamine for so long was to ward off hunger and work these stupid hrs without needing to sleep. Some of the staff practice intermittent fasting as opposed to taking stimulants but I can’t seem to last that long without food. Sadly, Dex in addition to Ritalin are heavily abused amongst many of us in the workplace. However, I’d rather give up my job than continue to abuse amphetamines until it eventually costs me my life! If I find something that does work/help I’ll post back and let you know. I’m wondering if sleep might be the key to surviving this lifestyle? I’d often not sleep for days at a time and lucky to average 2 hrs a night max.

@DrewK15 don’t worry about what others think. You will find the majority of yogis are kind, good natured people and wouldn’t make fun of someone starting out for the first time. Infact, they are likely to offer words of encouragement. Maybe chat to the teachers and join a beginners vinyasa class as opposed to starting out with advanced power yoga until you feel you are ready. You’ll also find that most people are focussed on their own journey on the mat and completely unaware of what others are doing anyways. I relate to how you are feeling, I’m 38 in a few months and most of my friends are married, have kids and have moved on. I feel most would judge me if I opened up to them about my addiction. The 2 I confided in have already cut me off. Another idea I’m thinking of is joining some meet up groups or volunteering with some animal charities. I’m not sure if that is something you might be able to do in your area?

@Frank B yep, totally nailed it.

I feel no one has taken my addiction seriously because I was abusing a legal substance. Putting in longer hrs at work, studying a post graduate degree and killing it at the gym means there is “no problem”. It wasn’t until I started “checking out of life” when I eventually became so unwell I could hardly function, that alarm bells started to ring and people started to ask “are you ok?”. Unfortunately I’ve come to associate everything in my life with Dexamphetamine. I fear I won’t be able to enjoy my work, training at the gym, study, visiting the same old places and people ever again without taking pills. I think this is where our problem lies. The real struggle is learning to find these things enjoyable again without Adderrall (or Dex in my case) in our system. I was addicted to weed many yrs ago. In comparison this was way easier to quit as weed made me check out of life. The only thing I’d learned to associate with my habit was countless hours listening to music and playing guitar. After quitting I wasn’t able to get back into my music as I no longer found it enjoyable without weed.

Your story reads like mine, only I don’t have a baby yet and I abused Lyrica instead of wine. As a nurse, I should have known better but I kept making dumb excuses. congrats on getting off adderall. You are going to be a way better mum and role model for your child then you ever could be on adderall. You will also be around a lot longer as a result of quitting and all this exercise and healthy eating!

Unfortunately there comes a point in time when we all discover that this addiction is no longer sustainable. Returning to adderrall will just make things worse. I know that you know that, however tempting taking adderrall may seem at the time. Recently I relapsed after a 2 month break and although the euphoria returned initially, within a fortnight I was taking an even higher dose than I had been before I’d quit, just to get out of bed. My depression over these past months has been crippling as I’d constantly Exceed my dose and have to experience AWS on a weekly basis. Don’t let this be you. Ive found some relief from the small life changes I’m starting to make. I have recently got into yoga and using free YouTube videos to practice at home. I’m also looking at learning Spanish with books from the library and have downloaded the meet up app in the hope of joining some clubs. Is there some hobbies or activities you think you might enjoy that could take your mind off these recent adderrall cravings and possibility change your outlook? I know it’s not an instant cure but it might help ease the suffering if you can pick up new interests that you don’t associate with Adderrall.

@Frank B that’s interesting to know. I was under the assumption that NA was for everyone, not only opioid addicts. I absolutely agree that there is a huge lack of support groups out there for us. I have been lucky to stumble across this forum, there isnt anything online or otherwise (that I could find) for Dexamphetamine or adderrall addicts in Australia and it appears resources are slim elsewhere in the world. Even the drs laugh at me in disbelief when I tell them this shit is addictive and soul destroying. My psychiatrist even suggested I just increase the dose If it is no longer achieving the desired effect. The pharmaceutical and medical industry is corrupt as all hell IMO and we are making them filthy rich. I wonder if/what we or others could do to raise awareness of this issue? I feel we need our own 12 step program dedicated to prescription stimulant addicts.

Well, I’ve made it to day 12. This anger and hostility has finally become a thing of the past and I actually feel somewhat “normal” for the first time in yrs! (And I like how normal feels I might say). I was also withdrawing from Lyrica which I abused heavily to come down from the Dex, which made that first week even more intolerable. I’ve since discovered that you are suppose to taper off Lyrica as it’s pretty similar to taking benzos. I even started to itch and pick at my skin during the come down phase and I felt dizzy and nauseas as all hell. A complete stranger even approached me at the airport and asked if I was ok as I looked so bad. Day 7 was the worst for me, I was honestly ready to throw myself off a cliff when I posted that last message. All I wanted to do was fly home to Sydney to my drugs and make it all go away. Anyways it seemed to get a whole lot worse just before it got better! Day 8 I woke up no longer feeling like a sociopath and I apologised to my Dad and brother. I explained to them that I was taking medication which was causing me to withdraw and become hostile and they were very forgiving. My 2 sisters still won’t speak to me from an incident that happened last yr when I was also withdrawing and became a complete psychopath, told them I wished them both dead amongst other things. Thank you for all of your support @sleepystupid @DrewK15. I feel positive I’m going to be successful in this attempt as I’ve realised that this addiction will cost me my life if I continue on this path. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve been scared I would die in the past 6 months and how I’ve managed to not sustain permanent damage is nothing short of a miracle! Xxx

I’m sorry you feel that way. Are there any NA groups in your area where you could join a 12 step program? At least the people there will understand what you are going through and it won’t cost money to join. I’m thinking of doing this myself when I get back home. I hope you feel better soon.

@William that’s pretty much summed up what my past 2 working yrs has been like I’ve certainly become for efficient and receive daily feedback on my commendable work performance, however, I no longer socialise and lack the ability to build relationships in the workplace. I hope I can regain what I’ve lost

It seems to be getting worse not better. I’m only 7 days in and already 2 immediate family members have told me they don’t want to see me ever again. If I wasn’t over the other side of the country right now I think I would have already weakened and obtained another script. I have just been in the angriest mood.

I’ve found L-tyrosine to have helped me somewhat with the severe mood swings I’m experiencing. Wondering if there is anything else I could add that may target this specific side effect ? I’m trying to avoid appearing like a complete sociopath to everyone and anyone I may encounter in the upcoming days, weeks, months it takes for me to fully recover. I feel this symptom is one of the main reasons I constantly relapse during each quit attempt.

For me this has absolutely been the worst side effect of withdrawal! I hope it passes quickly. I can’t belive how much of a horrible person I’ve become.

I’m really hating the person I become when I don’t take Dexamphetamine. I can’t describe the lack of empathy and absolute anger and hatered I feel towards everything and everybody. This is the opposite of who I am when I’m using. I am spending a week interstate with family next week and I’m worried I’m going to say hurtful things to the very few people I have left who still care about me. I’m so anxious about this as I can’t seem to control the poison that flys out of my mouth at times. I can’t remember the person I was prior to becoming addicted to my adhd meds. I think I was also hurting and angry with the world back then but nowhere near as bad as I’ve become now. This side of me really disgusts me. Can anyone relate or offer any advice that might prevent me from acting this way? Thanks so much. I’m starting to feel I’m never going to be over this and losing hope a little.

@BK99 keep going online and re-reading your old posts if you ever feel you are missing adderall. Also read some of the earlier posts from the veterans on this site to compare how crap their lives were back then as opposed to what they have going on for them now post Adderall. One of the reasons for my frequent posts is not only to give and receive support from others but also to serve as an online journal for myself as a tool in my early quitting phase. When I think I might be missing my Dexamphetamine, Reading over my old posts can act as a reminder of how low I felt prior to quitting and why I decided to quit. good on you for making it to 83 days! I’m envious of your achievement! I bet you can go another 83 days, and then another

@DrewK15 thanks for the encouragement! I’m so glad I found this forum, it’s helped the get me motivated to quit which is what I’ve been needing to do from day 1 really. I’ve forgotten what the euphoria felt like now. Even the stupid dose I take to work barely cuts it. I still feel sleepy and sluggish on 60mg and increasing this only causes insomnia and nausea. I don’t think I’ll ever feel euphoria from dexamphetamine again. To be honest, I glad. I want these next 3 weeks leading up to my quit date to be as awful as possible so I never, ever want to go back to taking this shit again!

@quit-once @SeanW @BK99 I’m hearing you!These are the doses I’m needing just to get through work and then spending my days off withdrawing in a world of hurt, feeling like death, convinced I’m about to suffer a heart attack or stroke. I even feel sick at work now due to tapering my dose (which is still stupidly/dangerously high). I cant wait for my 5 weeks leave so I can get off this shit! It’s going to be hell.

The worst thing about Dexamphetamine/ adderall for me was reaching that point where it no longer did anything but still needing to take ridiculous doses in order to feel “ normal”. I wonder if this is the same for every drug, whether heroin/ meth addicts reach a point where they can no longer get high but keep taking the drug for the sole purpose of avoiding withdrawals?

Sounds like you have already made some great progress 1. You have recognised at 22yo that you have issues around addiction. Having this self awareness may make you less inclined to attempt other behaviours/ substances in the future as you are aware of the consequences. Unfortunately I didn’t recognise this until I was 36 and have made some pretty stupid decisions that I wished I’d learned earlier on. 2. You have taken a huge leap and flushed those pills! That takes real strength and courage which a lot of people lack. 3. You have already quit weed/ adderall in the past which only goes to prove that you can do this again! 4. Relapse doesn’t = failure. Most of the legends on this forum who have remained clean for yrs, experienced relapses whilst in the early stages of quitting. Re: weed, do you find Adderall induced insomnia to be one of your main reasons for smoking weed? You may find you don’t really need it once you stop Adderall.

I also agree with the cardio theory as the others have suggested above. I noticed over the course of 1yr, during which I engaged in regular cardio sessions 6 times a week, my resting HR went from an average of 70BPM down to 50-60BPM, often dropping into the low 40s whilst sleeping- (pre Adderall days.) I noticed once I started using amphetamines, my resting pulse would sit anywhere between 90-110BPM. What is odd, is that after the first yr or so, despite increasing my dose constantly, I found my HR seemed to stabilise to a rate of 65-80BPM regardless to the amount of amphetamines consumed or whether I was having days off. Did anyone else notice that after a period of use (abuse) Adderall did not appear to illicit any impact on HR? I’m a little concerned about this and hoping I haven’t done some form of permanent damage. It’s probably not a good thing that my cardiovascular system has somehow compensated for this.

This is so inspirational to read. Stories like this help me to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually we all have to face up to our issues I managed to escape for 2 yrs but now it’s all caught up with me and I’m having to deal with it and it’s not much fun! I’m glad to hear things are going well for you and your overall well-being has improved tremendously. Thanks for all the advice and encouragement you have given to me and others online. It has really helped to keep me motivated in my efforts to wean myself off amphetamines, which I’m finding really tough.

@flywithme good on you for quitting. I know how hard it is, I’m in the process of tapering down and quitting myself. take a look at the supplements thread as there is some pretty useful information on here. I know it is not a good idea to replace Adderall with something else but I am finding small amounts of L-tyrosine, which you can find at a health food/vitamin store has really helped me with the anger and mood swings I experience when I don’t take Adderall. I used to be so horrible to people when I was withdrawing but I notice I don’t seem to behave like this anymore. I am not sure what helps with low energy. From what others on this forum have recommended, they say it is not good to replace Adderall with another stimulant like caffeine etc. The staff in the healthfood store told me to try L acetyl carnitine powder for energy as I did not want to use a pre-work out supplement that was stimulant based. I tried a small amount today before gym and it seemed to help (although this could also be a placebo effect).

@AbsentMinded I believe you are right, I always feel awful for the first day after I crash but the symptoms have certainly become a lot milder now that I’m only using at work and have cut back on the amount of overtime I have been putting in. I’ve kinda needed to for the sake of my wellbeing although they are not happy I am only working my regular full time hrs at the moment. I’m feeling optimistic that when I return from my break I’ll be able to function without it. I no longer get any real benefit other than it just it just stops the acute withdrawals from happening whilst I’m at work. Without it I feel tired, scattered and very withdrawn. The L tyrosine does seem to be helping though. I never thought of bringing L tyrosine to work with me, I think I might give it a try.