Socially awkward

The trigger for me is just waking up every morning in need of a good hit to recover from all the anti-histamines and Pregabalin I needed to pop in order to fall asleep. This morning however I woke up and the thought of tasting those chemicals in my mouth all day is making my stomach churn and I actually feel I might be sick if I take anymore pills. I have decided to have a coffee instead. i also used to think I had a hot ass body on pills. Oddly enough, no one is interested in me and I’ve been single this entire time. Probably because I’ve become so awkward and socially retarded to the point of not being able to hold a conversation or even give eye contact. No one cares about your 6 pack if you can’t hold a decent conversation or act like a normal human being. Im sure that taking these pills probably speeds up your metabolism and your body has had to compensate somehow so expect to get fatter than you were before you even discovered this med. Is it really worth dying at a young age from a heart attack in order to have abs? I think my family would rather have me alive and a little fat.

I guess I just need to forget this relapse and get back to this 2 months of soberity. I’m lucky in my 3 weeks nothing bad has happened and I haven’t publicly humiliated myself yet. I don’t want to progress back to the stage whereby I am so anxious I can’t look people in the eye or talk to my work colleges. At my last job people could sense my awkwardness and it made them feel uncomfortable so they avoided me like the plague. I have the chance to start over again so I don’t want to f*** it up this time. i can relate to unhealthy habits. I used to think I was so good for living at the gym 24/7 until staff at the gym started approaching me saying they were worried as I seemed to be overdoing it and pushing myself too hard. They suggested I was addicted to exercise and should cut back my hrs. I ended up joining 2 more gyms and going to all 3 so I could hide the number of hrs I was training at the one place. I’d spend a few hrs then go on to the next and the next etc. that’s is probably just as bad as popping pills really. I’ve stopped doing this now in the past 3 months. Over-exercising has probably damaged my cardiovascular system and metabolism also. Plus I’ve started taking antihistamines and Pregabalin to fall asleep at night which is probably messing me up in more ways then one. ive skipped the pills with my morning coffee today, here’s to day 1

I am just curious to know if anyone has managed to be successful in staying sober long term despite failing numerous times quitting in the past? I have tried a several times and I only last 3 days max. I have only been addicted for 2 yrs and got hooked pretty much on day 1. I have had 2 attempts in my first yr where I lasted 2 weeks as I went overseas but craved it massively and relapsed as soon as I arrived home (mind you I was not as desperate to quit then as I am now). I went almost 2 months recently but now I have been taking it again for 3 weeks (as I was getting fat) and have successfully lost all the weight in addition to getting myself severly addicted all over again. I would happily go back to being fat In exchange for being an addict but now I have to wait until I can have time off work so I can detox all over again. I have read that this drug is not physically addictive at all but I seem to get bad dizzy spells for the first few days where I need to by lying down all the time and my appetite drops to zero, I get chest pain which may be anxiety related but not sure? It seems to go away after a couple of weeks as does the nausea. My appetite is never a good which is strange as speed is supposed to surpress your appetite. My only explanation is the fact I am active on dexamphetamines but become a huge sloth when I don’t take it and therefore probably don’t require the calories. I managed to gain 7 pounds in less than 2 months despite never eating which is a lot considering I am only 120 pounds to begin with. I have always been 120 even before taking amphetamines so I find this quite strange? anyways, I want to know if it’s still possible for me to quit and if it’s normal to keep failing? And if anyone else failed 100s of times in the past but has managed to be successful finally.

Just curious also if you don’t mind sharing, how much were you taking when you were worried about dying? I have used 70mg Vyvanse and 65mg IR Dex today which is pretty low for me. My resting pulse rate is 75 on average. I remember it used to sit in the 120s in the early days on relatively small doses. I’m worried about the fact that my pulse is no longer affected that I may have caused some sort of long term damage?

Thanks so much for your replies. I think you guys are so amazing the fact that you managed to quit and stay sober. You sound like you went through tough times worse than I am experiencing which I find very inspirational and I honestly do not know how you found the willpower to not use again like I have gone and done. I wish I didn’t hate the person I become when I am not using amphetamines. I agree they helped me temporarily, maybe for the first couple of months but now when I don’t take them I function at a level even lower than my baseline was before I ever discovered Dexamphetamine existed. I cant quit my job, it’s the one thing in my life right now that keeps me going as I actually love what I do for work. I think I would become more depressed if I quit work in addition to Dexamphetamine at the same time. I know when I quit Dexamphetamine again my life is going to suck massively and I am probably going to be horrible to everyone and lack the intellectual capacity to perform even the most basic tasks. It will have to be soon though as my medication will run out again and my new psychiatrist has a pretty good idea I’m addicted and is unlikely to refill my script. My regular psychiatrist has lost his registration which is probably a blessing in disguise for me really as I can’t get unlimited Vyvanse and IR Dex anymore, so hopefully I won’t be able to feed my addiction to the extent of one day overdosing. I am surprised I have survived this long not sleeping yet still being able to function without becomeing psychotic. My luck will run out soon I am sure. I am going to have to try to sort some days off work until the worst has passed and start over again. Just wondering, how may times did you guys try to quit before succeeding? Thanks for your help

Congratulations on your 30 days! That’s so awesome! Traveling is a really great way to meet people. I’ve always had trouble making friends at home but seem to form really strong connections on my travels. Also lots of people find romance this way too. 28 is still young, you deserve some travel/ leisure time before returning to study or full time employment.

Hi, I have been lurking around this online forum for the past couple of months and thought it was time I contributed with my own story. I currently live in Australia where Adderall is not prescribed, however, I have managed to develop a nasty dependence to Dexamphetamine. All this started 2 yrs ago when I landed a new job that required a high degree of academic study, long shifts of 12hrs+ in addition to working both day and night (with the larger part being night work). At this time I was subjected to bullying from a couple of senior colleagues who lead me to believe I was stupid, with one of them suggesting I must have some form of ADD. Fast forward to a month later which saw me leaving the psychiatrists office with a pretty much unlimited supply of Dexamphetamine and a new diagnosis of ADHD. Anyways, the first time I took these pills, I felt on top of the world. My confidence soared, my work performance improved drastically to the point of becoming popular with my colleagues and having higher levels of responsibility assigned to me. Not only was I acing it at work, but I discovered when I took this drug to socialise, I became extremely likeable to the point of making loads of new friends with social events on most evenings as everyone seemed to demand my company. This was all despite my ridiculous working hrs (up to 70hrs some weeks) and postgraduate studies on the side. I discovered I only really needed to sleep 1 night out of every 3, I was super productive and all my problems were solved forever (unless the drug wore off and I became super depressed and irritable). Unfortunately, as the story goes, sadly, this effect did not last. I should have known this, but I refused to consider I could become addicted or one day build up a tolerance. That type of thing only happens to others! (Why do we always think we are somewhat special?) Roughly 6 months in, the cracks were well and truely starting to appear. I had lost my level of productivity at work where some days I would ace it and othertimes it was almost like I was a vegetable as I was no longer able to rely on 100% consistency from my Dex. People at work started noticing I was scattered and would ask if I was ok? Often I was unable to articulate myself or even string a senstance together when I hadn’t slept for 72hrs. I became so anxious and socially awkward around work colleagues that I stopped communicating, choosing to isolate myself instead. I was happier like this (or so I thought) that way I couldn’t be interrupted from my work. I would even become rude and hostile if a colleague interrupted me in an attempt to socialise and befriend me. Another thing that has happened over the course of these 2 yrs is that I have lost most of my friends, even my 2 closest friends I have known the majority of my life have stopped socialising and returning my calls. I have always made an effort to go to the gym at least 4 times a week, sadly about 6 months into my addiction, I discovered that on dex I could lift heavier weights and work out for the entire day, everyday and all day! I always had an excuse not to see friends as I did not want to miss a single hr of gym time, some days I even called sick to work so that I could exercise instead. I had a bad experience at the start of August which made me discover my problem has got out of hand. I had a huge binge on both alcohol (which I rarely drink) and Dex which made me vow never to touch the stuff again. I became super depressed to the point I actually wanted to die and have since started taking sertraline for depression and anxiety. Things started to improve mid October, I started a new job which was going fairly well and was starting to feel somewhat less depressed. The one thing that bothered me was the fatigue and rapid gain in weight as I didn’t seem motivated for the gym anymore. Surprisingly I was actually eating less, possibly due to inactivity? I don’t know what made me do this, but after realising that I was struggling to get into my trousers, I realised I really needed to exercise and get the weight off as I can’t afford a whole new wardrobe. I vowed never to take Dex at this new job however, on my days off it is probably ok to use a little bit just to help motivate me and stop my excessive lethargy. I decided I would just take a little bit of Dex to get me moving again, Guess you already know where this is heading... after not being able to sleep and staying up that night, I needed Dex to get me through work the next day. My work performance that day was superb with the Dex, so I figured taking it again the next day wouldn’t hurt either. Anyways, I’m now 3 weeks in and im am back on my ridiculous high doses again. I can’t afford the luxury of having time off work like I did at my last job, in order to detox. I tried a couple of days ago to avoid taking it at work and it was almost like I had brain damage. Luckily I wasn’t sacked as I was completely incapable of performing the most basic task. When I take days off I struggle to operate a toaster, mobile phone or even spell my middle name,. Anyways, the Dex has been going well except for last night I became a bit anxious and scattered around my new colleagues. I know I have to stop it again but I won’t be able to work in the withdrawal stage as I become such a horrible person, feel physically unwell and can’t think straight. I’m anxious about losing my job, although at the same time I don’t want this drug to consume my life anymore. Has anyone got any tips? sorry for the long essay, thanks for reading, feels better to share with someone as I’ve kept this a secret from everyone up until now.