Socially awkward

@komgordon I had a look at that reddit thread. Thanks for sharing. I’m not sure my stomach could keep down that many supplements. I am already taking 500mg Ltyrosine x 2 daily and 1 x ginkgo 120mg and the occasional multi vitamin which is already too much. I think I just need to stop popping pills all together and learn to deal with the consequences

I couldn’t agree more. It is all false. I recently looked back at my old FB posts from 4yrs ago back when I was traveling the world for 18months and it gives the impression I was “living the dream” when really it was the complete opposite. I was letting go of a lot of things emotionally and wasn’t in a good place mentally at all! I no longer post shit on there and only use FB messenger. I don’t quite get Instagram especially all the millennials posting pics of themselves in bikinis etc, it’s like look at me, look at me!!! Essentially I did the same in my travel pics (minus the bikini) when realistically no one really cares about what you are doing it’s all driven by ego and competition. It’s like everyone needs those “likes” just to know their peers approve, almost like status points in a way. Why do we care so much about what other people think of us?

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I have been using for 2 yrs and have recently began tapering over the past month or so with my quit day being March 6th. I am only using it for work and abstaining the rest of the time. I have 5 weeks off work from March 6 and will be overseas and won’t have access. this drug is also illegal where I am traveling. I am hoping by the time I return to work mid April I will be recovered enough to perform at my job and I would have forgotten that amphetamines even existed. i started noticing these memory issues a couple of yrs before I was prescribed amphetamines which was the reason I was diagnosed as having ADHD in the first place. I now believe this could have been an anxiety related cause and low IQ, not ADHD. Anyways I think my level of cognition has declined rapidly in the 2 yrs I’ve been using, especially over the past 6 months. I feel I am the most stupid towards the end of my 12 hr shift when the drug is wearing off and I really struggle to string a sentence together. It’s like I can’t remember anything that has happened over the past 2 yrs. i tried to go without my pills at work yesterday and lasted 2 hrs and it felt like I didn’t know how to do my job and I felt scared and anxious to speak to people so I ended up taking my pills. When I am meeting friends on my days off I feel like a zombie and I have trouble focusing on conversations etc. I feel tempted to cave in and use in these situations, but since speaking to my dr and having my prescription cutback I am stopped knowing if I do, I won’t have enough pills to get me through work. I checked out that link 8 stages of amphetamine abuse. I believe I am at stage 6 although I haven’t quite reached psychosis, the rest all rings true. To be honest, I’m probably not far off and I hope I can make it until the 6th of March before the psychosis does decide to show its ugly head. i don’t want to replace amphetamines with another substance but have found L tyrosine and ginkgo biloba supplements seem to be helping somewhat. I feel I am making progress as I starting to get out of bed and do things on my days off where as previously I wasn’t capable of doing anything. I just hope my brain hasn’t become permanently damaged to the extent of not being able to work or earn an income in the foreseeable future.

Hi, I am just wondering if any former (or current) Adderall abusers have ever experienced a rapid decrease in learning ability and memory including difficulting finding/remembering words during conversations? If so, how long did it take for your brain to recover? Or is this damage permanent? Some days I feel like I could have early onset dementia and have actually considered getting an MRI done.

@sleepystupid this sums up my experience in a nutshell! Wish I’d known back then

@Janna Banana, I can relate to your experience, am currently going through this myself at the moment. I’m extremely lucky in the sense that I managed to get 5 weeks leave in March and planning to detox completely. I’m regarded as a hard worker that goes above and beyond and I’m terrified I won’t be able to function at this level anymore. I’ve realised that decreased work performance is bound to happen anyways as if you continue to up the dose, eventually you become physically and mentally unwell and won’t be able to work at all. I’ve been using only slightly longer than you have (2 yrs )and this drug has really taken its physical toll in the past 6 months. Almost 2 months ago, I began tapering my dose at work and am no longer using on my days off. It hasn’t been easy and I still have a long way to go in order to get clean but I am starting to feel less dependent on the drug since I’ve cut back. I had to ask my psychiatrist to adjust my script so I can now only collect every 30 days as opposed to every 20 which is forcing me to ration my supply. My script expires in March so I will no longer be able to use after this. If you are unable to get time off work and worried about the acute withdrawals costing you your job, could you look at slowly cutting back the dose on work days and being strong willed and not using on days off? The general consensus seems to be that cold turkey is the best way to go but I know I wouldn’t have kept my job had I done this. I’m noticing on the days I don’t use, I am now actually able to get out of bed and do things and the withdrawals are becoming less and less. Initially I wasn’t able to get out of bed on my pill free daysKeep us posted on how your progress is going. I wish you the best and hope you can get some days off work to reset. X

Maybe a change of environment is what you need, I’m thinking down the same path for myself. The fact you lasted 18months shows you have pretty strong willpower! You will probably be more focussed now you won’t have any doubts as to whether Adderrall might be useful again in the future. I sound like the biggest hippocrit I know given I am still taking it myself and couldnt even last 2 months. I know it’s hard not drinking when you are surrounded by other people who are, have you thought about traveling or something just for the short term as a distraction to get your mind off it for awhile? Don’t give up, lots of people on here had relapses in the first few yrs and have managed to stay clean for 5yrs + now. Actually from what I’ve read, I think pretty much everyone had a relapse at one point but didn’t mean they were failures .

Well done for quitting and thank you for sharing. Your story is really inspirational as you demonstrated you could achieve a lot more after Adderall in terms of furthering your education, losing weight the healthy way, taking up new hobbies and generally being a better role model for your children. You know your time is up when you reach the stage of needing Adderall just to ward off the withdrawels yet you don’t actually get any other benefit anymore. How long were you off Adderall before you started working again? I also work a lot of 12hr day & night shifts as a nurse and way too much overtime. I’m scared to quit whilst im working as I’m so angry following each attempt that I upset everybody. I needed to read your story to see that it is possible to be successful, work long shifts, study plus raise a family without being a cheat and popping pills. Am trying to organise some leave so I can detox and start over again.

Thanks for your advice. I have literally spent the last 3 days asleep but did manage to do 1 yoga class. I am working my usually 0700 till 2000 hr shifts this whole week but I’m going to set little goals for myself at work even if it’s just going a full hr or 2 without my pills just to see how long I can last. They don’t offer any benefit to me anymore other than warding off the withdrawals anyway. I have also bought acetyl -L carnitine which I think might be helping my energy a little bit. I am still grumpy but not as bad as last time, just mainly tired and can’t stop eating junk foods like biscuits, chips and chocolate. Hopefully work won’t be too bad this week, am only working 5 shifts instead of 6 as cutting back to 60hrs pw from 72 now. Hopefully they will get more staff soon and I can cut back even more. I think I look even sicker than half the people I am looking after who are on life support . No job is worth risking your health and taking stimulants for I’m discovering even it means I have to find another field of work.

@hyper_criticalI used couch to 5k a few yrs ago and had great success eventually moving up to 10k. I think having a series of short term goals is what helps to keep us really motivated. I can’t wait to use this again once my cardiovascular system starts to recover. I also used to love planning all my meals, ensuring I was getting the right mix of protein, vitamins and minerals etc. unfortunately I work 60hr weeks at the moment which makes it difficult to prepare meals and consistently train everyday. I may have to look into other options in the new yr so I can get my life/work balance back on track. Are you still putting in 50hr weeks? The steamed office meals are a great idea, I agree that when it comes to diet and exercise it needs to be built up gradually. It took me a good 6 months or more before I could run 10k but eating well certainly helps with energy levels.

Really in need of some advice here big time. I am so irritable and angry during the acute phase that I am pretty sure I will lose my job if I don’t get a handle on my mood swings. Unfortunately I can’t get any time off for at least 3 months and don’t have parents/family I can move in with if worst comes to worst. I can’t keep living like this and waiting for annual leave so I can withdraw from dexamphetamines. I am actually worried this shit will kill me before then. I find my days off are spent in bed feeling awful as I refuse to allow myself to take them on my days off now (which is some mild improvement from using everyday I suppose ). I find my mood lasts like this for an entire month when I quit. I was lucky with quitting awhile back when I was in between jobs but don’t have the same luxury this time around. I spent a entire month in bed and was downright nasty to everyone, my flat mate even kicked me out for being such a bitch 24/7. Are there any herbs, vitamins I can take? I have bought L-tyrosine and starting taking a few days ago, am also taking a multivitamin and some extra magnesium. Wellbutrin isn’t prescribed here in oz (only as a smoking cessation aid under the brand name Zyban). I don’t really want to take anymore chemicals at the moment. I will keep reading the posts on here and see what others have suggested. Thanks for your help. Quitting really sucks. I can’t believe I was dumb enough to take Dex again all for the sake of fitting into my work trousers again :(.

It really sounds like the Adderall does not agree with him and seems to exacerbate his bipolar. Also the fact he is mixing it with pot and alcohol is likely making this a lot worse. you need to give yourself more time. It’s only been 5 months so it is pretty normal to be grieving but you will start healing and there will come a time that the pain will no longer be there and you will discover you have moved on. From what you have described, he sounds like a manipulative bully and unfortunately because you have allowed this behaviour for sometime, he doesn’t have respect for you and treats you poorly. you deserve far better than this. Also, had you become pregnant, it could have been very frightening for your future children to witness his outbursts which will likely get worse the longer the addiction continues. It’s more than likely the pot and Adderall have reduced his sperm count so he should be blaming himself and not you for the fact you didn’t get pregnant. please see it as a blessing that this emotional bully is out of your life and don’t let this affect your self esteem or self worth. Are there any clubs, activities or hobbies you can join to help keep your mind occupied and meet other fun non drug taking peeps? It will take time but even if it takes half a century (which it won’t) it is still far better than remaining in an abusive relationship.

@tiptoe for sharing your story, reading about your experience with your wife’s addiction has given me some more insight into my own behaviour. I feel part of the reason I’ve become isolated in the past 2 yrs is due to my horrible mood swings I inflict upon others when I am withdrawing from the drug. I used to think everyone else was to blame but I’ve come to realise it’s because of this stupid addiction that I can no longer sustain. Maybe pointing your wife in the direction of this forum might help if she is having doubts about Adderall as she is likely to relate her experience to others stories. Each story on here reads almost like my own experience and I am beginning to see how much worse things can get the longer I continue. This forum may help to reinforce any negative concerns your wife is having about Adderall and encourage her to give consideration to quitting. You really need to look after yourself too. I know it’s awful for your wife to be experiencing this endless trap of Adderall addiction but her irrational behaviour is making your life pretty damn awful too. You may need to consider whether it is worth continuing this way if she refuses to quit or walking away. You may get another chance of happiness independently or with another woman in the future. I think she needs to see that if her behaviour continues then you will leave the relationship and will not be part of her life unless she quits Adderall. I wish you and your wife good luck. I really feel for both of you in this situation.

@SeanWIt’s been pretty much the same for me, for the first 2 hrs I am clear headed, social, empathetic, outgoing and come across as someone of intelligence. When the drug starts to wear off it’s like my brain becomes scrambled and I can’t string a sentence together, I become so anxious about my inability to talk or think straight that can’t give eye contact to anyone and try to avoid any interaction

@DrewK15 it sounds like you have made good progress which gives me hope also. I really need to get out amongst others and stop isolating myself. I think this is hard in the early stages of withdrawal as I tend to feel angry and bitter towards everything. Not sure if it was the same for you? Towards the end of my 2 months I was starting to feel a little better but not great. I just hate that I have undone all my hard work again.

Prior to amphetamines I had some trouble with social anxiety but I was still able to communicate well and made friends at work (although less easily than most people) In the hedonistic stage, which lasted a good several months for me, I became popular and had no troubles communicating, was not anxious or awkward in anyway. Around the 6 month mark, I became anxious around other people and also very awkward where I mix up my words a lot and don’t finish my sentences. The nerves get to me and I just go blank. I also avoid eye contact and social conversations with work colleagues. I am like this both on and off my pills now. I’m not sure how long it takes after quitting before you start being able to socialise again. . @AbsentMinded @DrewK15 In the past 2 yrs I’ve pretty much isolated myself from all my friends and most of my family members also. I think this was because I became obsessed with working out and made excuses not to see anyone. I also became too hyper focussed at work and didn’t want to socialise. Have you guys found that you have become more social after quitting? Unfortunately I still can’t seem to socialise properly and make friends with others.

I think you are amazing for keeping your dose this low for all this time. I definitely 2nd the opinion of the others and say quit while you are ahead as things definitely get worse. It only took me a short while to realise this as I became stupid with my doses very early on. The general consensus from reading all the stories on this forum is that this benefit won’t last as you build a tolerance and the drug eventually becomes ineffective. I know Adderall has helped you to excel with your job as it did mine but there comes a time where it will no longer work and you either increase the dose or you just stop it all together. From the sounds of it you have already made the right decision! You sound super intelligent like you don’t need it anyway! You are inspiring me to stop using my pills at work as I keep using work as an excuse!

@SeanW I know many people feel the same way. I don’t think I’ve every been loved before yet I have been in love and somehow managed to move on even though it took me a lot longer than the average person. I think we make the mistake of believing that everything has to be forever and as we are constantly evolving and changing perhaps certain people are not supposed to be in our lives permanently ? I have held on to feelings for ex partners and reunited yrs later only to realise that the fantasy I had imagined was nothing like the reality. I only to regret clinging onto the hope of Reconciliation for so many yrs that I wasted other opportunities. You are certainly capable of loving others and equally as capable of being loved in return. I don’t believe we are destined to be with one person all our lives.

@EricP I’m not sure how long it takes to feel normal again. I felt that quitting recently for the 2 months wasn’t so bad, however now having used again for this past month I am really struggling, I have only managed to not take it on my days off (only for this past week) and I am super depressed and angry. I also find it isn’t working anymore yet still feel compelled to use it for some stupid unknown reason. Have you thought about maybe trying antidepressants for awhile until the worst of it has passed? I went on pristiq for 4 yrs and found it actually helped with focus as well as depression maybe as it is an SNRI as opposed to an SSRI? Of course only a Dr could advise you as I am no means an expert in pharmacology, just remember it helped me a lot with being able to cope with depression and I was also able to study at the time without needing a stimulant. I was by no means an A+ student but I managed to get by and finish assignments etc. I wish I’d just tried that again instead of amphetamines, I stopped taking it yrs ago as I felt I no longer needed it. A lot of people seem to suggest that things get a whole lot better after the 2 yr mark and you are half way there already! I wish I could make it to 1 yr too.

I was off for 2 months but relapsed again recently. I’m in the process of re-quitting all over again but finding I’m still needing to take it at work just to function. I find the worst part about quitting is I become so irritable and say the most awful things to people which is so different to the person I am normally. I’m hoping it won’t cost me my job but I’m realising this isn’t something I can sustain in the long run. how long were you taking Adderall for? From what I seen on this forum, it looks like it takes 2-3yrs for most people to get back to normal again. That’s really awesome that you have already been a whole yr off the pills. I’m hoping this will be me soon. If only we’d known what we were getting ourselves into at the start.

I couldn’t agree with you more! Especially the last bit about it being worse than heroin, coke and meth. The only difference is instead of giving $ to drug cartels we are feeding the pharmaceutical industry who are equally as corrupt IMO. i read all the glowing reviews on WebMD and RXlist of all the users who had just staring taking it. I’d have given a glowing 10 star review also back then but not anymore knowing what I know now.

All I can say is that when one door closes another one opens. I think a lot of us have been there before and know how much it hurts. Took me about 5yrs to move on from my ex, I hung on to the pain and obsession, which i guess is an addiction in itself really. He used to cheat on me too and I kept taking him back knowing I couldn’t trust him. It doesn’t matter whether it takes you one yr or 10 to meet someone, you will when the time is right and you don’t need someone to make you whole. What I’m realising is you need to love yourself first before you can really love someone and be loved in return. I find from my own experiences and hearing others is that if you don’t have self love then you tend to be treated badly as you can’t be respected when you don’t respect yourself. im new to this forum but your responses to my posts give me inspiration and hope when I felt at my lowest and ready to give up. Hang in there man, I know you can beat this!

My early warning signs started when I began using the drug not only for work but also for things like socialising, working out, even doing yoga can you believe! I used to enjoy all of these things before I started taking pills but sadly these days I find I no longer enjoy anything unless I have amphetamines in my system. I loved how productive I became as I no longer needed sleep and managed to complete a post grad degree at the same time as working full time plus overtime. Towards the end I needed them just to function at the baseline of what a normal/average person would function at without drugs. Now without them, I am only really capable of sleeping and eating. To anyone who might be considering it, I certainly wouldn’t recommend. It’s just not worth it.

Thanks for your support. I’m having the worst time with this. I am still having to take my pills at work in order to function to some degree but having cut back I still feel unmotivated and tired when I am there but trying not to let it show. I’m no longer using on my days off and all I do is sleep. I was supposed to go to my work Xmas party today and I slept for 16hrs solid and missed it. I feel bad as don’t want to appear antisocial but it’s probably a good thing as I am so angry and depressed I’d probably make a bad impression. I have had the past 3 days off work and haven’t used but haven’t left the house either. I know I should do some form of exercise but I can’t, I’m not even motivated enough to eat or watch TV. I am going to drag myself out of bed and do a yin yoga class tonight as it doesn’t require any energy and maybe get a massage. I am back at work tomorrow and not sure if I can get through my 12hr shift without taking this stupid drug.

I think that’s the one thing that worries me is the fact that if I don’t quit there is the strong possibility I might end up losing it also. I can remember one incident about 6 months into my use when I didn’t sleep for 4 days and started to hear a constant humming in my ears which I mistook for the radio. That scared me into quitting for 2 weeks. I haven’t had anything like this happen again although I have noticed I get horrendous mood swings on the days I don’t use and I say horrible things and it’s as though I hate everyone and everything. It worries me as I don’t like to upset people. Sometimes I use this as an excuse to use again which I know is pathetic really. Thank you for sharing your experiences