[fuck fuck fuck]

Today, i was looking at old pictures of myself (don't recommend this) my body was bangin, i had a social life, I had e n e r g y, damn i miss that. I feel so hopeless, i am beginning to wonder if this hopeless is more or less than the hopeless i felt while coming down in my cycle. at least there was an up.  I'm not having a good day. On top of that I found a fucking pill in my make up bag this morning. I literally haven't gotten out of my bed in a week. oh to take it and be able to feel alive again. I stared at it for an hour in my hand. Literally just stared at it. for an hour. Ended up flushing it in the end, bc having only one is pointless to take. I don't see how I am ever going to do this. My last pill was Nov. 11. Hoping its just a really really bad day. maybe I'll feel stronger tomorrow . doubt it. the only thing keeping me going, the only way I made it this far was telling myself to just not take any for 6 months as a tolerance break to see how I feel. I can't believe it takes longer than a YEAR to start feeling better again that is sooo discouraging. i took 20mg a day sometimes less. I made sure I ate and got sleep. Never binged. (ok ONCE i did at burning man but shhh) my life wasn't out of control on adderall, i just felt like a zombie. Now, i feel like a depressed zombie. I miss adderallll soooo muchhhhhhhhhh this isnt good  

[just ranting sorry]

Have any of you ever met someone that actually took adderall without consequences? It's mind blowing to me how many of us are on this site going through the same thing with this hell of a drug not to mention the people out there who don't know about this site and are struggling with it. how is this shit legal?how do parents prescribe it to KIDS??? I feel like everyone is just super uneducated about this drug. I told my mom about my struggle with it and she has been urging me to GO BACK ON IT because of my "downer attitude" behavior during recovery (10 days away from 3 months clean) My mom truly doesnt believe that there is anything wrong with adderall because a doctor prescribed it to me. its legalized meth but whatever. Im just annoyed how easy it is to get and its perfectly legal and it destroys lives. If i have kids... i am going to make sure they know the dangers of this drug that is soooooo widely used so casually by everyone it seems. anyway rant over

[Day 2 Clean]

Honestly i was lucky enough to take a month off of work. but from what ive read from others on here, do the bare minimum at work. don't except yourself to perform the same as you did on adderall in early recovery. I am coming up on 3 months sober and I still want it almost everyday, however, they are usually quick cravings and then they pass and I can usually have a normal adderall free day feeling good. im still waiting to feel great and back to my complete motivated self (i am a capricorn after all we are natural workaholics). Take it a day at a time. you will be bored, you will be unmotivated, you will be tired. but i promise you it does get better in time. what made sobriety stick for me was how awful my life was even when i relapsed. recovery is hard but its better than the dark roller coaster i was on when i took it so i got to the point where it didnt matter how awful the days were without adderall, sticking it out is my only hope to getting my life back.

[Day 2 Clean]

For me the first week was the absolute worst. I have bad days now and its still really really hard but those first 5 days clean for me I was literally helpless. I could not do anything. I was also so so so bored, and everything seemed like it was too much. It does get better. but you just have to surrender to it the first week and just do everything you can to not take it.  If you do absolutely nothing but not take adderall that day... well youve had a great productive day. go easy on yourself, you can do it.

[almost 9 weeks clean- drowning in depression]

@kayblacks

 wow! i feel the exact same way. signs from the universe are real and should not be ignored. I still am seeing 11:11 and 1:11 almost every day since quitting. crazy how those signs are just enough to convince me to stay sober when the cravings are calling. so good to have someone also get this!

glad to hear wellbutrin is helping a little for you.. that is probably in my future as well.

[Name something you have done recently without adderall :)]

Hey all-

So today.. i almost relapsed. my trigger was how messy i let my apartment get. I had to unpack my bag from CHRISTMAS and put away a ton of clothes and do the dishes. Literally wanted to die I had no energy or motivation to do it. I thought wow 10 mg of addy just 10 mg and I can clean all this! I even wrote out a message to someone who I used to buy from. didnt send it thank god! I somehow talked myself out of that and told myself to just fucking clean it. After 10 minutes of cleaning I realized it wasnt as hard as I was working myself up over. I finished everything in about an hour and a half. crazy how i let it sit there for days thinking i was incapable of doing it without adderall LOL. I felt silly for being proud of myself for doing the simplest of things, but honestly I am proud of doing those chores sober. Now, I think ill be able to do them again sober!

 what have you done today or recently that you are proud of yourself for doing without adderall? 

[Addicted Artist Looking For Help]

From what I have read it is completely normal to feel a disinterest in life and in work. You say you have only been taking it for 3 months? If you just do the bare minimum at work for now, it is going to be hard and frustrating but your natural energy and motivation WILL come back! I was using for 4 years, and i would have made my life a million times easier if i would have realized at three months that I was addicted. flush your pills. You can do this. Good luck! 

[almost 9 weeks clean- drowning in depression]

Hi. 

I can't sleep because I drank an iced coffee at 8pm so I'd thought I would give a little update. I am coming up on 9 weeks clean and I'm feeling a mix of things. My biggest battle is depression. I have never suffered from this heavy of depression before taking adderall, but now i am completely drowning in it. thankful for this site because I know I am not alone in feeling this. It is so crazy because we have only one body, but now its like two people in my head at war. the hopeful sober me and the addict me. I had a ton of laundry today and still haven't unpacked from a trip because i literally cant get out of bed most days. my addict mind is arguing with my sober mind saying how easy it would be to just find a few and take some. the sober me is getting better at winning this war or else id never make it to 9 weeks. Being able to recognize this voice in my head as the addict and not having my best intentions at heart helps. its a though battle to win everyday because while i'm hopeful I fucking miss it. I miss enjoying cleaning, and having my space clean, I miss being able to get out of bed, I miss having energy to do the things i love, I hate this feeling of social withdrawal and of ZERO motivation. fuck this is hard you guys!!!!!! i wish i could hug all of you. I am staying strong and hopeful that my depression lightens soon. It really has too. 

Side note: since quitting I have been more connected to my body. My intuition feels stronger and I feel more clear headed making decisions. also the racing of the mind has been tremendously better. Lastly, kind of a weird thing, right at the beginning i asked the universe for a sign that this is what I had to do and I was making the right decision in quitting, sure enough I started looking at the clock at 11:11 almost every single day since quitting. sometimes twice a day. I like to believe that this was my sign for me that I am on the right track and not to give up. 

sending love to all 

xx

[feeling hopeful]

Hi everyone!

Hope you all had a great holiday and sending extra love to all during this time. It was my first christmas sober and it was nice not being tweaked out, but it was also difficult to make it through all the socializing. If you read my last post you know i have been suffering from major social anxiety and social withdrawal since quitting. I basically do absolutely nothing but watch netflix and read, but being home for the holidays its been nice to be around civilization again. I even was forced to go to this bar with all of my cousins and i almost had a panic attack on the way there. I was seriously dreading it, but ended up having fun once i was there.  My cousins boyfriend even said to me that I seemed happier than usual, so I'm glad that I am starting to feel and act like less of a robot. That step of going out and socializing without adderall was a big one for me, but now that I was forced out, it wasnt as bad as my addict mind was trying to make it. this no adderall thing is fucking TOUGH, but I'm starting to think I can actually like life without it and thats something. 

[7 weeks clean- so bored]

@Tom23Jones  I want to try to go anyway it is just hard because on adderall it was so much easier for me to socialize and I feel like im still in the beginning stages of learning how to not be on it that the thought of socializing without it is honestly terrifying. I don't have any lying around and I cut off my doctor however my roommate is still percribed and I live in LA it is not hard to find a few. I know it is not an option for me anymore, i just miss being confident in social settings and this sudden social anxiety is taking over my life. I know time will help alot and I will try hard to push myself out there anyway. There is a christmas party tonight and I am going to try and go for at least one hour! 

[7 weeks clean- so bored]

@sleepystupid   Thank you for your response! I took your advice and reached out to a friend to go to the movies soon. Probably much easier than going to a busy birthday dinner with people I dont know. Thankfully my friend whos birthday it was knows I am trying to stay sober so she understood! Very thankful for this forum because other wise I probably would have just said fuck it tonight. 

[7 weeks clean- so bored]

Hi all-

I have tried to quit a handful of times before but it has never stuck. I am now 7 weeks clean my longest to date and I am actually feeling hopeful this time. The depression sucks, but from reading all your posts I know this is normal. I cancel all the plans I make and just hibernate in my room watching netflix and reading. I am beyond bored but do not have any energy to do anything. I have read 6 books. SIX in these last 7 weeks. I am starting to fear that I will never be able to have a social life again without adderall  I dont even know who that person is. Its like learning everything from scratch like a toddler again. Im supposed to go to my friends birthday dinner tonight, but i am having major anxiety about it and feel triggered into just taking 10 mg to get through the dinner and be able to get ready and feel social. but I am dong so good that I just want to hibernate and cancel AGAIN i just feel bad for missing her birthday. Any success stories about having an actual social life again after quitting? how long should i wait before trying anti depressents for this fog? anyway thank you hope you all well