[18 months clear at the end of June]

You could try a low dose of wellbutrin, like 50 mgs. That's worked for me in the past, 100 mg sr pill cut in half once a day. And there are plenty of us long timers who are doing fine. I'm not in a dark tunnel.

[12 Miles a Week Runners Club - NEW]

I've been doing some Jillian Michael workout videos I found on Amazon Prime. Holy crap they're hard. I like them because they're fast paced and they literally work your whole body. I'm going to do them more often this summer since we can't be outside during the day in Phoenix during these months.

[Permanent Brain/Other Damage?]

When you take a lot, u get wired. It's like trying to talk to someone with 10 cups of coffee in you.

I experienced that even at a low dose. I couldn't speak fluidly and I always questioned if what I was saying was appropriate to the conversation .

[18 months clear at the end of June]

Also, do you have a friend you can talk to about some of your thoughts and feelings? My husband is really good at putting things into perspective for me when I'm feeling hopeless. For example, today I bought tickets to a wine festival, tickets I've been meaning to buy for a couple weeks now. As I'm purchasing these tickets on the website, I see that if I had bought them before today, I would have gotten a free bottle of wine with each ticket. I was so pissed because if I had bought them last night like I was going to do, I would have got the free wine. I was so mad at myself and literally cried and berated myself for like, 30 minutes about it (so I may be PMS-ing right now too). When I told my husband about this horrible fiasco, he laughed and said "Well, if it was free it was probably their shittiest bottle of wine. Congratulations, you lost out on $5." Just like that he can have me laughing at how retarded and dramatic I sound. Sometimes depression/anxiety can be set off by something trivial and spiral out of control because your perception is warped. If you have someone like that who can immediately ground you, it can be a huge help!

[18 months clear at the end of June]

I don't think you'll find anyone here advocating for you going back on speed, but I'm sure the psychiatrist will, because that's their job. Amphetamines have diminishing returns over time - it's that simple. I'm 2 1/2 years off and I'm still not where I want to be, but I know I'm better than I was a year ago, and that's what I measure my success by. The progress of others has nothing to do with me. In some ways (physiologically) it's still a waiting game, but in other ways it involves creative solutions on my part. I have to create my own happiness through my daily choices and experiences while also finding meaning in the struggles. This takes work. Therapy and meditation and reflecting on your mistakes and choices isn't meant to be fun. It's learning about yourself to improve and make better choices in the future. Self reflection isn't found in a pill. Do you want to learn to live without stimulants or do you want to escape? Adderall is an escape from yourself. 

 

There's a great blog called The Last Psychiatrist. It's a psychiatrist who writes about all kinds of topics. There's a good quote that I went through the archives and searched for because I thought it was apropos to this:

 

"Medications do not cure a psychiatric disease; we’re not even sure what the disease actually is.   What they can do is reduce symptoms, give you strength—so that you can learn new behaviors.  That’s the point of medications.  Treating depression with an antidepressant is not the solution; it’s the preliminary step in allowing you to figure out how to handle depression later on.  The adaptation, the adjustment, the physical altering of brain functioning is done by new learning, often this is therapy (though it doesn’t have to be.)  I’m not saying therapy is that great, or necessary, either.  I’m simply saying that trying to improve a person’s long term status using medications alone without some sort of education and training is a waste of time.  It is maybe the most profound disservice of all to tell a patient that their depressive or bipolar symptoms are the result of biology or chemical imbalances and thus absolve them of the responsibility of learning new ways of interpreting and coping with their lives."

[going back to the gym]

Just focus on finding a job as fast as possible. The boredom and lack of structure is what's causing your anxiety. If you're busy working you don't have as much time to ruminate and get depressed, depression being a self absorbed state. The longer you're sober the easier it gets to tell your mind to shut the hell up, but I felt this way when I was looking for a job at 18 months sober too. Working out is always a plus.

[One Word Status Update]

Then I hope that my statement came across for what it was; that for profit universities tend to have a bad rep but I don't know if it is deserved or not.  I think that it is probably a case where there are a few good ones but the bad ones give the entire industry a black eye.

The two I've worked for are good ones - they're not the bad apples. To be honest, curriculum are pretty standardized across accredited schools, so a science class, for example, at a for profit school vs. non profit is likely to be the same. Also, almost all college faculty are adjuncts now, so they teach across all the schools - for profits, community colleges, ivy leagues, etc. Every adjunct I've met at my current school also teaches at a state school or community college to supplement their income.

[One Word Status Update]

We'll see how the test went when the results get mailed out next week. I really want to do well on the first three tests in this class so I don't have to take the final. My microeconomics class is officially half done; this week's and next week's quizzes are supposed to be the worst because they cover 3 chapters of information instead of two. It's a lot of information to cram into 5 weeks vs. the usual 16. I'm glad that my other three classes are on a more relaxed 8 week schedule. I don't think that I would survive 4 classes in 5 weeks. I know it sounds like I might be going to a "for profit" school with these tight schedules but rest easily, I am attending a community college until the end of this year and then I am going to a state college. One of my friends is going to a very popular "for profit" university and I cringe when we discuss school because of the school's reputation (warranted or unwarranted). On a high note, I submitted my graduation application today which was a big step for me.

Lol I work at a for profit university.

[New job]

I really hear you on the whole thing about feeling grateful for where we are. We were adderall addicts and now we are gaining confidence after taking it easy on ourselves and it is now paying off.

For everyone reading this, and just quitting, I've learned that taking it really easy on yourself is laying down a foundation for a stable future. Being hard on yourself after you quit is like setting up your house to right away come crumbling down.

I'm glad you both like your jobs. I totally agree that going easy on yourself is the key to a long term quitter. For at least the first year all I did was go to work, do the bare minimum, watch tv and go to bed at 9pm every night. That's it. When i read people posting things like "I want to quit but I need to maintain my current level of work performance/cleaning ability/study prowess etc." I always think, ok, never seeing that person again.

[Adrenaline]

Do you eventually plan to give up the black tea too?

I have rarely experienced the negative side of consuming caffeine, unless I consume it in the evening and have insomnia.

I have experienced caffeine withdrawal while cleansing.  Throbbing frontal headache and generally feel like crap for a day or two.  Let me know if you make it the full 60 days, as recommended in the book.  I have yet to figure out why the consumption of coffee and tea is a major sin in the Mormon church.  It is right up there with smoking and drinking alcohol and it will keep an otherwise devout Mormon from certain religious activities in their temples.

Red Bull Rocks!

Maybe. With tea I don't feel the stimulant effects like coffee so it's not a big deal to me. I already feel a lot more alert in the mornings. I used to be dragging ass until I had coffee. I also used to take Exedrin every time I had a headache, which added to my caffeine consumption. Caffeine constricts your blood vessels. When you stop using it your blood vessels expand and more oxygen flows to your brain, and that's why you get a throbbing headache when you stop drinking coffee.

[Adrenaline]

What are the purported benefits of quitting caffeine?

I have always viewed it as a relatively "harmless" addiction, whose benefits outweigh the costs.

Does the book "Caffeine Blues" rely on science?

I wanted to quit because I couldn't get through the day without coffee. I didn't want to be dependent on a substance like that. I would get a headache from coffee withdrawal. I switched to a cup of black tea in the morning (about 50 mg caffeine), and now I can have a cup of coffee on the weekend without a withdrawal headache, and I feel the 'high' of coffee way more. Less anxiety, more calm, lower blood pressure are some of the benefits. The book is science based.

[The Life Cycle of Quitting Adderall]

Work was my one and only trigger too. It took a long time to get over, definitely more than a year. It just takes a lot of time to stop associating work with Adderall, but that connection does die eventually. After I quit, I stayed at my job for 18 months before I felt ready to move on. I was excited to quit because it felt like a big step in my recovery and I didn't want to still be at a job I associated with Adderall. I started a new job Adderall free, and then another one, and now I I'm completely over it.

 

So, just start a new job sober. If you suck at it, then you suck at it and you find something else. I sucked at my first post Adderall job so I quickly found another one. It's humbling to admit something isn't for you rather than force it with performance enhancing drugs. What also helps is to stop thinking that work is super important. It's just a job. It's not your life. On Adderall working was my life and I was so arrogant and self-important. But, unless you're a doctor or fireman or something, your job probably only exists to make someone else money. Big whoop. Most jobs (except the ones vital to society's function) are BS. If you adopt this mindset, you can be free to go to work without feeling forced to like it. You don't need to have som deep passion for your day job. It would be nice, but it's not reality for most and frankly, it's elitist to think that way. Best thing to do is get used to working boring jobs without Adderall and do fun things in your spare time and on the weekends. Plan some fun trips and other outings. Play sports or work on some home projects in your spare time. The Adderall connection will weaken over time. 

[Why adderall and work don't mix]

1. Spending an hour writing an email.

2. Overconsuming information and no ability to filter that information.

3. Unable to prioritize.

4. No intuition.

5. Confusing effort with getting useful things done.

[Learning new things]

Learning new things has been one of my biggest post adderall hang ups. It got a lot better after 2 years so you should find this annoyance subsiding over time

[I need help]

Who's she?

[Adrenaline]

Agh. I just wrote a long response to this and accidentally deleted!!! Anyway I just wanted to say CONGRATZ Cassie I remember u developed a bad caffeine habit similar to the smoking adderall connection when u were on vyvance. Quitting caffeine must be a challenge but after quitting stims this will be a cakewalk.

It is so hard to quit caffeine but luckily it's only physical withdrawal. There's no compulsive coffee seeking behavior lol. I read in this book Caffeine Blues that you need to be caffeine free for 60 days to see the full benefits, so I'll let you know how I feel in 2 months.

[I need help]

Today is day 28. I definitely felt a huge drag from about day 20 to now. I'm not sure though if this is what normal feels like (normal for a father of a 2 month old who still doesn't sleep longer than 4 hours at a time). I broke and called my doc for another script. It's waiting for me but I still haven't gone to pick it up. 

Rereading my last entry is kind of depressing. I know I am not as upbeat now as I was then. I'm still working out, still trying to stay active, but I'm noticing a lack of motivation, creativity, and desire. I've been drinking energy drinks like nobody's business. The caffeine overload does more harm than anything else. I don't really feel awake, just very anxious and wound up. 

Ugh. I know I spoke too soon the last time. I keep telling myself one day at a time. I also tell myself that I will get over this hump. I'm tempted to go pick up the script and just shred it. That way I would be forced to take the next two months off. I just know that I won't be strong enough to do it. 

I'm open to advice. I'm still on my supplements. Thanks for reading. I hope that the next post I make won't be me starting my days without adderrall over again. 

The first month off adderall wasn't that bad for me at all. It was months 2-4 that were the worst. In the beginning you have the novelty of quitting and excitement of a life change to propel you through. After that wears off the motivation dips greatly. Feeling shitty is normal - it's the price you're paying for having been amped up for however long. Best advice I have is to distract yourself so time passes as quickly as possible (outings, tv, etc) and cut off your supply. You can't relapse if you don't have access to the drug. Also, realizing that this is going to be an extremely long and difficult process will help you keep your expectations in check.

[Adrenaline]

Actually, writing this makes me want to quit coffee!

 

One thing at a time......

Funny you wrote this - I just quit coffee 8 days ago after I realized I couldn't go a day without drinking it. I only had one 10 oz. cup a day but I if I missed it I would get headaches after a certain time. The first two days without coffee were okay, but days 3-5 I had the worst headaches and my sinuses felt like they were exploding. So I started drinking a cup of black tea to gradually cut out caffeine. After the horrible physical caffeine withdrawal I feel a lot better - calmer and able to think more clearly. I highly recommend it, but only to 'advanced' Adderall quitters. You have to be past the point where fatigue and lack of motivation are triggers for you in order to deal with the caffeine withdrawal.

[Help with Recovery!]

You'll feel better as time goes on. Nothing is permanent, that's nonsense. The brain is plastic and always changing and adapting. The power of habit is strong. You had a drug habit for a long time - now you're developing and repeating the habit of doing things normally. The more time you're sober, the less you will even remember what Adderall felt like. Try to keep yourself busy so you don't have time to think about how you're feeling all the time. Use coffee and/or Wellbutrin for focus. 

[16 Months and Still struggling]

I remember feeling pretty crappy around the 18 month mark. I actually went to a few Pills Anonymous meetings around that time. I feel much better a year later. I'm actually considering eliminating coffee from my diet because I feel really sensitive to caffeine now, even just one cup of coffee a day. When I drink a cup of coffee as late as noon I feel wired and anxious at night. On Adderall I could drink coffee all day and it was never enough, and when I quit I was basically immune to caffeine. So, I think you will get more sensitive to stimulants (in a negative way) as time goes on, and I agree with InRecovery that you will get more confident in your hatred of speed as time goes on too. At 16 months I was still romanticizing Adderall a lot. Now, I think of it as a pill that would make me feel wired and creepy, and give me a massive headache and muscle tension.

[If I take Phentermine, does that mean I relapse?]

You might want to read these articles by Cat Marnell, a writer who used to work for xojane.com. She's an adderall addict and she talks about how when she went off adderall she gained 30 pounds over 6 months. It's normal. 

 

http://www.xojane.com/beauty/thinnerrr-ritual-cleanse-made-me-drop-8-pounds-and-i-m-still-losing-weight

 

http://www.xojane.com/healthy/addiction-diaries-why-we-all-need-get-adderall

[If I take Phentermine, does that mean I relapse?]

Sorry you're struggling with weight. I'm with H-C in that I made it my goal to do whatever it took to get to one year sober, regardless of how I looked. It was difficult but once I reached that point I was a lot stronger mentally and physically. I knew I could always lose the weight later and that there is no quick fix for (sustained) weight loss. In fact, after long term use of stimulants many people reach a point where they begin to gain weight.

 

You've gained weight because you stopped taking speed - all of us have been there early in recovery. I don't understand the logic of the 'doctor' prescribing you another stimulant. If you gained weight because you stopped taking a stimulant, how will the same thing not happen when you take and then stop taking a similar stimulant? Sounds counterintuitive to me. I will say that people I've known that have dabbled in phentermine for weight loss have NEVER kept the weight off long term, because they never made lasting changes to their diet/lifestyle. And they acted like they were on Adderall when they took it too - speedy, chatty, agitated, etc. Your body is just going through a big adjustment being off speed and it may take some time for your metabolism to get back to normal. Patience and good eating habits are your best weapon, not drugs or starvation diets!

 

If you're going to take an antidepressant, Wellbutrin has stimulating, appetite suppressing properties. I've heard that Zoloft causes weight gain but there's no evidence that birth control pills cause weight gain. There are tons of evidence based studies on bc pills and none show any difference in weight between women on or off the pill. It's a relic of the past when the pills were different and had much more hormones. (When I worked at a nursing college I helped a lot of students do research on this topic, just FYI:) Did you ever gain weight on the pill before, when no other medications were present? Just wondering because it's really not a side effect of modern day birth control.

 

Anyway, I hope you decide not to take the phentermine because it is very similar to amphetamines and I wouldn't want it to set you back.

[One Word Status Update]

I've never seen the show, I googled it Toronto and Vancouver have really crazy real-estate markets. Where I live is borderline ridiculous. I had the good fortune of purchasing my condo before the market went bananas. When I moved in my neighborhood was borderline shady but now 10 years later its a really hip neighbourhood.

Never really thought of it but I guess I have a Canadian accent dont-cha-know eh!

http://www.ivillage.ca/living/home/reality-check-house-toronto-now-affordable-french-castle?cmpid=social_20140506_23334934

Do you live in calgary? My husband used to live by 17th ave, 14th st and 15th ave sw.

[I'm watching my life slip away right before my eyes]

I agree with quit once. Quitting for others doesn't work because YOU have to decide you have a problem and YOU have to want to do whatever it takes to stay sober, regardless of other people's opinions. It sounds selfish because addicts are selfish. They need to envision themselves as better people sober in order to endure the hard road it takes to get there.

I tried to quit for my husband and two months later I was back on the pills. Until I was ready to quit for myself it wasn't happening.

[How do I prepare?]

You feel productive but the only thing you have accomplished is smoked a bunch of cigarettes, felt "wired" and not slept for two days! It becomes more apparently clear that that was your existence on adderall, the more clean time you get away from it.

True, the energy gives you a false sense of productivity. I remember on adderall i could spend an hour composing a one paragraph email. My judgement was shot but i felt so important and intense writing goddamn emails. I was high. After a lot of clean time, I realized back then I was a huge asshole with a terrible attitude, no empathy and no friends. Inconsequential shit was of the utmost importance to me. If you're still putting adderall on a pedestal you're probably not ready to quit yet.