quit-once
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Posts posted by quit-once
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What I do know for certain is that I have to stop Adderall. A work situation has made me realize that Adderall is having a far more negative impact on my life than I had ever imagined. The cumulative sleep deprivation is killing me emotionally and intellectually. Most days I feel like I have early onset Alzheimer's. Adderall is making me slow and stupid. I am 100% burned out thanks to Adderall.
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Welcome, Senplate. I can totally relate to the above statement. I, too, was cognitively challenged towards the end of my addiction. You have a lot of really good reasons to quit and the sooner the better. Cold turkey worked well for me. Adderall was tearing up my body and my mind and I really had no choice but to quit if I wanted a quality future. I was 48 when I quit and it was the best thing I have ever done for myself.
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Awesome game you developed. ZK. I went broke after two days.
About six months after quitting, I became a Certified Pool Operator. It was a two day class with a lot of math and a certification exam. It was a pretty minor achievement, but it felt good at the time, to know that my brain was not permanently fried.
I can think of two members who have done well academically after quitting: Ashley6 finished up her bachelors degree and got a job, all in about two years after quitting. Greg is finishing up his masters degree in business school and he has been quit for 4+ years. There are many others too. Most of the time they move on( beyond recovery and posting on this web site) and you don't hear much from them again.
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I think the term "gateway drug" is an addiction looking for a scapegoat. However, being under the influence of Adderall led me to some poor decisions, including the use of other hard drugs. I almost became addicted to Ativan. I smoked way too many cigarettes. I smoked a lot of spice and weed. And I tried some other drugs that now make me cringe. But my desire for alcohol really diminished on Adderall. So, I believe that being high on Adderall led to bad judgment and poor decisions regarding other drugs, but not in a "gateway drug" kind of way.
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Fear of relapse was getting so bad that I was almost beginning to plan ahead for it as well as crashes when I was totally sober. What a horrifying thought. I literally don't have to feel afraid of this anymore.
It's funny how terrified I was of admitting to another person that I didn't have control. For so long I thought my battle had to be to win back control. It's so liberating to just admit the truth and not have to fear the future anymore.
Congratulations for your new-found freedom. I remember that feeling of relief after I decided to quit. It is a totally unsustainable addiction. Admitting your addiction to others and cutting off the pill supply are two huge steps that will ensure your success and recovery. Put your addiction and the Adderall habits in the rearview mirror and move forward.
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I am delighted to hear from you again, SearchingSoul! So proud of you for the successful Quit. You struggled with this addiction for a long while, and I remember your journey while you were sharing your daily challenges with us. Thanks for the update and a big Congratulations for a year free from Adderall and all the positive changes that brings.
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I think thats the case for a lot of people, How old were you when you started and quit if you don't mind me asking? I'm afraid I don't know who my old self would be xx
I was in my 40's during most of my addiction. I quit when I was 48.
I like your very specific goal of finding self confidence in doing things on your own. Not something you can force, so you do indeed have to find your own confidence. In my experience and that of many forum contributors, the self confidence issue was particularly slow to return. My self confidence started coming back during the second year of my recovery, and I still struggle with some issues regarding confidence and motivation that I didn't have pre-Adderall.
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Fuck... Sometimes I get caught up in this idea that maybe some people just ought to be on amphetamine to function and thrive in the world. But the moment I start thinking about how much bullshit the whole esteem/performance based self value is, I contradict myself with "No... fucking NO ONE should spend their whole life on amphetamine." I can't find many amphetamine success stories.
The only amphetamine success stories you will encounter are the new users. I have never heard of a long term relationship with amphetamines or any other kind of speed ending well. I like your idea of forgoing all drugs. Sometimes we need them, like antibiotics, but taking any drug over many, many years just seems like a bad idea to me.
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I burnt my last Adderall pill in a bonfire. Go for it!
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It's really pretty simple, Blake. An Adderall addiction is unsustainable. Can you see yourself on Adderall the rest of your life?
If not, welcome to the forum and good luck with your Quit.
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The only way I became my old self or my true self was to quit speed. Welcome to the forum.
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I quit having those obsessive Adderall thoughts about nine months after quitting. Glad to hear that you have turned the corner, AlswysAwsome.
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mainly when I'm obsessing about some big thing I need to do and how much I imagine addys would help.
And then I say to myself: "oh yea, and it quit working for THAT too...."
Adderall quit working for EVERYTHING that I originally took it for, and actually worked against me in most cases. Makes it pretty easy to stay quit.
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Have you read into the supplements forum? There are a lot of different things you can take that will naturally restore your mental function and cognition. For me, a high quality fish oil supplement has been the key to restoring memory and cognition. Lions mane for mental clarity and L-Tyrosine for a better mood. Five hour energy or B-12 under the tongue for instant energy and red bull gives me the wings I need for performance.
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Nine years on Adderall and 3+ years of post-Adderall freedom.
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I can't start again. I have three kids. But, the motivation. I can't seem to do ANYTHING. I have so much to do, and I sit here with them, morning after morning, hating myself. Doing nothing. It's been almost two years. Have I ruined my brain from natural pleasure forever? I'm so great on it until I'm not. I want to accomplish and without it, I just can't.
This paragraph sums up your whole post very well, and it illustrates the love-hate relationship we all had (have) with speed.
Adderall has sent you into psychosis TWICE and you are still considering a relapse? I don't get it.
So you sit at home with your kids, doing "nothing"? At least you are fully present and doing your best job as a MOM. On Adderall, you will again become a human doing instead of a human being.....is that what you really want?
Please don't go back, for the sake of your kids and your own mental stability. You have been on and off Adderall for 12 years. You have been off it for two years and, from what I can tell, you have escaped without a long term permanent side effect or drug-induced disability. Why do you want to risk your health and your future for some short term drug-induced motivation?
I enjoyed reading your post, and welcome to the forum. I really hope you find the strength and wisdom to stay off speed for the rest of your life. It's not just your life.....your three kids will be better off with a mom who is not also a drug addict.
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. Has anyone tried this? Pretending to be on adderall?
Absolutely, and it works. When I first quit I got these "thermo burst hard core" energy pills from GNC. Loaded with caffeine, carnatine and other herbal stimulants. Every time I would crave Adderall, I would take a couple of those pills. More than two was overstimulation. It satisfied my energy deficit, but more importantly, it fulfilled the need to take a pill when I felt like I was lacking something. I took them pretending they were speed.
I still do this, just not as often. Instead of caffeine pills, I take a couple of fish oil capsules, or maybe a couple of lions mane, maybe an L-tyrosine or some combination of the above and slam it with a red bull. Sometimes I simply slam a red bull when I feel like I need or want those "wings". I accept the fact I will always feel the need for speed. And as long as I am not taking an evil DRUG, then anything goes. Pretending to be on Adderall works well, as long as you don't give the Adderall part of the game too much thought or desire.
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(adderall memories creep into my brain and call to me sometimes).
Reminds me of an experience last weekend. My (ex) dealer sent me a text message out of the blue asking me if I wanted any "addy". At first it disturbed me. Then it pissed me off. Then I forgot about it for a few hours. Later, I thought about it again, but this time in a curious, maybe, "what if" frame of mind. I realized that train of thought was no good, so... I immediately located my phone and deleted the message (I had already deleted his number years ago). I considered sending a reply requesting he delete my number as well, but I just wanted to get rid of it ASAP, and I don't do text messages very well. Instant relief.
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Somehow, I missed reading your original post last summer. When it came back up a few days ago, I read the entire thread. I am so glad that your Quit was successful and that you are still hanging around this community. Recovery from an Adderall addiction is a long and slow process and it really helps to stay connected with others going through it too.
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My attempts to quit were fairly lame and half-assed. My approach to quitting and staying quit is presented in my original post of How I Quit Adderall, and here is the link......http://forum.quittingadderall.com/topic/142-how-i-quit-adderall/.
A couple of things from your post I want to directly respond to.
Most importantly, you need to make a plan to quit and follow it like your life depends on it. THE most important thing you will ever do for yourself. And there must be a significant consequence for failure. Relapse itself is not a consequence, it is a failure of willpower. So, what will happen if you fail again? Will you check yourself into an in-patient rehab? Even if it costs you money you may not have? Even if it means others will learn of your addiction? Even if you have to take time off work or lose your job? Just how important is it to you that you finally get off the shit for good?
About six months before quitting, I researched the subject, both here and elsewhere on the internet. I printed pages and pages of discussion from forums like this and what I learned was that everybody relapsed, even years after quitting. I found very little hope that people got off it and stayed off it for good. Avoiding a relapse was so important for me that I made my screen name Quit Once because I would be too ashamed to use that name again if I ever relapsed. I guess that one reason I hang around here, even 3+ years after quitting, is to offer the new quitters hope that it can be done. I believe there are a lot of people who kick this addiction, but we don't often hear from them because they have successfully moved on with their lives.
So my advice is to do your research, build a toolbox, and make a rock solid plan to quit. Timing matters, so plan your quit when the disruptions to your life will be less adverse. Have significant penalties and consequences that you intend to enforce upon yourself if you do indeed fail again. Have at least one really big reward planned for when you do succeed. And quit like your entire future and well being is at stake and your life depends on it, because it does. Good Luck!
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Seven (as in 7 months clean!!!)
Seven is a good, lucky number. Congratulations!
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. One thing I know for sure, I would never go back to that Adderall hell again.
Amen, brother!
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I found myself nodding in agreement with so much of what you wrote. I really enjoy reading good journalism which is well-written with details and well-developed structure and grammar. I have read and re-read your post and there is so much that I want to respond to with my own experiences, but not now. The one point I want to chime in on is that quitting Adderall was a life-changing event for me, too. I can't even imagine where I would be in life if I was still chained to that evil addiction. Thanks for such an inspiring post and happy New Year.
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You have to want to quit more than anything and everything else in your world. Until you get to that point, regardless of how bad you think you need to quit, attempting to quit will be futile. What are you waiting for?....an epic "rock bottom"?
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spammers can go to ____
Russia. That's where they came from. I think the spam got even more annoying when it was all posted in Russian.
Weird Feelings
in Tell your story
Posted
Hi Thomas,
My Adderall history is very similar to yours in terms of dosages and years of use. And while I did not experience the issues you are having at 18 months, the struggle continued well into my third year of recovery, although it just gradually kept getting better after my first nine months away from that awful drug.
One of my favorite quotes from this forum (from Cassie) is that recovery is not a linear process.
Another quote (from John) is that recovery is a function of how long you used it, how much you were taking, and your age.
I have discovered three supplements that I feel really helped my mind to recover from years of Adderall abuse: L-Tyrosine, fish oils, and lions mane mushroom. And I still go back to them from time to time when I feel the brain fog or depression returning. I took all of the above even today, and I have had an incredibly productive day in a good mood.
Have you considered seeing a counselor for some of your issues? A good counselor can really help you get to the bottom of things like relationship challenges and self-doubt.
On the bright side, I didn't read anything in your post that said you were considering a relapse. Stay strong, it will get better if you put some effort into fine-tuning your recovery tools.