quit-once
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Posts posted by quit-once
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Thanks so much zerokewl! I need to get on this asap.
I recently got the Lion's mane capsules and I took 2 for the first time yesterday and I think they helped a bit. I was more productive than I have been and I cleaned/organized my small studio/work station, which felt good and the first time I cleaned anything besides dishes since quitting.
I didn't discover the lions mane until almost two years after I quit. I have taken it for the last 10 months almost daily, except during my cleansing times. A combo that works really well for me to get motivated and get shit done: 1,000 mg lions mane + 500 mg L-tyrosine + Red Bull. Almost like Adderall without the guilt or the crash.
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I remember in the early days of my Quit when I couldn't seem to find any pleasure in the things that used to "do it" for me, before and especially during my addiction. I was so bummed that life was so dull and I thought "is this it? this really sucks". Within a month or two it slowly got better.
Oyvey, I think that part of your struggle is due to your short time of exposure to this nasty drug. You learned some lessons in only months that it took most of us several years to learn, and that is a good thing. In my case, it played out over nine years, and I was so ready to be done with that horrible pill that it was a relief to finally quit and get my life back. In other words, my addiction ran its full course, like some kind of weird disease or something. I wanted to quit for over a year before I actually put the pills down, but I couldn't quit because life got in the way. I remember thinking "I hope I survive this addiction until I can actually quit on my terms". The physical side effects were awful and I was losing my mind.
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Understood. I had to keep mine locked up and inaccessible for a while until I got rid of them. Have you cancelled your script? You can tell the doctor whatever you like as long it results in no more Adderall prescriptions.
What if you fail in this attempt of quitting? Are there any consequences?
(hint - like not allowing yourself to keep a stash of pills ever again?)
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Hi Frank, and welcome to the forum. The answers to your questions are yes and yes. Before Adderall, I was not ADD or ADHD at all, but I convinced myself I was to justify my addiction. But as my addiction progressed (9 years total) I became more and more ADD-like. I can empathize with people who really do have this condition. I was so scatterbrained that it was a relief to finally quit. It takes a long time to recover. I have been off the shit for 2+ years and my focus is still returning to me.
Have you cut off your supply and gotten rid of the pills yet?
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This is an incredibly useful discussion thread, SweetCarolinee. Thanks for starting it and also I wanted to tell you that I enjoy reading your posts all throughout these forums. You offer great support to many of our members. Some things to respond to here:
@Occasional1: I completely agree with your thoughts on drinking alcohol and how it affects motivation and especially PAWS. I still have a rare PAWS day now and then, and it is always after a day when I abused alcohol. Not shitfaced drunk, but even 3 or 4 drinks will fuck with my motivation and focus the next day. Normally I have my own happy hour between getting home from work and cooking dinner when I have a couple. But any more than two and I suffer the next day. I am going to explore that pomodoro method that you and ZK referred to.
I have had some success using food as my motivator - like I will not allow myself a snack or meal until my goal of the task at hand has been accomplished. For about the last month, I have had some moderate success cleaning up the clutter piles and closets and drawers left over from my addiction days.
@Jon: go get that fucking snow, man! Just do it safely and warm up your muscles before the battle. I will come by this summer with a push mower and show you how lawn care = exercise opportunity
Finally, I would like to share some tips that a member posted last year about new years resolutions (thanks, MotivationFollowsAction)
1) If you look back on a fantastic year of 2014, how will things be different that they are now?
2) What lessons from last year did you learn and how can you apply those lessons to better your life in 2014?
3) and I really like #3. Imagine a newspaper front page headline with your biggest and most important accomplishment of the year printed on Dec 31, 2014.
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Way to go! That action took some major courage. I suggest making a list of everything awful about Adderall and keeping it handy, if you haven't already done that.
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lawn mowing = exercise opportunity
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I still struggle with motivation. But I know it is better now that a year ago and a lot better that two years ago. I can't believe how fucking long it has taken for this part of recovery to improve, and it still isn't where I want to be. Earlier this week, I posted a link to an article from Lifehacker.com on ZK's stream in the lounge. That single article has helped me get more things done this week. In a nutshell, I learned that motivation was a direct result of dopamine in the brain, and how it is used. Helped me to understand why a lack of motivation plagues most of us after quitting speed. What I took away from it was that you can somewhat manipulate the dopamine pathways through behavior. Like breaking a big project into small tasks, and imagining the task completed and how good it will feel to have it done (kind of like the anticipation of taking a pill). Keep focusing on how you will feel or how it will look when each little task is done, and relish those moments as small victories. "begin with the end in mind" is an appropriate slogan here. "motivation follows action" helps me to get started when I get stuck.
I suggest reading that article - it has really helped me be more productive this week. I read it three times and explored all of its links.
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How to harness your brain's dopamine supply and increase motivation:
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it - I used to have it, then I lost it, I'm trying to find it. Maybe it was always here.
if so it must be very tiny or live in disguise
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Westexaco,
I read your post this morning before going to work and wanted to respond but didn't have the time. Sorry in advance if this becomes a lengthy reply.
I have played with nearly all of the drugs you mentioned. The difference for me was that I played with coke and meth before discovering Adderall. I am a speed freak and nothing will ever change that, so my only way to deal with it is to stay away from all stimulant drugs for the rest of my life. I, too, played with the benzos along with Adderall and experienced those horrible painful muscle cramps, tremors, and joint pain that came from the combo of abusing and withdrawing from benzos and speed on a weekly basis. I smoked cigs too and kicked them about the same time I ditched the speed.
It was hard for me to read about your adventures while tweaking because it was insanely fun for me too and I really miss that part of my addiction. Every weekend binge was like looking forward to a childhood trip to Disneyland. I, too had my own zoo of shadow monsters and rock gods, although mine were always the friendly kind. Tweaking with friends was incredibly fun. I now accept that it is all a memory and those days will never return. One of my tweaker friends, who is also my best friend from high school, quit Adderall about a year after I did. Another friend went from addie to meth and that is where he is now. I don't see them too much anymore. Every time I do see my meth-using friend, his hair gets more gray and he just looks years older in a matter of only months. Do you still see your tweaker buddies?
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Been clean for 7 months now. No amphetamine, no prescriptions, not even weed or cigarettes. Totally sober. Still haven't regained my ability to enjoy things again. I have zero motivation and very little energy. I've heard it can take years to recover. I know my drug use may be a bit outside the scope of this forum, but I'm asking for help anyway. Does it ever get easier? When do I start enjoying life again? I think about going back to Amphetamine every single day. Hell, every single hour. More, even. An Adderall prescription is only a phone call away, you know?
I haven't forgotten the bad times and I know they would happen again if I go back. But once you've seen just how INSANELY FUN life can be, and once you realize that normal sober life cannot possibly compare to that... how do you not go back?Now to address some of your questions:
Congrats for making it sober for seven months. Yes, it does get easier with more time in recovery. I started to feel much better around the nine month mark. Everybody is different, however, and there are too many variables of an individual's recovery to put it on a time line. At some point, you will begin to feel much better. I was still thinking about Adderall a hundred times a day at seven months, especially the "last year at this time I was....." kind of thoughts. Yes, an Adderall script or pill is only a phone call away. You will ALWAYS be only one pill, puff, or powder away from resuming your addiction(s). Accept it and deal with it.
How do you not go back?
I will answer your question with a question. Are you on any kind of probation or subject to drug testing that is helping you stay off the shit?
You do not go back because that is a part of your life you are done with. Like high school. Like somebody who has died. Like an ex- girlfriend who got married.
An amphetamine addiction is unsustainable. The good times you had cannot return without the bad things coming back even worse. In your case, Adderall will never do it for you again because you found meth in the mix, and if you go back to meth it will kill you. I have never heard of anybody going back to their addiction and living happily ever after, have you?
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before = fake smile
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Let me be the first one to congratulate you on your decision to quit. Your mind will come back, at least mine did after a couple of years. I remember saying that Adderall was causing me to lose my mind and that was the one asset I valued most and could least afford to lose.
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Emotional numbing was the sustaining force of my addiction for its last two years. It started when my last dog got sick and died slowly over four months. Then my mom slowly succumbed to old age and died two years later. Adderall kept me emotionally numb and focused on caregiving while my addiction evolved into a daily habit with little control of my dosage. It kept the depression abated after she died. For that I am grateful. I wanted to quit so bad but had to wait until the right time of the year and my life in general. It was horrible having to use a drug just to physically function, while suffering through some very painful physical side effects. I was not mentally healthy, either. Like you, Oyvey, I shed many tears after quitting. My depression was at its worst in the few weeks post quitting and it gradually got better with time. That was my biggest hang up about quitting - was the depression. I was scared shitless from all the stories I read on the internet about the horrible depression and how it caused so many people to relapse. In fact, that is why I waited until the Spring to quit so the seasonal depression of the dark season (like now) would not be more painful. But, you have got this, Oyvey. Sounds like you are already through the worst of the depression and I believe you really are because the days are getting longer and you are getting stronger. Your recovery will likely be less painful and shorter than for those of us who used the shit for years and years. Be grateful that you learned your life lesson on addiction and quit before you found your own rock bottom.
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I remember reading your posts before I joined the forums while I was planning my quit. You inspired me with your determination to quit. I suggest you go back and read your earlier posts from 2011. The only other advice I have for you is to just take that test and be done with it so you can move on with your life. How many times will they allow you to re-take it and howl long until the clock runs out for taking the test? Have you tried any local support groups like pills anonymous or smart recovery? I can also offer you my unconditional support for kicking all of your addictions, however you choose to do so. PM if you need to chat about anything personal.
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snow shoveling = exercise opportunity
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I love my German Shepherd more than anything else in the world and I truly "feel" that love. I got her as a puppy two years before I quit and honestly, I really didn't care if she stayed or ran away at that point. I can't begin to tell you how important her friendship and loyalty was during my early recovery.
Dogs are awesome!
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this is a bit off-topic.... but the last time I was around some of my tweaker friends, and they were smoking meth.....and I briefly thought "I wonder if I could catch a harmless buzz from the second hand smoke". It scared the hell out of me and I instantly left the room.
I came back later on and they were still smoking. I said "I cant even be around that shit" and left again. They seemed offended but I didn't care.
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Congratulations for seizing the opportunity to change your life. Adderall didn't make you any smarter than you naturally are, it just motivated you to do things that are not always fun. It is possible that many of the things you were passionate about while taking a stimulant drug will be less interesting during your recovery. It is good that you have found new passions already at such an early stage of your recovery.
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Ally, treat your mind like a TV and CHANGE THE CHANNEL when these thoughts arise!
In my opinion, one pill will begin a cascade of thoughts leading you back a to your full blown addiction.
CHANGE THE CHANNEL!
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HaHa, me and my buddy used to belittle and joke about those humans who "got their energy from food". I couldn't believe how much time I spent preparing food and cleaning up right after I quit. In fact, I used most of my early recovery energy just growing and preparing food. Then working or sleeping. I prefer fasting till noon and eating two larger meals and not snacking. But it took a long time to get back to that routine because my stomach didn't like being empty for about a year or so after quitting.
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I don't know what to do. Do you all think I'm crazy for hanging on to them and think I can't be successful at never taking them again if I have them in my mitts?
That is a very personal decision. I held onto mine for five months until I could no longer see any possible reason for needing them again. But they were not accessible to me. I was not strong enough to just keep an open pill bottle sitting around when I first quit so I locked them up. It is the weirdest kind of security blanket. How can we be so attached to an inanimate fucking pill?
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I completely lost my interest in music while using. It was one of the first things to return - just the simple appreciation and listening.
DDaniel you have the right approach to quitting. Especially your willingness to forego your good job if it doesn't fit your post- Adderall personality. But I doubt you will need to do that. And also your appreciation for not being amped up is a really big deal, especially at this early point in your recovery. Great that you did not have to hit a rock bottom - just a desire for a better life. One of the things that sustained my quit was the realization that this addiction was completely unsustainable. You always need to be on a pill and the dosage required for its effectiveness will always increase. Welcome to a better life - life beyond addiction.
I sincerly hope that this is your best and final quit. Are you aware that the windows for quitting are uncommon, even rare. The next window you see might be years away, so take care of this quit. It is precious and fragile.
Very wise words from Jon. The most important thing for me is to never relapse on speed. It is why I carefully chose my screen name as such.
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Blue diamond's almond-coconut milk beverage sounds great. I want to try. Is it at any grocery store?
I shop at a Kroger store and they have it. WalMart does not. It is in the dairy section. Sweetened or unsweetened. Lots of calcium. I highly recommend it.
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I need help with motivating myself with work without Adderall please, any tips besides coffee?
in General Discussion
Posted
Generally about two hours, although if I slam another (sugarfree) red bull or have green tea it can last most of the evening.