catw66

Congratulations. I can totally relate. My functioning went so far down the tubes on this drug it wasn't funny. I still have a hard time dealing with filling out forms and petty paperwork type things - like paying my bills on time and all, but it's getting easier. Who would have thought my concentration would get so bad on Adderall over a few years rather than better? But then again, drugs have different effects over time in combinations with all sorts of other factors and some act in a way that is idosyncratic...this, I know having been on lots of them. I am so glad you figured this out at a young age. You have many years ahead of you to make some real headway now.

It is nice, after getting off of Adderall, to finally be able to enjoy food again and to start feeling like most of what goes in my brain is more or less under my control again. I did not realize how dulled down and apathetic I was and exhausted. It may take a while but if you can see this as temporary, you can get through it!

good luck and I too hope it is not too serious wiht the kidney thing. Keep yourself hydrated. Adderall withdrawal only lasts so long - at leas the worst parts of it so if you can handle it, you can get through this. I had to cut myself down and then did the suggestion to take an adderall holiday - just one day off - and kept going from there. It is bad at first but I really wanted off the stuff as I was having such severe depression headaches when it would wear off and was feeling suididal and like I couldn't stand another moment of my suffering some days. This slowly went away finally and keeps getting better. L-Tyrosine and good vitamins of the B-type really helped as well, I believe.

My Ashtanga yoga practice is one of the things that helps my depression so an act of faith keeps me getting on the mat. If I had to get to some class or watch the same DVD over again, I probably would not stick wtih it, but Ashtanga is very methodical and meditative and it helps me observe myself from more of a "witness" perspective when done at least three times a week. It balances something in my brain and detoxes the nervous system, supposedly. Sometimes lately, it's been only two days a week, but I've been doing something or another to just keep moving and am slowly increasing the days of my practice. Still drinking three cups of coffee before I can do it, however, in the AM. When I look back at my history, starting on meds at age 17 and having just turned 47 and seeing my hopes and dreams for myself went totally by the wayside over time, I do start to freak out a bit. So I'm having to force myself to cheerlead myself into a more realistic attitude that ALL is not totally lost, and that I think I need to blog intelligently about what's happened and share my journey of what I can still salvage after it all. Some good shall come out of this too I hope. I did get a masters degree, though I had to stop working full time some years after a car accident and yet more medication. However, I did become an artist and I still perform out here and there, though I never got to where I wanted to go wtih it due to depression and fatigue, but it's still there to pick back up again. I never got married or had kids, though I have a great dog, never let my physical appearance go and can probably meet a nice guy some day still. But back to all the pharmaceuticals - I pretty much believed it totally that I HAD to be on one pharmacuetical after another or in various combos - or I would be worse off. I think many people believe that. It's the bill of goods we are sold by the doctors. And I am not sure how they can say that, as it is proven now that most of them work no better than placebo on a good percentage of people. It is not entirely without merit though, as often I would get off a drug, only to sink further down than ever and not be able to feel my hands and go running to the doctor for another one to try. Knowing what I know now though, and as I've said, I think various supplements and dietary changes and a good mindfulness practice with or without the physical is better than the drugs. It just took me a LONG time to figure this out. I don't expect it to be perfect either. I went on a hike in the woods and spent the rest of the day crashed out in bed for a while. I worry I will never be able to get back to a career, but I am going to do my best to heal and try. And if my cellular mitochondira, my brain, or my adernals are all damaged and I'm stuck with chronic fatigue and other brain issues forever, I will at least know I tried to do my best and I will find a way to live with it all. I know I wasn't well from a very early age not on any medication, but I think a lot of it was emotional and I'm also older now and have a lot more wisdom and ways to manage things that I've learned over the years. I needed coping skills a long time ago and good peope in my life, not medications. But I think often of people who live in awful circumstances and never get out and that's not me. I still have probably a good number of years left where I can still do something better than all this, but sometimes I do beat up on myself for not being able just pull it together fast enough. But I figure this is my soul's journey and what I do with time is just my opinion of it all and not really the important thing.

zerokewl - I'm with you on the done with any pill thing. I've been on one thing or another for 30 years and this Adderall thing really was the bottom for me and I refuse to bother anymore.

I am only a month or so out and I am noticing lots of ups and downs, sometimes within one day even. Still not totally firing brain-wise as I think I ought to be. I think this can take a long time. I keep thinking of your handle, Motivation Follows Action everytime I do something, though. Sometimes it works and other times I just need to take a nap and then start over again later. But it helps to just get started on something and see how long I can go. I tell myself, "Yes I feel crappy and like I'd rather just do nothing or something easier, but I can hang in here for at least half an hour" it's just getting started is the usual problem. If I am so exhausted though. I cut myself slack. All in good time, all in good time. I figure there was a reason we were all on it in the first place, right? Those are the things to monitor and see what can be done. Good luck and don't be hard on yourself! You are probably doing better than you think with all this.

Adderall caused me to hyperfocus on the negative so much and now that I am off, the thoughts come and go and I am not as nailed to misery caused by certain thoughts like I used to be. I can let go more. This is refreshing. I feel like maybe now with all the wisdom I've accumulated in my now 47th year of life, I can start working seriously on some long standing issues and not think a damn pill is going to save the day anymore.

My problems with GERD are going away as well now that I am not on the Adderall. I had never made the connection. How horrible that it is really acidic.

Hi - Since my appetite is now better, I too am noticing more cravings for sweets for some reason. What is working for me though is that I keep exercising and I put off the craving for sweets so I don't overdo it one day. I figure this is going to be temporary, I hope. There are some great non-refined sugar things you can eat as well. One of my favorite ways to combat a sugar craving is to slice up a green apple and dip it in non-sugar peanut butter. A nice piece of fruit can suffice as well at times. Moderatation is key as I know that if I go overboard (as I have been here and there as I am at my mother's for a while and she likes to bake all the time,) that the sugar come down feels like an Adderall come down. I try not to eat any sugar on an empty totally stomach either.

Hi - Sorry I haven't checked in in a while. I've been thinking about you all here, though, and how much I like this community. Not sure what happened but the Adderall withdrawal is still chugging along. I think I have about a month now? Not sure. I need to figure it out. I got caught up with a couple of other health issues and this one seemed to take a back seat for a bit. I have been very up and down, but overall, I feel ditching the Adderall was totally a worthwhile thing to do. The depression and very serious lack of motivation I was feelling and really bad headaches are slowly but surelty starting to abate. I'm still not all there mentally as in my brain just doesn't want to "complete the algorithm" at times and I find myself still shutting down and still feeling that tiredness as if I was still on the stuff. The difference is one of degree, however. My appetite is much better which is nice as I feel I can enjoy food again. The severe withdrawal spaciness and fatigue has gotten better, but then again, fatigue was one of the reasons I was put on this drug, so it's not like my energy is suddenly great, just more focused and sustainable. I can't believe how utterly deadened I was feeling most of the time after a while on Adderall. In fact, the fatigue of everything was a lot worse while on it than off - kind of like if I thought things with depression and fatigue were bad before Adderall, then I had no way of knowing for almost three years or so that they would be getting a lot worse because of adderall, not in spite of it. I had an appt. with a neurospcyhiatrist last week to be evaluated for ECT as I was still sinking into some severe lows though starting to have a couple of good days here and there. Since I went to see him during a good day, he didn't just jump at the chance to put me on his schedule. He listened carefully to everything I said and especially the part where I explained asking myself about two months ago, what changed that made the depression so much worse? I had always assumed it was the final breakup with the narcissist I had endured over a year ago, but honestly the severe seasonal depressions were getting that much more severe shortly after I started Cymbalta and then Adderall not too long after. So this doctor told me that quite frankly yes, the medications could have been making my depression worse over the years after all and that his suggestion was to start weaning myself off the Cymbalta as well and see how I feel. I was suddenly very anxious that he was taking the ECT off of the table, but he said no, "We let the patient decide that," as he had gotten a referral from my doctor in Colorado anyway. He said I would need to be off of that anyway before any ECT treatments were going to happen. As well, he is the first psychiatrist ever to admit to me that yes, perhaps all my 30 years straight on one psych med or another has worsened my depression over time as that can happen and as well, they are now finding out that a lot of these medications do more than just affect a few key neurotransmitters and that they might not soon be able to call them things like, "selective-seratonin reuptake inhibitors" anymore. While many people believe their medications work for them and they just might, and I hope not to scare anyone by this, I think in my case, due to I have been on them so very long and with limited results which required more and more and different types, that I ended up sort of deadened mentally on some level and have problems with motivation and executive functioning. I notice since the Adderall is now gone, my memory is yet even worse now. I read an article based on a study they did that hypothesizes that when a person is on more at least three pharmacological agents of any kind, that there can be a decrease in grey matter. I totally feel that and hope it is not too late to snap back somehow. So now I am on another withdrawal program for Cymbalta (which can be extremely nasty) and after that will come the Tramadol for pain, which I take only a small dose of - but damn, I want to know who I am beneath all this. When I look back at how I used to function even though I was struggling and see how my functioning deteriorated even further over the past ten years, it freaks me out a little. Now that I have a good yoga practice and yoga nidra meditation practice in place, am starting to feel like maybe I will be ok - and studying cogntive behavioral therapy techniques, etc.. As well, I have been turned on to a lot less harmful supplements I am using with great care and research, I think I may have a chance to survive lifelong depression without the use of medications that didn't work anyway! If I fall through the bottom again, I'd rather have ECT than another years-long disaster with yet another medication that they have to admit doesn't work aymore like they thought it did. So that's my story. One odd thing I've noticed being off the adderall, is some craving for it comes up here and there and I think maybe it will work really well now - just for a day, but honestly, I don't want to undo what I've done though I haven't thrown the stuff out yet. Still struggling with that - thinking I might need it later on for something and I'll be sorry if I just dump it. But dump it I think I should. The idea of crashing on that stuff again makes me sick to think about anyway when a red bull would probably do if I had to.... Another odd thing I've noticed and which I am grateful for, is that my creative juices are flowing again in my brain. I have ideas again of things I'd like to do creatively and am actually starting to do them though not being able to start them or not finishing things the way I'd like. I have also gotten out more as tired and twitchy as I've felt at times. I am doing things. Before on Adderall, it was too easy to just sit in a fog and not give a shit if I got out or not. Now I feel supremely guilty and the need to push myself out around others takes over. Before there was no way I could do much of anything I was so bad off there for a while. I am starting to feel amazed at how much more functional I am though it still pales in comparison to the average person. I guess this is going to take a while.... In the meantime, I'm appalled that my damn psychiatrist didn't put it together that maybe this combo I was on of Tramadol, Cymbalta, and Adderall was making me worse. No, he just wanted me to take MORE.

P.S. As far as the feeling of your brain still being soaked in the chemicals, I wonder how long any very real residue stays in certain cells though they say the liver processes it and it only has so much of a half-life in our body. But I think the residue is another story alltogether. Hang in there!

Hi Jon - I'm always having feelings of one sort or another as I'm a "highly sensitive person" but they feel more genuine and less intense from stress. I think there are a lot of ups and downs with this Adderall thing though I have bipolar disorder so I think the ups and downs feel more pronounced possibly. But I am enjoying feelng a bit more clarity and less of the brain crash. I am noticing my creative ideas of things I might do for the sake or art and my life's next step are flowing a bit easier. By day nine, I'm a bit worn out at the moment though, as I took it upon myself to drive from Michigan to Canada (about a 5.5 hour drive both ways) to go to a music festival camp-out. I don't think I had enough energy to do that, though talked to a friend there who said he knew others who had felt bad on Adderall as it re-wires your brain to think you need it to keep interested in things and it became a constant struggle for them needing more and dealing with the crashes. That leads me to think this re-wiring to a new normal takes some time. So it makes sense to me that you are still feeling it. I feel at times better and then just like I am on it still with the crashes, though I am sure some of it is fatigue. Brain is probably going through a lot to heal. Anyway, I learned from this little trip that I'm probably not ready to do too much overextering myself as I was so tired by the time I reached the border to come back ( and I don't have experience with border crossing by car) and was not ready for the 20 questions I got. I was so tired and fatigued mentally that when they asked me where I had come from, all I could think to say was, "Canada" (Duh....) When they asked me where in Canada, I had to find my google print out for the actual name of the place. I was surprised they didn't pull me aside for a sobriety test or search my car for drugs!!! But I had a good laugh about it later. When I feel dull, I experience it as depression of sorts and am not sure that will ever totally go away and I remember that is one of the main reasons I started the Adderall. But yes, my smile has returned. I am having a few more laughs than usual and laughing a bit longer than I have remembered over the past year or so.

I am starting to feel better on day 6 after some usual hormonal stuff I go through routinely. In fact, I found out I have endometriosis, which was causing my chronic fatigue and that is one of the reasons I wanted an Rx for Adderall. What a mistake that was! I was only going to take it near that time of month and ended up on it every day as I thought wrongly it was helping me. Still dealing with some depression, but I think overall it is not nearly as painful as it was and if nothing else, I forsee myself getting to the bottom of it now that I am somewhere they have excellent medical care. I feel a lot more present and calm and I am sure my yoga practice and the impression it has left on me over time is really able to sink in and help now, so I will keep up with that. Still wanting to take naps a lot and sleep more.

Jon - Wow. I can relate to this well. Last night I was talking to an old friend on the phone and he said I seem a lot calmer than I used to be and more laid back. He said when we started dating, I seemed really amped up and was going on and on about this or that or thing that was going wrong and that I couldn't immediately control. I remember losing my computer chipped car key around the block one night and then going nuts for hours looking for it. Finally, I gave up and when dawn broke, I got out there again and found it under the one of maybe a dozen fallen fall leaves that I had missed. I do feel much calmer though I've been an anxious sort of person at times. However, I notice the difference is that I am not hyper-focused on what is wrong. Things that are bothering me can pass out of the forefront of my mind easier. They come back around, but at least I get some releif and am not as obsessed about it. I remember this being a problem before on Ritalin and Concerta - the overfocus on the negative and the anxiety-provoking. I can do that well enough on my own, but when a person is depressed as well and the stimulants are making it worse, I believe this can be a potentially life and mind wrecking situation. It is interesting too, that I was so depressed and worn out yet I could endlessly tweak on some small crisis or another when on Adderall. How exhausting.... I am on day 6 today of no Adderall and I get the tiredness you are feeling. But it also feels rejuvenating. I am still dealing with depression but that deep depression headache is not there anymore which I assume was when the Adderall would start to wear off and my brain was screaming for more. Good for you! How is your mood?

resetBrain - I noticed the same thing - that with the Adderall I just have not snapped out of the long-lasting depressions as fast as I used to be able to. Even when I felt somewhat better, I was always fighting a low level of it that would get worse if I went two days without yoga.

I'm wondering if having ups and downs mood-wise is part of the recovery or withdrawal process? Still taking the L-Tryosine and my vitamins.

Now I'm on day three and it is catching up with me. Severe depression, fatigue, and lack of motivation. Some of it is hormonal though. It seems to ake my brain a bit to figure out it's missing something but I have to say I didn't feel that much better with Adderall in my system and my skin already looks a little brighter so I'll keep on with this and hope I will be ok, but very fatigued and sacked out. I don't think I believe in ADD either anymore. For some maybe, but for me Adderall didn't help that much at all. I think the mixing of various drugs to treat depression can cause more problems and maybe that's been my case. Still going to see the neuropsych though. I'm tired of feeling this low and going up and down all the time....but hanging in there.

One thing I am noticing though is that my ADD is back in full force, but at least there is some force behind it and I'm motivated to get things done - even if I have a creative way of mutlitasking through various things at once. It was not nearly as bad as feeling like a half-dead zombie with no passion for as long as I was. Maybe ADD is functional for some, even if it's a pain the ass to deal wtih. It's actually part of my creative style that keeps me interested in moving forward on both bigger and lesser things. I'm realizing that at some point the Adderall reallly turned on me and it wasn't going to go well until I cut way down and then quit. When I think of it, it totally changed my brain in combination with two other medications and my particular brain the way it is anyway. Not all drugs do the same thing for the same people, but when enough people have a bad time on it, that should be paid attention to seriously. But I had my doctor telling me to take more and it wasn't likely making my depression worse so I ignored the pamphlet and assumed other things ...bad relationship, chronic fatigue, seasonal affective disorder getting worse, etc. etc.....

I took an Adderall holiday for a day from my cut down from 20 to 10 mg. and it got a little unpleasant towards the end of the day and I felt a bit weird this morning, but overall better for it. I now know for sure that Adderall was screwing me with depression and I really don't want to take it at all just to cut down on it anymore. It really did something messy with my brain that was highly uncomfortable - more uncomfortable than any withdrawal symptoms, so I'm going to keep going here and just not take it. I can't wait to be free of it. The L-Tryrosine and B-Vatamins are really helping me. I got out yesterday and though I was tired, I didn't have that crashing feeling that would happen when I felt my brain was just shutting down after a while...and thus my body along with it. Keeping up with my yoga practice is helping. This is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, though it's not great either, but better than that Adderall "dead zone" effect I was having that I just can't stand anymore. As well, my heart doesn't feel like it is pounding out of my chest anymore. I didn't realize how much I was feeling my heart pound on some level when on it. I pulled out the literature on it that came with my last script and I was having all the major side effects and just didn't take it seriously. Wow.... I think this all happened just at the right time as I was slated for ECT treatments and now I am thinking I don't need them. I can manage any residual depression with yoga and cognitive behavior techniques.

This is very strange, but after getting through over two weeks of cutting down from 20 mg to 10 mg and getting a lot of rest, adding L-Tyrosine, eventually getting back into my yoga, and adding NAC (another supplement), I realize I am starting to feel much better. Today I didn't take any at all and I didn't experience that odd feeling that I think Adderall gives me within the first two hours of taking it and then the later brain fog/depressive crash that lasts througout the day. The blurred vision has already been greatly reduced. I don't know if I'm just having the odd good day or what, but I'm getting the distinct feeling that the Adderall was about to kill me by worsening my depression to the degree that it did over time. I realize I have a seasonal affective issue and maybe it's just the sunlight that's been out for a while now, but I also clearly see how Adderall was making the depressions almost unbearable with accompanying severe headaches. I feel like over the last week, I've had a few glimpses of lifting mood and then yesterday and today it started to feel much better - like I just felt more even keel. Looking back now, I am finding myself a bit angry again at the man I dated with narcissistic personality disorder who didn't care one bit that I had health issues and severe bipolar illness and just messed with me and strung me along and gas-lighted me mentally and emotionally for 4.5 years. I was so depressed and fatigued from that alone that I turned to Adderall and I never was able to put it together that the bad relationship had brought me really low and was draining my energy. When I finally got rid of this man for good, I just thought I had fallen into a deep depression and was unable to get out and that it was due to the breakup and all the horrendous mental games he played on me over time. It simply didn't occur to me that I wasn't recovering due to not him and the emotional trauma I endured, but the Adderall! While I am glad to finally see this and I can't blame this sick person totally for my plight, I now see that the stress of having dealt with him worsened my fatigue and depression, caused me to reach for the Adderall and never put it together that it was the Adderall bringing me down worse than ever, not a broken heart or an inablity to get over some asshole. So I'm a little mad I had to get played by that person who didn't care that I was fragile and just kept running his game on me and it took me so long to figure out what was happening because narcissists are master manipulators, he did have a caring side, and yet he always made it seem like everything was all my fault. Afterall, I was the sick one with depression...and my brain just working right, etc. ad nauseum..... I feel like had I never met him and got that much more depressed, sidetracked mentally and emotionally, and run down physically from stress, I would not have asked for something like Adderall. Well, at least I have hope now. I feel certain of that. That is worth something after all the suffering I've endured for the last six years about over his man and my worsening fatiuge and depression. I headed out to my appt. to see the ECT doctor Friday morning and I managed to get lost in spite of having the directions. I pulled over in a not very great neighborhood and I couldn't get the address to come up right on the Gramen GPS tool either. I called and they decided to reschedule but never called me back later Friday as they said. I'm wondering if maybe it was a saving a grace I never went to that appt. as I am already seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with the Adderall ordeal. In short, I see I may not totally need the ECT at all if I keep up with my supplements, take my time recovering, and keep up with my yoga practice - and be a LOT nicer to myself than I have been mentally for making all these mistakes over the years. But I am a little humbled again by the reminder on yet another level, to never underestimate the horrendous effects that can occur in one's life when you let the wrong people in - especially if you are already dealing with a disability or frailty of some sort to begin with and I had all kinds of dysfunctional people in my life for a while. I wonder had I not been on Adderall for the past almost four years, I would have been less complacent and had more energy to go out and make nicer friends. But I was so DAMN tired and untimvated that I just figured I needed the friends I had in spite of their flaws and I just went further into a big spiral of depression. The good thing about all this though is that it led to an astute doctor (who was disgusted my psychiatrist never had my heart checked out this whole time) sending me for a full workup and uncovering a heart condition I didn't know I had. As well, I found the information the pharmacy gives you with the Adderall RX and all the things I have been complaining about - worsened bipolar disorder, dizziness, blurred vision, chest pains, headaches, and maybe a few more were things I didn't equate to the Adderall. My doctor assured me emphatically it was safe and that it should not be causing my depression or fatigue to get worse! He just thought I should take more and more made things worse. Why was I unable to put two and two together here? I guess because I had been dealing with depression and fatigue before, made worse by the bad relationship, and I was assuming it had all made the two conditions worse and Adderall had nothing to do with it. Boy have I learned a big lesson here! I hope I continue to feel better and better. I have a feeling I will at least mentally. I am hoping I won't have too hard a time just going from 10 mg to nothing now, but I will give it a good try. I want this stuff out of my life and out of my system. At least I finally feeling hopeful and am sure I probably will not be needing the ECT afterall. I also feel I will be able to now get off off the medical marijuana he recommended for me as well as I was beginning to overuse that to deal with the headaches, my lack of motivation, and give me a short burst of relief from my mental torment. When I tried to not use it for 7 months, things gor worse for me and yet the year before I stopped using it the second time, I had quit and did really well without it. So due to Adderall, I was convinced I needed the MMJ just to function through all this. I have nothing at all against it and believe it can be helpful for many things, but I was using that in the wrong way at the wrong times and I see it now as another thing that I really didn't need and could have been making things worse in terms of bipolar mood swings before. I feel like all this revelation is very late in the game for me, but all I can say is better late than never. I feel like my whole life fell down like a house of cards around me. I didn't know where to go and ended up in Michigan and now I know why I came. Had my new doctor not sent me for that echo and had I not found out I had two structural heart defects and that Adderall could be dangerous for me, I never would have stopped taking it, continuing to labor under the illusion that it was the only that gave me at least some energy and/or focus here and there. I am excited now because yoga was starting to help me before I hit my seasonal depression though if I didn't do it for two days, I'd start to sink again. Now I see that it will still be a great help and an even better help and that I might even be able to get off my antidepressant that never worked either. I just never wanted to withdraw from it due to it's worse to get off of than Adderall, but I will face that one when I'm sure it is safe to do so. Thank you so much for being here. Adderall nearly drove me to suicide, I am sure of it now. It is time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start finding life again and what I am meant to do with it. I just hope I can forgive myself. I will have to as beating myself up will not erase the past or buy me back that time and maybe my experience will be of help to someone else at some point. One thing I am excited about is getting back to my video art. I totally lost my mojo on that and I feel a passion coming back today of my mind waking up again, even if it crashes a little as I recover, but I think things will be better now. And I'm glad I found yoga before all this...and this site and you lovely souls as well on the same journey. I am going to go forward with a lot more care and respect for myself as a person who needs clarity and health, not more chaos and chemicals.

I've been feeling a lot of resentment towards my psychiatrist for putting me on this stuff as a bipolar depressive in the first place. In the second place, a deep down resentment is forming again over my parents putting all their issues and b.s. on me as "identified patient" - with the result being that I've been on many, many different medications since I was 16 years old and it just became a natural part of life to accept trying one chemical or combo thereof after another and just getting sicker over the years with severe depression and fatigue issues. It's all coming up as I work my way off this Adderall finally. I now want off the other drugs I've been on as well for depression and pain.

It could be stress. The brain reacts strongly to something being taken away and it could be affecting your digestion for that reason alone. Just cutting down, I've had the same thing happen as Jon is having. I also drink Yerba Matte tea, which is excellent for elimination though don't overdo it as it can cause you to feel a little jittery if you aren't used to it or brew it too long. Lots of water and fiber and you should be fine in no time. If you are tired and not moving around as much, this could also be the culprit. I think ever drug does at least slightly different things for different people and maybe it was more stimulating to your peristalsis and now your body needs to figure out how to get things moving again, which I am sure it will in time. I say this only because a long time ago, I suffered from an eating disorder and was a laxative abuser. I was hospitalized finally and my peristalsis just about shut down and I bloated up terribly and then it all started working again normally after a week or two. (But I have to admit that they did give me an enema or two because it's not healthy to be that constipated for too long. So there's that idea if you need it at first.) Good luck to you and congratulations on quitting!

Evie - I am still coming off of it slowly. I have been cut down from 20 mg to 10 mg for a about two weeks or so and I think it is time to cut down further or go without it. I finally feel like I can handle the discomfort enough to go a little further. But I'll tell you that going from 20 mg to 10 mg felt like I just stopped taking it altogether. It actually took my brain a week I think to figure out what it was missing. Tomorrow I am going to take a holdiay off of it and see how that goes. Maybe I can go from 10 mg to nothing. I hope so. Thank you for confirming the idea for me that it does not make depression better, but worse. Doing this Adderall cut down and cessastin process is feeling like some wild bipolar mood swings for sure. I have a feeling it is supposed to go like this due the brain is having to do all kinds of recalibrations again. I can totally relate to that "hating myself" feeling. It's like the full knowledge and then some hitting me of all that has gone wrong to get me on Adderall and other meds - like some sort of rude awakening that is still a ways from being plainly accepted, lived through, and somehow transformed eventually. Keep going! I think I totally understand why you've kept accepting the scripts. Your relapse with getting one of them filled _ just in case - could have been predicted. I am afraid to run out as well, just in case. But we both know Adderall doesn't solve the deep down self-esteem issue and the illusions it created for us - that if we took it, we would somehow be more adequate and higher-functioning...maybe even a little perfect. I am realizing how very imperfect I am, how far I have fallen in my life due to disabling depression and negative thoughts and self-image. This is something I have to find a way to work on and Adderall was no short cut. Love yourself through your rough times. YOu will get there. You are doing pretty good!

Wow. Thank you so much for answering me on what happened to make you feel older. I guess I have sort of felt that way as well over the last year especially. The shortness of breath thing is sounding very familiar. Interestingly, I have been complaining of severe menstrual pain the past three years and the shortness of breath gets worse the closer I get to that time in the month. This was not such an issue before Adderall, now that I look back on it. Everyone's always told me I look younger than mid-40's but the past year or so, I too have felt older and that I am aging faster than usual. I have to think these drugs might not be the greatest for getting the full nutritional value from food. My memory has also been totally horrendous as well. I went to a new internal medicine doctor and told him of my shortness of breath, diziness, fainting a few times and increasing amoutns of fatigue and he immediately was concerned about my use of Adderall and seemed disgusted that my psychiatrist put me on the stuff wtihout first checking out the health of my heart and then continuing to check it while I was on it for three or so years. So he sent me for an echocardiogram and the technician told me she's never seen heart damage in an adderall user but I did end up wtih a heart issue - a patent foramen ovale (which is a common congenital deal) but with an atrial septal anseurysm which is not so common. I later read that experts decided Adderall did not cause heart issues but my internist still feels that it possibly could have made these conditions worse. I don't know. But I'm grateful for the whole orderal if it helped uncover a potentially deadly heart defect that they may decide to fix. But honestly, my health has gotten so much worse when I already started out with depression, chronic fatigue, and fibromyalgia. It will be interesting to see how much improves when I am off Adderall for a while. And as far as ADD goes, yoga is excellent for focus and concentration. I notice that my focs is at its best after an hour of Ashtanga and things move in a somewhat rhythmic fashion for a while later, including my thoughts. Much clearer, so I am glad you took up a yoga practice as well. Oh, and thank you for mentioning about your issues with decision-making. I have been having an increasingly hard time making decisions for the past year or so - so much so that my mother has commented on it many times. I've always been able to consider anything from various angles and points of views, but it got to the point where I'd make one decions one day and then end up in a panic the next day or the next hour over it - wondering what the right thing was to do - like a bad, reverse hyperfocusing issue with no end or resolution in sight. I can't ever remembering being as bad as it's been since I've been on Adderall. Thank you for your insights. It will be interesting to see if more clarity is restored.

P.S. I also read your bio and how long you have been on it and that you suffered from depression as well and figured out Adderall didn't make it any better, only worse. I can so relate to that. The more I learn about Adderall, the more I think it backfires with depression. Didn't realize how dead I was feeling for so long. Also wondering how it made you feel older, quit-once? Just curious as my fatigue got worse on it. I'm wondering if the afternoon crash I had was part of that.