Freebird

I wonder if it makes a difference the amount of adderall you took on a daily basics and how long you took adderall? I am still so extremely TIRED and have my moments of being so distraught about being so fatigue. I even went to the doctor and had some blood work with the hope that maybe there was another cause besides no longer taking adderall to explain my lack of energy. Maybe I was an anemic, thyroid, etc.. Just SOMETHING that would explain. Because honestly I worry that i will never get any better... I will never have anymore energy. Gosh I hate to be such a "Debbie Downer" but I have been crying non-stop about that I was so "tired of being tired" especially the past several days to has really gotten me down. In fact my son that is a senior in high school got home and I was upset and he ask me what was wrong and I actually said "I am so tired of being tired" . I decided to get on here and I thought it was so ironic when I read what the topic on this tread. I also take Wellbutrin and after about 7-8 with feeling tired all the time. It went though a period were I was also crying all the time as well. And I had been doing somewhat better but it was like i "hit a wall" my husband insisted I call my doctor and tell him I was having a major depressive eposide I explained to him what I had been feeling like and he agreed sounded like I could benefit from an anti-depressant and starred me on lexapro. It did seem to help and did at least "get me out of bed" so again do you guys thing it matters how long you took adderall or the dose you were on?

Hey Lucky- I have be been thinking about you. I have noticed your few post over the past several days and was soooo happy to see them. i was wondering and i admit worried what was going on with you or maybe on of your sons. All I could do was "like" at that moment, because as we have discussed before I do believe i have this depression that comes and goes and well. when it sneaks up on me.... i am pretty useless. But back to you... I am SO HAPPY for you and YAY I am super glad for your 9 days I guess it is longer now I can't remember when I read that post. BUt I know you must BE VERY PROUD OF YOURSELF as you should be! HIP HIP HOORAY for you!!! Well i would LOVE to catch up so if you have time of feel like it PM me whenever. and tell me about the kiddos, husband, you, etc.... ((((hugs)))) again it was sooo good when I saw you name the other day back one this forum!

I would like to join you. This is something I have never tried before but have always wanted to but for one reason or another I never bothered to even try. I have read article on meditating. But I will need to refresh my memory and read some more about it tonight. Even though you basically described how do to it. I know it is going to be difficult to keep my mind from wondering. But now that you said you just start counting over then.... Well.... I don't know I am EXCITED!!!! And now this will give me a reason to try something I have been wanting to learn for a long time. I know at this I do not have the energy to join the 12 mile club but... maybe in a few months who knows. Just taking it one day at a time. So Cassie if I have a question I might send you a message but YAY!!!

Maybe when you are meeting someone for the first time like on a date. Just me upfront and tell them that people tell you that you talk really fast and you don't even realize you are doing it. So if you get to talking so fast just remind you to slow down. I have found that has really helped me if I prepare someone and they are caught off guard and thinking what is this girl on. But see I think really fast too so I am trying to talk as the thoughts are racing though my mind. Very hard for me to slow them down, but I can if I am reminded. And I might need to be reminded several times during a conversation. and as far as people thinking you are using YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT and that is all that matters right now! I would think- it is so very difficult to stay off medication so you shouldn't have to go around proving you are clean if you are. I would try and not let the sat talking bother you... Things could be a lot worse. Like I said just mention it in the beginning and people have never thought I was "crazy" or "weird" or on something. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE THAT WILL SUPPORT YOU NOT ACCUSE YOU OF USING! When it is such a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT NOT TO USE... Good luck!!!

I don't think people have really made fun of me...,maybe more in a joking way TO SLOW DOWN!!!! That NO ONE can understand me. And I still talk fast but again I don't think my family still think I am using because I might still talk fast but I am NOT staying up all night nor am I organizing stuff etc. Who is making fun of you and are they doing it to be mean?

Hey Buddha Girl- I am not sure if this is what you are asking or of this will help. I used adderall for about 15 years. I quit may 2013. But I know when I first starting taking adderall I felt like my brain S-L-O-W-E-D so therefore my thoughts did to. But I have always talked fast pre-adderall, while on adderall and from what i am told I STILL talk fast. I NEVER realized that I was talking fast, it seemed normal to me because thoughts were ALWAYS spinning in my head so fast that I don't know I just that I was talking at a normal rate like everyone else. I leave in the south and people down here in general it seems to talk really slow. So since I had been told so many times to slow down and really my family or close friends can understand the way I talk. Which is so weird because I think it is not fast. Anyway so now when I am talking to someone I don't know and I need to commute with them say about some project for my house or whatever. I go ahead and tell them ahead of time that I have been told that I talk fast and I don't realize i am doing it so if they can't understand me just remind me to slow down. And usually that all it takes is someone reminding me. So you can't recall if you had thoughts racing in your head before you started taking adderall?

WOW I am just speechless!!!!! I spend so much time alone "in my head- with my thoughts" and at the time I feel that no one could understand what I am feeling like.... What it feels like to crave something so bad...even though you know it ONLY WILL CAUSE YOU PROBLEMS. Even though I haven't given in to those stong urges I truly think it is because I get STRENGH FROM ALL OF YOU GUYS!!!! And that strength is what I need to stay strong and NOT GIVE IN TO THOSE URGES! when I am thinking that NO ONE could ever understand what this feels like.... Then I come across a thread proves otherwise.

Sebastian I was diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, and ADHD all at the same time gosh a long time ago. lol But I have ALWAYS been bad about not taken my antidepressants because i believe taking adderall kept me up and was masking my depression. So when I finally quit. of course i was EXTREMELY TIRED as i should be because i was so sleep deprived after taking it for about 15 years and abusing adderall for the last 6 or 7. But I really couldn't seem to get out of bed for months and felt just really depressed. At first my doctor wanted me to start taking wellbutrin like I had been prescribed for years but never really did take. I am bad about taking any medication that it doesn't work within the hour - but I thought heck I will give it a try. So my husband would give it to me before he went to work EVERYDAY FOR A MONTH. I was still feeling depressed. i didn't realize this was depression. because I had some days that I actually felt better. I was able to get out of bed, get dressed, go to the grocery store, make dinner, hahaha I know small things but yeah gotta take what you can you know. Then it was like I hit a brick wall around christmas crying for no reason, didn't want to get out of bed, etc... my husband wanted and insisted I call my doctor and tell him I was having a "major depressive episode" so I did. He said that he thought I would benefit and would start to feel as if a burden was being lifted if i tired something like lexapro. I said ok. I ask him how long before i could tell a difference because i didn't know if I could continue to wait for several weeks to feel better. he said I should notice by the following week. that i would start doing things that i was currently now unable to do. and he was RIGHT!!! BUT NOW I have to remember now that i am feeling better. that I can not and should not stop taking my antidepressants - which i have before i the past because in my mind i think oh i am feeling better i DO NOT NEED TO TAKE THESE ANY MORE. only to quickly go back into depression again. I must remind myself the REASON I AM FEELING BETTER is because the antidepressants are WORKING - THEY ARE DOING THEIR "JOB". THERE ARE NO SIDE EFFECTS. SORRY I KNOW THAT ANSWER WAS REALLY LONG..... but i am in one of those rambling kind of moods i guess. haha I hope this helps!

My husband is an ophthalmologist (eye doctor). Not to be confused with optometrist... haha. Just kidding. It is just a pet peeve of ophthalmologist, like my husband, not to be called optometrist (most people don't know the difference- I didn't until I married one) but ophthalmologist are actually medical doctors that attended medical school. Gosh I keep going around the world to get to my point sorry....but I think I can speak for my husband and I will ask him tomorrow to get his opinion and what he thinks the consensus is among other physicians in general. But I am guessing he would think if adderall is given to treat someone that truly does have ADD/ADHD or narcolepsy etc. And it is monitored and the patient takes the medication AS PRESCRIBED. and takes frequent "adderall vacations". That this medication CAN IMPROVE the quality of life for MANY people. There are MANY other things that ALSO put others at risk for dangerous health problems for example...eating to much sugar and drinking to many soft drinks one increases their chances of becoming a diabetic. Etc...

I am sure I got off topic I am using my iPhone and still very much ADHD and will probably need to re-read your post from my computer tomorrow to make sure I understood and didn't just go off in another direction. Which is ENTIRELY possible. Lol

I'm not going to sugar coat it and say it is easy. EVERYDAY I still struggle... I still wake up thinking about it and continue to many many times thoughout the day. I took adderall for around 15 years. And for the last 6 or 7 I was "abusing adderall". My tolerence after taking it for that long had become very high. It consumed my life. I could not even get out of bed without first taking at least 2 20 mg adderall EVERYDAY and would continue to take another 2 every couple of hours though out the day. I thought that it I NEEDED ADDERALL to do ______ (fill in the blank). So that continues to be a daily struggle for me, but I NOW I AM FINALLY having days that my mind is not consumed with thinking about adderall and those days I relish I have a feeling they will continue. So my motivation is my family and if I want to save my marriage and have a relationship with my sons. It appeared to many people in my small town that I "had it together". My husband is a physician, I was the soccer mom and very active in the community. BUT FOR ME I COULD ONLY FOOL MYSELF & everyone else for so long!!! I now get my strength from the people on here and my family. And just had to face the fact that if people think less of me whatever that is fine. I am not living my life to impress them. In fact looking back now that my head is clear now, I truly believe that I would no long be living RIGHT NOW at the rate I was going. I think I would have had a stroke (I was starting to feel tingle sensation in my hands, arms, toes, and legs. Of course I never told anyone because I didn't want to get off adderall and I didn't care if something happened to me or not- and just other irrational thinking that was putting myself in danger of self harm BUT I COULD NOT SEE IT AT THE TIME) Geez I am sorry I am sure I got sooooo off topic. haha

Lucky I was EXTREMELY blessed when my son NOW a freshman in college as a pre-med major. He also graduated high school with High Honors and scored extremely well on his ACT. (I have am "BRAGGING" to make a point- I promise. Lol) But he was diagnosed or noticed that he might needed to be tested in the 3rd grade. His was more "distractibility" like watching what was going on out the window, taking test he would skip around say like answer question 1, 3, 5, 7, 9 etc but would just skip/overlook other questions/math problems not because he didn't know he just was all over the place. Anyway.... at that times he was attending a small private school and the principal was WONDERFUL!!! She happen to notice herself the things my son was doing- because she to had a now grown son that had been diagnosed with ADD in elementary school as well. And she DRILLED IN TO ME HIS "RIGHTS" as a child with diagnosed with ADHD/ADD that, my son, had a RIGHT for accommodations. You probably are aware of this but I REALLY THINK and I will look and refresh my memory what schools are legally obligated to do for your son. And it REALLY SOUNDS THEY ARE NOT MAKING AVAILABLE RESOURCES THAT ARE suppose to be in place for students. Seriously I can not tell you how many times she reminded me of my sons rights and for me to advocate for him when I needed to. I even remember her telling me that EVEN when he went to took the ACT/SAT for college, like extended time, a classroom with only a few people so fewer distractions etc...which at the time I thought that was FOREVER away. But it happened very quickly anyway.... My son now in retrospect he says - now that he is older and looking back to when he was in the 3rd grade had his principal and teacher had not noticed it and he would have "slipped though the cracks". He said without a doubt he would NOT have been able to graduate with honors and hopes of being a doctor would have been impossible. He said he would have started making bad grades, he said which would have made feel like something was wrong with him causing him to confidence and and not believe in himself. ok that was long but I really think you and I am going to as well to see what his rights are.

AnonymousGirl I agree with Justin's suggestion but also would like to anwser or at least ask you a question You stated "so my question is... what do you do when, you know something is so bad for you in the long run, but so good for you in the short of it?" From reading your post- I have a question for you. Has adderall been REALLY been good for you "in the short of it?" Just from reading your post it seems to me that adderall is NOT even being good for you NOW... nor was it when you tried to quick two years ago. You obviously realize this at some level or I don't think you would have reached out for help to quit two years ago and AGAIN now. Again this is what you stated in your post earlier. THESE ARE YOUR WORDS: "I feel cold, numb, and not alive and unable to really care to make genuine relationships with people, because i am so selfish and so focused on myself." "The negative effects are starting to catch up with me again. I can't go through life on this up and down spiral of... crashing and sleeping for days to replenish my body, then waking up one day and taking them again and on a strenuous quest to find whatever it is i am trying to find in this life... only to be running in circles. "But i do know, i would love to have the light in my eyes back.. and be able to live a meaningful life with a love and kids, which i doubt would happen if i continue to take it.. considering i distance myself from EVERYONE while on it." And I know for myself those are some of the very things that I WANTED DESPERATELY to get back in my own life. Among other things in my life I had let spiral OUT OF CONTROL! And I have been married for 22 years to my wonderful husband and have two grown teenage sons. But I it took me hitting ROCK BOTTOM and almost losing them. Because of the "crazy" things I would to while tweaking out on adderall. I COULD NOT see it at the time and would have ARGUED and DENIED that I didn't "have it together" if anyone would have EVER said anything to me, and they didn't because I was very good for a very LONG time at hiding my adderall abuse. But EVENTUALLY I couldn't. And came I don't know I never "thought" I had a problem, but then suddenly had a realvation that gosh MAYBE adderall was behind my personality change..etc. And when I REALIZED THAT on my own ( because i am sure my family knew I would never quit unless it was my idea) and handed over my medication bottle and my remaining pre-dated scripts to all 3 of them. I knew it would not be easy... and it hasn't. I quit at the end of May 2013. and even though I am still expericing extreme fatique and feel like I am "sloppy" and not as put together as i was on adderall. I have develeped the attitude that for "RIGHT NOW" that's ok. I do not accomplish nor am i productive as I was while on adderall. But i lost myself in the process. I am FINALLY finding myself again. The "light" has returned to my eyes which was gone. I am sure because I would stay up for days at a time then CRASH. My husband said he can not remember me laughing like I do now in sooo many years. I still have strong CRAVINGS- But I realize they will pass it is my mind trying to "tell me lies" about why I need adderall, I have to REMIND myself and have a list I keep on my iphone of all the negative things adderall caused in my life. One last thing I also suffer from depression but of course adderall masked my depression so when i came off. I didnt realize until just maybe LAST month from reading threads on this forum that OMG that is probably what I was experiencing. And called my doctor and started an anti-depressant and WOW what a difference it has made. But what I am I am thankful for EVERYDAY is this site and the people on here. I did not find this site until after 6 months after I had quit. those were 6 VERY LONELY months. Not that I would wish this on my worse enemy but the support and encouagement I have received on here. and KNOWING that I am NOT ALONE is truly a God-sent. I wish you luck and know that you are not alone.

Hey Lucky... I have sooo many things I want to hear about what's go on with you and will probably sent you a pm so we can caught up. But i will try and stay on topic for this post. NOT that I have ANY answers that I am sure you have not already thought of. So obviously it is NOT an option for your husband to help with his medication either. I hate that it didn't work out with your teenage son. I remember a while back when you were hoping that would possible be a option. So the school as a policy that they CAN NOT distribute ANY medication even with the parents consent? I am sure it is not only different according to what state you live in but I am sure it is also different by different school policies. I know when my son was younger he did not like "swallowing" a pill. And would be sooooo DRAMATIC in the morning before taking him to school. I would just take his medication and let them give him his morning dose and of course he would need to take another dose after lunch so they would also give him his medication there. And he did not THROW a fit at school like he would at home. And of course he has NEVER taken it on the weekends, summer or any breaks when he wasn't in school. And now that he is college he still does not take takes less that half of what he script is written and told me recently - even now he is a pre-med student in college. He even makes sure he takes breaks during the week as well. He has said he has done extensive reading about adderall... etc. And was explaining it to me in a way that was way over my head as far as how it really works with someone that does have ADD. But he knows and is vigilant about not letting a tolerance build but and unfortunately he has seen the what adderall ABUSE can do first hand. Sorry lost where I was going but my point being so if you work at the same school. And that was my understanding and I COULD be wrong. So again could you clarify if it is a school policy NOT to distribute medication. EVEN though as you have mentioned before his teachers prefer him to be on it during school and are also able to see the POSITIVE effect it is having on his grades, school work, but I am sure they are able to see how it a improving his self confidence, etc. I realized you said he needs to take 60 mins before he goes to school, but if you work at that same school I would assume you would need to be there before students arrive and let's say they CAN distribute medication and he has to take RIGHT when he gets there. And it might take "a little while" before it starts to work but at least he is able to have most of his school day with it instead of not ANY. Or I believe one time you mentioned you had a good friend of yours that also worked at the school as well and knew about your desire to quit taking adderall maybe you could get her if she is at the school to give it to your son for you. And if she is a good friend that has been very supportive and wants to help you. Maybe she would be willing to even pick it up from the pharmacy for you so that way you would NOT even have to see it. Because I know "seeing" a full bottle of those peach colored pills would/will can start me my mind wanting and trying to justify well you know. So my son and my husband both realized that was NOT FAIR and could see how that created temptation so now my husband picks up my sons medication and sends it to him at school. Even though some days I feel strong enough and it doesn't bother me and I would never take "his medication" but it can start cravings just to SEE A FULL BOTTLE. Anyway not sure if any of that makes sense, as you know from our PM I tend to ramble and can sometimes be hard to follow. I am still VERY MUCH ADHD! But I have decided that's OK!

Way to go sweetcarolinee!!!! is the first time you have worked on your esty stuff (not really what kind of work you do- sorry) without adderall? Just wondering... I use to play around with photography but ever since I quick taking adderall I really haven't been into much. I just get overwhelmed whenever I go into my studio/office with all my little piles. i actually spent so much time on adderall I just look around and it is sooo weird the things I decided to organize. anyway again just curious and hoping you would inspire me with your enthusiasm... which I always find encouraging.

Lucky I have been thinking about you a lot and had a feeling you were in a bad place you know you can PM ANY TIME!!! You have so many people just on this site rooting for you. Not judging you... And we all understand. Like jay said you obviously want to get help. Or you wouldn't be posting. So keep moving forward... even if it seems very slow.... At least it is FORWARD!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! We are rooting for you. You have taken several steps in the right direction... By seeking support here, finding a therapist, who seems all ready have given you assisments. I am sure it wasn't easy, or I don't think it would be for me to have to face some of things I had rather forget while I was abusing adderall but you are doing your assume the and next week he will you work though that stuff. (I guess) I have never had therapy- could use it I am sure. But I have been to frightened to take that first step in dealing with it besides on this AWESOME forum. again you are in my thoughts and prayers (((hugs))))

Way to go Jay!!!! you are moving right along!!!

Jay - That's wonderful!!!! You are doing GREAT!!!!

Congrats jay!!!! you are doing GREAT!!!

wow lucky! you should be so proud of yourself what a HUGE step you have made!!!! I am like Ashley and have never heard of walking/hiking therapy. I know you will keep us posted. And I am sitting smiling as. I type this thinking how happy that I am that you did NOT give up... You keep trying and now it sounds like with the help if a therapist that has ALREADY given you assisgnments then you are on the right track! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!! (((Hugs)))

lucky you are making process. GOOD for you!!!

AWESOME!!!!!!! Congratulations on both your accomplishments that must be a GREAT feeling!!!! I am genuinely SO HAPPY for you!!!! and thank you again for encouragement and support! it has helped more than you could ever know!

Tinybudda, I just had my first "social event" without adderall a couple of weeks ago. And of course even though there was going to be people there I liked. There were also going to be people a this event that I did not feel comfortable around. I am extremely shy by nature. And have had social anxiety my entire life. But of course on adderall I like you became very social. So I know that feeling of DREAD and overwhelming anxiety. Try to put on some your favorite tunes. That helped me from my mind thinking about all the "what if's". or I don't even know your mind can take you anywhere IF YOU LET IT!!! When I noticed my mind was started to go there- to somewhere in the future that has even happened it was ONLY IN MY MIND" I would then direct all my attention to whatever I was doing getting dressed... Playing with my dogs.... etc... of course I did up having a totally crying melt down and having to call my dad - so I let my mind WIN!!! But guess what I ended up having a GREAT TIME!!!! When I got home and still even now I think I don't know why I FREAKED OUT!!!! But hahaha I am sure come the next time I have to attend an social function I will be on here expressing the same feelings you are having. So EASIER SAID THEN DONE!!! but I will be thinking about you and sending good and positive vibes your way. I truly believe you are going to feel and be able to connect with you friends in a way in which you could not while on adderall! ENJOY!!!!

I was just wondering if anyone has ever come across any adderall they had stashed away and forgot about. Well I was waiting for that to happen to me because I was always "hiding" a few pills here and there so no one would take them. Not sure who I thought would but anyway. Well this morning I came across for the first stash. I have not had the desire to look for them and would not have found them unless they were in my bed or on my couch since that is basically where I have spent the majority of my time of the past 8 months. But this morning I was looking for something in my one of my make up drawers and opened a random makeup container it no longer had make up inside but several round orange pills. Five to be exact. I felt a huge lump in my throat. I have had to pick up my son's adderall and send to him at college. (Which as a side note after watching me most of his life on speed and being a pre-med major and is someone that truly benefits from adderall- like he didn't take one the entire 5 weeks he was home on winter break- NEVER takes it to go out and party and I really only have to send him is script ever other month because he only takes for class and doesn't even want other students to know he takes so he won't be put in the the position of them asking for it etc... NOT SURE WHY I FELT LIKE I NEEDED TO EXPLAIN THAT BUT ANYWAY...) Gosh I really lost my train of thought -dang ADHD. ok soooo here I am ALONE with 5 adderall that NO ONE knows I have. Hmmmm This is the test - because of course I have tons of stuff I KNOW I could knock out. But I also know I would wake up "Mr. Hyde" so before I give myself to much time to think about it. I call my husband and tell him. So that when he comes home I can give them to him. I KNOW once I start to be able to do more around my house this will happen again. Like I said I was always stashing them in the strangest places. Of course I would forget immediately. I can't remember how many times I would hide my entire bottle and then get so upset thinking someone took it. Later to come across it and remember placing it there. I don't miss those FREAK OUTS!!!!

Justin -GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! It sounds like it is a vacation much needed!!!! I hope you are able to "stay in the moment" while you are there. If that makes sense sometimes I have to remind myself not to think about what I need to do when I get back home etc. AND JUST BE THERE. And try MY BEST to clear my head of thoughts if only for a few seconds. Hard for us with ADHD (bouncing brain syndrome- is sometimes what I call it) I KNOW YOU are EXCITED and I am EXCITED for you!!!!