Freedom's Wings

Em, I replied to you earlier through my email, not sure what happened to the response however. Hope I didn't send it to to some random person lol. Anyway, I don't have much time to chat at the present moment but I would like to say, thank you removing that portion of your article, no hard feelings here. As I said earlier we on this site all share a common demon, and I am sure many other similarities than we do differences. Thus it's good to get to know people for who they are and not by their shade. And although I have got to run, like I said earlier we are basically neighbors geographically speaking, perhaps we may be of great support or otherwise to one another.. I am not opposed to starting a Quitting Adderall group in the Metro area, if I can find others interested in doing so. Feel free to message me anytime. F.WiNGZ...

Greetings, I stumbled upon your story while sifting through my daily emails. Although I have been on this site for a short while as of lately I do not frequent much, but I do read the emails that come to my phone. Upon reading that you are from Michigan, like myself, and seemingly not far from where I live in Rochester Hills, I was immediately intrigued and felt like not only do I totally know what you must be going through but I thought that I'd possibly like to know more about your story, considering that maybe we might be of some support to one another. Then you said something so ignorant that I was forced to log in after honestly not signing in for at least a few months. And that statement was calling most black people "ignorant!" While I wholeheartedly believe in free speech, not only am I an African American, but I am farrr from ignorant! I do not believe that this is what this site is all about, I will personally be taking my concerns to Mike. We are here to support one another, not talk about how F'd up we are, then have the gall to call a majority of ANY particular group "ignorant." Just my 2 cents at this juncture. On the other hand, nonetheless, I wish you well in your recovery, but you might try getting "yourself" together first & broadening your mindset/cultural awareness before taking special time out of your day to crap all over someone else. Good day to you. F. Wings

B.D, Calm down. Take a deep breath. Now, ur not going to die but if u continue along this path u are slowly killing ur self. My journey with this horrible drug has lasted six years, the last three of which I abused. I have been struggling with freeing myself from the grip of this drug for the last year, I can't say that I've succeeded. But I haven't failed either. Ive found what Ive done over this last year is use/ not use. Not using for longer lengths than I have ever since starting the drug. While i can't wait to be fully free from this nightmare, I am also proud of my achievements and the giant strides I've taken to rid myself of thse pills. I won't give up on myself. Don't you either. My breaking point sounds pretty close to where u are right now. Taking way too much, freaking out, thinking I was gonna die. I even went to the hospital a few times. Also, that seemed to be around the same time, I began to realize how adderall had wrecked havoc on my life, personality, and relationships. So I would have to say it was a mixture of things, situations, and emotions that led me to this site and ultimately the realization that this/ my lifestyle /love affair with adderall was not sustainable. Then I knew it would be me or the drug.

Thank-you InRecovery. yes, I am still hanging in there. I have slipped up twice but have pretty much been on the straight and narrow. 6months of clean time will be a great achievement... wish me blessed. I Hope all is well my friend. til then... FW

Cpx, Lovelivelearn, Greetings where have you been all my Highs...I mean life lol. Tx for responding, both of you guys seem pretty close. I live in Rochester Hills. What do you have in mind? We can take turns meeting in each others areas...perhaps @ a starbucks or barnes N noble.. My home is also a possibility. Anywhoo looking forward to hearing from you guys and any others that may be interested. Lets beat this thing together. F.W.

Cassie, Tx for the advice. I have a netflix account. Now I'm thinking I may check and see if they have any on there before I go to an actual Yoga studio. FW

Ash, GOod for you. I have been taking welbutrin as a counter since ending my love affair with addy. I plan to take it for hopefully no more than a year or so just to help me slowly begin rebalancing things mainly my head, emotions.. Let me kno how the Lexapro works out for you.

ah..yes I was once prescribed Klonopin for anxiety after the whole adderall bug took hold . I didnt take it for long tho. Has anyone tried taking low dosages of melatonin to aid with sleeping? You can buy it for pretty cheap at the local Walgreens, Riteaid, etc... it totally works for me and I was once on some pretty heavy duty sleeping aids...ie seraquil. I no longer take that and the transition was pretty easy too. Now I only take 10mg or less of melatonin before bed and I have been sleeping like a baby for the last month and a half... Anywhoo hope this helps...someone, anyone lol. FW

Thumbs, I didnt say I was focused on doing the poses right. I said I was SO focused that It enabled me to do the poses right. 2 different things altogether. Either way I wasn't focused naturally, I hadn't naturally changed my OWN pattern of thinking and/or being....which Is my impression of what the class is all about. What I thought was me, wasn't and How present I felt I was being at that moment for me in hindsight I now recognize as being captivated by the "high," shackled by the allure of awe. Still, we all are different and have our own story. I wish you and whatever choices suit you the very best. Also, Yoga wasn't what hindered my breathing. Overtime I came to notice from that time to time I would be holding my breath regardless of what I was doing whenever I took my adderall and found myself super entrenched in hyper focus mode. I would only notice this after "snapping back into it " once realizing I had been tuned/zoned/tweeked.. out for a sec...or few moments. Nonetheless, I very much look forward to attempting yoga class once again, and this time off of adderall and of my own focus. In any event IF you do find your way back to this site, may it be in good health and of good spirits. F.W

Edie, Your post hits home for me. Finding or attempting to find yourself while in and/or feeling obligated to a relationship is the creeps. I am sort of in the same boat...not married however. My partner seems to be understanding at this juncture, but how long does patience take to wear thin is a daily nattering rumbling thru the back of my brain. Hope it all works out for the best for you and I. My belief is that the heart has a mind of its own, and it will only let you lie but for so long...so in the end things will be as they were meant, and thus will ultimately look up in either direction, but, dealing with the guilt and shame of those ramifications however is another hill to climb. Touche' I suppose. FW

No. I haven't... but plan to... post adderall that is. Ok so the funniest thing right, I.... actually WENT to a yoga class while tweaked out ON adderall. Needless to say.... yeah ok so... Yoga is not the place to be all yiked up on those pretty little persimmon "speed"ing bullets. Allow me to illustrate, during the class, I was so nervous and tense omg its hilarious looking back, now anyway! If anyone has ever seen the movie white chicks...cut to the scene where the black guy was incredibly high on the dance floor dancing like he was directing traffic while blowing a whistle that hung from his neck. Now cut and superimpose me into the role, except, change the setting into a yoga class and there you have my supposed to be calm and serene experience with Namaste Yoga while all doped up on adderall. Still, If its any constellation.. at the time I thought I did wonderful! I was so focused that my poses were impeccable....although I am sure I forgot to breathe the entire time lmao..smh, oh The insanity of adderall. *tehehe*

Cassie, Thankyou. This gives me hope. For I have come a longgg way yet so far I have to go. F.W.

Don't have much to add at the moment just here wishing you encouragement. Feelings of inadequacy rise within us all via the human experience... and Adderall may seem to insinuate that one is not of this species by stripping he/she of his/her innate and instinctual emotions, thought processes, and reactions. This directive can make one feel powerful and even unstoppable.. But this epiphany is not true, it is not real and it does not last! Although pride among other things make this drug insatiably tempting, if ever you are to truly live a happy and well balanced existence you must know and remember that You and YOU alone ARE good enough. Adderall needs YOU to thrive, not the other way around. Stay strong!! F.W.

Love both of these songsss omg gettin the workout bug just reading this post. put it on rotation and sweat it outtt!! FW

My heart goes out to you. FW

Here for encouragement, seconding the "here here" to both the preceding replies. Be extremely cautious, careful is not enough...and honestly neither is caution! Not only are you playing with fire but hell's fury once you've become engulfed into this world. I truly wish you well and good health my friend along with due diligence. FW

Kathleen, Don't I know the feeling all to well. Adderall makes pain feel 10x worse, add that to the feeling that no one truly and honestly could give a smooth fart and you feel 20x worst...all emotions then only further intensified by adderall and its effects ie guilt, shame etc. Its a vicious cycle. Hang in there! While in the deepest clutches dealing with the madness of this drug, I went thru a horribly awful break-up that I still emotionally and mentally struggle with. I felt nearly dead and wanted to die. And although I am farrrr from in the clear some time has passed since then and I realize how toxic that ENTIRE period of my life had become. I was a mess and everything I came into contact with was and would be a complete and total mess. You are strong and will overcome this. When no one else gives a rats arse remember we are unique bunch of creative individuals and we indeed have each other when no one else "gets it" or they have grown past the point of caring to. We care and you are worth it. I'll keep you and your recovery in my prayers. Blessingz FW

Whittering, Inrecovery, Thank you for your response, so very much needed. I am still in great fear due to the lack of overall rhythm, it's like my internal clocks are out of wack, and this does I believe include the music aspect as well. I will be vigilant and try my best to wait it out, but my sleep sucks and everything along with it is just plain too quirky to make any sense of. Heather, that is a great quote, it very much hits home for me. This road is sooooooo long and tedious. I will continue to keep my head held high, lack of motivation, memory, abilities, and all. But I pray GOD speeds as these days are indeed lingering, and the whole "woe is me" vibe I feel is truly unbecoming.I used to be so strong and confident prior to adderall. Now I feel almost less than average with a strong desire to feel as if I fit in with the crowd, which I HATE feeling! I NEVER wanted to fit in with the crowd! I guess I just always wanted them to know that I was more than worthy and capable of fitting in, but now It's almost as if I seek their approval in every endeavor from the moment I wake. It's like other peoples opinions, body language, moods,etc (strangers included) in general have become my checks and balance system. The major problem with that is all of the mixed signals I read, if, I am even reading them accurately. I don't know... this entire situation is all just extremely daunting. You guys are truly my only sense of grounding and real support at the moment. And, it does indeed hurt to feel so all alone in my day to day, but I am sure glad as hell to have you!-unsure where I might be without you. Inrecovery, thank you for placing the light on my recovery first, its so damn easy to want to pick up where you left off and just run with it, which in this case is clearly not the standard, not at this measure anyway. I guess it's just that I get so bored and overwhelmed with focusing on recovery, intermittently I seek some respite, just longing to feel normal, passionate, and confident about life again- minus the superficiality and grand stature. I just want to like me again and to know me again for that matter. -Freedom gives you Wingszsss.

Since quitting adderall has anyone noticed the inability to process musical rhythms or rhythmic abilities period?? Ive always written music (lyrics over beats) and as with many others during my long stint on adderall. I got all doped up on writing music over beats/rhythms and recording. It seems, however, post adderall, I am unable to grasp the notion of rhythm to write anything that even resembles having a meter,or tempo, as well Ive noticed a substantial decrease in my ability to write overall. Still, the music/ lack of rhythm is of high concern. While on adderall I became a writaholic. Not only am I very concerned with my mental cognition, working memory, and writing abilities, but, I feel like I've lost my sense of overall rhythm including musically and even at times while talking/walking, I feel off-beat and out of balance so to speak. I feel like there is no rhythm in my step/stride. I'm terrified something may be extremely wrong as I have been clear and free of adderall for almost 2 months with no real improvements in these areas.I also tend to get hung up on my words and repeat myself more often. Help please and thank you for any feedback. GodSpeed! F.Wings

Since quitting adderall has anyone noticed the inability to process musical rhythm, or rhythmic abilities?? Ive always written music (lyrics over beats), and as with many others during my long stint on adderall, I got all doped up on writing music over beats/rhythms,and recording. It seems, however, post adderall, I am unable to grasp the notion of rhythm to write anything that even resembles having a meter,or tempo, as well Ive noticed a substantial decrease in my ability to write overall, still the music/ lack of rhythm is of high concern. While on adderall I became a writaholic. Not only am I very concerned with my mental cognition, working memory, and writing abilities, but, I feel like I've lost my sense of overall rhythm, musically,and even at times when talking, I feel off-beat and out of balance so to speak.I feel like there is no rhythm in my step/stride. I'm terrified something may be extremely wrong as I have been clear and free of adderall for almost 2 months with no real improvements in these areas.I also tend to get hung up on my words and repeat myself more often. Help please and thank you for any feedback. GodSpeed! F.Wings

Fight. This, Not long for words at the moment, but I wanted to wish you peace and progress and say just a few things. First of all, just take a deep breath, not that shallow breath you've probably grown accustomed to taking while on adderall, where you literally almost forget to breathe because your so damned hyper-focused. Pause for a second, believe me I know it's hard, and Take a deeeeep breath. I would first like to let you know that you've come to the right place, and everyone on this site, give or take their own saga, knows all to well what you are going through. Personally I love liberal arts and although I am currently a business major, after obtaining a degree in Business, I would love to achieve a degree in liberal arts. As a matter of fact, I have already looked in to it, and Yes, I have read here and there that it is not a very applicable degree, then opposite of that, I have heard great success stories and how such a well diversified degree prepares you for the career of your choice. What you may need to do at this point is some major reassessing...soul searching, If you will, and this indeed is a process that is not measured overnight. I am only almost 2months "drug" free for the grips of that horrible soul stealing monster, and It is a daily, hourly struggle, I am still lost! But, happy to once again be free from the shackles of adderall and of my own will, even if I don't have much, if any,of that will at the moment. Also, I have had to except that its either suffer the consequences of my actions, being well aware, or make the necessary changes to my life that will enable me a better, brighter future. I have chosen, being a student like you, to cut my course schedule down to 1 or 2 courses simply because I knew for myself the lifestyle I was living wasn't sustainable at the rate I was going and it was just a matter of time before I bottomed out completely,regardless.Either way.. Give it some thought. Prior to deciding to go to school part-time at the moment, I also took a couple semesters off, to just assess where my head was at and readjust my sails. If this is not an option for you you may ultimately have to decide which is more important your sanity, mental, physical, and spiritual health and your well being or your grades. I am confident I will recapture my spark, lighting in a bottle if you will, even though honestly I feel utterly like shit right now, even this feeling is better than being a slave to adderall. Well I cant stay long, but I'd also like to add, there are many people on this site with a lot more clean time than I, that are very helpful with their stories and person to person motivation. So keep coming back, get linked in, and you will find moreso than not that your life is not over, and you are most definitely not alone...here, for all of our differences we are very much the same. You can do it, Don't give up, and remember when you have reached your lowest... at least...From the bottom, there's nowhere to go, but up! F.Wings

In recovery, Wow, I did and do feel pressure in the back of the head neck region. Glad to know its not just me. And, also, I totally relate with everything thing being said on here including the dreams...it's eerily crazy.

That makes a lot of sense ddubois. Ya...I got to a point where I would be shit-face blasted off adderall Im talking like 13 30mg xr in a day blasted...and all just to feel normal. I began to recognize that although I was taking an extremely high dosage...The affect it had over me was strictly consequential.I was taking it, just to hold a friggin' conversation!! such an un-pretty sight and unhappy times...

Mj1359, Find a new doctor, tell him/her your issues up front. Tell them the story you just told us.Tell them you cant be trusted with adderall, that it has grown much past the point of return or any rational control. Tell them you need help that can not be provided for with a pill and then ask them if they can help and what are your options. tell them you are asking them to see you as one of their own, their child or something, anything other than just a patient. Sounds drastic, i know but drastic times call for drastic measures. and if not now then when? You're going to have to take the first step which is ALWAYS the hardest, thus expect it to be. However, it does get easier, you can no longer afford to carry all the mental, physical,emotional and spiritual torture and taxing all on your own. and 1 good person in support of your recovery is better than 10 others just standing around watching you decline, and/or then writing you off as crazy or as a casualty of war. War being the money they all make from this crap! You gotta find a way to take a stand for yourself and mean it, This is first and most important step. everything else comes thereafter. Keep coming to this site, for people like us or in our situation, the camaraderie is invaluable. You can do it, Praying for you. Be well until next time. Wingzzzz

Interesting. Movie made my neck hairs singe. loved it, it sucked. Yep, kind of like my experience with adderall. -Wingzzzz