Freedom's Wings
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Posts posted by Freedom's Wings
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Hey, still looking for a voice?? It's been almost six months since you posted this, but, If you need someone's (unprofessional opinion) I'd be happy to voice mine. Til then toodles.
F.Wingz
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I am looking for women too, and I am not as picky as this journalist.
I am an employed white male in my mid forties. 5'9; 175 lbs. Long hair. Never married. Have dog. Hate kids.
And I have been adderall-free for almost a year.
Interested? please send me a P.M. via this website!
lol @ quit-once
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Are you saying and start the quitting process this summer or are you saying to just not take it during the summer but you plan to resume in the fall?
F.Wingz
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Greetings Ashley,
I completely understand, more than I would or could ever wish to. Adderall is a beautiful, ugly, evil drug. It is soooo hard to "get real" again after life on adderall, especially with the amount of time we spent on it. still, I have confidence that we will fully overcome. stick it out!! You can do it!!This indeed is the fight of our lives, for our lives. I get extreme social anxiety, and even more so when I have to be around people I know or that know me well, don't know what that is all about but, family is most definitely a high trigger point. I am actually happy,not in the true sense of course, but to see that I am not the only one who weirds out in these types of situations- post adderall.
My initial thinking was...I must be losing it or have lost it already, I've known most of these people my entire life!! But that's what adderall does to you. You forget who you are, were, and everything else that ever made sense for that matter. Friends and family become strangers, because we've lost ourselves. What is the expressing of emotions now at a family get-together but some anxious/awkward moment?? It really does suck major. Does anyone in you're family know what you are going through? or has anyone said or noticed anything different about you?? Do you find fear expecting that they might?? I've told my mom finally,and although we've never had a peachy keen relationship, it did relieve some of the embarrassment, though it initially caused embarrassment to tell her. I'm glad that I actually did. I don't talk about it with her, but I'm glad she knows. I am extremely proud of you for going at it sober, that is so major.
Although, I've only been clean a short while, I actually went to the last few family events sober...I guess testing the un-spiked waters.-Not the greatest experiences to say the least- but, I'm sure it was more or all a me thing for that matter- pure anxiety poured through me, but, I pulled it off and will continue to go at it sober until I again remember; Hey,these are my family members and they love me.That's all that ever made sense before, give or take the normal family squabble. And there's no reason for that not to make sense now.
How am I?? hmmm...Recovery is so fickle!!! I can't wait to recover from recovery as I heard someone say on here; It's kind of like the post recovery stage. You're still recovering but, no longer hyper-focused on trying to recover.
That's how I'm doing. I'm up/ I'm down...Ready to have my life back, but I can't cause all I have the brain power to do is focus on recovery and not relapsing. It's draining, and a little over a month sober, I'm already over the process. Nonetheless, knowing it's a process I persevere. Lol, that's all I got for the moment. Well...that, this site, people like you and faith, which is better than having nothing, as I did in the grips of my addiction, when all that mattered was popping another pill and faking it. Anyhow, I'll keep you posted. Take care, til next time. Keep me posted and Let me know how it goes with the family.
Peace be with you,
F.Wings
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LB,
Very Profound. I never looked at it in that manner. Wow. That just gave me some extra gas to fight it out tomorrow, Thank you. Just reminding myself that I, not adderall, brought me here to this site, helps to remind me that I am still inside of me lurking, just waiting for the right time to resurface! I do greatly detest the whole hermit feeling, I used to be so outgoing. I hope that I do not always wish to run from society, but I totally get what you're saying. Thank you for the encouraging words. We will conquer this war!
Peace be with you, praying for your recovery.
Blessings,
F.Wings
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Whittering,
You are so more than welcome. Although, It's gonna get worse before it gets better, that's the nature of the beast. I feel your pain,and I wish I could take it from you because thats what it is, pain. And the moment you take a "happypill" only to realize that splash of temporary relief is nothing more than a back stabbing liar,you will then only be adding serious regret to the pain your trying to mask, which only continues the cycle. Though you may be down and out right now, you are free and of your own will. Be patient with yourself...getting to this point didn't take a day, getting out of it wont either. You are perfect in this moment, just stay here into the next.
As far as the weight, I completely understand where you're coming from. You may have gained a few pounds, but remember this is a process and each STEP you take is progress. Right now you're not going to have motivation to do anything, it's just NOT going to happen, you are going to have to force yourself to get that ball rolling, even if it's slowly or for a couple of minutes as a start. Go outside, get out of the house! that part is sooo important. Walk around the block just once and back; give yourself even a five minute "get active" time schedule where each day you force yourself to get active, turn it into a routine, then slowly increase the time. I actually went for a short jog today! and I am zip for motivation, but somehow I did it. And funny thing...as I know your struggles all to well...I am even more inspired by you today then I was before!! You can do it, will will overcome this. Please be vigilant and one day you and I will both look back at this phase of our lives like it was nothing more than a crazy night in Cancun. Blessings,Peace be with you.
F.Wings
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Ashley,
I just wanna say as a newbie to this site and quitting process, just keep persevering, you can do it and we are all rooting for you!! You were the first to respond to my cries a few days ago when I first signed on to this site, and just as you reminded me, here I am to remind you, it's worth it! and even more than that you're worth it!
You're In my Prayers,
F.WIngs
P.S. I picked up that supplement you recommended. Thanks.
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Jambo,
@InRecovery!
Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice. I especially Like the "I am no longer Captivated by time wasting projects" part. -so true. Though each day is different, I am soo0o0o glad I found this sight, I feel like Im picking up momentum!! Pray for me.
F.Wings
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@ Anna
Thank you for your input. Congrats on 2.5months drug free and good luck with law school! I am noticing slight differences thus far and have incorporated daily exercising into my regimen and also I just picked up a supplement recommended by another recoveree..-not a word?? -Lol. Anywhoo i am glad to hear that things continue to look up in your direction. Gives me hope. I gotta break this hold. I want to much out of life to not live it to the fullest.
F.Wings
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Hey there f2 or Femfreestyler,
I couldn't help but notice your name. Do you rap or do music??
Also, were you ever addicted or abusing addy and for how long, if you don't mind me asking?
Freedom's Wings
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Greetings,
Hello there, I'm kinda short for time, but I wanted just wanted to be a voice of encouragement, going through and knowing what you are experiencing. You can do it! Whatever you do,don't stop trying and never give up on the real and true you! You are worth it by grand design! I'm at 45 days clean- small victories.
-Freedom's Wings
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Hi Whittering,
Hang in there. You said you took Wellbutrin for 15 years too, so your brain may have been as dependent on that as is was on the Adderall. Maybe not as extreme, but dependent nonetheless. When you start screwing with your neurotransmitters your brain adapts and doesn't regulate them the same as it would naturally. None of these drugs have been studied long term either. Antidepressant (and amphetamine) trials last two months. Scientists aren't even sure how antidepressants work, let alone the long term effects.
So, maybe your brain is experiencing more changes than mine. Also, when I say I have more energy now, I don't mean that I'm bouncing off the walls like when I was high on Adderall. It's a more consistent, calmer energy throughout the day versus the ups and downs and nervous energy of Adderall. It feels more...human. And I still have good days and bad days where I feel depressed and lethargic, but they are becoming less and less. I think part of the reason is that I'm very militant about my diet and exercise. I don't eat fast food, I juice almost every day, etc. And I'm consistent with exercising every day, even if that just means walking around the block a couple times. It sounds like you're experiencing the exercise Catch-22: you're too tired to exercise but if you exercise you'd feel less tired. It's one of those things you just have to force yourself to start doing, then it becomes easier. Exercise and yoga have been key for me. Part of the reason I'm so militant with my habits is because I'm serious about never going back to Adderall. I relapsed before and I am determined not to again.
Maybe you can try a support group in your area. I recently went to a meeting of SMART Recovery - it's a secular recovery group. I really liked it. There were a lot of cool people and it wasn't focused on talking about drug use or God like the AA/NA crowd. It's a cognitive behavioral therapy model that aims to help you change your attitudes and thinking patterns so you can move on from your addictions and hangups. I was really impressed. You can check out their website to find a meeting near you. Anyway, just something else you might try. There are so many ways to alleviate depression without pills, so keep trying!
Cassie
Hey there Cassie,
That group you mentioned sounds kind of awesome; I like the concept. Do you happen to have the web address? I'd like to see if there is one in my area.
-Freedom's Wings
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Congrats on 163 days free and clear from the shackles of adderall!! As of now you are something like a hero in my eyes, I cant wait to post up numbers like those!-45 days clean here. You may not know my story but, in brief, I've taken adderall for 5 1/2years abused for 2.5 of those years, the latter part. Just recently I was prescribed Welbutrin, been taking it for a few months now. I don't personally notice anything with the drug!? It's either that, or I'm so acclimated to the "waiting for the buzz" to kick in effect that my tolerance is to high to notice such menial neuro-shifts. Either way, I don't plan to stay on the Welbutrin lifelong, just until I feel a little more stable from within. My two cent's would be If you have managed to kick them both then, let bygones be and weather the storm- I hear there is sunshine at the end of that tunnel funnel. For me you are that proof even at 163 days to my 45, if only because we are no longer shackled to the reigns of adderall. If you must take something then I would recommend the Welbutrin, because at least for me it does not have the "high' or the high/low effect of adderall, and appears much easier to drop at one's own discretion. Hang in there! Despite all appearances, all things are in divine order and you are beating this thing! You will conquer, I have faith and you have come this far, and as any adderallic knows even 30mins without adderall can feel like 30 days as slow as time and your body moves in accordance with that time. So in actuality you are further along in personal progress than what the calender reads and so much closer the the true you, than you even were 30 mins ago! I can totally relate to the feeling like a awful parent thing due to this drug! But, please remember especially if you are anything like the perfectionist mindset as I am, we are not perfect, we are human and subject to err, hurt, have down days, and yes perhaps even months. Our kids deserve our best, not perfection...and life happens which is just as an important lesson as any to teach! All of your actions my not make sense now, from the outside looking in, or even from inside looking out-sometimes, but you are moving through, and the "process stages" of many things are always the most heavily scrutinized. Of greater importance is what you make of and what becomes of the process,because that's what they will remember. So stick it through, and instead of thinking of what your not providing, try and focus on what you are-lessons such as perseverance and strength- even during your weakest moments and especially during your weakest moments. I have no doubt that once you and I fully overcome this battle we will be stronger for it and serve as even better role models toward helping our children to overcome and persevere! -These traits I am much assured will get them just as far as any pat on the back or a warm embrace. So here's to you! cheers to you! Be encouraged!
No go Hug your children, tell them you love them..and know that you are doing your best.
Freedom's Wings
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Greetings,
I am a newly recovering adderallic, 45days clean, and proud of it! -the recovery part, not so much the addict part. Anyhow I was wondering how many people have made it clear over the mountian top, and can safely say their lives are on track, they are totally in a happy place, and adderall is no longer some huge day to day or even month to month emotional struggle...Just looking for some life,"work after"- as Mike puts it -inspiration.
Thank you for your input!
Freedom's Wings
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Having abused adderall for the last 3years and having taken it overall for the last 6, it seems to have all but destroyed the natural digestive process and functioning- major bloating. Any1 else have/had these troubles? if so, for how long? and have you found any effective solutions??
as of now I am just over a month totally clear of Adderall and looking to get my life and health back together.
I welcome and Thank you for your responses.
Freedom's Wings
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@ Ashley
Thank you so much Ashley for caring. Your response has conjured so many emotions inside of which I've been hiding for much too long. This is my true first attempt at moving forward and truly reaching out and honestly.. it's scary as hell! Yes, it is all way to crazy to find myself at this place in life. I, like you, could have never envisioned "this me" in a million years. Sure, I'd drink socially with friends. A few times I've even been fully loaded or totally shit-faced as some might say, but I've always been the so "high on life" anti-drug type that this experience leads me to wonder if fate has it's own plan.... I know deep down I am the true decider of my fate, but these times are so much more than challenging. Thank you a million times over for your support, just knowing others can relate is invaluable, I don't think you know how much it means. I will as well keep your recovery in my prayers. Congrats on 67 days free! Hell of an accomplishment.
Ps: I will be running out shortly to my nearest GNC to pick up some L-tyrosine.
Freedom's Wings
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Freedom's Wings,
I want to first say congratulations for making this decision in your life. It's the hardest battle I've ever had to fight, but after 5 years on adderall, 2.5 years of ridiculous abuse, it was really the only option before I'd end up in a mental hospital or with serious heart issues. Isn't it crazy that even after knowing what it does to our bodies and souls, it's a mental tug-of-war to stay off of it. Addiction is an f-ed up thing, that I also NEVER thought I'd have an issue with. I completely identify with you on the years flying by on the pills, and then you stop, and then holy shit, who am I? It's scary, but we have to believe it's for a greater good: our future happiness and being present in our own lives. I don't have a lot of time right now to write, but I read your post, and I really wanted to tell you you have support here. I'm 67 days adderall-free, and I'm still dealing with rediscovering Ashley. I didn't have many good days for the first 30 days, but they're starting to happen. The bad ones haven't dissipated by any means, but they're less frequent. I hope you continue to come back to the site. L-tyrosine and reading to learn as much as I could on adderall addiction has really helped. We all hope you keep coming to this site. You'll find the support that you need here.
You seem like you really WANT this, and that's vital. I'm also taking it one day at a time....hang in there. You should feel so proud of yourself for making this life-changing decision....congrats and best wishes!
-Ashley
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Im going through too to get through as well. Just wana say keep at it!!
Freedom's WIngs
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Wow, I have also dealt with this issue while on adderall, including post-adderall as I am now 1 and a half months drug-free. This blogg gives me much greater insight. Let me explain just a tad... prior to reading these post I was/am still experiencing a great deal of difficulty dealing with "empathy." I can't seem to remember this being much of an issue for me pre-adderall, as it is post-adderall, which is ultimately what makes it such an issue for me. As stated above "it stands out." At this point, I don't feel as if i have ANY empathy! so...upon realizing this I tend to "lay it on thick" in order to compensate for my lack of empathy and understanding just where I should draw the empathetic-line. When I behave this way I'm not entirely faking it,I truly mean it, somewhere deep-down; Yet,I lay it on thick only because I feel remorse for not actually feeling any remorse or should I say any real connection.- hope this makes some kind of sense. Either way this post has helped me to understand...everything in moderation, thus I don't feel as bad. However, having no clue where that moderation lies is the entire problem these days..I'm guessing.
Freedom's Wings
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you can do it! I am at just over a month clean, and people like you even at three months are my inspiration! Take it an hour at a time if you need to, whatever you do remember that choosing to take adderall again means making the decision that you are not good enough without it,and that I don't believe is the legacy you hope to leave yourself.
Peace be with you and thank you for the encouragement you grant me!
Freedom's Wings.
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These posts are beyond helpful. As I enter the recovery phase I plan to read them back and forth like a novel. omg!! these are trying times. Thanks for the mention of l-tyrosine;I will be running out to get some today! If anyone has a moment please check out my post, read my story and comment as I am in dire need of support and community. Thanks again and congrats to those of you who have taken the reigns to fight this fight!
Freedom's Wings.
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Hello there,
I am in Michigan. Near Detroit, living in the suburbs. As of now I am a month free from the "happy pill" and I am desperately seeking to find a support system, meet up group, buddies to chat-talk with, form a loop. Anyone interested?? Lets get started.
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Im am glad to have found this site and to be a part of it. As of now my life feels like a complete mess, and I feel like a complete failure. Maybe 5 or 6 years ago I was prescribed adderall for adhd,which I'd been diagnosed with having as a child, around the age of 8. At that time I was prescribed ritalin and remained on it for a few years..until my mom says she began to notice side effects- mainly depression as I remember. I never knew what I was taking at that time,or honestly why I was taking it. I just knew I had to take it, so I did.
Fast forward many years later. I am now 25 or 26 y/o living on my own, successfully and have been off ritalin for many years now. Never knowing much about the substance in the first place,except that I didn't like it, I never really much felt affected by any residual effects from taking it during my early years. At this point in my life I was happy-go-lucky! great friends, good family and romantic relationship and I had even gotten on the right track as far as school was concerned. Without any extra help I was already pulling A's in college. But,something was missing...
It was then that I decided to see a therapist mainly for mildly simple matters just to keep my head on straight and work out a few kinks. During a particular visit, however, I happened to mention that I was diagnosed ADHD, and she asked, "Do you ever have trouble concentrating or focusing." To which I replied, "why yes I do!" This was the worst mistake of my entire life! I was then scheduled to see the "prescribing physician" to which I gave the same reply when poked for answers...and no sooner than 15mins and one meeting did I walk out of his office with a script for ADDERALL! The not so funny thing is I had mentioned to the Dr. that I had taken ritalin earlier in life and had absolutely NO interest in taking it! I told him I didn't like the effects. He replied, "That's no problem," and prescribed me Adderall! Not once had I gone to this Dr. or the therapist looking or asking for pills..they more or less hand-held me right into it. And although it is my responsibility to know what I am putting into my body, lets just say I trusted the Dr's, and without doing my research I dove head first into the most hellish nightmare I've ever to experience.
To be completely honest, I was just slightly naive, after telling the Dr. I didn't want ritalin, my understanding not knowing what it contained or ever having heard of adderall ever in my life, was almost to the degree that I was being prescribed something like a vitamin supplement. Like I said...I said I was naive.
For the first 2 and a half 3years things were going great...my life took on new meaning...not that It didnt have any, just that I became a BRAND new me over night, a transition that in my case that was so subtle.. I hadn't noticed or even considered the drug to be a part of this turnaround. I was just so focused, eager, ambitious more than ever, and the absolute life of the party! Then things began to change...for the worse..slowly but surely. I immediately believed that because I had become Soooo productive that my life had just grown more hectic, but I could handle it. And handle it I did until a series of unfortunate events started occurring ie.. Deaths of loved ones, personal health issues, relationship problems... you name it! During a brief moment of clarity it seemed my entire world had changed around me, and I had failed to even think to take notice! How the hell did this happen?! I grew desperate..and began having panic/anxiety attacks. Where did the years go?! My son was now four years older and last I remember he was in the 5th grade!
I was devastated! and Add to the matter a car accident I had suffered during an anxious moment that caused neck/shoulder problems and other health issues that would now be lasting, along with a failing/toxic relationship and me realizing I had withdrawn from the last few semesters of college and lost my financial support and... My life was totally in ruins! I began looking backwards in time for answers, wondering when it got this bad and where the hell I went wrong!? Also around this time I began to abuse. Although I had no clue what I was actually taking..by now my mind had made the "feel good" connection and I happily obliged. I had gone from taking 20mg once daily to 20mg xr twice daily to 30mg xr twice daily...all by Doc's orders at first. I've read many stories of doc's upping the dose any time an issue arises, as was the case with me. But I didn't stop there, my devastation and personal demons at this point led me too taking as many pills as would bay the depression and keep me from the retched act of actually having to feel or deal. At my "highest" point- pun intended, I probably took somewhere in the range of 250 to 300mg daily until they would run out. The only good thing is seeing as I had not set out to become an addict..I hadn't any addict "protocol", I didn't find any sideline places that I could re-up in-between scripts. Somehow I patiently waited until the next month give or take a few days as early as insurance would kick in and pay for another round....
So here I am. Today at 32 years of age I am rebuilding my life from what feels like scratch. Who am I anymore?! I haven't a clue. Still, I am one month clean and totally intend on staying that way! After researching over the past 6months and finally knowing/understanding what I had done and was doing to my body I have reached my breaking point. As of now I have just simply not gone to get my next refill and have begun seeing an addiction,...among other things therapist. Adderall thus far has left me insanely anxious, extremely depressed-taking wellbutrin, immediately overwhelmed, isolated,lackluster, regretful, grieving, ashamed, panicked, rapid heart-beat, loss of creativity, jumpy nerves, horrible digestion..and the list continues. With time I hope many If not all of these issues/symptoms can be resolved. For now It's One day at a time...which Is painstakingly horrifying and agonizing, which is why I am so sooooo grateful to have found this site, because I know I will overcome this, with time, patience, and a host of other positive things! but until then..just knowing I am not alone and that there are others that have been through this and/or are going through it as we speak, that are there and care, gives me great comfort. I have lost/detached myself from all of my friendships..due mostly to this situation, so as of now I rebuild.
Thank you for caring, keep hope alive!
Freedom's wings
Taking kids off Adderall
in General Discussion
Posted
I was on it as a child, my mom just stopped giving it to me. as an adult now I would say that was for the best, not sure of any affect it may have had on me then, but I remember hating taking it. Does your child dislike taking it or are they used to it etc...??