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Shambo

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Posts posted by Shambo

  2. " THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE RELOADED" WELCOME ALL!!

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Day 16, 17, & 18- still good.

    I finally got my scripts from the pharmacy. I haven't burnt them or shredded them yet.....

    My addiction has revved up the scheming....

    I'll deal with it. I haven't told anyone that I still have those 2 scripts. I know that's stupid. I have to dig deep before the 18th. I don't want to suffer through this again- knowing my long term supply is cut off helps a lot.

    Just venting and trying to be somewhat accountable to someone.

    Have a great week guys.

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    " THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE RELOADED" WELCOME ALL!!

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Day 12. Done. Today was rough. My husband flipped the psycho switch & I had his dad come and get him out of the house. As I was vacuuming broken glass my mind started scrambling to find ways to numb. I thought about the scripts at my pharmacy and whether it was the 18th and I daydreamed about eating meds and going back into my head so I wouldn't care about anything..... But it's not May 18th. And I'd rather be alone than married and medicated.

    It's scary how deep I went into that idea. But whatever.

    Life happened today. Shit hit the fan. I handled it without numbing. I'm not dead. My heart hurts but I'm not dying. I dealt with major shit tonight without adderall. And I'm ok.

    I had to vent. You guys are my sounding board. I really need to get out and reconnect with mankind. Or I could call my mom. I'm going to sleep. Hope you're all having a good week so far. Xoooo

    • Like 7

  5. I'm watching my life slip away right before my eyes

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    I was meaning that a bit sarcastically- because she mentioned several times how her daughter was most important to her....

    I haven't had a quit stick. I've done it for all the usual reasons- husband, kids, shame, etc. This time the seed was planted when my husband & I were Ineligable to attend a marriage retreat/intensive because I had an ongoing addiction. Our marriage has taken some huge hits over the last 4 years and I knew in my gut that we were on the verge of destroying it all. I knew we had to go to this retreat. I felt guilty and sad that I was what was keeping us from moving forward.

    So it seems like I quit for our marriage. I'm sure if I dug a bit deeper I'd find obvious self driven motivations. I do see my marriage as a facet of self preservation though.

    I may be reaching here.... But it's what I thought when I read through this thread.

    • Like 1

  6. How do I prepare?

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Well said-

    Adderall is a mind fuck.

    Once you're able to see the lies and look at reality, you won't want it. It will take you so far down that by the end, you'll hate it so so badly. We all have our own journey with this beast. And you'll have yours. I wish you the best.

    PS I can truthfully say that I haven't craved it once in the last 8 days. I'm 8 days clean. Yay me. Fuck adderall.

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    I'm watching my life slip away right before my eyes

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    If your husband & daughter are about to leave you, of course you have to quit, right?

    Like zerocewl said, read through this forum. There's so many things you can get information from. If rehab is an option, go. Because if your daughter is everything to you, then you know your addiction to adderall must be addressed. Right now adderall is your everything. You're not a better mom on adderall. You're a wired out spaz who is giving off wild, tense energy. Kids may not be able to voice what is going on with you, but don't mistake that with not knowing you're very different. And not in a good way. Adderall is a lie. Good luck to you. I feel your pain....

    • Like 8

  10. I did it!

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Wellbutrin has been amazing at helping me quit. As long as I took it alone, but when I'd take adderall on top of it, I'd smoke- not as many but I'd still smoke. When I'd run out of adderall, I wouldn't smoke until I got a refill. Wellbutrin is helping me get a jump start. I had a friend smoking cigs back to back while we were talking the other day and I didn't feel any cravings the entire time. That's huge for me. I've never felt a lack of temptation when I smell cigarettes. I loved smoking. It's crazy.

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    How do i get over the hump?

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    It's good that you've come down on your dose. I think you need to relax about the hobby thing. Eventually adderall will kill your creativity but you don't notice. I just got off and I'm chilling and cooking. That's about all. I haven't napped like I have during past quits. I credit Wellbutrin with that. I hate promoting meds but it helped me transition my quit and stop my 23 year smoking habit at the same time.

    The creativity will come back to me. I know it will. It's a huge part of who I am at my core. But I'm not going to dwell on it and work myself into a lather. That's a quick way to depression and/or adderall worship.

    You can do it. When you're ready, you will. And your family will be so glad to have you back. I've spent more time engaged with my kids this week than I can remember.... Actually laughing and craving affection.... Nice.

    • Like 6

  14. MY STORY -- It's hard not to rely, on the best thing you've ever tasted

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    Sounds like you already know..... You're a big girl, you know how this ends for either scenario.

    You'll choose. And when you choose to finally quit, you'll make the call/appt with both doctors and come clean. You'll maybe even call your pharmacy and let them know you're addicted and abusing adderall. And your supply will stop. And you'll be free.

    Or you'll choose to keep digging new depths to your rock bottom.

    Digging sucks. Aren't you tired? I fucking am. I made the call last week. It sucked. I felt embarrassed and proud at the same time. I will say its one of the weirdest fucking emotional states I've had. But it was weird in a good painful way. Weird, right?

    Good luck to you. Never give up. You sound strong. You've got fight in you. Adderall makes you think you're strong. It makes you feel in control. It makes you feel skinny and beautiful. It's a fucking lie. We look like meth heads. We smoke too much and eat like shit. We think life is fine and our friends are suddenly dumb or jealous- yeah, okay. No, nope & umm, not jealous of our obvious speed problem.

    Write here and let us know how it's going for you. I really hope you get what you need.

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    Impossible for me to quit

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    I've totally felt this way. I've lived this way. And trying to control your dose after you abuse it- I wasted years in that vicious cycle. I never made it to my refill day without running out- for 2 years. I never wanted to quit, until I accepted that I accepted I couldn't beat my addiction. Should you try to control it? Good luck. Really. Good luck. Maybe you have Jedi powers.

    Is it worth quitting? Yes. When you're ready. Only you can make that choice and know when you've had enough. Rock bottom sucks. But the climb back up is the stuff that life is made of. It's hard. You're humbled when you ask for help. You feel strong. At first I hung my head and hated everything. But today I held my head up. I smiled and looked people in the eye. I feel good without my big secret on my back. I'm a better mom. I think I am close to being cool in social situations. I eat. I quit smoking right away (thank you wellbutrin). Adderall is speed. We all know it. I have a brother In law whose a meth addict. And I felt justified and self righteous in my addiction. I knew and I admit, eating 350mg of adderall and driving my kids to the pool is no better than smoking meth in the backyard before dinner. I'm as much an addict as he is. I see that now. I'm rambling, but good luck to you. When you do quit, don't forget this forum. It's the best support group you'll ever find for quitting adderall. These guys are fucking great.

    • Like 5

  19. I did it!

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    @inrecovery Thank you. I feel strong. Calling my Dr and cutting off the supply has made this quit feel so different than past attempts. I have accepted that I'm done, that I'll never take it again. I don't know anyone who takes it so there's no temptation there. Everyday I feel stronger and more content. Xoooo

    • Like 4

  24. I did it!

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Thanks. I haven't gotten out of bed much today. But I'm not as hopeless feeling. I will get those scripts next time I ride in town. I skipped that yoga class this morning. But that's ok. I can go tomorrow. I'm going to start posting in the 30 day challenge I guess. I appreciate the response. I thrive on any bit of positivity I can find right now. This forum is priceless.

  25. I did it!

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    So....I'm home from my trip. Being with my husband and kids- I feel irritated, guilty, overwhelmed, confused- so I numb with the tv but I've been doing that for months (when I'd run out) and tv isn't helping today. I saw it was only 2pm and I started crying because I want today to be done.

    This will pass. I'll have my hot yoga class tomorrow morning so I'm kinda looking forward to it because I won't feel like I'm having a heart attack. Plus I'll be able to breathe cause the Wellbutrin works without adderall and I don't smoke.

    I went on a binge after I called my dr. Things didn't end well, but I'm kinda glad, otherwise I'd romanticize the pills. I don't want them. I just hate what I've done to my mind....my thinking, my relationships, etc.

    4 years and everything is fucked. Today I fucking hate life. Today is Day 3 off my meds. Today will be over in a few hours. And I will be glad.

    My dr did respond to my phone call- the secretary called me back within minutes to tell me my dr needs me to bring in my remaining 2 prescriptions (which are on file at my pharmacy). That'll be the walk of shame. And the cherry on the cake? My dr's secretary is a mother in my daughters' girlscout troop. Fuck me.

    BUT- all of this is better than if I went another 4 years on this shit.

    I'm done bitching. Sorry guys. Blah.

    • Like 1
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