[I thought I was super mom. Um. No.]

30 days!!!! Good on you! Thanks for the kind words and advice. Keep up the good fight.

[I thought I was super mom. Um. No.]

PS if I could eat my bed, I think I would. I haven't stopped eating all day- :/

[I thought I was super mom. Um. No.]

Day 2. Got up this morning and drove to town to get some L- Tyrowhateveritscalled. I ran out of SamE yesterday and the store was out as well. I thought Id fall asleep on the drive there, but managed to get to the coffee shop and order a triple. I drank that, took the supplements, did a few errands and came home for a 3 hour nap. I've been in bed since. I'm not depressed, thank god. Just feeling lazy. To answer your questions Falcon, my husband is a saint but it's going to be tough fighting feelings of guilt over not having the house clean and dinner done- not to mention being on my A game with the kids- but its temporary and a means to an end. I can't step down with the meds. I don't want them. I am powerless against them when I have them. I've tried and every month it's the same thing. I do great for 3 or 4 days, then Ill eat 12 and be in bed by 9- ill barely feel anything.

Jenna, that's a great point. And I did that today to justify my nap. I took the kids to the library. Have any of you tried NA meetings? I saw someone mention secular type meetings, but they don't have those in my area. I'm in FL too, Jenna. PM me if you'd like. I'll be without Internet until next week, so I won't post again till then. Thanks for being here to talk to, guys. It helps.

[I thought I was super mom. Um. No.]

I've lurked here for a year or so & must first say how great it is to read the genuine encouragement written by people in recovery and people who are still using, to people trying to quit. Great community here.

I'm sure that writing my story out is something I must do. It's certainly not easy and so far it's a slow process that's consisted of me sitting here, staring at the blinking blue cursor for long stretches of time. Humbling.

I stumbled upon info about Adderall during a zombie google session, not long after I'd had my 5th baby. He was about 5 months old and my ass wasn't getting any smaller. I'd been diagnosed 5 years prior with ADHD and took some crazy meds I can't recall now. Damn. Effexor! That's what it was. It was beyond awful but after reading about adderall, I made an appt with a different dr and was very straight forward about my past experience and diagnosis and that I wanted to try adderall. That was 2 1/2 years ago. My son was 5 months old. He'll be 3 soon. And I've been a fucking robot.

All 5 of my kids are homeschooled. All 5 of my kids have watched me slowly retreat deep inside myself to the point of basically babysitting them as they did whatever they wanted. I never wanted to talk to or be around people I knew. I'd load the kids up and road trip across the country but screw going grocery shopping unless it was late at night. I shut off my cell phone. Deleted my Facebook. I've been taking 90 20mg in a week & 1/2 to 2 weeks for the last 5 months.

The last time I went without for 2 weeks, all I could think about was killing myself. I've never had depression and it scared the shit outta me. But yesterday I ate my last 8 pills and my refill isn't until Nov 8. I'm done. I'm afraid. I'm so so afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to get bed ridden depression. I'm afraid of the guilt I have to face over not being authenticly connected with my kids or anyone else. I'm afraid of gaining weight. The list is a mile long, really.

But I'm also over it. I'm sick to death of reading my life away. Devouring parenting books isn't the equvilant of being a parent. Reading spirituality books and struggling to connect with something greater than myself, all the while feeding my addiction that makes me think of nothing BUT myself. I don't talk to any of my friends for months. I'm socially weirdy weirdo- awkward pauses or 90 mile an hour rant about taquitos- depends on the day.

I'm an awesome mom. I love being with friends and cracking jokes. I love naps in the yard on Saturday afternoon. I love being full of creativity and belly laughs. I love being trusted with someone's hurt and actually feeling empathy. I love singing to the radio. I love cooking. I love me. And I miss me. It's time my kids have ME again.

I'm going to stock up on supplements tomorrow and pray my way through this. Life is much to short to waste like this. Hey Adderall, you can suck it. Xoxo, Chelle