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Shambo

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Posts posted by Shambo

  2. "Side Effects"

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    It's on my Netflix list.... I'm not feeling up for watching anything about pills or drugs or doctors or movies that may show someone taking a pill or anyone that weighs less than 120lbs in a bathing suit or movies that have scenes portraying insomnia or hyperactivity. Cooking shows are great. But I plan to watch that movie. It looked interesting.

    • Like 1

  3. I took a drive.

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    I'll check it out! Thanks.

    I do have a diagnosis but, meh... Idk if I buy it. If anyone on planet earth has ADHD, it's my oldest son, and I refuse to medicate him. Dietary and natural methods are the only things I believe are best for him. Why I took the medicated route- because I'm an addict and it was too perfect to have a legal, socially acceptable reason for me to eat speed all day. But not for my boy. I'm just not sure if ADHD is a disorder or another label/problem to make us question ourselves, our passion, our voice, to fill us even more with self doubt....the government, big pharma.... Here comes my paranoia! Lol! Run!!!

    • Like 1

  4. my story

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    At first I worried that someone could get my info & somehow tell my dr or pharmacy that I was abusing my meds. That sounds ridiculous now. And even if it's not, I don't give a shit now. ;). Nice to have you here!

    • Like 2
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    I took a drive.

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Actually, today has been the best fucking day I've had in for-EVER. I helped my husband stack fire wood and craved affection from my family. I actually initiated physical touch. And it's because I wanted it- not because I felt obligated to hug or touch to ensure my kids don't get scurvy. Yes, I know that doesn't cause scurvy. Rickets was my second choice.

    There was a moment when I was walking back from getting wood- 4 of the kids were balls to the walls on the trampoline, laughing & playing & one was helping split wood with his dad. I felt like it was going to be ok. We are going to be okay. I haven't pushed everything past the point of no return. The capacity we all have for forgiveness and redemption- it's something we underestimate- in ourselves and in others. I do anyhow. I did.

    Mommy guilt is a fucking bear WITHOUT any external help, but I'll tell you, put a few years of the "Adderall super mom illusion" on top of it and you can color yourself fucked. It's a hot mess. Not only do you get the benefit of realizing your kids have missed you (for YEARS), but you've created a level of productivity in your home that everyone around you can not obtain AND your adult daughters will struggle to do it all because of your example, all the while you're wearing a size 0 and sometimes wonder where your friends went.

    So I'm getting to rebuild every relationship in my life, including the one I have with my less boney body. NOBODY talks about this shit! What the hell are we doing to ourselves?! As if passionate, creative, sensitive, loving people needed the imaginary, already unattainable bar of life to be raised any higher. Is that a run on sentence? Or maybe it's just too saturated with adjectives.... I'm sorry for being so wordy, but damn it I feel! And it feels awesome to feel! Word up! Wooohooooooooo! Later taters.

    • Like 5

  6. I took a drive.

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    I dropped my boys at practice & was driving around, having my smoke. I was listening to Dirty Paws by Of monsters & men (perfect music for my dramatic scene;) & whipped the car around, sped to the pharmacy, requested my script on file, informed them I wouldn't need them to special order my meds anymore, & it felt great! I ripped my script into shreds.

    I haven't told anyone I did that. I'm slowly peeking over my walls, but I'm out of practice with authentic connections. Adderall fed my illusion that life is a movie about me- it's all about me. I'm ashamed to see the degree to which I believe that- and ashamed that I'm still struggling with it. I know it's a part of the human condition but damn.

    I've had flu like symptoms since Thanksgiving day. It seems to be worse today. I'm taking my supplements and taking better care of my body than I have in years- what gives!? Thank you for the words, you guys. The encouragement is such a big source of support for me. When I read your replays, they're in voices I've made for each of you. Lol! Crazy? In case it's not obvious, yeah, crazy is my copilot. ;). Happy Tuesday!

    • Like 4

  7. Day 7

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    It's 5pm. I'm having my obligatory cigarette for the day. I'm mainly sitting here just holding it. I'm still in the same clothes I've had on since Thursday. I haven't brushed my teeth in days. BUT I just ralleyed the family, put up the Christmas tree and I'm heading in to jump in the tub. I'm bored with laying around and feeling sorry for myself. I've got to call my dr tomorrow and cancel my scripts. I never want to go through this shit again.

    • Like 1

  8. Day 1. Really? Back to life. Back to reality- for real.

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Day 5- fml.

    I'm in such a shitty mood, I shouldn't be posting, but just popping by to say blah.

    I'm not sure how I managed to get through yesterday. I had some pretty hilarious flubs. I was in charge of bringing a gallon of tea (which we don't drink at my house) and it seemed obvious to me that a gallon of tea contains 8 cups of sugar. And that's how I made it. If you find yourself in charge of making sweet tea, make a note to self, it doesn't take 8 cups of sugar. I'm pretty sure that's common sense:).

    I'm eating. I'm napping. And I'm knitting. I'm down from smoking a pack or more a day to smoking 2-3 cigs total. I keep the tv going and trying to ride these first days out.

    I'm not so happy, but I knew this would be a bitch. I do know it'll get better in a few more days.

    Hope everyone had a great thanksgiving. Xoxo

    • Like 2

  11. Day 1. Really? Back to life. Back to reality- for real.

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Haha! Yeah, that song..... It pops in my head when the shit hits the fan.

    I handled my 15yr olds situation the best I could. We went out behind the house & I planned to do the obvious punishment- make her smoke till she pukes- it sounds pretty shitty reading that, but that's what I went with. When she started trying to light it, she saw I had my camera pointed at her & she burst out crying (I didn't take a picture) and I told her to pay attention to what she was feeling and why she felt it. I proceeded to explain how smoking feels shameful and all the crap that comes with it. She's seen me fail to quit so many times..... We talked for an hour or so. I think she got the picture.

    It's almost bed time! Woohoo! Day 1 is done. I bought some supplements today. I really really really don't want to deal with depression. Unrealistic I know..... Oh well. Moving forward. To infinity and beyoooonnnnd!

  12. Day 1. Really? Back to life. Back to reality- for real.

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    I have to vent.

    Today is day 1. In the last 24 hrs I caught my 15 yr old smoking cigarettes and my 11yr old broke down and told me she has been having thoughts of killing us all in our sleep.

    FUCK.

    This isn't the easy going, tv watching, gentle itinerary I had planned for my quit.

    I took my 11yr old to the dr today and we think she's dealing with a type of OCD. And everything is going to be ok. It sucks, but it is what it is.

    Day 1. What a way to get started.

  13. Round. & round I go

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Hahaha! Justin, that was a much needed laugh! Thank you. I'm on day 2.... Netflix, a jar of garlic stuffed olives, 6 pieces of toast, a cup of ice cream & 5 cups of coffee- maybe exercises would be more productive. :). My husband & I had several talks over the weekend. Id love to have clarity and closure but today is what I have. And today I'm laying in bed watching TV. And today is good. Thank you for touching base w me and making me laugh.

    • Like 2

  15. Round. & round I go

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Birding!!! I miss that too! I've gone through spells when I'd obsess over bird watching, but it's been a while. Saw my first Indigo Bunting earlier this year.

    Velviaaaaaaa! Digital will never make me as happy as a correctly exposed/composed negative of Velvia. Ever! Lol! My husband built a darkroom for me about 4 months ago. Enlarger & all. I haven't developed a single roll yet. He bought me new binoculars for birding- I've used them once in the last 2 months.

    Hopefully change is on the wind....

    • Like 1

  16. Round. & round I go

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    @jon I do know. It sucks.

    It's such a messy ball of wax. Can I finally separate my worth from how much I weigh? Can I maintain the great sex life w my husband (when I went off addys for 2 months, I became a chubby, hungry, Snuggle buddy. Not horny. Not sexy.). Can I give up the need to prove I can take the meds right? Can I admit that the last 3 years I put my family through a roller coaster of uncertainty, and live w all the guilt that entails? Can I be strong enough to stay clean when my house is a mess, my husband comments about my big ass & I haven't homeschooled my 5 kids in a month? Fuck. I know I can't afford NOT to overcome and accept those things. Thank you for shifting my perspective about being a "cry baby". That was so well put.

    One more thing- I read your comment somewhere about losing your passion for photography. That is a huge source of sadness and confusion for me. I've tried everything I know to find it again. Even bought a new Leica last week- nothing has worked. Have you felt that coming back to you yet?

    • Like 1

  19. Round. & round I go

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    I know. It's crazy high. I typically don't take that much, but I haven't taken them as prescribed either. My true self accepts that it's time to give up & quit. Then my addy brain always wants to try one more month to get it right. Last night concerned me. How in the hell did I go to sleep?! My brain must be pudding.

    I don't know if I'll post often. The last thing I want is to be the forum cry baby. And the next week or so is going to be- you know. Thanks for replying.

  20. Round. & round I go

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    This cycle I'm in is freaking insane. I'm back to reading through the archives here & trying to pump myself up for the next 17 days that I'll be out of meds. I ran out extra early this month. Yesterday I took over 200mg & was asleep by 11:30pm- without taking anything to go to sleep. I quit for 2 months, earlier this year but believing I could control my dose, I started back. After the first 2 weeks of coming off the meds, it was wonderful. I'm at a loss for why I have spent the last 7 months failing over and over. I know how I sound. I know what needs to happen. I needed to vent a little but more importantly I wanted to say:

    Keep sharing. Your struggles & victories are such an inspiration. This is a little oasis of hope during my day (corny? Yeah:). Thank you for being raw and honest and vulnerable. It helps more than you know. Have a good weekend everyone.

    • Like 1

  23. Backslider

    in Tell your story

    Posted

    I'm not a fan of negativity but I'm a big fan of honesty & transparency so.....

    I get 3 months of scripts, like most people. I had two left. I went 3 weeks without Adderall and I only had 2 rough days (feeling mildly depressed/tired) and I stayed in bed and watched TV those days. I took lots of supplements and I can't stress how huge of a difference that made in my entire being compared to the two months prior when I'd ran out of meds. HUGE difference- a good one:).

    The last 3 weeks were some of the most relaxed and happy days I've had in years. I had many belly laughs. I smiled for no reason. I read no books (that felt good, but I missed them). I still had trouble going to sleep (Sam-E is to blame on that I just discovered- thanks, Jenna for that info). I gained 10 lbs and had no sex drive, but I went out to dinner with 3 different friends, 3 different nights and actually had authentic connection and conversations- and I ate. AND I drank a beer for the first time in years- and it was good.

    But, knowing I had medicine sitting at the pharmacy for me was too strong a pull. I didn't have the courage to call the pharmacy to ask them to dispose of them. And I was afraid if I did, I may get weak and go by and look like a junkie to see if they'd forgotten to throw them away. The solution my addiction came up with is to wait until my next 3 month appt and tell my Dr. I want to take a break and go from there.

    I have no doubt that I'd still be off meds if I didn't have access to them. I felt my old self and it was beyond great. It's proving a bit hard to fight off sadness since I got my meds.

    I need this board for accountability. I know my time is coming when I'll be free. I'm grateful for this space to be vulnerable and share honestly.

    Xoxo

  24. Depression Hurts

    in Announcements

    Posted

    OH! And do me a favor and listen to Shambala by Three Dog Night- really loud! Lol! There's a great live video on YouTube somewhere from way back in the day. Before my day, actually, but it's the JAM and hopefully makes you smile.

  25. Depression Hurts

    in Announcements

    Posted

    Hey Buddy. I'm sorry your skies are dark. I hope you realize how bright your light is on this forum though. You are so encouraging and always giving of yourself. You have such a gift for making others feel not so alone.

    I believe I read that you are taking supplements but have you tried sitting in the sun for a few minutes everyday? I spend most days sitting on a quilt under a tree or doing something outside. It helps tremendously. Even if I just walk around my yard- sunshine is a miracle. And what about moving around. I have yet to do any "exercise" but on days when I hang a load of clothes on the clothes line or just use my body more than just sitting, I do notice an upward shift in my moods.

    The last 3 weeks have been great.

    My refill was yesterday.

    And I caved.

    But my time will come again.

    I have hope. And I credit your kind words and your story and honest struggles with giving me some of that hope.

    Keep going, buddy.

    The sun will come out. Go soak it up when it does. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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