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Shambo
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Posts posted by Shambo
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Thank you for being awesome. I should've known you would be. I don't understand it but I'm grateful everyone doesn't think I'm as big a shit bag as I I think I am.
The mistake I made is pretty obvious. I knew I was going to cave but I refused to take the last step and call my dr. I'm terrified of shutting the door on my beloved soul sucking addiction. Calling the dr is final. I couldn't. Or rather, I wouldn't. The root of it for me is something quit once mentioned somewhere last week- accepting I can't take it- ever. Accepting I'm powerless- not just saying it but believing it- I can't do that. I know that I can dig deep and do it right. I can. But I'm 3 days in, and I'm not. I hate it. I hate me. What a hypocritical, gung-ho Sally Douchebag I was. I feel super stupid for getting on here and doing what I do best- bitching and taking any opportunity to prove I'm funny, I'm smart, I'm not threatening or flirty, I'm not super mom, like me, love me. I'm a goddamn mess. And it's fitting I'm here. When I quit I read posts by people who were struggling, & I'd think, shit or get off the pot. Either do the work to end the supply, buck up and feel shitty for a bit (because you deserve it for being an idiot and creating this mess) or don't quit and stop bitching. It's not nuclear physics.
Karma.
I hope you guys have an awesome Christmas. Giving your time to build up people and cheer them on and see so many disappear or pop by randomly to vent- you're saints. I would be over it SO fast. Not only are you NOT over it but you're not mean or condemning or using this as your soapbox. You guys just cheer. Unreal.
I hope to be back sooner than later. Thank you again for the time you took for me.
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I've been avoiding you guys....
I hope for 2 things:
1. That I have the courage to show my face here when I quit again.
2. That you guys don't give up on me.
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Day 16. No adderall.
Day 5. No cigs.
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I'm holding up okay...
Feeling my resolve weaken....
I notice when I feel that weakness it is a trigger that instantly sends me in a spiral of self hatred. I see it clearly. It's literally a minute by minute practice to be mindful of my thoughts right now. It's exhausting.
BUT yesterday is gone. Today is an opportunity to practice and get a little stronger.
I'll catch up with you all next Wednesday. I'm going to be away from the internet. Enjoy your weekend.
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I won't be able to post anything until Wednesday of next week. I didnt want to just disappear like I have done in the past.
I'm so grateful that yesterday is over.
I'm grateful to unplug and enjoy some time with my family.
Have a great weekend.
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Day 12 can suck a lemon. Addy free and ready for today to be over.
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@lunax & Ashley
My dr is a decent guy. He would stop prescribing me for sure. I don't go to him for anything else though. He's a psychiatrist. I'm having a bad day.... I'm watching modern family w my husband & we both noticed how the wife seems like her character uses adderall or something... So I'm now watching it through a fucked up lens..... Blah. It's almost bed time tomorrow is a new day.
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Wow. I couldn't get through #2. That was fucking rough. When I saw the bold letters saying trigger warning, I started skipping words to get to it faster. Mistake.
@lilatex great reply. My heart is still racing but your response centered me a bit.
@quitonce that is so hard to accept: that because I crossed the line from taking it as prescribed I can never take it again. I fought that knowledge for years. I'm still not happy about accepting that. I am still trying to accept it. I can't wait until today is over. Damn.
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@justin Exactly.
@lunax I'm not trying to quit smoking yet.... Even though my guilt is eating me alive since I busted my 15yr old stealing my smokes.... A good parent would stop- I will.... But I know it is too much to ask of myself this soon. I am starting to feel the meds tug at me a tiny bit. Weight bugs me but the biggest urge comes when I'm faced with dealing with the relationship dynamics in my house. I just want to run. I knew it wasn't going to be easy.
Btw, out of curiosity, did you guys break ties with your dr? I'm struggling to face that..... I'm trying to avoid it....
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Jon, the only meds I'm taking are supplements. I take most of them during the day but I take my iron before bed as I always have. I stopped taking magnesium.... I wonder... I'll take it tonight and see. I will try lucid dreaming too. That's how I fell asleep on meds, but once I was out, no dreams.
I'm feeling strong in my choice to be finished. The only thing I've left to do is call my dr..... I need to do it before the 13th.... I'm just dragging my feet. I'll do it.
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Ok.
But you're not garbage.
Good night.
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Day 11. All good. Well, of course there's plenty of crap going on but it's going on and I'm not taking adderall.
I can honestly say, there's no way in hell this would be happening if it weren't for the support and interaction I have found on this site. I'm so happy to connect with such a great group of smart, funny, caring, chill, honest people. I'll probably be mushy again next week so just humor me. You folks are so so great. Thank you.
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@justin Oh yeah! I could do that with a broom! Thanks!
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Oh boy. It's not porn is it? Kidding.
Ok. I'm going in! Thanks!
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Take your hard candy shell and your chewy fruity center to the old folks home and stop by the grocery store on your way for flowers. Take them to whoever the nurse suggests. Go through the Starbucks drive through and pay for the guy behind you. Every little thing you do comes back to you, friend. You sound like you need some love coming your way and that's a definite way to get it. And it's kinda like magic which is fun too. I'm saying a prayer for you tonight. And tomorrow. You're not alone.
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@quitonce maybe they're aware that we have a certain appetite for devouring information in our quest to master skills or become experts about stuff. My personal favorite was the time I spent working on hula hooping. 2 weeks ago I may have been lured into becoming a ninja die casting person. Today, not so interested.
. It's just a theory. -
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Porn? Shocker.
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Hey buddy. Depression AND winter- sucky mcsuck suck. I'm super prone to getting the blues when I don't get enough sunlight. The lift I get from just sitting in the sun or hanging out a load of clothes on the clothes line- I actually jones for the sun.
As far as substances go, The times I haven't used drugs, I use caffeine. I hate that I have a facet of my being that feels the need to be altered, but what can I do. It's there. It's always going to be there, but I can choose what I use to alter myself. I can choose to be a lazy fuck and munch pills. Or I can be a strong, healthy, happy fuck and exercise or find a little old lady that needs her windows washed or I can go pet dogs at the pound or something! I'm still building up to getting off my ass, but we don't have to be fucked up with chemicals to get through the day.
Somebody, somewhere, yourself included, needs the awesome that you got! Your friend was a vampire. I'm not going to go off about that but that's the gist of it. What can you do? Be glad you aren't having to give her what tiny bit of energy you have right now. You need you right now. Zone out on tv. Do something with your hands while you watch/listen. I knit. I knit shit and take it apart and do it again. If I sit without doing anything, my brain starts the crazies. I start looking for food or making coffee..... Sorry to ramble. Wishing you luck and all the best.
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Thanks Cassie. I never knew that history about cigarettes!
The last few days have been pretty great considering. I'm trying not to worry that I'm about to get super depressed or jones, but if it comes, it does.
It took me four years to jack myself up. I just have to practice patience while this all works itself out. I need to write that down and read it every day:)
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@justin what is this bull dance you speak of!? Sounds like something i may like to do for my kids. It's good to have plenty of tricks in the parenting bag:)
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1. When do the dreams ease up? They are more bad than good which sucks but the biggest issue is that they're REALLY intense. I didn't dream when I took meds. And I've always had this happen when I don't take them.
2. I'm itching all over. I have a rash. Health wise my body is acting the fool. The congestion is still an issue. My face is breaking out. How is it that I'm healthy when I'm eating speed and smoking a pack a day but when I eat well, only smoke 2 cigs a day and take vitamins I start falling apart? I'm sure my body is detoxing in some way, but dang.
3. The one problem that I find hardest to control when not having meds is my ability to stay present during conversations. I tune out or get distracted easily and later I realize it happened mid sentence and we never finished the conversation. How can I stop that? Does it get easier?
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@justin good for you for saying no to your dr about adderall!
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In my experience, you know what you need to do if you're going to quit. If you're still leaving safety nets for access to adderall, you're probably setting up to fail. I could never ever ever quit unless I was totally out of pills AND had no excuses to call my dr & get an early refill. No fucking way. I've exhausted every excuse and finally had to face this shit head on. You'll quit when you do. No sooner. Step one is quit playing games with yourself. If you can go 10 days, you can go 10 years. Quitting won't kill you. Using will. Oh honey, I really do feel your struggle. I did it for years. But I finally had to shit or get off the pot.
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Day 10- ate like a boss, feel like nothing can hold me down today. I feel very optimistic about the future. I believe I'm going to win this time. I believe it.
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I did it!
in General Discussion
Posted
It's been a few months since I've posted here and of course I ended up right back where I was in regards to abusing my meds.
Sooooo, today, while on a week long road trip with some friends, I spontaneously called my dr and told him I was abusing the adderall. After I hung up I was laughing and sobbing... I'm bouncing between being proud of myself and wondering what in the fuck I did and how can I undo it.
I wanted to tell you guys because of all the support y'all gave me last time. I'll post more when I'm home from the trip. Xoxo, AmyQ