Quitting Adderall has been quite a learning experience. If I would have known that it would be so addictive or that it would take a long time for me to have energy again I would have never touched it. Of course when I was first prescribed Adderall and I asked my Psychiatrist if it were addictive-he said No. I trusted that doctor and ended up in a hole. I quit taking Adderall 9 months ago and I for the most part have most of my life back. My personality is still returning and I'm slowly beginning to feel better. I have a hard time sleeping though because I also quit taking Klonopin. I had been on Klonopin for way too many years and I am now attempting to train my brain to sleep without it. It has been about 7months and I still have sleepless nights.
I had been on Adderall for almost 4 years and I originally took about 10mgs and worked my way up to 60mgs daily. The first year was okay, I got a lot of things done and was successful in almost everything I did. By the second year I started experiencing serious mood swings. I wish I could say that was enough to get me to stop but I didn't. As the years passed I became less and less productive to the point that I wasn't really doing anything. I became so physically unhealthy. Hair fell out, I suddendly had acne, extremely thin, and my muscles began to feel stiff. I always felt jittery and extremely anxious, it got to the point that I didn't want to be around any people at all. Mentally, I started to suffer in so many ways and I was getting into arguments with friends and family members. I thought people were crazy and I was suspicious of everyone. To sit back today and think about how paranoid and delusional I had become, it is scary. I wouldn't want to feel that way ever again and I'm so thankful to god that I did not stay that way permanently or develop a mood disorder.
Today, I often feel depression, lethargic, the fatigue...and I know if I had that Adderall pill I would have the energy I so desperately want today. But is it enough to get back on those pills? No. As I have begun to mentally and physically heal, I have a connection with others again. I'm slowly repairing my friendships with friends and family members, and I am so sad at all the time I wasted. Time and memories I could never get back. I'm just so grateful that I am here today and sober. Even when I'm having the toughest days and have hardly slept.
When I first quit I disposed of bottles that I had stored for myself. I knew it was important to get rid of them, if I expected to truly stay off of them. As for those who feel that they now have trouble getting up in the morning, I feel your pain. In fact, I smoked Cannabis the first few months I got off Adderall to help get me up and going for a couple months. After a couple months, I quit that too. I thought it was better for me to have done that then to touch another prescription medication that was just going to cause me a greater long term issue.
Today, I have about a cup of coffee but I try to accept that I may not be too productive and may not do much at all. I still have pressure behind my eyes and the frontal lobe area. Leaving the house to do things is still a huge chore. However, I have faith that I will get better one day and I am currently working on loving myself and accepting all my flaws.
